I Want

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What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides you. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

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155 thoughts on “I Want”

  1. HG
    Again looking for clarification. I read something you wrote that said when the narc is in the 6th sphere the prey is a passing thought, so to speak, the thought goes away as quickly as it came when there is nc, lapsed time and no fuel gained. So the question is, when the narc is in that frame of mind do they still want the prey to pay the price? Is the narc on an ever ending journey to infiltrate even in the 6th sphere? Noted above it says “I want to know where you are, all the time. “I will not stop. I’m unstoppable”
    Amv

    1. If you are the subject of a malice obsession, you will keep appearing in the sixth sphere and therefore not be a passing thought but rather causing repeated Hoover Triggers which may lead to malign hoovers if the Hoover Execution Criteria are met.

  2. Hi HG
    Clarity please. Why do you want “us” to pray for “your” salvation? In my logic praying for someone’s salvation is praying in Jesus’s name to release them from the hand of Satan. Which God can do, however, one has ask this from himself and bow to God’s mercy to be released from sin and not use false words. In “your” logic you bow to no one. False words are all that is spoken. Thus not attained. Is the battle in the narcs head to be released from the wounds so long ago?

    AMV

  3. There were some things my online narc did that resonate with the malevolent nature of the greater. He def was good at creating a hope just to smash it. Anytime he said something sweet or indicated he had real feelings for me, I learned that a mind-fuck was coming.

    HG, a few times he started arguments out of thin air, and I’d try to be objective, but when I finally started back at him, often telling him I felt manipulated…. He would send me a pic of his erection. It’s like he actually was turned on by my responding to his manufactured upset. Is that indicative of a greater?

  4. There were some things my online narc did that resonate with the malevolent nature of the greater. He def was good at creating a hope just to smash it. Anytime he said something sweet or indicated he had real feelings for me, I learned that a mind-fuck was coming.

    HG, a few times he started arguments out of thin air, and I’d try to be objective, but when I finally started back at him, often telling him I felt manipulated…. He would send me a pic of his erection. It’s like he actually was turned on by my responding to his manufactured upset. Is that indicative of a greater?

      1. Make Love to mean sexual intercourse didn’t enter the English language until the mid 20th C. Prior to that, making love meant faire l’amour, from the French phrase meaning you had a romantic affection for someone. DH Lawrence had it right in Lady Chatterely’s Lover. The Game Keeper never said he wanted to make love to Lady Chatterely, he used the word “fuck”, which, although vulgar, is an honest expression particularly in regards to narcs, because as we all know narcs don’t/can’t love they do literally just fuck.

      2. Thanks Scout.

        That’s interesting. Appreciate the history lesson.
        Yes all just fucking whichever way is couched.

        Narcs sure get a kick out of sexual manipulation – they feel they have the power when they make the victim come, like to see that, and also pushing boundaries.

        Wonder how they would feel if someone faked it.

  5. HG. My trust issues and touch issues with the exception of holding hands, would have you ditching me in short order. You really wouldn’t “want” me in the first place. See ya.

    1. Ah but dear 1jaded1 if the Prime Aims are to be fulfilled I see a challenge in the making.

      1. Yeah, I don’t see that as a deterrent for you if you see residual benefits and a reservoir of untapped fuel beneath the surface. Game on for HG.

  6. You’re not a stranger to me
    And you are something to see
    You don’t even know how to please
    You say a lot but you’re unaware how to leave
    My darling lives in a world that is not mine
    An old child misunderstood out of time
    Timeless is the creature who is wise
    And timeless is the prisoner in disguise
    Oh who is the beauty who the beast
    Would you die of grieving when I leave
    Two children too blind to see
    I would fall in your shadow I believe
    My love is a man who’s not been tamed
    Oh my love lives in a world of false pleasure and pain
    We come from difference worlds we are the same my love
    I never doubted your beauty I’ve changed
    I never doubted your beauty I’ve changed
    Changed who is the beauty
    Where is my beast (my love)
    There is no beauty
    Without my beast (my love)
    Who is the beauty
    Who my love
    Ah
    Oh la bete la bete
    Where is my beast
    My beauty my beauty
    My beautiful beautiful beautiful
    Beautiful beast

      1. AH OH You’re right~
        Stevie Nicks does a beautiful job singing about the narcissistic relationship through the Codependent lens..At least this is what it says to me. ♡

    1. Jody Allen, thanks for posting the Stevie Lyrics! I’ve loved Stevie since I was a kid and knew this song, but never understood much about what it meant before. Wow!!!

