Tenacious

 

TENACIOUS-2

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

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47 thoughts on “Tenacious”

  1. You know When you take a closer look at gone girl it looks like two cluster b personalities that hooked up lol……😜

    Nick Dunne: You fucking cunt!

    Amy Dunne: I’m the cunt you married. The only time you liked yourself was when you were trying to be someone this cunt might like. I’m not a quitter, I’m that cunt. I killed for you; who else can say that? You think you’d be happy with a nice Midwestern girl? No way, baby! I’m it.

    Nick Dunne: Fuck. You’re delusional. I mean, you’re insane, why would you even want this? Yes, I loved you and then all we did was resent each other, try to control each other. We caused each other pain.

    Amy Dunne: That’s marriage.

      1. I must stay true to form…….(ODD)

        Never 😜😁🤣

  2. Then there was the movie version- I can’t decide which one I like better.

    “When I met Nick Dunne I knew he wanted “Cool girl”. And for him, I’ll admit: I was willing to try. I wax-strippe my pussy raw. I drank canned beer watching Adam Sandler movies. I ate cold pizza and remained a size two. I blew him, semi-regularly. I lived in the moment. I was fucking game. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy some of it. Nick teased out in me things I didn’t know existed. A lightness, a humor, an ease. But I made him smarter. Sharper. I inspired him to rise to my level. I forged the man of my dreams. We were happy pretending to be other people. We were the happiest couple we knew. And what’s the point of being together if you’re not the happiest? But Nick got lazy. He became someone I did not agree to marry. He actually expected me to love him unconditionally. Then he dragged me, penniless, to the navel of this great country and found himself a newer, younger, bouncier cool girl. You think I’d let him destroy me and end up happier than ever? No fucking way. He doesn’t get to win. My cute, charming, salt-of-the-earth Missouri guy. He needed to learn. Grown-ups work for things. Grown-ups pay. Grown-ups suffer consequences.”
    – amy dunne – gone girl (movie)

    Yes I would say I’m tenacious lol😁

  3. Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a cool girl. Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she’s hosting the world’s biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.

    Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. For a long time Cool Girl offended me. I used to see men – friends, coworkers, strangers – giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them. I’d want to grab the poor guy by his lapels or messenger bag and say: The bitch doesn’t really love chili dogs that much – no one loves chili dogs that much! And the Cool Girls are even more pathetic: They’re not even pretending to be the woman they want to be, they’re pretending to be the woman a man wants them to be. Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version – maybe he’s a vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes every fucking thing he likes and doesn’t ever complain. (How do you know you’re not Cool Girl? Because he says things like: “I like strong women.” If he says that to you, he will at some point fuck someone else. Because “I like strong women” is code for “I hate strong women.”)
    — Amy Dunne in the book Gone Girl

      1. Love, Chili dogs or Fritos pie with a good craft beer? You bet! This girl loves it, once in awhile! Part of the American culture, along with baseball, cook outs and holidays by the pool!😃

      2. I love cook outs and pool parties too! I don’t understand baseball. Though I enjoy hearing the crack of the bat when it hits the ball.

  4. Hello Jody Allen!
    Thank your for your answer. I do not really know if Malignant Optimism (MO) is the same concept as Pollyana..but of the little research I have made it is not really the same. And if we agree on what MO is…I am glad that you are aware of it and its implications especially in the context of being entangled with a narcissist. If you feel to share: why do you consider yourself as a poster child of MO?

    1. Hi Superxena,

      I did some research on both M.O. and Pollyannaish and what I concluded, and I may be wrong, is that these are one in the same, except Pollyannaish was around before someone could give this coping mechanism a fancy name. I prefer Pollyannaish to M.O., but I’ll accept whatever label I’m given.
      In my view this is what it means, and please correct me if I’m wrong ( I wouldn’t want to go around putting fancy labels on myself) And if someone reading this feels that they need to diagnose me with something else, please feel free.

