Ever Presence
Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you. It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal. We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.
What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences? Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?
The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories. The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach. The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation. The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.
The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence. He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”. Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered. The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.
The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence. The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.
The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like. This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck. All of it is calculated and planned, even though there may not be vast differences between what is applied to each of his victims. After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.
30 thoughts on “Ever Presence”
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Lol. This is an interesting thread. Would it bother me to be in the same room as HG. No, I already know he is a narcissist. Going in with my eyes open I’d find it interesting to see how much I could pick up on in terms of vibe.
Narc Affair, I can relate to the constant texting. We used to do the same. Facebook is to be avoided, never liked Facebook. It always felt like I was invading someone’s privacy when I looked at their profile. Texting though, all the time, during the day, through the night, falling asleep texting. First person I spoke to in the morning, last person I spoke to at night. He was also my ‘ go to’. First person I wanted to tell if something good happened. First person I needed to tell if something bad happened. Feels like I lost my life support to be honest.
If you change your number then you don’t wait for the text. It hands control to you not him. Good thing. Nothing worse than waiting for the ping.
Music is another problem. My narc was like negative marketing. Silent treatments would be broken by him adding a song link. Then more silence. I’d listen to the song trying to find the hidden meaning in the lyrics. It happened so often that I have a full playlist just of those songs. I named it ‘ A sad end’ that was two years ago. So I did know it was going no where. We always know, but we disregard and excuse.
I was listening to the radio in the car the other day and one of those songs came on. (Gotye Somebody that I used to know) I switched channel but it was too late. My mood had already dipped, he was already in my head again. I called a friend and forced myself to concentrate on the conversation, which helped but didn’t remove that dip. Music is a powerful link. I am very susceptible to my mood changing in accordance to what I listen to. Has always been the case. This music programming will be one of the hardest threads for me to break in entirety. It will break in the end though. 😊
Interesting narcissists instinctively pick up on these weaknesses of ours when they have no emotional empathy.
Truthseeker, what you wrote: ” I’d listen to the song trying to find the hidden meaning in the lyrics.”
Same happened to me, a lot. I knew he meant to make a point through the lyrics of the songs, because he often checked afterwards to see if I’d got it. And most of the time I couldn’t make sense of it because he saw his own meaning in the song, relating to things in his life before that I didn’t know about.
Such an easy way to make the other person feel totally useless.
Lol, Fiddleress, you’ll understand this I think. That particular song ‘ Somebody that I used to know.’ It’s actually a pretty confusing song in itself if you listen to the lyrics. It’s purposely unclear as to whether he refers to the ex or current love interest.
This song was one of five that he sent back to back in the space of a minute. The others weren’t romantic ( I don’t do overtly soppy) but would be taken in a positive way. I only homed in on this one though.
I fired off a load of questions on the back of it, all unanswered. Apart from one. ‘ Sometimes I think you almost hate me. Do you?’ Instant response, another link. ‘ I don’t hate you.’
I kicked out so much fuel it’s untrue. I talked through silences as if he was there. I self analysed, wrote it all down and sent it. I pointed out all my weak points. He was my person, part of a two. I wrote my thoughts to my friend, not the ‘more than friend‘ side of him. I even told him I saw him as a two. It’s messed up in every sense of being messed up. Still I fought on for weeks, through silence, my messages just turning to read but unanswered. I am the frikkin’ mother load of fuel lol. Or, I was the mother load.
I don’t think he could have anticipated how hard I would fight. I really did fight and keep on fighting. I only stopped after the Narc Detector. I needed to stop, I knew that already. But, for some reason I also needed someone to give me permission to stop. That’s what HG did. Unknowingly. By confirming I was dealing with a narcissist, I wis given permission to stop fighting.
My ET just shot up through the roof 🥺
Truthseeker, I knew the song but had never paid attention to the lyrics. So I’ve just listened to it again and it spells out so perfectly a conversation that an N could have with their partner, it’s amazing.
The problem with asking our Ns any question is that we couldn’t expect to receive a truthful answer. Not that we knew.