      Does she have any others that are or could be about narc relationships?

      1. Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
        That’s all right- Coz i like the way it hurts
        Just gonna stand there and see me cry
        That’s all right- Coz I love the way you lie
        I love the way you lie
        – Rhianna/Eminem

        Codependency to the umpth degree…
        Hurt me, I love it. It validates me, I can take it, I will take it, I want it..and all the while I’ll give you what you want and need.
        There may be something wrong with you, but there is something wrong with me too
        and together we will dance a dance that no one else understands
        Let’s destroy eachother, but please, destroy me more because
        Masochism is my favorite tool
        Jody Allen/Narc

  7. “I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.”

    This is a very well written and executed article, Mr.Tudor, and vastly sums up my life for the last 2 months.

    I think the IGH I feared finally happened last night, but, please correct me if I’m wrong.
    It started off in the morning with a nice simple little text from him. Something new for him since I escaped. So, of course love for him and my sick sense of curiosity got the better of me.
    The niceties continued on all throughout the day, until he asked me where I was currently staying, (another story for another time)and then the switch came on. The accusations and jealousy, and dripping sarcasm.
    When I called him out on it and asked him to stop, he suddenly changed tactics and was nice again. Of course, “nice” with him always involves passive/aggressive behavior, so I just chose to stroke that very wounded ego of his with reassurance and love, ignoring the little snips at me.
    He monopolized all of my time spent with family, sent me pictures, told me he wanted me to come home, told me he loved and me, so of course I went along with it. He was feeding me all of the sweets he had taken away for the last 8 weeks.
    He involved my Son-in-Law again..but only to obtain and verify the information that I had already told him (this time they didn’t tag team me) Then suddenly my phone rang. He was finally calling me!
    Love and adoration poured forth along with some sex talk. Talk of me coming home and the things he wanted to go do, places we were going to go…then just as soon that was gone. Replaced with snarky words, and hostile insults.
    “Are you still fat?” “Can you still not cook?”
    “I don’t want you here because you are a dick”
    Then the sword through the heart
    “I love you and I want you to come home. But I don’t want you to live in my home. Do you know why, Jody? Because you left me”.
    I won’t go on about the rest of the conversation, but I will say this: I am glad this happened. I am glad he was his usual charming self. I’m glad I endured and played the game to the end. I actually feel much better. If this was the IGH, then I can get through most anything he throws my way. Or maybe perhaps he will leave me alone for awhile.

    1. Hi jody…wow the things he said to you were awful!! Its good he let his mask slip so it could remind you what youd be going back to. Still im sorry you had to see that again. Its very upsetting and disappointing. You know itll never change and that in itself is a gift. He did you a favor by showing you behind the mask. Best of luck ❤

      1. Good Morning Narc Angel,

        Thank you, so much, for your words of encouragement.

        You’re right about the mask, however, I have seen beneath it many times before and he’s not very inventive about the insults he throws at me. They do not hurt me anymore.

        But they Do reveal the incredible insult I caused him when I left.

        I really am glad this happened. I’ve been dreading it and getting myself worked up about it for a few weeks and so when it did,
        A few more of my chains fell to the floor.

        He is helping me to further escape and clearly isn’t aware of how helpful he is being. Otherwise, he wouldn’t bother with any of this. But, I know that he cannot help it, and I know that he needs the last word. Like everything in his routine, he is like clockwork.

        I’m not mad at him, I can only pity him and the beast that lies beneath.

        ♡♡♡

    2. Now that youve seen, you cannot unsee, plead ignorance, or doubt his sickness and intention to hurt you. Your last lines imply that you hope he will leave you alone, but if he does not that you “can get through anything he throws my way”. That is great resolve. You can also bolster that and begin to take back your power by determining for yourself that he will leave you alone because you will not allow him to reach you again, not because he decides to leave you alone. Its a subtle shift in thinking but powerful:

      He will no longer bother you because he no longer does the deciding. You have decided not to allow it.

      Thats your power. Take it.

  8. I get to the part “I want you to realize I am unstoppable”

    A force of nature is what my very next thought was.

    In the aftermath of destruction, is a chance to heal and beauty to grow!

  9. “I want you to never know the truth.”