      I have been this way since I was a child (I have a very narcissistic, not present, father (military) and mother who has been diagnosed with BPD, who would pick up and move from state to state at will and somehow forget to bring me along, until my father or other family member would go collect me, or the random person/friend she left me with would return me. This happened to me on several occasions according to close family members.

      I can not remember a time where I did not hold the belief that things will not be right in the end (even when faced with the real possibility that they will not), I will rack my brain trying to figure out the best and most positive way forward, or let things unfold so that I can, then figure it out and find the good and proverbial Silver Lining

      Simple Example:

      About 10 years ago a few of us were floating on a pretty swift and busy river, when the outboard motor died,which caused the boat to move down current and turn at odd angles. While everyone was sure we were in imminent danger (which we were) and trying like hell to steer the boat with oars,get the motor started, and saying their Hail Mary’s, I preferred to believe that everything would be okay.Of course I didn’t stand there like a ninny, I helped but thought everyone was overreacting. Even if we would have crashed on the rocks and capsized, or went headlong into another boat, I know I would have found a way to put the positive over the negative. (…We all survived..?)

      Optimism is my weapon of choice and it is eternally abundant
      Magical Thinking is my helm- the escape from very real possibilities and from negative realities.
      Positivity my armor – I can take something away from a bad situation and always find the good.
      Rose Colored Glasses are my shield

      When I think about my Ex LGN, the current one that I escaped about 7 weeks ago, I think of all the beautiful memories and positive things that we had done, seen and accomplished. My rose colored glasses shield me from the amount of abuse that he bestowed on me, on each and every level. Those things do not enter the pictures in my mind..they are not the same person to me and even that monster can be loved through it (lol, right?)

      I know I left because of abuse, I just conveniently forget that part of the story. Wasn’t he supposed to be the Knight in Shining Armor to come get me after I left? Tell me he was sorry for abusing me and that he would miraculously change over night? Magical Thinking at its finest.

      I’m not saying that I live in the continual bubble as far as the outside world goes, I just tend to live in my own safe bubble. I am able to see the wrong and right in things, I believe in just desserts and taking responsibility for ones actions, I am able to recognize evil, but I have a hard time internalizing and processing such evil. I know it exists out there, I know that it is true, its just that it doesn’t happen to me~even though it is happening to me and its Magic Miking my face, I still will always try to see the good.. Does that make sense? Of course not, I live in Bizarro-World and I have only met a few who reside there with me.

      I hope I have answered your question, but please feel free to give your opinion, since this topic is so interesting.

      1. Jody, my soul sister, were we separated at birth? As I was reading your response, I was singing YES YES YES (luckily in my head … hopefully 😀).
        You understand me! I’m glad we share the same silver lining, rose colored glasses (aka stunna shades), and rainbow with a pot of gold at the end. Positivity keep me alive. Negative thoughts would burn a hole through me. Why carry such a heavy toxic burden? Everything always works itself out.
        You remembering only the good memories with your ex reminded me of my last narc.
        I knew he wanted to discard/disengage with me yet he was being wishy washy. So I said lets make it a beautiful weekend – my discard weekend. I made gourmet meals and cocktails, smiling and laughing, trying to enjoy my ‘last hours’ with him. I even toasted to the future, telling him even though my heart was breaking, I was happy for him and hoped he had/or would find the ‘love’ that he did not have for me. Who am I to stand in the way of love??? Anyhoo, after a lot of tears (mainly his) and hand holding, he was finally able to pull the plug and let me go. The fact that I had that ‘special’ weekend allowed me to move on much easier.
        Luckily I found Mr. Tudor’s work soon after and learned that my ‘discard weekend’ was not the end at all. It never ends … His work has shed so much light on my life. I am able to digest his truth while still living in my pink bubble of love. 💗

      2. Hello Jody Allen !

        Thank you for your extensive answer and for sharing it here!
        It certainly raises many interesting topics. First of all : Congratulations for escaping your ex and I really hope this site gives you the knowledge and the means to keep it that way!