I wasn’t allowed to ask mine any question, so that solved the problem! In fact, as soon as I gathered, very early on, that I wasn’t to ask questions, I instinctively refrained from giving him what I now know to be fuel. Negative fuel, at least.
I can totally relate to what you say about the Narc Detector. I had little doubt that mine was one, but when I got confirmation from HG, and the way he pointed out that this was a manipulation, and that too, it put an end to the turmoil.
When I received the e-mail with the result of the ND, I sort of had a short panick attack before listening, maybe because I knew it would be the end of something, and it can be hard to accept to let go even of the hurt – and that is ET as well, I suppose. But HG’s response to the ND gave me closure, and then I could start moving forward.
Thank you for sharing. Don’t let that ET get you. It almost did get me last week after I dreamt about the N for the first time and was pissed about it for a few days. So I listened to The Final Battle again, and then I was fine.
Thank you Fiddleress. I’m back to the Cluehunter research for now. Should take up all the free thinking space for me. I’m hitting dead ends left and right!
I meant *pissed off*, not ‘pissed’ as in on a pub crawl…
Flowery language just won’t convey how I felt.
My narc and I had a song thing going, too. The last song he left me was “Vice” by Miranda Lambert.
Asshole.
I left him Halsey’s “You Should Be Sad”
PS: I got mine in first!
Hey Lickemtomorrow x
I love Halsey too. Nice choice Haha.
When I was in the thick of the confusion, and most likely because his comments and song links felt so erratic I knew there was something very wrong. I actually became convinced that he was suffering with depression. I seemed to be dealing with two different people rolled into one. I started researching depression online to understand more. I was never convinced he fit the profile. So I moved on to BPD and schizophrenia. He didn’t fit those profiles either. I didn’t research narcissism. It just didn’t spring to mind.
Music affects me to a ridiculous extent. Don’t know why. I think narcissists use it because they can’t feel. They can’t feel so for the most part the words to express themselves won’t come. Worse, they don’t feel but pretend they do. What better way to plug the gap than by using the words of another. Logical really. I’d love to know which songs are on HG’s playlist of luurve! If my top pick for most romantic song of all time is in there I’ll eat my knickers.
It isn’t doing us any good to look back here though Lickemtomorrow. I feel way lower having written these last few comments. I know my ET is skyrocketing, my mood has dipped and I know why. (5th sphere)
I need to pull up x
Hi TS, Halsey has some good songs, and I have a tendency to go to the lyric versions which I find far more impactful, a still shot where you have to listen to the words, or a live version. I often find the videos they make these days far too distracting and at times downright offensive. But my musical tastes cut across generations. I noticed my narc for the most part was stuck in the 80’s. It’s the words that hold meaning for me. And sometimes there didn’t need to be words. I once sent him a video of the Piano Guys “Can’t Help Falling in Love” (a piano version of the old Elvis number). I said, ‘this is what I think making love would sound like if it was played on the piano’ or something along those lines.
I totally get what you are saying about music being used as a medium whereby narcs can plug a gap that they couldn’t necessarily plug any other way. That makes sense to me.
And definitely as empaths we’re prone to feeling the music and lyrics in a way they are not.
Haha to wondering about HGs list 🙂 I think I’ve seen it somewhere and I know one of my/our songs was on it. I wish I could remember which one! There’s definitely favourite picks out there and maybe we should get a copy of the list so the red flags could be raised. (Hopefully you won’t have to eat your knickers :P)
I’m thinking the same about the letter thread … I’ll never look at a hand written love letter the same way. Or at least I’ll be more conscientious/aware if I ever receive another one.
Anyway, I hope you pulled up OK, and I’ve probably spent enough time lingering in the 5th sphere here now, too.
You take care <3
Is it possible for us to also do this to them too?
No and not should you.
HG, thank you for this. It is chilling how effective EverPresence is. My narc told me during devaluation (or what i perceive as devaluation) that there’s this Nikki Minaj/David Guetta song that reminds him of me. It’s called “Hey Mama.” I told him it is catchy, but the lyrics aren’t very empowering. He said, “It’s just a song.” And he went quiet for a bit after. I was wondering right then if he told me about this song to 1)gloat about how he can get me to do anything and 2) linger in my mind while he was not around. Because I’m bad to get songs in my head for days, and this one was no different, and every time it popped into my head, of course I thought of him. Not sure if this was on purpose or it just worked out that way. Thoughts, HG? Or are there some things that are coincidence and not meant to have the effect?