    I was thinking this morning how good had been for me to stay away from my narcs but how there was always a part of me who felt like someone who has lost a loved one whose body had never been found. Seems they cannot have closure because there is always the doubt (maybe he/she is still alive). HG, metaphorically speaking, you have shown me the dead body and I thank you for it.

  10. As a bruja, these are the exact words I put into his curse. No guilt, may the spirits take it it off my hands and eat him alive.

    I laugh hearing this. As I sit in my new ocean side home, enjoying the dating scene, supported by my friends and family, knowing I will face him in court next month after calling the police on him and bury him there.

    He unleashed the supernova, and can’t say he wasn’t warned nor given the opportunity to do right.

    You made your bed my old love, now it’s time to lie in it.

    You unleashed my inner narc, and I’m stronger than you will ever be.

    So watch me ignoring you, watch me dating and enjoying my life while you twist yourself into a dark little knot.

    Remember how I punched you in the face the last time you threatened me? The look in your face, the shock.. It was gold.

    You got two years until I reached my limit. The moment you threatened my children was the moment I knew you were a pathetic small man. It was also the moment you gave me permission to destroy you.

    Enjoy that bed.

  11. You dont want to much do you? Only to destroy. You want to destroy like youve been destroyed but you can want all you want you cant have! Go have your own fake persona you cant destroy if we wont let you. Your power lies within us as your victim and we can take it away.
    Its time for us as empaths to want…i want you to stop being an asshole. I want you to think of my needs instead of your own. I want you to stop playing mind games. I want you to let your defenses down. I want you to actually care about me like ive cared about you. I want to know i matter and it wasnt all an act. I want to know why youve changed so much. I want you to feel rejection like the times youve made me feel that way. I want you to kiss my ass and apologise for each shitty thing youve down to me over the years. I want you to burn with envy. I want you to feel the pain of loss. I want you to be insecure. I want you to feel jealousy. I want you to feel regret. I want you to feel intensely lonely. I want you to stop taking me for granted. I want you to let me go!

      1. Ty scout…so often i think empaths put their wants on the backburner so the narcissists wants are met this is why narcs are drawn to us. We sacrifice ourselves. I watched a video recently that really resonated about anger. Basically this lady said anger is what helped her get thru her abusive relationship and move on without the narc. I never considered myself an angry person but upon reflection i do have a lot of pent up anger and its bc ive put my wants aside many times for the narc. When hes shelved me my wants meant nothing to him. As time goes on im reaching for some of that anger to motivate me to look after what “i want”. Empaths think theyre selfish for looking after their needs and wants and brainwashed and conditioned into thinking its wrong to have our needs met but it isnt.
        Upon learning about narcissism thru a lot of it ive felt sympathy for the narcissists in my life and i still do but my needs matter too and with the narc theyre not being met.

      2. In situations like this anger is very much part of the healing process, so I understand where you are coming from. Whilst anger can be a destructive and negative force in ordinary situations we need it. I know I do. It’s got me through the last 5 months but I’m looking forward to moving on and healing.
        On and up NA. 😌

    1. Narc affair:Yes to all this!!! ( not trying to personally attack HG, as he is delivering us the truth) Truth is sadly, they won’t and can’t. In their twisted way of thinking we got what we deserved because we failed them in some way shape or form. In their minds they were done wrong by us.It’s a them thing:(

  12. >>>>I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down<<<<<

    My future (faked) and dreams crushed, I was crushed, chewed up and shit out… but he went on with the dream, without me. My punishment for all my wrong doings, yes the heavy dead weight pins me down…. crushed dreams, future faked and dead, can't wake up and feel…. just dead weight…

    1. Hi c ☆…so many feel what youre feeling. It really hurts and i think only time can heal it. Im sorry youre going thru this i can fully relate!

  13. Star: I have been no contact for 9 months and think I have heard the last of him. Thanks for the heads-up. If he ever shows up at my door I will quietly close the door in his face. Thank you HG! You have taught us all well.

  14. He is losing control and my memory of all the “good feelings” are fading fast. All we really had was sex. The minute he walked in the door, we tore each others clothes off. Then he would say “I hate to love you and leave you but. . . ” After reading HG’s book “Sex and the Narcissist” I have discovered we didn’t even have that. HG said that “We derive some physical stimulation from engaging in sex acts with you but the reality is that we are just masturbating with your body parts.” Any good feelings I had for him are gone.