        I am not whatsoever in the position of saying if these concepts are right or wrong since it goes way beyond my knowledge and field of expertise. The concept(s) of Malignant Optimism and Pollyanna are completely new for me. That is why I raised the topic here.

        What I can see from your story is that you have a high degree of awareness of who you are how you function and the implications of it. The words that I find most interesting are the following ( quoting a part of what you wrote):
        ” I am able to recognize evil, but I have a hard time internalizing and processing such evil. I know it exists out there, I know that it is true, its just that it doesn’t happen to me~even though it is happening to me and its Magic Miking my face, I still will always try to see the good..”
        That reflects that you know how you function (and I wouldn’t call it a Bizarro-World).
        How do you think you can internalise and process it?

        HG !
        Perhaps you can give us more insight with your knowledge about
        these interesting concept( s) of Pollyanna/ malignant optimism within a relationship with a narcissist?

      3. Hi Love!
        We must be! I only wish that I had had the foresight to do my own discard the way you did! If I could go back in time to my discard weekend ( Now I know it was a set up) I would have stolen your idea! I would walk away feeling much better about the break-up.

      4. Im new here Jody but would like to say I always have rose tinted glasses and to be honest they have kept me happy and smiling for years .. My Mum died when I was two so I was shifted from relative to relative and put on trains to different parts of the Uk to my family members ..I found it exciting and my young mind thought I was special and I really did enjoy living in different places with different family members for 3 to 6 month stretches and I still think it was an excellent way of learning about people so yes I have a “Pollyanna” outlook too and im glad I retain it .. I have been let down throughout my life but always see the silver lining .. till what I discovered was The Narcisisst and oh what an awakening!! ..Iv always tried t see the good in people and cant believe how I got ensnared so easily ..ME the strong capable independent one !! who always helped others with their problems … This I am fighting to get out of and im afraid Pollyanna does not help with this one problem ..I only know that I want to keep seeing the best in people and the silver lining because that is ME … But HG is helping me so much with his intelligence and expertise ..and all of you lovelies on here help me too knowing that im not alone …so thankyou

    1. Yes that is me, Superxena. I believe Mr. Tudor called it the Pollyanna complex. I call it being incredibly awesome 😉🌟👍👌💪🎉🎊

      1. Hello Love!
        Pollyanna complex sounds definitively more…positive than malignant optimism! The word Pollyanna suits you much better!! Your comments are for the most very positive! I haven’t read the book Pollyanna by Eleanor Porter which I believe the concept comes from…but it sounds very interesting!

  5. Crumbs: Those irritating little things that hold us prisoner.They are a tiny little whisper of a promise – but not really-
    We are so starved that any minute morsel thrown our way will cause a feeding frenzy. Hope and tenacity become restored then the world feels right once again, as we jump back on to our Hampster Wheel once again.
    We already do the heavy lifting to support this imaginary relationship (imagine an onlooker staring at us in complete bewilderment as we struggle with all our might to bench press air!) Those crumbs are the steroids that give us the strength to continue..They are poisonous
    If crumbs could sustain and feed the soul, I would have always been full and would have kept trying forever. ♡

    1. Hi Jody,
      Great post! You cracked me up with “bench press air” 😂. Isn’t it great how we can see this was just an illusion now? We are seizing the power.
      Thanks HG for opening our eyes and taking our blinders off.

  6. Tenacious.. I was told I was this but didn’t realise what they meant … I know now. Always seem to find a narc in this world. Confused beyond belief they are..

  7. I can really relate to this both from a marriage perspective and from the narc perspective. Its so hard to fully grasp that the golden period is fake bc of the crumbs narcs keep feeding us. Positive reinforcement is a force to be reckoned with. You want so badly to feel the elation of the golden period and recapture who we remember falling for that we keep spinning our wheels or waiting patiently while our self image dies a bit more each time were sent back into devalue/shelf mode. The narc relishes in this control. They know our limits and they push us to the brink then reel us back in with a crumb of their former wonderful self. Eventually it stops working as the crumbs arent enough to nourish and we starve. Hope is very dim and close to being extinguished. Strength comes back and the need to feel more. The crumbs arent enough and we give up bc we need more out of life. That is when the narc gives a huge dollop of goldeness but by that point we are well aware of the cycle to know where itll wind up which is the same place as before…nowhere. Even those of us with the greatest tenacity can only go so long before calling it quits.

