Poll – How Did You Meet Your Narcissist?

POLL

I would like to know the circumstances of you meeting the narcissist or narcissists that you have been entangled with. For most this will be the romantic narcissist, but of course there are those who will have experienced entanglement through a familial connection, through social engagement, work, business and other means besides.

How did this entanglement come about and where was that critical first meeting? Did you happen to meet at a bar one evening or was it your dentist who was providing a service who inveigled his way into your life? Perhaps you met somebody at work and they became the boss from hell or there was a romantic path from that point onwards? Maybe your interaction arose from attending the same church or at the amateur dramatic society? Wherever it happened I am interested to know.

Since you may well have experienced more than one narcissist, you can answer up to five different times to reflect the multiple ensnaring you have experienced.

Thank you for your participation.

How did you meet the narcissist?

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257 thoughts on “Poll – How Did You Meet Your Narcissist?”

  1. None of the above! We started out as roommates, I was living with my now ex and we shared a house with The Demon. 2 years into my previous relationship, things went south, and I started to be friendly with the narcissistic psychopath. After that the formal relationship happened and now I feel like I want to die every day that I breathe. The only reason I am still alive today is because of HG. There are no words to express my gratitude to him and his bolg each and every day!

  2. Lengthy history. None apply. All the rest does. Good news. Bad news. Hashtag “winning” the game by: knowing what it is. And not playing. By learning the rules (there are no rules) Ironic because living in the regime was wrought with “rules.” I was occupied by trying to work them out. Done. This site rocks. It is a true gem.

  3. Narc Angel, I like your thinking, a vibrater for pleasure a dog for companionship.Sounds almost ideal to me:)

  4. Perfectly said. I have been nine months with no contact so I don’t have to deal with him anymore. If I do happen to run into another one this is exactly what I will do- run, like the devil is chasing me, because he is! 😉👍🏻

  5. My father (a surgeon) is a cerebral narcissist, upper-mid range, I would say. My mother may be a victim narcissist but is more probably a borderline, I think. Given that home environment, it’s perhaps not surprising that my best friend for thirty years (before I rumbled her) is also a narcissist. She’s a sculptor, a somatic narc. Again, probably upper-mid range. I met her at school, which your poll doesn’t have an option for.

    1. Interesting dynamic there. My mother is a borderline. Why she isn’t “abusive”, she engulfs everyone and everything, which is just as bad. I am wondering if a cerebral midrange would try to keep the borderline in line or if they would play into the dysfunction

      1. They seemed to work out a way of living that suited them both for twenty five years. Dad was mainly out committing adultery (except when he came home to make sure we understood how disappointed he was with our school marks) and Mum was mainly upstairs in bed with her “bad back”.

  6. I met the lesser at the park in our community. He was a neighbor staying in a Casita on rental property that his aunt was renting. Of course, he stayed in the main house. “Recently divorced, new to area, starting over, family first, ailing grandmother ( recently passed), fertility issues ( cause of divorce), Christian, health freak and you name it. Lol, he never showed the crazy direct abuse more covertly.

    BTW, if you are aware of narcissistic behaviors you probably guessed 90% of the above statements were true. New to our community and sick grandmother.

    He told me his aunt told him if you really like her you had better be honest or you will lose her. Of course, this came after several interrogations. (Derived from my on disorder).

    He worked out at the park early mornings around the same time I started my walks. Now, I know it was intentional. He would speak every morning😊I told one of my employees “I found my motivation ” 😊I later revealed that to him, as a matter of fact I showed him the text. His physique is was drew me in. He had that star trek V thing going on. Not hard on the eyes, but definitely wouldn’t have drawn my attention without that body. He told me after weeks of trying to get me to say more than hi…that day was going to be his last day at the park. Damn Devil.

    That started the roller coaster, I never introduced him to family ( he complained), he was convenient I was new to community and I had tons of chores left. My contractor was draining me.

    If I was to be truthful, I was exchanging sex for painting, electrical, installation, repair and yard work.

    I later learned that he was stalking me, his goal was to instill fear in me. He watched my every move disclosed several places that he could view my house/front door from without drawing attention.

    The benches from the dog park.
    The large tree on the corner.
    The tree a block over on the corner.
    Near the mail boxes.
    The middle part of the hill.

    He told me this to instill fear in me, because I was placing myself I harms way and ideal rape victim.