    1. RS, I can underline what HG said. My narc said: “If men would be honest, then they would admit, that masturbation is better than sex with a woman.” I asked him : “And why do men pay such an amount of money for sex with a prostitute? It could be much cheaper for them then.” He did not know what to answer. HG says that narcissists often go to a prostitute, because of control and the quick joy here and there. In that case my narc felt too superior for paying for sex. He always said: “Women have to come to me and ask for sex.” And at last : He was in love with my hips. That`s all.

      1. Men do not pay money for sex with a prostitute.

        They pay the money so she fucks off straight away afterwards.

      2. “… so she fucks off straight away afterwards.”

        Is that how you feel about your ipps/ipss, too?

      3. Has there ever been anyone during seduction who was quick to leave when finished and not interested in cuddling or talking or another round? Just kind of left you hanging? Would that challenge you or wound you if it when it did happen?

      4. No. If they upped and tried to leave without me wanting them to, yes that would wound.

      5. I think I shall stay happily single and forget about men altogether. Most of them are cruel.

      6. RS
        Coming to the same conclusion as you.
        Better to be single than suffer. I think they only care about getting what they want and even non narcs pretend just to get what they want from you.

        One I feel like I’m getting over Narchole, thr next day I’m plumbing the depths.

        The hardest past is getting over the addiction.

      7. “They don’t get paid.”

        I know. I should have worded that more precisely.

        What I meant was: do you generally feel this way when you are with your intimate partners, that you’d want them to leave afterwards?

        (As always, if that’s too personal a question, no need to answer, and I know you wouldn’t anyway)

      8. I assume what you are really trying to ask Matilda is,
        “When I have sex with an IPPS or IPSS do I want them to leave after we have had sex?”

        The answer is no. Whether it is seduction, hoover or devaluation, if I want to go, I will go. If I want them to go, I will tell them (or make the leave). If I do not do either of those things, I want them to remain as there remains a further benefit (or benefits) to obtain by their continued presence.

      9. Let’s be brutally honest. Narcs don’t need to pay us to treat us as prostitutes. We give them what they want for free as we’re deluded into thinking they love us. All those discards, all those make ups… Society may dislike prostitutes and judge them to be immoral, but at least they know they are being used and they get paid, in that sense, prostitutes have a value. We, on the other hand, are valueless; discarded and unpaid. Double insult.

      10. Apparently greater narcs walk off without paying for anything. They grab and go.

      11. HG – have you had sex with prostitute/s? How many times in your life time?

      12. “I assume what you are really trying to ask Matilda is,…”

        Yes, that’s what I was trying to ask, HG. Thank you for answering, your directness is appreciated.

      13. I’ve read that now for the second time and still don’t believe my eyes, HG: “ultimately everybody ends up paying somehow.” Did you just say, that NARCS end up paying for something??

      14. HG, what do you get out of sex with a prostitute that you wouldn’t get out of a IPPS or IPSS?

      15. HG
        Peace and quiet when she fucks off afterwards.

        Funny. I dont know why more people cant appreciate that kind of honesty over a lie. Truly.

        Question if you care to answer re: prostitutes
        When you engage with them, for the most part are they treated to your expertise in seduction or demeaned and controlled during the acts in the time you are with them?

      16. There is no need to seduce NA, that part is achieved by virtue of the professional engagement.

      17. HG
        Understood. I should have worded that differently since its a professional engagement but I get the picture. Thank you.

      18. so then what if your IPPS or IPSS is asexual? thats a fuck off too…cuz we don’t care about sex really, and saves you some 💶 too??? and no fuel from prostitute.. so makes no sense… does it???? please elaborate away, HG…

      19. C*
        With the prostitutes may be it’s about control -they’re being paid so they have to perform whatever degrading act rerequested.

      20. I tend to agree with you ANK. From HG’s mightily disdainful answer reflecting how much contempt and mistrust he has with women in general, I venture to guess prostitutes are used by him when he is specifically looking for a type of fix involving serious degradation. (Or he’s away for an extended time on a work trip but that seems a stretch too. He can just watch porn and tend to himself). He seems to have it readily available through multiple sources whether primary or secondary. But I also wonder if they are used shortly after an unpleasant run-in with MatriNarc or something else triggers a feeling of shame within him, especially from childhood and the best way to deal is make someone else feel it more.