    1. Narc Affair:

      “We keep spinning our wheels or waiting patiently while our self image dies a bit more each time were sent back into devalue/shelf mode. The narc relishes in this control. They know our limits and they push us to the brink then reel us back in with a crumb of their former wonderful self.”

      YEP. This. I felt like I died a little each time and like I was being erased. But what I could never figure out was if he was doing that on purpose or if I was just getting my own hopes up and deluding myself and maybe he never meant to fuck with my head. He did start off saying he’d never leave his family so there was no misleading in that way. But there were oh so many leads to think he cared at the very least, that it could be more than just sex. And there was that one affair partner he mentioned he would have left his wife for, if she had wanted that. So WTF, did he play me or did I play myself?

      1. Continuing my comment to Narc Affair…

        A good friend in town thinks he was every bit as misleading even if he said early on he wasn’t leaving his wife. He said that to cover his ass, to reduce expectations, and to make himself sound like a “good guy” for being up front with me, AND because he knew I was married anyway and prob not wanting to leave either. There definitely were golden periods where he pursued me for a week or two at a time, sexting multiple times a day, wanting to skype, etc., alternating with cold phases where he didn’t completely disappear, but he went platonic, just impersonal comments. He said he cared about me, and he’s the one who started saying “I love you” during sexting. When I told him I could handle that since I knew it was part of our fantasy, he said “This love is as real as any love.” That wasn’t the forever-in-love illusion that a lot of narcs paint, but to my heart it meant as much.

        Last summer, BEFORE I met my narc in person… but we had chatted for six months, I was about to go on a big anniversary trip with my hub. And I had been telling my narc anyway that I’m going to leave my marriage because of shit that was wrong way before I ever met narc. And he had been writing me a week before this big trip, sexting, etc. and saying things that were more intimate than usual, calling me honey, etc. One time he even asked for my work phone number so he could call direct “just to hear your voice before you go away awhile.” This threw red flags because WTF? He’d never asked for any information that would lead him directly to me. We never shared our last names or phone numbers. Our contact was always through apps. I had felt like I’d be safe if he had my information since he was married too and “didn’t want drama.” But, since he had never given me anyway of verifying who HE was, I wasn’t about to give him my work information. He dropped it. He said he wanted to hear my voice and also to be sure I wouldn’t stop thinking of him while on the trip. Later that night, after all that intensity and sweetness, he texted me and said “If you and your husband get closer on this trip and you decide to end this to work on your marriage, I’ll understand.” I told him, “I don’t WANT you to ever just be ‘okay’ with the idea of not talking with me anymore.” Then he reiterated that he could never leave his wife because he loves his kids. I never wanted him to leave her. I don’t want his kids hurt. I just wanted to be his lover, to be real with our feelings and desires and for him to be consistent. And he eventually was consistent, but that must have been boring because it led into the degradation and more emotionally cruel tactics, like telling me he’s going to make someone ELSE his fave if I don’t show him screenshots of this or that. He acted seriously HURT that I didn’t want to share names and pics of other guys I sexted, said I was “killing our relationship” by holding back. He’s the one who demanded I sext others in the first place, so he could “watch.”

        And after his humiliating comment during our sexting of “I can cut you off the night before and then have you again the very next day” (that’s what he had done just prior to that), I went quiet on him not long after that. And then later, when we had talked it over and made up, he was distant. He said he was only distant because I had been, and that my behavior was ruining “us.” He said things and acted like there really was an US, like he was invested in what we have. He told me he was attached to me, that he had never felt this way about anyone he talked to online. I STILL WONDER if maybe he was telling the truth. When I told him I felt manipulated, he said he was hurt by that, and by the insinuation that he would play some yearlong game with me.