    The list could go on. I am glad to express some of this b.s. and I don’t blame myself as much these days. H.G. has been the key. Some days I want to send him a personal email to express my gratitude for the knowledge he’s giving me but I don’t think it will be received in goodwill due to prior posts.

      1. Correction 90% of comments were not true. I felt the need to correct. I think it’s a first. 😊usually I realize the errors and think oh well.

  7. I was a very recent, grieving widow when we met at work. He held me while I sobbed, listened while I poured my heart out. Now he has no interest in how I feel or anything I say. But in his defense he’s married to a woman who’s still madly in love with her dead husband. If it wasn’t for the commotion he causes in my life I’d have no feelings at all.

  8. I went to a formal party with the narcissist I was with at the time. I was intrigued with some gossip I heard about a man that was at the party. He was “A lady’s man” “a sex addict” etc. I met him, but was with my current Greater. When I was in a devaluation phase with my then Greater, I “ran into” the “lady’s man” . Began a new entanglement with this guy, who turned out to also be a greater. The whole story is interesting, and soap opera like, but has aged me a bit, and I wouldn’t want to take on another narcissist, thank you.

  9. Meeting mid-range narcissist at work actually makes a lot of sense. What an easy and lazy way to find someone. It’s so convenientttttt.

    1. I thought that was a Christian dating site. They ask way too many questions and charge you way too much so I’m surprised that narcs are on there!

      1. When you know better, you do better. This site teaches me to Know better. Thank you.

      2. ✾ HG, then how or where do you recommend we meet people to date? And, when are you starting up that “Screening” Service you spoke of awhile back??? I think that is a brilliant idea… there are MANY of us that would utilize the service… (and more €€€ for you and your legacy)

      3. There will be a new site called Tudor Introductions – only empaths are allowed in and of course yours truly will sniff out the Greaters, Lessers and most of all those peasy-ass Mid Ranger types in an instant so the wolf in sheep’s clothing won’t get in.

      4. I would love that…. Knowing me I would be the first person in the history of the world to turn an empath into a sociopath. Or end up with the only narcissist to get through… A greater of course….

      5. May I ask why?
        I have read many people on the blog state that they will never date or frequent online sites ever again.
        I understand it is a way to protect themselves from future hurt and deception. Yet, I also believe its counter productive. As empaths, we need human interaction. We need to socialize with our fellow man. We need to spread our love. To isolate ourselves from the world defeats our purpose. We become even more vulnerable and susceptible when alone. Yes, there is more to life than dating. But we need that interaction. Of course, this does not apply to people who are fresh out of a narc relationship. They are too vulnerable and need time to heal.
        Mr. Tudor, you’ve educated us on what to look for and how to quickly spot narcs.
        So my question is why isolate ourselves from the world in fear of the big bad wolf? We are living in a digital world. Online dating is how most people meet now a days.
        The most important thing is for empaths not to believe the hype. We can be guilty of falling quickly for sweet dreams.
        Do you not believe the more we read your work and interact with various people, the more aware and armed we become?
        The only reason I’m saying this is because I do not want that beautiful empathic light to go to waste. Spread the love and light – wisely.
        💙❤💚💜

      6. A dating service where you screen all others of your kind out, that one I would join.
        Only thing is I don’t believe an empath man could handle me 🙁

      7. Twilight
        Yeah, that’s a problem. Not sure we’d be attracted to each other. It’s opposites that attract. Be nice to be able to connect up to friends though.

      8. Windstorm2

        Lol I am friends with many, they just don’t have that something “dangerous” I crave. There was one before my husband, if I hadn’t been married still when we ran into each other again…..28 yrs later he finally married after this meeting. He waited, I told him not to wait any longer I would not be free until my husband died.
        We are friends and I am very happy he finally found someone and seeing him smiling, happy.

      9. Twilight
        Yes, they are just lacking.
        I definitely don’t crave danger. I instinctively hide when I’m around a dangerous narc. What I crave, though, is that extreme confidence. And when you mix that uber-confidence with intelligence and education – that’s just trumps everything else for me. It’s worth putting up with a lot of bullshit. I just have to make sure to not get overwhelmed and subsumed. As long as I can maintain my own autonomy, these kind of narcs can be great to hang out with. Live with – no, but hang out with – definitely. Very little is as entertaining as watching a group of intelligent narcs play games with each other!