      21. I see the therapy is helping. /sarc. I think I know whixh book I am ordering next.

        PS. Don’t catch any diseases. Ick..

    2. RS,
      Yes it’s just sex, but they lovebomb to disguise it.
      It becomes obvious after the golden period ends and they have another supply. They were ‘making love’ to you in the golden period. Once the new supply is bedded in, literally, they are just fucking you, and making love to her.

      1. According to HG, they NEVER “make love” to you. It’s all about fuel and nothing else.

      2. Came to realise that RS after coming across HG’s site. Sex and the Narcissist was the first book of his I bought.

        Narchole disguised his need to get me into bed by saying he wanted to make sweet gentle love to me. Said he adored me, that I was gorgeous blah blah blah.

        As soon as I found out about the new supply, all of that dissappeared. He was off course saying that to her instead.

        Same words different woman. Bastard.

      3. Yes, it’s all smoke and mirrors with them and most non-narc’s as well. Like I said, happily single.

      4. For one, if any man said he wanted to “Make Love” to me, I would die laughing and see through that bs! Who believes that? I cannot possibly be the only one who doesn’t equate sex with love? (H G. excluded in that question since we all know the answer)
        It’s all fun & games until the only thing he wants from you anymore is a BJ. While I enjoy this far more than most women I know..it became routine & boring.
        So, I would give my porn star performance, then tell him the shiny new apparatus he bought for me was a far more attentive lover and longer lasting … he don’t like to hear that.Even knowing what I am doesn’t make me a complete doormat and I know how to get someone where it “hurts”.Just throwing that out there 🙂

      5. Joy Allen,

        There are many women out there that do equate sex and love. May be it’s all romanticised in their heads. Some can just have sex without the love part coming into it. There are lots of things that will influence the ties between love and sex, or not as the case may be, for women.

        The Narc of course is clever in working out whether his target sees sex in a romantic way and will then use the appropriate form of words. Making love sounds nicer than I want to fuck you. Especially if it comes after more than a year of meeting up and during that time the victim fell for him and he future faked. The Narc bided his time and new just how to lovebomb and worm is way in.

        Interesting to know that he bought you a toy. Narchole bought me one too. Will have to take the lead from you and tell him it does a better job. If I get that chance.

        When you say ‘even knowing what I am’ what do you mean?

      6. 🙂 Ank!

        It will work…trust me..
        And I agree that more and more women are coming to the realization that we do not have to engage in sex for “love” or babies.
        To Me:
        “I want to fuck you” sounds so much more thrilling and delivers more promise than:
        “I want to make love to you”
        But, hey, that may just be me.
        You are right that each woman/man is different when it comes to love, sex and seduction. And while each of us has those certain things that turn us on that is exploited by the Narcissistic during seduction and then used against us during devaluation- sex was the one area where he could not beat me.
        As wonderful as he was in the beginning he became a greedy pig in the end and I have no time for that. The only area of our life where he knew he could not mess with my head was in the bedroom, probably because to me sex is sex and love is love…2 separate entities. Perhaps I feel that way because of my own baggage..?
        Of course everywhere else in our lives he devastated and ruined me.. and I am working hard to come out of that abyss.
        I will let you know more after my consultation.
        Hugs to you~

      7. Jody Allen,

        Thank you.

        I agree that saying I want to fuck you can be a turn on. It’s speaks to raw passion/lust. And yes it can feel sexy and flattering. When it’s all good, mixing it up is all part and parcel of the relationship for me.

        We do all have our baggage and I’m sure that does affect how we view love and sex.

        You have a lot of strength Jody Allen. 😘

  15. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qjb2mKCD2iA

    Screaming on the inside
    I am frail and withered
    Cover up the wounds
    That I can’t hide
    Walls that lie between us
    The saint within the sinner
    I have lost the nerve
    But it’s all right
    Carry the wounded and shut your eyes
    All will be forgiven
    None will rise
    Bury the fallen and lead the blind
    I will find the lost
    Dead inside

    Into the nothing
    Faded and weary
    I won’t leave and let you fall behind
    Live for the dying
    Heaven hear me
    I know we can make it out alive

    Leave me at the bottom
    I am lost forever
    Letters from the dead
    Say goodbye
    Sorrow falls upon us
    This will be the last time
    Days begin to end
    But I’ll get by
    Follow the hopeless
    And shut your eyes

