Exposure During Escape


Should you expose your narcissist when you have escaped? Should you expose him or her if you have been discarded? It is far more likely that you have established who it is you have been dealing with for so many tortuous months or even years, when the Formal Relationship has concluded. Whether you managed to escape, or, more often, you have been discarded, the revelation of what you have been entangled with is more likely to appear in the aftermath than opposed to during seduction or devaluation.

Armed with this new found knowledge, as the pieces of the jigsaw start to fit together, but whilst the emotion remains raw, the desire to expose us to the world at large is extremely tempting. What better way to secure revenge than letting those who fawn over us understand what we really are? You know now and in accordance with your empathic nature you feel obligated to share this truth now that you have sought the truth and found it. Now it must surely be time to announce to the world that we are a narcissist?

Once again, as described during devaluation, the timing and the school of narcissist are highly relevant to understanding what is likely to happen as a consequence of this unmasking to third parties. We address here the likely outcomes when you have escaped your narcissist.

Post Escape

The next scenario is to consider what will occur should you expose us to third parties once you have escaped our grasp.

The Lesser. 

You will have stolen a march on the Lesser Narcissist. Based on the assumption that you have effected no contact and escaped his grasp without giving him an opportunity to try to prevent your escape (see https://narcsite.com/2016/08/20/how-no-contact-feels-part-one/) then your exposure will have taken the Lesser by surprise.

His efforts will have been focused on trying to win you back through the application of an Initial Grand Hoover, but if your no contact has remained intact and this IGH has failed, the Lesser will have been forced to seek out a new primary source to replace you. His fuel levels will have dropped and he will not have the energy levels to engage in any meaningful smearing of you as he tries to seduce a replacement.

As word of the your exposure reaches him, he will be wounded by this substantial criticism. His fury will be ignited and he will want to lash out at you. Knowledge of the exposure will have amounted to you entering a sphere of influence so there is a Hoover Trigger. His reaction will be to want to effect a malign hoover against you. However, if your no contact is solid and the wounding effect of the exposure will mean that you have raised the bar high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. He will not effect the hoover because the prospect of fuel is difficult, he may not be able to contact you and there is the risk of further wounding.

He will however have his fury ignited by the wounding effect of the exposure. Unable to apply this heated fury against you through a malign hoover and in desperate need of fuel, the Lesser will actually be likely to lash out at his secondary sources. This creates a further problem for him. Whilst on the one hand those secondary sources – family and friends, will react by giving him fuel – they cannot help but do so as he lashes out at them causing anger, upset and surprise – he is also reinforcing what you have exposed him for.

Accordingly, in such a scenario, you have spread word of what he is. This has got back to the narcissist and irrespective of whether people believe what you have said or not (we turn to that in a  moment) the mere fact of you committing such an act of treachery as well results in huge criticism and thus huge wounding. Unable to perform what will in effect be a Malign Follow-up Hoover against you, the Lesser will have lost control and will lash out left right and centre. People will be railed against, insulted, items smashed and so forth as the Lesser damages the facade through his own inability to control his rage.

Eventually the garnered fuel will heal the wound but after this the Lesser faces the consequences of his actions. Numerous sources will turn their back on him and he will be left to rely on a diminished range of sources. Lacking the energy to draw in many replacement secondary sources, the Lesser is forced to focus on obtaining (or embedding) the new primary source. He will however withdraw generally as he regains fuel and slowly replaces the appliances that he has lost. This may even force the Lesser to move territory and seek out a new hunting ground.

Your exposure to the third parties will meet with some success, certainly more than if it took place during devaluation. This is because you are likely to be more composed in your approach, because you escaped and you have been able to get in first with your exposure before the Lesser has been able to smear. Not everybody will accept what you tell them, but others will. You will also then see that rather than fight back by smearing you and tackling your exposure, the out of control and wounded Lesser will only behave in a manner which allows you to stand back and say

“Told you so.”

So long as you engage in this exposure in a manner whereby the wild and raging Lesser cannot exact his Malign Follow-Up Hoover against you, exposing him post escape is likely to meet with success.

The Mid-Ranger

What then of the Mid-Ranger? How does he respond once you have exposed him post escape? Again, this is based on you managing to escape without tipping him off as otherwise you will initially face the scenario detailed here https://narcsite.com/2016/08/22/how-no-contact-feels-part-two/

Once word reaches the Mid-Ranger of your exposure he will also be taken by surprise. Although possessing of a better cognitive function and greater control than the Lesser, the Mid-Range Narcissist will also suffer a massive wound as a combination of the twin criticisms of your escape and the exposure. His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.

