Little Acons – No. 30

YOU NEED TO LET GO OF THE PAST

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31 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 30”

  1. My mom brings up the past to my kids. They hate it. My kids are in their twenties and still like going around her. They know she’s crazy. I got their back but still tell them to stay away from her.

  2. Its let go of the past until they can think of something others would recognize as good that they did for you. Then its: You seem to forget the past and all of the great things I have done for you. Remember that time waaayyy back that I did something nice for you? You should remember that.

    1. Oh soooo true NA!!! Great post! I know it all too well!! I said to my Dad once, (because he brought up how he gave me money and bought me things,)
      “So Dad, so if you beat your kid with a baseball bat in the head, and then give him $100 , does the money justify what you did?” Never got an answer…

  3. since this is ACON, what i read into “You need to let go of the past”, is a lack of validation by the parents of the CHILD’S “experience”, how ever s/he perceived it.

  4. HG- Have you written anything about narcissistic fathers and or father in laws? All the information I have read about narcissistic parents pertains only to mothers. Also, if someone’s father is narcissistic does that usually mean their mother is not normal herself?

    1. I have not detailed anything especially specific, but what applies to the narcissist mother is just as applicable mutatis mutandis to the narcissist father.

      If the father is a narcissist, the mother is likely to be a type of empath, but may be normal or also a narcissist

  5. A couple years ago I brought up something specific that happened to me with the pedophile stepfather. She LAUGHED and said “you are still hanging on to that???”

      1. 12345 and sues423,
        sometimes I feel ashamed that I complain about my mother. It is absolutely horrible, what you both had to suffer by your mothers. It is awful, sick and nasty. There is no excuse for such a behaviour, whatever other people may say…

    1. That is outrageous 12345! I’d tell her I’ll keep hanging on just to remind her of what a shitty, unprotective mother she was and that since you get to be in charge of her headstone someday, it may just read “Failure” instead of her name.
      I’m so glad you have a close bond with your daughter and get to experience that dynamic with unconditional love from that side.

  6. Another LITTLE ACON, to describe my life! LOL

    This was one of the things I was told by my father and step mother one of the times I confronted my Dad when I got older,(early 20’s). They loved to give the speech about how you can’t hold your parents responsible for past situations and experiences because “You’re and adult now” “Everyone has problems and you need to take responsibility for your own and stop blaming your parents” “I don’t make you feel and act the way you do, you hold on to too much resentment and live in the past.”
    So in other words, your parents can impose their supremacy on you, cripple, crush and impair you, but once you become an adult its all null and void on their end. No accountability.. It’s sick.

  7. Used frequently by both my parents. Usually in an argument with each other or towards us when we were complaining about their behavior. I have said it back to my father and mother on several occasions and have suffered both severe and mild consequences for doing so. Or said it to narc boyfriends as a replication of my parents marriage. Thank God I stopped that behavior. Narc parents really take the cake, figuratively and literally.

  8. It was so convenient for my mother to use this sentence whenever she needed to avoid responsibility, put me down and, consequently, feel superior. It was easy for her to get away with it and label me as immature, resentful or too sensible. I found this sentence (and attitude in general) so abusive and frustrating. Everything was a mind game with her.
    There is another sentence or mindset of hers that comes to mind now: “Don’t blame me for your own failures”. So abusive.

    1. Omg, I cannot imagine how it feels to have a mother with NPD.
      At least now you know that she has problems not you.:(

  9. HG,

    why didn’t he answer me? Is he thinking that i should let the past go?
    Anyway,does he realize that we will never see each other again ?

      1. I sent an email to him asking if he wants to have a coffee and play chess before he goes back to his country.
        And I said. “‘ I know I said bad things to you but you also had your mistakes”‘
        I also said: “if you dont answer this email, I wont write anymore”‘

        and he did not answer me
        understand?

  10. I asked him if he would like to meet to say goodbye since he is leaving and is going to another country and probably I will never see him again.
    Although I am going on well with me life, I just wanted to say bye and see him again.
    And give to him some of my love energy. And that he can take it with him and feel good and have a good closure.
    This is the only thing I wanted.
    He is leaving in a week.

  11. We all have to let go. It is easy to say that. You, HG, and we all know, how much we as adults have to fight with our experience of narcissistic relationships and their consequences for us. You will not like it, but you are in the same boat with us in that case. No, that experience was burnt in your and our memory and it changed our view of the world and of people. I changed a lot of attitudes. The only one I can trust is me and no one else. Maybe that breaks the cycle of narcissistic relationships.
    If there is any relationship to a man in future, I will dominate it. If he does not, what I want, he has to go. I know that is not healthy at all and I know that is not what I really want, but that is the consequence of an entanglement with your kind.
    Mona first.

    1. Mona,
      You have to learn to trust. Trust was taken away by narc parents. When you can learn to trust another person then there is no need to dominate the relationship. You just reside together without conflict or a battle for control. It takes years of undoing the incorrect relationship methods taught by our parents and the influence of other relationships but, your attachment style can be changed. It’s hard to give yourself over to another but it’s one of the best things knowing that your partner will never let you down. That someone actually loves you with no conditions. It’s foreign territory for ACONs, but it does exist.

      1. ABB, thank you for your comment. But just that trust was my fault and my “doom”. I have never been someone who has had the need to control anybody else. I trusted him and my mother too much. I was gullible. I will not love anymore. And it does not make sense anymore. I am too old. It is better for me to have some good friends and perhaps a lover. If there should be someone, who wants to have a relationship with me and I agree, I have to control him now. I will never tell this person what I think and I will never trust again. I must have a huge wall to protect me. I need control now. I will not abuse this person but I will never give this person a look insight of my soul or my accounts current. This person will only see a slick facade. I always trusted the wrong persons. If I am tricky enough, they will never know (me).I do not have the time anymore (because of my age) to learn a new attachment style. My focus must be good friends on whom I can rely on. I have no young relatives near my home and I have no children. There is no one, who can take care for me, if something happens to me (illness or accident). I really need some good friends for my future to support each other mutually. That is the main aim. No, from now on, Mona first. .

  12. I see this one as a reminder to think of all the red flags, taken for granted, the lies, the lack of responsibility, the crazy kid I had to endure (did everything for him), the crazy ex, the .. I can keep going but been told to stop dwelling and instead LET GO of the past… let go of the illusion and move forward and now I pretend it was all a bad dream that I need to shake off. It’s hard but will make it!!!

    1. Right? Growing up my mother would go on and on about her stuff that happened to her in highschool and her early twenties. Decades later she still had issues with these people in our town and pit me against their kids. It was really messed up looking back on it. She holds a grudge for decades and decades.
      My last narc boyfriend held onto one comment his ex wife made 12 years ago when she poked some fun at him for a dance he did in theatre in high school. Must have caused him some major injury to talk about it all these years later. They can dish out such vile put downs, but can’t even take a little jest from anyone! I remember him saying, “It bothers me when you make fun of me.” What? I’d pick fun or be sarcastic and he would do it back. I thought we were flirting. He was so sensitive he couldn’t even take that!!!

    2. Thinking about this more and reading ajo’s interesting post make me think that becuase of the past and such a loss of control that one can never get back , make Narcisists desperate for the rest of their lives . Desperate for emotional attention at any cost . Being so desperate for it that they have to abuse people to create a contrast to keep that emotion flowing at a certain level. Their lives are trying to control the desperation that they are controlled by.

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