    All will be abandoned
    None will shine
    Gather the broken and leave this life
    Lying in the earth
    Side by side

      1. Drag Bingo eh? I’m so down. I’m in a less serious mood today lol.

    1. I would say because he is kind of an alpha male and, biologically speaking, it is “normal” to be attracted to him.
      Also, he is acting as your “savior” in some ways, another trait a lot of females like.
      Stay rational, don’t let biology take over … LOL

  16. Why do you want such things ?
    Why are you this way ?
    Do you plan to try and stop what you do ?

  17. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qrRzNidzIc

    Now the dark begins to rise
    Save your breath, it’s far from over
    Leave the lost and dead behind
    Now’s your chance to run for cover
    I don’t wanna change the world
    I just wanna leave it colder
    Light the fuse and burn it up
    Take the path that leads to nowhere
    All is lost again
    But I’m not giving in

    I will not bow
    I will not break
    I will shut the world away
    I will not fall
    I will not fade
    I will take your breath away

    Fall

    Watch the end through dying eyes
    Now the dark is taking over
    Show me where forever dies
    Take the fall and run to Heaven
    All is lost again
    But I’m not giving in
    I will not bow
    I will not break
    I will shut the world away
    I will not fall
    I will not fade
    I will take your breath away
    And I’ll survive, paranoid
    I have lost the will to change
    And I’m not proud, cold-blooded fake
    I will shut the world away

  18. Actually Scout it’s funny how you say, I feel like You’re plaguing his thoughts. I had the same off kilter feeling as well as a bunch of odd coincidences that kind of linked me to him. Some I realize were probobly partly mild hoovers on his part, but sometimes I wonder if somehow empathy and narcissists are energetically linked in some way. I still feel the hair stand up on my neck… and I know without a doubt that I am in his thoughts. Sounds crazy but proven to be true. Scary stuff!

      1. Hi Scout. Lol sorry I kind of wrote that in a hurry. I’m speaking from my experience, tho I have read something along the lines of there being psychic bonds between empathy and narcissists. A sort of energetic link. Someone I know actually went to get a psychic “bond cutting of cords” because she felt her ex was still energetically draining her.it was pretty interesting. I do feel we are all linked engetically, maybe that is why empathy can feel so deeply and sense things:)

      2. Hi star…your post has me interested in researching psychic bonds and i do know they exist bc ive experienced it firsthand with both narcs! The first narc everytime id think of him hed contact me. I told him about this and he poked fun at it saying we were siamese twins but it was very real. I never did see his name in my coffee tho lol The other narc same thing. When i really have him on my mind intently he will do something that surprises me in conjunction with my thoughts. It sounds hocus pocus but i do think theres something to it. I think many empaths are hsp(highly sensitive people) and maybe have more of a psychic sense other people dont tap into. This kind of thing has also happened with my mum and a close friend of mind during times of deep stress theyll call me. Its hard to explain or prove but i have experienced this type of bond.

      3. Hi Star. Empaths certainly do feel deeply. Some peeps are described as hyper sensitive of themselves and their environment, they are highly tuned to others, I believe. Tbh, I’ve no idea if Narcy is thinking about me, in fact I doubt it very much. I know he’s sniffing around a possible new supply that’s moved into the area.

  19. HG, why do you want to let a washing machine feel your hate? She is only an object. Did you forget? We are only objects to fulfill a function. I just see you sitting in front of “Alexa” of amazon and trying to impress her. Alexa is an object, an appliance. She does not feel, but she will answer all your questions. Toxic logic,

  20. Of course, you want that we lose control. That underlines your opinion that everyone can be broken, like you have been a long time ago. That will mitigate your own shame about it. Even very strong persons can be broken, if your kind uses the right treatment. And your kind needs an evidence for that, again and again.It is not only about the negative fuel you can draw out of us. It is about your shame. It is about you. Sorry to say that, but I believe there is some truth in my words. And if there was some truth in my words, you would never admit that. After you have broken our resistance, you can identify with your own aggressor and feel powerful. Then you change your mind and think, we are weak. And weakness is something, that your kind does not like.

  21. I’m never leaving now my safe , delusional bubble I live in . Not even a toe outside , just incase . You really are not a nice person HG !

  22. As I justify my silence, I get a message today saying he is coming to town – not sure when, why or how as this is obviously not part of said communique – keep them guessing huh? Once you figure out the pattern, you can actually amuse yourself by what is coming next.