        OMG, the obsessing and rehashing every word, it never ends! 🙁 In this very moment, I don’t even know if just cutting him off cold and without goodbye was the right thing. I should know, but I still don’t at moments. So I lurch onto hope, thinking “maybe you don’t feel ending it was right because in your heart you know he was real.” Damn it.

  8. I just got a mental image of the bunny boiler lmao …nothing like a little fatal attraction to spice up an evening lol.

  9. Understanding made me stop trying, but could not quell the wanting. Perhaps time will…

    Thanks for the understanding HG.

  10. This tenacity though works very much against them in some ways – for example: if the person is so full of rage and will stop at nothingness to expose them or get some kind of revenge.

    1. Exactly. When we reach our breaking points, our tenacity can serve us well as we cling to what’s left of our dignity and won’t let go of it, as we fight off the narcissistic infection that has infiltrated our hearts. I will never. ever. give up on doing what’s right, and what’s right for me. Which of course means being narc-free.

  11. Your resilient post – I never really had a golden period , you described it somewhere as the lesser / mid , really just hiding the monster and nothing more, that is spot on with my situation . The best he does is keep it under control but if alcohol is involved he can not control it. What is slightly odd with mine is that each time we have broken up , when we get back together he gets better and for much longer periods of time , he was actually worse in the early days . But over the 2 and a half years he has got better and better , the last stint being 10 months , you called that a respite period , probably very true . But he seems to work backwards , he improves all the time . Of course not by a normal persons standards . Any thoughts on that HG ?

  12. I once, ONCE dated a nice guy, opened doors, made me dinner, he was a true gentleman. It drove me crazy. I couldn’t stand it. I so wish I had married THAT guy, but…he was beige. Vanilla. Boring. Bad boys were always more fun even though they always broke my heart. I somehow knew after narc/psychopath/jezebel #2 that I would be totally messed up for future relationships, because I wanted the *adventure.* (or something) I don’t know if it is due to our families of origin, that some of us grow up to be narcs, and others narc bait…or why this all has to play out the way it does, but it is just an exhausting nightmare. Even trying to stay out of the game doesn’t work as a narc boss or potential mate just always seems to come out of nowhere. The ratio has to be much higher than the statistics of 1 in 20 or 25. I saw somewhere it is more like 1 in 6. I believe it. Sorry for the long post, guess I had to vent.

    1. There was also a guy like that in my past. Met him in my mid 20s in a library, went on a few dates. He was very nice, and a fact that was unknown to me in the beginning, friends (not close) with my brother. But he was so nice I couldn’t handle it. It bored me. I still feel bad about this but I ended up calling him and telling me to leave me the hell alone and not call, not leave flowers, not send letters. I’ve never been that horrible to anyone. Today he’s a lawyer, has his shit together, a wife and kids.

      1. telling him, not me. The craziness hasn’t progressed quite that far yet.

      2. Nice guys LOVE crazy girls. They feel like Captain-save-a-ho. Not calling you a ho but they do ❤ the theatrics.

  13. I never had a normal, amicable break-up. They were all filled with drama, horrible and simply never made much sense. Could it be that all my ex-boyfriends were narcissistic? I see friends having normal break-ups and I always think it must be so nice to not end up hating someone you once loved because you feel like they treated you like actual dirt. I know for sure that the last one was a narcopath, the one before him was probably not quite that “bad”, but definitely narcissistic (pilot, arrogant, full of himself) and without disclosing too much I will just say that the whole thing ended with the police involved.

  14. HG, I get a sick, sick feeling reading this. Getting the golden period back being so elusive because it never existed in the first place… And it’s nauseating and dizzying when we are smacked by such a cold reality.

    Thank you for sharing this. All of your posts help keep the illusion in a heap on the floor where it belongs.

  15. You mentioned a “normal relationship” several times. It made me think of the time he said “normal is so boring”. Hmm

  16. BACK on track? How about I tried to get it on track in the first place lmao.

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