Showing Restraint






In some instances, the actions of our kind necessitate the obtaining of an injunction or a restraining order to address certain behaviours. Obtaining one is not always as straight forward as it might appear, though much depends on the type of narcissist that you are dealing with. You can often count on facing a counter-application which is designed to muddy the waters, intimidate you and/or be used as a bargaining chip in order to cause you to drop your own action. The fabrication of evidence in support of our own application can be expected. However, let us assume that you have succeeded in obtaining the injunction or restraining order and there has been no cross-application from us, will we obey the restraining order that you have secured?

Do not think that it is as simple matter of  us evaluating whether we should obey it or not. You must keep in mind that we are entitled to do as we please, when we want, where we want and with whomsoever we choose. This includes you, probably more than anybody. We operate from a position of assumed superiority and we do not recognise or respect any boundaries. The presence of a restraining order is regarded as a terrible and unjustified imposition on our capacity to do what must be done. In order to understand whether we will comply with it, you must understand how it fits into the narcissistic dynamic. This differs dependent on the type of narcissist your order is against.

The Lesser.  The Lesser Narcissist, although he has a lower control threshold, meaning his fury is more prone to erupt, he also has less energy and motivation to embark on a hoover. In such circumstances, whoever it is who has to serve the restraining order is likely to receive the initial backlash as the Lesser’s fury erupts on receipt of this criticism. The provision of such a shackle on his ability to do as he pleases amounts to a considerable criticism. Most process servers will serve the order without providing fuel. The same goes for the judge, if the narcissist has attended court to challenge the application. You can expect an immediate eruption in such circumstances and the Lesser will lash out at those in the vicinity.

Once this fury has abated, will he obey the order? The existence of the order acts to raise the bar rather high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. This makes the prospect of successfully extracting fuel harder and therefore even if there is a Hoover Trigger, the existence of the order means that the criteria is far less likely to be met, you will be left alone and the order will be obeyed. Note how it is not the order per se that causes compliance, but its effects on the Hoover Execution Criteria. That is why it is necessary to understand how a restraining order fits into the narcissistic dynamic.

The circumstances where the Lesser is likely to break a restraining order are: –

  1. If you criticise him and ignite his fury, for instance if you contact the Lesser by telephone. The ignition of fury will mean he will have no regard for the order and come after you in order to seek fuel to deal with the wound you have caused. It may be the case that the Lesser is forbidden from coming near you, but you can still contact him if required (if indeed you actually wanted to); or
  2. You do something which lowers the bar on the Hoover Execution Criteria. Thus if the Lesser happens to see you somewhere, perhaps by accident, the presentation of potential fuel in this manner means the criteria will be more readily met, a hoover will take place and the order will be broken.

The Lesser is not concerned with the downside of breaking the order.

The Mid-Range. The Mid-Range narcissist is of all the schools of narcissist most likely to obey the order. This is because his passive aggressive nature does not lend itself to contravening the order, combined with the raising of the HEC bar as described above. You should also note that he has an increased cognitive function so that he is well aware of the downside of contravening the order and the consequent effect on his liberty which will thus in turn hamper his fuel gathering capabilities. If the Mid-Range is going to breach the order, he will do so by utilizing a proxy to approach you on his behalf. This will not be done in any aggressive way, but rather as a pity play beseeching you to stop this unnecessary action and “can we not just talk to one another like reasonable people”. This is a ploy through a third party to cause you to lower your guard so a hoover can be effected and without any consequence. If you agree, the hoover will not be malign, he will seek positive fuel in order to build a bridge to keep coming back for more.

The Greater.  The HEC bar is raised but the Greater has greater energy and cunning to address this adjustment. He also has a greater sense of entitlement. The Greater is well aware how the downside of contravening such an order will have against him. He will know it will impact on his capabilities for gathering fuel and also damage the façade. He is however driven and regards the appearance of such an order as a challenge for him to flex his cunning and manipulative muscles. The Greater will not be able to resist the opportunity for game-playing but will do so in a manner which minimises risk to him. He will have the arrogance to assume he will not be caught, but lack the stupidity to blindly contravene it. Instead, he will utilize all manner of tactics to breach the order but through others with no link to him, he will rely on plausible deniability and the threat of breaching it, to cause consternation on the part of the victim. The Greater will not want to suffer the downside, he is wary of this, he does not want his standing to be affected by it and the effect it will have on his carefully constructed façade, but the temptation of the fuel and the desire to win, by outsmarting the order will usually prove too great. If there is a trigger and the HEC is met, the Greater will hoover but will do so in a clever manner. There will be no crass and blunt weapon involved. He will aim to breach it, but through clever manipulation, the use of others and the complete avoidance of repercussions for him.

11 thoughts on “Showing Restraint

  1. Yolo says:

    My texts ruined it for me. I can send mean and crazy texts but wished to not have him near me. He’s updated his linkedin account to list his location as California. The city he’s using is about 25 minutes drive from my home. He enlisted a lieutenant to purchase from me on Friday via the web. I have to ship to his hometown. I told the lieutenant that i have very good friend near him. He asked about his organization and said he’d never met but he will reach out because he’s doing positive things and a good guy.

    Of course, you’ve never met but are showering him with compliments more was said to lead me to believe he knows him.

    I think he’s a upper middle maybe bordering greater. Sadly, my future real estate and retirement plans are in their State.

    The real estate prices and taxes compared to California will allow me to work part time and travel.

    I am sure he will seek a notice of protection. Some days i am like f*** let’s go. Other days, i dont think its appropriate to share here.

    HG, keep them coming. Not sure if i am at consult level .☺ My list of questions are becoming shorter as i read posts.

    1. MsSevyn says:

      They bait you into firing back with texts, then you look like the crazy one. I learned to block his number.

  2. Anna C says:

    Thank you for this article. My narc works at the same company and my departing note informed him that if he didn’t leave me alone he would be facing a sexual harassment suit. I wasn’t sure how he would respond but now I have a good idea of what to expect. Thank you for your immense wisdom, you have truly made my life so much easier.

  3. MsSevyn says:

    The greater will be good friends with the judges and he’ll have a damn good lawyer, so enforcement actions will cost him money and nothing else.

  4. Good evening HG, has anyone ever attempted to serve an order on you?
    If not, why do you think that is?
    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I have solicitors instructed to accept service. They (nor I) have been served with a dv injunction.

      1. Thank you.
        I had to look up ‘accepting service’ as I’d never heard of it before. Interesting.
        After I’d asked the question I realised that you’re far too clever to put yourself in a position where anything could be used against you. Very naive of me given my education here!
        I live in such a different world.

      2. superxena says:

        Hello HG,
        I am not acquainted with legal terms either..
        Do you mean that your solicitors would act on behalf of you ( accepting the serve) in case of a dv injunction served on you?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes if anyone ever had the temerity to seek one and it was actually granted, they would not be able to serve me personally.

          1. superxena says:

            Thank you for your answer HG. Extremely effective way of protection by anticipating war IF that would be the case…one step ahead.
            You mentioned specifically the case of a dv injunction..but I assume it applies to any kind of injunction?
            I understand when you say “if someone ever has the temerity to seek one”…On your book “Escape” you describe very thoroughly what would happen if someone brings it up to that level…not a pleasant scenario ….

          2. superxena says:

            ..and I think that is the same philosophy underlying here on your site:
            Protection by anticipation through knowledge and learning regarding NPD.
            …regarding war…sometimes the only way of winning the war is by not entering it ( I guess you stated that as well on the above mentioned book)

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