    Two weeks of no contact… Hoover hoover…

    As per HG’s words “I want you to hide so I can come find you”… timely. LOL…

    1. Yes, NRG, there are times I’m pulling my hair out and times when I’m laughing at his behaviour when I bump into him….
      Have to say, 2 weeks NC and hoovering you already? My narc hasn’t tried once in 5 months. Must be dead happy with his new fluff. Chuffed to bits for him.

      1. Scout – This is the first time I have truly gone NC. He has sent me a couple of cryptic pictures (Day 2 and Day 7) and I have not responded. Now, he is coming to town. He has done this before. If I were respond now, he would go silent after I “reluctantly” agree to meet (“it’s only a drink..”) and in a few weeks when the time is appropriate he would say that he didn’t really make it to town (“sorry, were you expecting me? The trip was cancelled”). In the meantime, would wonder what the hell happened to him. The patterns change slightly, but if you pay enough attention, you can figure them out. It amuses me to think he is looking for fuel ( I have to find amusement somewhere when dealing with this crap). I am certain I will get a simple text with a “?” next.

      2. Just a warning Scout, don’t get too comfortable. My ex disappeared for a year and a half. To the point where his friends were asking me where he went. When he finally decided to Hoover again… let’s just say he did with a bang, and it almost threw me for a loop. But I realize that I am at zero impact now. HG has been a wonderful mentor

      3. Thanks for the warning Star. I remain vigilant. I swear I can sense his thinking about me as in I plague his thoughts, but I know that’s wishful thinking… Ha ha. The only thing that is certain is narcs are predictably unpredictable. Take care Star.

    2. When theyve been missing for a long time and pop up to ask to meet then dont show to me thats just to see if youd say yes to reassure the narc youre still hooked and in their reachables. They hate losing sources yet dont want to invest in them unless they have to.

  23. The first time I read this brutal piece I nearly had a panic attack. This time I feel so grateful to understand your dark mindset.

      1. Very much so. I feel so lucky to have found you Mr. Tudor! I spread the word repeatedly even though I get attacked for it at times, including today (by a “counselor” no less). This knowledge is so very empowering. THANK YOU! I really am finally seizing the power !

  24. HG,
    Why must we pay for the sins of another? I was good and innocent and kind. You were once too. We could continue to walk through life uneffected by others or we could be vulnerable. That’s not the only choice. Our measure of protection is out of proportion. In all or nothing thinking we fear to strip ourselves of the bad traits of our parents. The ones that gave them power. We just need to strip off the ones that hinder feeling. Keep the valuable traits. Balance the traits out. We have conquered a million adversities. We continue to survive and come out on top. We lead, we teach, we accomplish. That is us. That is our identity. We are all of our qualities. We don’t have to block everyone to succeed. We already have. We can let them in. We don’t have to lose control to do so. We share control. We are stronger together, not alone and sitting on top. It’s still working for you, it’s not for me. I chose to tear it apart and examine it. It is a rough road, but in the end I will be the best version of me that I could ever be. I no longer need to break people to prove something. I wish you didn’t. I want you to be the best version of you. Yes I know, you think you already are.

      1. Yes, wanting one such as HG to realize he can be “normal” if only they would realize they can. It is, at times, most difficult to think that they can not stop the behavior. People like you and me, we are wired to be able to change.
        I will never forget when Jeffery Dahmer said that he knew what he did was wrong but he would still do it because he could not stop himself.

      2. Thx. I think time spent with the good doctors could promote behavior modification. Not him being normal but say examining cognitive dissonance and recognizing when he is looking at things in, for example, an all or nothing way. Once he learns that this is where he needs to reexamine the situation to look at it in a more balanced view, he may choose differently. What is the point of therapy if not to teach ones to look at things differently and modify behavior? I agree that some people will not stop their behavior. I do think though that there are some that will. Otherwise therapy would be pointless. I expressed the desire for him to modify his behavior but also clearly noted that he believes he is already the best version of himself so in other words no behavior modification is necessary according to him. Which I am cool with.

      3. ABB, I believe HG does learn from his Good Doctors. He is learning to sharpen his tools for his benefit. I do believe as he gathers wisdom and time on earth, his machinations will lessen. He will not need to gather the fuel in this manner. I am sure if he could do one thing, it would be not to have to depend on others for this fulfillment of fuel. Be free of the prison of dependence. This is only my opinion. This would be my goal. Whatever his journey, he will
        do whatever it is as he sees fit.