      10. Windstorm2

        I have had guns to my head, knives at my throat, and much more, there are different levels of danger.
        I agree extreme confidence, intelligence and education equals super sexy and dangerous, I have yet to come across an empathic man that holds all of these traits.
        I have been amused many times watching lessors and mids go at it. A cock fight with out chickens. And as close to an animal fight I ever want to witness.
        I have been impressed by the Greaters and how they conduct things.

      11. Twilight
        I’ve never met an empathic man with all three either. It seems to be that confidence they lack. I’m not sure it’s possible for an empathic person to be so uber confident. Just the reality of being empathic keeps you tuned in to how other people feel. That supreme level of confidence narcs have is not affected by others feelings. It’s more like a force of nature.

      12. Windstorm2

        They are a force of nature! Yet empaths are to, we just have forgotten!

        I agree and disagree with you on how others effect there supreme confidence, it just doesn’t affect them as it does an empath. Where they feel power we feel guilt. Which leads to the difference in the outward projection of confidence.

      13. Twilight
        Very true! They feel power, we feel guilt. They are energized by the feeling of power and so continue. Whereas the guilt triggers indecision in us and often stops us.
        Neither one is always bad. Being energized to keep going can create much and do a lot of good. But being stopped by empathy prevents a lot of hurt and abuse.

      14. Windstorm2

        I believe over time the abuse came and twisted what once was just a different perspective. Something tainted the balance between them and us. There is a reason why we need each other.

      15. Twilight

        If its a fight between Lessers and Mids its also sometimes without cocks never mind chickens.

      16. NarcAngel

        Cock fight, what the hell is the difference lessor/mid men and chickens

      17. NarcAngel

        I would call the others a cat fight claws and all still amusing as hell

      18. Nail on the head WS2! The excitement and confidence. They march right in and take what they want. My ex husband doesn’t have a backbone and he would never fight with me which infuriated me. I don’t want a hurtful fight but a good fight is invigorating and shows passion. We never had that. With the sociopath. . . OH BOY!!!

      19. I think I have met empathic men with those traits, who were real empaths, highly developed individuals.
        But had no relationship with them, therefore can’t be too sure.

        But yes, normal men are too un-intense, boring, grey, etc., to me, too.

      20. Haha. So were all agreed then that we dont want normals and we dont want Narcs? I think we should take the chick they mirrored (cause shes awesome!) along with a vibrator for pleasure and a dog for companionship. None of those have ever failed me.

      21. Mr.Tudor, I was asked to create a social website based around chess but it has all of the features of a dating site, such as private chat, notifications,photo albums,
        So if you would like such a site I could make it quickly as I could simply re-use a lot of the code.

      22. I want someone who’s like me, NarcAngel! Not the illusion of that person, but a real one! Fast, intense, deep, …

  10. He contacted me online. He lived in a different state… but said he had spent time in my small town and remembered me from high school. He would contact me occasionally online over a period of a couple years. Then he made an appearance there… while he was visiting friends. Turns out he was hiding from his wife that I never knew he had. He later left her for me, moved me from Arizona to Texas, only to disable both of my vehicles and throw me out of our home six months later. He tried to get me back two months afterward, then faked a suicide attempt… he is now back with his wife.

  11. I have encountered more than I care to think about of all cadres, mostly in the workplace, both clients & colleagues including my daughters’ father. Family, the gym & some at church but the last & most devastating one was the Greater. He was my best friend at high school reunited 30 years later at a school reunion. He got his revenge & I had my blinders removed. I’m quite good at picking them now. Your kind are everywhere.

  12. I picked social event because it was when we were teenagers, I was drinking at a skate park with friends and he showed up with his cousins… That’s where I thought we had met anyway, apparently we met earlier but I didn’t know because he didn’t talk to me, he talked to my friend and asked her lots of questions about me then talked to me and asked me out when we met at the skate park.

  13. I have encountered these types all my life at work and through school . I keep myself to myself now . These sick individuals have tried to destroy me for many , many years . You have helped my understanding Mr.Tudor and for that I am grateful .

  14. #1 a lesser, met him at work 8 years together .
    #2 a lesser, met him at a post office 13 years together .
    #3 high level , met him in Facebook 3 years together .
    I will not be engaging in any more personal relationships concerning the opposite sex .
    I

  15. dating site. lol I should have had a clue when he said he was seeing a shrink and his ex-wife said she lost him to mental illness. LOL
    it was short lived anyway. I took down my profile and have not been back since. They are creepy to say the least.