The fury of the Mid-Ranger will be ignited and he will need to seek fuel. Just like the Lesser, he will turn to wanting to contact you by way of a follow-up hoover, since your exposure step has caused you to enter his sphere of influence and a hoover is triggered. The Mid-Ranger will not proceed in a malign fashion but he will want to hoover you in a benign way and for the purposes of rolling our repeated pity plays in the expectation of causing you to give him fuel and to also end and indeed reverse the exposure.

He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you. He will be oblivious to his devaluation of you as he is intent and focused on his own discomfort. The wound will have him restless, morbid and in victim mode. If the Mid-Ranger is able to engage with you, you can expect a lengthy monologue as he seeks to draw sympathy from you and also your confirmation that the exposure is a mistake, based on a misunderstanding and you will rectify it by telling everyone that you have made a mistake and that he is in fact a decent and reliable person.

If the Mid-Ranger is unable to contact you to make this heartfelt plea, then he is forced to seek sympathy elsewhere and he will engage his energies in locating (or embedding the new primary source) as he smears you for your hurtful treachery and also rolling out his own propaganda response to those you have exposed him too. He will want sympathy and support from his supporters, he will entreat his coterie and lieutenants to disbelieve you and to persuade others of his merits.

You may meet with some success in persuading third parties to accept the true nature of the Mid Ranger if you are able to steal a march on him through your escape. If you can get your exposure in before he can smear you then you will have some success. You will face the difficulty that the Mid-Ranger will not respond in an aggressive manner but rather deploy pity and seek sympathy all in order to have people feel sorry for him. This is an effective step by him and he will not engage in the self-defeating behaviour of the Lesser.

Your exposure combined with no contact will cause him to slink away and leave you alone. He will be forced to apply his efforts to the replacement and trying to repair his reputation with the third parties and smear you also. Whilst he has more energy than the Lesser, he may ultimately opt to maintain a low profile and rely on what remains of his loyal sources as he located and embeds the new primary source. You have raised the Hoover Execution Criteria bar and therefore the prospects of further hoovers will be limited for some time.

The Greater

Finally we turn to the Greater. What is his reaction on you escaping him and exposing him? Once again, if you have tipped him off as to your intentions, the initial response from him will be as described here

How No Contact Feels – Part Three

If you do not tip off the Greater, what happens when he learns that you are exposing his behaviour and what he is to third parties.

Your escape and this attempted unmasking, amounts, as you would expect, to a criticism. It wounds the Greater but he will manage his fury and keep it under control. For now. His initial response will be two fold:-

  1. He will seek to apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover to charm you. This will be fierce and sustained and seem like an Initial Grand Hoover, but it is not. He will be delightful, pleasant, apparently remorseful and will lay on the charm and magnetism; and
  2. He will deploy all resources in order to counter the effects of your exposure with the third parties. This will be initially by way of asserting his credentials, then undermining you and smearing you.

If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

  1. Naturally for fuel; and
  2. To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.

Your escape will be portrayed as him leaving you. You will be smeared as The Crazy One and he will gain fuel from your replacement and his other sources. He is adept at doing so and consequently this will provide him with the additional energy to smear you and derail your exposure.

It is very hard to expose a Greater because he has charmed so many people that they will just find it very hard to believe what you are saying to them. Not only that, the Greater will be fighting back by reassuring these people there is nothing to worry about whilst pointing to your drink problem, your habitual lying, your possessive jealousy and so forth. This combination of reassurance, charm and smearing means you are unlikely to have much effect on the thoughts and opinions of the third parties, other than them to hold you in contempt.

The new replacement will be paraded in order to try to draw fuel from you, there will be frequent Relationship Bulletins and you may have escaped but your exposure will actually feel like you are under siege again because of the effects of the Greater’s sustained and co-ordinated response.

Even high calibre evidence of what the Greater is may well founder in the light of his charm and concentrated abilities and ultimately you run the risk of either being seduced again through his charm or if you can maintain no contact, you will find your exposure has not dented his standing but has had an adverse effect on your from the sustained smearing you will suffer. Even if your exposure ‘gets in’ first, the Greater can  mobilise his propaganda machine quickly with the consequent problems this will cause for you.

You may wish to consider carefully whether there is anything to be gained from exposing the Greater and instead focus on the gains you have made from escaping.

Next consideration will be given to the scenario of exposure following discard.

21 thoughts on “Exposure During Escape

  1. Lori says:


    I am an ipss that had escaped while on the shelf. While I have not directly spoken to this man in more than 2 year there were numerous passive Hoover’s and Hoover’s that came by proxy even just 2 weeks ago which prompted the blocking of every channel. I assume that means I have escaped. I have not really exposed only on a rare a ocassion when he had been brought up by a mutual friend in which I have simply said “I’m sure you gave deduced that he is not quite right and has some issues” that’s it I have never put a name or diagnosis to “the issues “ and it rarely comes up. My question is are there any of your articles that address escape where there has been no exposure? . Do they just go away? And I no longer have to worry about stuff coming at me via proxy?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This personal situation requires
      as per the rules.