        It is odd to most I know but HG has helped me in many ways. I know he has helped many others too. It is no wonder that many only want HG to be “normal”.

      1. Omg lol thank you for that laugh, HG!

        I’m eager to read what goes through a mid-ranger’s mind as well.

  25. How timely. This afternoon I ‘ve been in tears, the first time since I walked out 5 months ago. I now have an overwhelming desire to punch the living daylights out of him to absolve my pain and inflict pain on him. Then I read this blog and reversed the roles; all you’ve written HG is what I want for him. I presently feel ridiculously euphoric… Why? Am I going mad?? Is there a bright spark that can relate or evaluate why I feel this way? Comedic, serious replies welcomed.

    1. Also want to point out that your kind wanting us to want you under your own twisted, version of ‘love’, is the immature love experienced by lustful young teenagers that are trapped and confused by their hormones and their misunderstand of what lies behind true, healthy love-bonding.

    2. It is the manifestation of your emotional thinking that is causing you to want to lash out and effect some kind of justice, in accordance with the decency trait which runs through you. It is telling you that it is only right and proper that he suffers as you have done so and in some respects, that is correct, however if you approached it in this way, you would feel better for a short time and then you would experience the repercussions of not only having broken no contact but by challenging his notion of superiority and in a way which open you up for malign responses.

      1. Aye, you’re right but then you already know that…. Thanks for your reply, Henry.

    3. Scout I felt exactly the same today wished him All the worse the feeling of anger sadness anxiety and more. Was very close to send him horrible msg for getting in touch yesterday and leave me in pieces agan! But then I thought he will probably enjoy my anger frustration and sadness and reply in nasty manner like HG said. So i went to the gym and sweat my anger out… for now. Is there any way to get over them? I hope so . Stay strong 💪

      1. Hi Missy, they are maddening creatures that’s for sure, especially as we are doing our best to move on and up which they try to prevent. I have heard of a few women who moved on from NPD relationships and found true love. That tells me there’s real hope when so often it’s an empty word.
        Glad you went to the gym instead messaging him. I’ve spent all afternoon clearing out to avoid paying him a visit. Thanks for replying. Stay strong too.

      2. Missy,

        The only way to get over them is no contact and not to think of them at all.

        So much easier said than done. That’s the struggle I have – trying to not think about him, trying not to have imaginary conversations, trying not wonder if he’s texting her all day.

        Daft!

    4. Scout,

      I have those feelings very often these days. And it is as HG explained.

      The sensible part of me knows I’m better off without him. My non sensible part still pines for the golden period and there is jealousy within me that he is paying attention to her now. That’s when the desire to punch kicks in for me.

      1. ➳ ANK… You are sooo right! Some days if I let myself “think” too much, it is easy to slip into pining and longing for the FAKE Golden Period…. the anger, hatred and jealousy can become overwhelming. But, you can not let them know that & that is why N/C is so crucial…

      2. C✴
        I have not let him know how I am feeling apart at the beginning of the year when I told him he had hurt me. Of course he didn’t think he had done anything wrong in typical Narc fashion.

        It’s worse when I have no other distractions I guess. So am trying when not at work to keep my self busy.

        Sods law bumped into him at work last Tuesday.
        Him seeing me gave rise to hoover attempt.

        I need to get stronger with my emotions. 😖

      3. Hi ANK, yes, the constant fight between rational and irrational thinking is a chore placed upon us. However, I don’t crave the Golden Period with my narcy. That’s ended, it’s over and done with but I do admit to jealousy when I think of him with other women, or is it anger that he treated me as another notch on his crammed bed post…? Probably both.
        Anyway, he’s gone and good riddance! Learning about NPD is also about learning about ourselves. I believe this is how we can all heal.
        Best wishes to you.

  26. I lost the day I met him so there is no point to try to win now. This is how I justify my silence. It is still hard every day.

    1. Aye, every day is hard, but I’ve come to the conclusion the way to win is to dig deep understand ourselves and our part in the narc dynamic. Just my pov of course!

  27. Downright scary, exactly what kind of relationship that I have come out of in my not so recent past, but one that scarred me forever. I don’t regret that it happened the way that it did. Overcoming it has only made me stronger.

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