  16. I’ve noticed that the women my ex gets involved with get younger and younger. He also hunts at work. When I say hunt…I mean situations fal into his lap and he acts all shy and what not.

    1. Well, you are 30 and that’s young 😊 Well Kinda, where does he work McDonald’s.

      No offense to you.

      1. He’s a special education teacher lol I met him when I was an Psych intern.

      2. Unfortunately, a haven for narc. A lot of schools do not have the funds to assess and appropriately place students so they lump them all together. Many times not based on intelligence but on behavior. My son without my assistance had 2 grades overturned (found out via parent conference) he admittedly would accept a u in behavior, but fought to have the academic part of report changed. He received 95 % accuracy culmative tests and class assignments.. Wait, one of his teachers told me he must be failing badly in government and economics. I said no, quite the contrary he has a A+and A. She said that’s odd considering he’s in my special ed class. Wth. Like I say the jury is still out. In saying this there could be little manipulators in special ed. I pulled up one time he was driving the Principals car. The school is highly regarded and we just had one of our own join the NBA.

      3. Yolo,

        I agree with you. I have a lot of issues with the education system in general. Everyone doesn’t fit in a box and in many ways those that don’t fit in this box are labeled and made to feel as though they aren’t good enough. All this standardized testing is preventing qualified kids, adolescents, and adults from achieving their potential. Education has become like a business. Anyone who is different has a harder time in the system. Everyone goes on and on about how they embrace diversity – but take a step back and take a look – do they really? I acknowledge is some ways education – especially special education has improved over the years but there are still many issues that haven’t been addressed and new issues that are emerging.

        I remember having to fight to take advanced placement psychology as a junior in high school. I wasn’t a ‘good’ kid. I didn’t do well in any of my classes – failed math and chemistry (to be fair I never really tried) but just because I didn’t do well in those classes people were trying to prevent me from taking this college level psychology class.

        I got my way and took the class. Of course it was full of all the honors students who were all trying to get into those top notch colleges. I could tell they were all wondering how and why I was in the class with them. The hilarious part is when it came down to taking the AP Psych exam I didn’t even study – walked in and got a 5 (the highest you can get on the AP exams) and all those teachers and student’s in my class just sat there like WTF? lol…. I was one of the only people that got a 5.

        I feel as though learning should be more self-directed and should take on a strength based approach. Learning should also be more interactive and there should be many different ways of demonstrating and producing material – not simply taking a multiple choice test or a short-answer exam.

        I certainly had behavior problems (I didn’t compare to my friends lol but I def. had some). There are ways to navigate around the bullshittery – its annoying and can be depressing at times but I always used my frustrations and my anger to push forward to prove everyone wrong. In the end I’m sure your kid will be very successful – even if he has to deal with the bullshit I dealt with along the way. There is more than one way to achieve something.

      4. You appear to be have a lot in common as my son. He can ace test with little or no studying thus the good grades. He exceeded in certain classes due to high test scores. When he became a senior all his credits were in but was required to complete two semesters of government, and one elective. The rest of his classes were teacher aide or video production. In order to stay on site for classes he needed a minimum of 4 classes. He begged for homeschool I wouldn’t allow it.

      5. To the “Doc”. Really? You say all this after rejecting what I had to say about the nature vs nurture theory?
        That there are different ways of looking at things and that the education system is bad?
        Hmm.. so hypocritical.

  17. The two I have have been involved with were my mother, and a man I ended up having an affair with.

    He and I met at social events through mutual friends. We saw each other at various gatherings over the course of a few years, but it wasn’t until he was single (and I was in a vulnerable state both personally and in my marriage) that the love bombing began. Our relationship lasted until my husband found out, at which time I ended it and began counselling. Thankfully, my marriage survived. I learned a very valuable lesson in taking red flags seriously and have been extremely careful with “too good to be true” types ever since.

    Sadly, my mother was still able to fool me for another 10 years, until events hit a crisis point and she was no longer able to keep her mask in place. Of course, with hindsight, I see the signs were there since I was a child, but, another lesson learned and I go forward wiser.

  18. I went to a religious meeting and there were zero narcissists 🙂
    admittedly there were only 3 people there, but oh well.

  19. I met my winner at work. Luckily for me I stopped working there like 5 years ago. If I had to see him everyday I would honestly lose my shit.