Or am I just being ridiculous? In general, if a guy says a song reminds him of you, it’s a compliment. Even if it’s not a sappy love song. Shouldn’t I have just have appreciated it? He may not have been devaluing at all, and maybe he “went quiet” because I analyzed the lyrics instead of just having fun with the damn song.
This part goes with the message above, but this is part 1 and the message starting with “or am I just being ridiculous” is part 2.
HG, thank you for this. It is chilling how effective EverPresence is. My narc told me during devaluation (or what i perceive as devaluation) that there’s this Nikki Minaj/David Guetta song that reminds him of me. It’s called “Hey Mama.” I told him it is catchy, but the lyrics aren’t very empowering. He said, “It’s just a song.” And he went quiet for a bit after. I was wondering right then if he told me about this song to 1)gloat about how he can get me to do anything and 2) linger in my mind while he was not around. Because I’m bad to get songs in my head for days, and this one was no different, and every time it popped into my head, of course I thought of him. Not sure if this was on purpose or it just worked out that way. Thoughts, HG? Or are there some things that are coincidence and not meant to have the effect?
This article reminded me of one of my ex’s favourite EverPresence tactics: he used to leave those small post-it notes ( with love messages) hidden all over the house: in the drawers, inside my favourite books etc. I found them now and then ..those little notes could be anywhere..
For some months ago ( No contact for 18 months now) I found one of those little notes inside a book in my book shelf…which of course I threw away. He left me reminders of him..for me to find some day!
Just an example of how ingenious and effective they are in finding ways to leave EverPresence even when they are not physically proximate any more.
Indeed ,very calculated and planned…
About the mid-ranger- “… he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence.”
I know this too well.
The ever presence is a bastard. This weekend has been the first anniversary of seduction. First weekend I was drugged. Had my house keys copied. Had my handbag gone through & private information taken. That he took me out to my favourite cuisine. First time I saw the flash of the malevolent eyes. I know with grief getting past the ‘first’ of everything is usually the worst so I’m glad this weekends over. I’m changing work soon so I no longer have to deal with the same customers as him everyday. I’m exorcising him from as many areas as I can but I cannot change religion that of it’s nature sees everyone know each other by 2-3 degrees of separation regardless of location. I cannot change the date my (dead) children were due to be born from also being his birthday. That he used their funeral song against me. That he went through their photo album without me to get that information. That was something I had wanted to share with him that first weekend but instinct stopped me but he took it anyway. Understanding that I was a part of the cause of what he is today from all those years ago & this was revenge. Most of this other stuff will fade with time but the shared date never will. The ultimate & most cruel ever presence. I pray for the day I can make peace with that & understand the bigger picture behind it.
I did enjoy your opening sentence.
I liken everpresence to a narc spinning a web around its victim and cacooning it. Youre right where they want you and it wont be easy to just fly away free. I knew this a bit before knowing about narcissism but never did i know it to be an intentional tactic. I do see it now. They inject themselves into every facet of your life. Its hard to complain bc it feels good having them so close and feeling like they take an interest in you. Im so much more aware of this now and observe. It doesnt help to know bc it still has its impact if the narcs not around thru disengagement.
Some examples ive observed of intentional everpresence in my life with the narc…
1. Taking a huge interest in my dog which im very close to. Its hard to discern if this is everpresence or his desire to have a pet as a child which they werent allowed to have. He makes jokes that my dogs texting him with cute requests like she wants bbq or that she feels ignored. I find it so sweet and funny but on the flipside hes triangulated me with my dog during shelving episodes by talking excessively about my dog to an annoying extent. He does this to punish but also ruin something i love which is my dog. That all being said when hes not around my dog reminds me of him and his attention he gave to her and our shared interest in her.