  20. Millionaire match.com 😂😂😂 lol, there’s no limit to their fuckery. I would love watch him pull that off.

    Wait, he’s an aire, or all his money is tied up in real estate. Smh

  21. I met my ex narc at work. I saw him for the first time when I entered the elevator at the end of a working day. He looked tired and “down” so I smiled at him. His face illuminated. Some days later, he came to sit at the table where I was having coffee with a “friend” of his who was showing interest in me (also a narc). Since I did not know they were friends at that moment, I found his gesture cheeky. He did come across as being very sure of himself. He was also very witty and elegant at the same time.
    It was his narc friend who introduced me to the group my ex narc was part of.
    I remember the moment I fell for him. He had invited some friends and me to eat at his place. He had cooked for us and we all had a very nice evening. It was winter and was cold outside. We were all saying goodbye outside his place when he walked toward me and closed my coat in a very tender and protective way, as if saying “I don’t want you to get cold”. This in front of all the others. Having been raised by a narcissistic mother, his apparent nurturing and caring side attracted me a lot. Besides, I had just ended a 10 year long relationship and was vulnerable.

  22. But seriously HG, is it not a good sign in general when a guy is at least willing to pay??? No?

    My exnarc told me he had paid the fee of his exex for a dating website because she had wanted now to meet her true partner in life. Hmmm….

    Love: I would have preferred the three sons. 😉

    1. Lol Ava, the 1st son whom I met at the club a year prior was a mini-me of Daddy Dearest. A narc in training but of course with better game, body, and face. The 2nd one works out at my gym. He’s hot and I think he’s a good person. I wouldn’t want to hurt him. The 3rd one is cute and shy. Also not someone I want to use to take revenge on Daddy.
      I’m no longer interested in revenge. Daddy was just an unmemorable sulking mid ranger.

  23. Interesting. The number of incidences relayed of hints, questioning oneself, red flags, and ignored intuition appears to be pointing glaringly at something.

  24. 2nd was my neighbor best friend who introduced us. I was moving to neighborhood but going to pool that day. My best friend and I pulled up at same time as my 2nd. We were introduced and he followed us to pool. He then pursued me and we were together 3 and 1/2 years. I saw red flags but he didn’t act out for 2 and a 1/2 years in an ugly way other than one time. Once he did it was ugly from there on out. There were signs I ignored early on .

  25. 1st, on a plane to KeyWest Fl. He sat right next to me and I married him there two years later with same friends in tow we had on first trip. I saw him in the airport and told my friend they should meet. Then he sat right next to me on the plane as I found funny. We chatted as I still wanted him to meet my friend. He was drawn to me and I enjoyed his personality. We stayed together almost 13 years .

  26. I met one , the greater, through a friend who had begged my friend for an introduction. I am an accountant by profession, and he asked if I could do his books. We chatted by phone several times, then he asked me to come to his home.

  27. Met both online. One contacted me because he loved my artistic work. Oh, he could not get enough of picking my brain. He wanted to know everything. But he spoke very little about himself. He gave me a fake name for 2.5 yrs and then a pathological list of lies–just made shit up. We were never romantic but he was a mid range who would punish me with silence and tell me how I was untrustworthy, while he was the one who lied. He is perfect proof that love bombing need not be romantic. And I fed his ego by telling him how smart and talented he was. BARF! More like a lazy ass. He was my 1st experience where I was so nice to someone who treated me so callously. Oh, and a master gaslighter manipulator he was. He fucked me up. And not even a boyfriend.

    The other was just a classic somatic asshole. He was more overt, gave more attention than the other guy, who never gave me the time of day. Oh you’re so beautiful, I want you, I want to fuck you so hard, I would love to be in a relationship with you…. Blah blah blah. Also a pathological liar. Told me he made 100K and graduated university with a scholarship. Though had a history of incarceration and a sex offense, I later learned. No college degree, crap jobs, kids out of wedlock, always with younger girls who are dumb, etc. A total loser.

    It was researching the 2nd (because I knew something was very wrong) which led me to ask, ‘Hmm…I wonder if the 1st guy was also a narcissist…’

    Ding, ding. We have a winner. Or loser?

  28. Been married six years, grew up a mile from eacother….i moved back home a few months after he did and became nieghbors…I was a single mom with my three kids and im a super empath and now i own the home and land that is attatched to his land b mere feet and i am 3 wks no contact and one wedk after he plastered his new source and him on fb and smeared me badddd. But i found out his new whore is ten yrs older and he is living in a old camper cuz she got evicted three months ago and he is homesick and extremely miserable… begging me to let him back home….My two lil girls and i was devalued for two yrs and my discard was everythjng i feared it to be but just knowing he is living in hell boosts my moral even tho my moral compass is soooo strong i still have had a difficult time the past few weeks distinguishing reality…but im still dealing and miss him i miss family time and his gripping arms around me at night but my new bed buddies are better… my lil girls

  29. Born into family with 3

    Picked out by 2 in college and love bombed with anonymous poetry before ever meeting them.

    Met through city paper personal ad prior to internet phenomenon.

    My currsent narcissist targeted me at work. He became intrigued by my brisk pace, confidence and complete focus. I failed to notice him, so he sent a female lieutenant to feel me out and casually ask about my relationship status. Another lieutenant put us together on a work project. Let the lovebombing and future faking commence.

  30. I’ve had several narcs. The craziest meet-cute of them all was when my house was actually on fire and he was a responding firefighter. Several months later he showed up in a dating app and messaged me, remembering me from the event. I thought he would be a stand up guy based on his profession. He turned out to be a sick, twisted, racist narcissist.

  31. I am the receptionist at an assisted living facility. He works for Apria, which delivers medical equipment. He swooped in and the first thing I noticed was his British accent (I am SUCH a sucker for a British accent) I asked him if he was married and he said “no” to which I replied “do you want to be?” I said this while laughing. I told him I could listen to him talk all day long because of that accent. (I would have fell on my back and spread my legs right then and there. I know, what can I say?!) We talked about this and that I I said I had been wanting to paint my bedroom for the past 3 years and he said “I’ll do it. I’m a great painter” I gave him my personal card that had my address and phone number on it. The next time he showed up he came when I was about to leave work. We walked out the front door together and he said “would you like to get together this Friday?” I didn’t think twice. He came over and when he got here I found out he was married. I told him “we can’t do this. That dick belongs to your wife to which he replied. . . “no it doesn’t, it belongs to ME!” We went to my computer and he showed me on Google Earth where he was born and lived and he had fantastic stories to tell about all the places he had been. He loves to travel. He’s been everywhere. (even where I was born, in Flint, Michigan. . . really?!) I tried to push him away, telling him we were above this and it wasn’t right because he was married. He just kept texting and coming around and before you knew it, I was hooked. I didn’t give in to sex for several weeks but when I finally did, I was a goner. He was BIG, the best kisser I have ever kissed, and I have kissed a lot of men (hey, I grew up in the ’70’s) and after 23 years of being married to a milk-toast, small in size and imagination man, I thought I had struck gold. I loved that he just took what he wanted. The way the picked me up and put me on the kitchen counter and took me, bent me over, tied me up! Everything was amazing. . . until it wasn’t. I went back at least 7 times until I saw an article on Facebook about “how to know you’re dating a sociopath”. It was like I had finally found my sanity and my answers. It was like a kick in the stomach but at least I had answers. THIS site, HG, has done more for me than you’ll ever know. When I read your books I can’t believe the things you have done to another living soul. It just crushes my heart. But then you give us all what we need to know to keep it from happening again, and for that, you truly are a Prince, and I thank you.

    1. Hi RS…this sounds a lot like what hooked me to my narc…excitement and spontanaity. The sex too altho that isnt the only reason. He listens to me and can be attentive but on the flipside can be mean, deceitful and play mind games.

      1. Yes! He also did such horrible things to me also. I wanted to die and spent days living like a ghost. I didn’t even remember getting ready for work or even being at work. I just wasn’t there. Then he would pop up from out of the blue and I would dance around, be excited and happy telling myself THIS time I will do everything perfect. THIS time, he will stay. It never happens.

      2. RS
        This is not directed at you specifically but your post raised something again with me that I have noticed in others.

        I keep noticing a pattern in the Empaths thinking and language. For example: “This time I will do everything perfect” and “This time he will stay”. If the Empath could just start simply with changing the language and internal dialogue subtly to put the onus on the other party. Even if it is destined to fail (hoover) if the thinking were: This time he will not fail me, or, or this time he will earn the right to stay, it would put the onus of failure on them (where it should be). If shifting the thinking and language is practiced to not take all of the burden on yourself then the failure of the relationship would still have effect but not be as devastating on your own psyche. He failed you-not the other way around. Not saying thats easy-but being aware and practicing expressing your expectations to be met, has to better than repeatedly trying and failing to meet someone elses.