2. Facebook injection…fb can be such a handy tool to the narc. Im not a huge facebooker but i am somewhat active on my acct. I started an animal group and hes the one whose been posting the most on it. He shares cute links and is always liking my posts which i really love and appreciate. I thank him all the time for this sweet gesture but it sets the stage for when disengagement happens. I see his posts and his “lack of” posts and it feels empty and baron. Very painful 🙁
3. Constant texts and phone calls…we have a routine thru the day when we talk and communicate aside from meeting up. This is deadly bc if he decides to change it i really feel it which hes not done but theres that fear of losing everpresence too. When we have disengaged it feels so foreign no longer having him around so routinely. It really makes me feel lost which is the intent.
4. Sharing our lives as friends. This is a huge area of everpresence that needs changing. Ive allowed him to become my number one friend and confidant. I share everything with him. Things that happen in my day, what i buy, my hobbies, music, movies, news…everything. hes my go to person to share with. Its felt so good but hes a narc and putting so much of myself into someone who doesnt have my best interests at heart is dangerous. It also creates a dependancy and ive isolated myself from others. When we disengage the lack of having that person to share with has a devastating effect.
I think everpresence is one if not the most dangerous areas we stumble staying nc. This is why they spin the web of everpresence so were cacooned within them. Its stifling and very hard to break free of.
An informative post NA.
Ty HG its been helpful reading your blogs in pinpointing these things out and why. What fascinates me are the narcs that dont realise theyre doing this but it comes naturally to them to create everpresence in the empaths life. As an empath id never think to do any of the tactics a narc does. The sad reality is much of a narcissists tactics work.
Narc Affair,
As usual, so much of what you share I can relate to. The narc also became a part of my routine. He would skip days (off chasing other supply) but for just over a year, he mostly was a part of every day. Even when not in seduction mode, he would ask how my day was and share his, tell me about his kids’ baseball games, etc. I was attached to this in addition to the sexual attention and pursuit. He often was my go-to person about things too, at least to vent to and in many cases to get a guy’s perspective. He acted at times like he cared. Like, he wanted me to sext other guys and then share it all with him for his enjoyment, but if one of them said something outright mean, he would be like, “You don’t want that. You’re worth more than that.” He acted like a friend in many ways. Or he was triangulating? Or he was trying to play the role of good friend? How will I ever fucking know for sure?
It’s not surprising how hard the idea of cutting off your narc is for you, considering not only how long you have been involved, and that you have the in-person sex to solidify that attachment. Add to that the friendship you feel with him, whether it’s real or not on his end, and it’s a compelling bond.
If he hadn’t brought the twisted shit into it (you have prob read comments describing that stuff), I wouldn’t have walked away. It’s just things would start to feel real, and like we were maybe getting closer, and then he’d say something fucked up and then act like I was taking it too seriously, etc. And I still don’t know. Maybe i WAS. That thought keeps pulling and pulling at my heart and making me want to cry. If we had a fairly good thing and I ruined it all with overthinking.
I’m almost envious of the skills your kind employ in creating such a devastatingly powerful imprint on your victims.
Ever presence is what I’m dealing with right now. Escaped several months ago. I dreamed last week that he was standing across the street from my apartment building, just standing there… staring. It was both creepy and a bit sad. I just purchased your book “Exorcism”. Hoping that will help me release any lingering thoughts of him. Funny thing is I don’t miss him nor do I want to see him. Thanks to this blog and videos I’m more disgusted by the mere thought of him than anything. So I don’t understand why he occasionally shows up in my dreams.
I think I would be terrified to even stand in the same room with you.
I’d be terrified to stand in the same room with HG, but also dying to do so. Will I ever learn?
::rolls eyes at myself::
You have steamed up my glasses! I am so glad that you were way out of my league and that we will never meet because you would certainly be my undoing.
Echoing your sentiment, RS. lol We wouldn’t stand a chance!
“She was just another broken doll, dreaming of a guy with glue.” – Atticus
traumatic bonding – strong emotions are created as much through good times as extreme stress and conflict (or the combination), a blurring of the lines between fantasy and reality, plus a person’s own psychological patterns which make them more or less suceptible.