        Just a thought.

      3. NarcAngel
        That’s very true! It always tears at me to hear someone say those things and feel the pain that type of thinking can do to your self esteem. It makes a big difference how you look at it!
        I don’t remember exactly when my own thinking changed that way, but it was transformational.
        Recognizing that you are doing your part and the narc is responsible to do his is a way of taking your own power back and maintaining your own self-esteem.

  32. I have actually been involved romantically with 2 narcissists. The first i met throuh a friend of mine. The relationship lasted close to a year. The love bombing stage was incredible. ..flowers, gifts, attention, fantastic sex, etc…and once we decided to live together, he cheated. I forgave it (mistake) and it was 6 weeks after I left my apartment and lost money on the broken lease. 3 weeks after that he told me he wasn’t in love with me and told me to move out. Before I had gotten my things from his place he had already had another woman lined up to date (his ex wife lol) which lasted all but 3 months. He needed a new supply source and she fit the bill.
    The second narcissist was my boss. I found him quite intriguing. He was very confident and loved by all his staff. I had a crush on him the entire time I worked for him, and he knew it, but he made it clear he didn’t “play where he worked.” A while after I left the workplace we met one night for drinks and began dating exclusively a few months thereafter . We were in a relationship for 5 years, and got engaged after 3.5 years. That marked the devaluation stage.The last year and a half I felt “taken for granted ” until my aunt told me he was a narcissist. I began reading a lot of articles and consulting with a friend who was a psychologist. She told me that if what I told her was true, then he showed ALL criteria of being narcissistic. Once I began calling out on his flaws, he began the discard stage.
    I now see all three stages with both. Hind sight is 20/20. And now that I know the symptoms and signs, I’ll hopefully be able to recognize them in future relationships. That is, if I ever get involved romantically ever again! But one thing is for sure! Knowing what I know now has helped so very much with closure with both breakups because I now know that I fell in love with an imaginary person, a person that doesn’t really exist, and that both men could not help or control their actions.

  33. At a work social function. The moment I laid eyes on him the hairs went up on the back of my neck. At the end of the evening he made a bee-line for me, that was the beginning of 10 years of hell. If only I’d listened to my gut 🙁

    1. I should’ve listened to my gut and my friends also. My friends all thought he was creepy. I had gone many months without sex and he had me there.

  34. We had mutual friends but weren’t friends. I remember teasing her early on that in all the years we’d been at the same events she’d never said more than hello how are you to me.

    Somehow we became Facebook friends I really can’t remember when or who requested but I do know I sent her a message one night out of boredom and that was it. She asked me out and three months later I was “the one”.

  35. Met thru a sports club. I was attracted to him but i wasnt able to ignore the “icky” feeling whenever he was around me. I made the mistake of showing defiance by openly challenging him, and after that he became a little obsessive.

    “oh wow.. a straight girl who doesnt fall at my feet begging for my attention?? I think i may have found the human version of a unicorn!!!”

    He stared incessantly and I ignored him, hoping he would leave me alone, but that only made things worse.

    thankfully i listened to my intuition and refused to yield to him or play his games. Made my escape and went NC. I actually think he was toxic to me on a cellular level. That small taste was enough for me, cant imagine the kind of arsehole he’d be if i had gone out with him! 😮

    SUPER EMPATH FTW 😀😀 lol

  36. He was my boss. We ran a group together and he became flirty at a work get together one night just after I left my husband. Because he was my boss and I was going through a divorce, we were “secret” although we did go out in public all the time. Once my divorce went through, I could feel him pulling away. Then as he was promoted to a new job (same company, different division so no longer my boss) he ended the formal relationship (2 years). We had two more years of continuing to see each other informally (1-2x/week and daily texts multiple times per day) when I finally stated that I needed more, that was when he informed me he was with someone else. He attempted to see me again so I informed her of our ongoing relationship. She then contacted me and told me she was moving in with him although she was aware that there was myself and at least 5 other women that she had been in contact with that he had been cheating on her with. She stated that he tells all the women that he loves them but that he doesn’t, that it’s only going to be her. He continued to try to make plans with me so I informed her again (by making copies of his texts) and I have not heard from him since (8/2016).

  37. I went with my Daughter In Law to pick up my Son after work, from the pub. He was with his Boss….the tHiNg…

    Come in spinner……

  38. Work and then become romantic from my side only I’m guessing now. Took him 2 years of trying I should’ve think it’s strange

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