      1. Lori says:

        Ok I see. Not working right now so I can’t do a consultation.

        I never really wanted to block the fajd profile cause I felt like it acknowledged him but when something came my way via my replacement and a mutual friend who is friendly with all parties that’s when j said enough block if all and be done and I did. It’s taken a year and a half but I did it 8 have wondered if he had noticed yet. It’s been 2 or 3 weeks now. How often do narcs check on shelf appliances ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          When there is a Hoover Trigger and the HEC is met.

          1. Lori says:

            I mean not necessarily for a Hoover but just to spy. I know he spies. He doesn’t speak bout he spies. Don’t Narcs just check in their appliances ieben if they don’t Hoover ? I must say I do derive a bit of satisfaction thinking about him going to look me up and now he can’t see. I would assume that ignites some sort of fury in him ?

            IM proud to finally say I have completely shit him out

  2. ajo says:

    I beat mine to the punch and it drives him crazy. I got to all his friends (the ones I cared about) first, his sister, his ex wife, his ex girlfriend, his old affairs…. All under his nose. Then I told him in one fail swoop and his fury ignited. He had no idea what I was capable of. I’m done now. Karma can do the rest. But, I made sure everyone knew he was still up to his old tricks (cheating) and that he hadn’t changed a bit. No one wants to be associated with him because his reputation is so bad. I now realized people weren’t looking at me like that because they disliked me or were jealous he was dating post divorce. It was because they felt sorry for me!! Even his colleagues that never paid much attention to me or have hardly spoken to me have reached out and friended me on social media. They can’t stand him and it’s like now they trust me that I’m no longer with him. He painted a beautiful fascade, but soon there won’t be many women left in the city who haven’t heard about who he really is.

  3. Anon says:

    How do I expose a Greater that I’m convinced groomed me so he could abuse me, my children and the children we had together (his tools) my babies. While parading around as a hardworking family man.
    When I explained to our 5yr old that mummy and daddy aren’t living together anymore because he tells lies and he’s bad for mummy, he said I know he just pretends to be good. He’s good daddy when mummy’s home, bad daddy when I’m not, my blood ran cold, he abused me but never in front of the children and he always appeared to care about them. However they’ve revealed a lot in the 3wks he’s been gone but the authority’s aren’t taking me seriously, I sense I’m being viewed as the jealous ex who’s putting words into their mouths, It’s so untrue. The extremes of behaviour I’m having to deal with just back up what the children say about him, he’s calling them liars and he doesn’t understand why they would say such things, because they are true obviously.
    Meanwhile he’s free to damage who he wants while I’m left to pick up the pieces of his reign here.
    I want to go back to when I thought it was just a bad relationship that had ran its course, I had no idea what was going on, no idea his offers to help were really hinderance in disguise, all the good I was doing was being undermined behind my back, he even accused me of undermining him, the cheek!! I lived with an imposter and had no idea, then I arrived here. I’ve previously said you saved my life but that’s not true anymore my life is over and can’t possibly be good again. I now have an existence and have to wait for my youngest to grow up before I can make him suffer, this is so wrong.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Anon, you need to establish whether you are actually dealing with a Greater and if you are, then there are multiple considerations to take into account (see my answer to Tiddlywink on Exposure During Devaluation) and in the circumstances I would advocate that you engage in a consultation so I can give you accurate details.

  4. Adele says:

    HG I’m not sure if my ex is mid or greater. He is definitely too in control to be a lesser but during his recent Hoover attempt I told him exactly what he was, explained his pathological disorder and how I was going to expose him through the blog I am writing. He appears to be completely oblivious to his behaviours? What on earth have I done wrong? He said. Two years ago I had an affair and yes it was wrong but I’ve done nothing since. When I reeled off a list of the lies, the mind games, the disregard, the cruelty, the silent treatments, the fury he was in complete denial. I am obviously the mental one. Does his lack of awareness make him more likely to be a mid?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It does Adele. Have you cancelled any more concerts recently?

  5. slc000918 says:

    Mine is a mid-ranger, I have had “No Contact” going on 46 days. (I feel so much better) I saw him at the opposite end of the intersection. I paid him NO notice, but I had a strange feeling he was scared. No crazy looks, because I just ignored him. Just that feeling I got, was very weird! The abuse I suffered was so severe, it felt like a piece of my soul was leaving. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. What ever happens is for the best, I will not break my “no contact” order it’s the only thing keeping me safe.

  6. 12345 says:

    Absolutely nothing to be gained in trying to expose the greater. The ex greater has spent decades meticulously laying brick after brick in helping the poor and downtrodden. He refers to himself as a “street lawyer” who thrives in helping people. He is worshiped by those he has helped. He knows he’ll need that army later when someone tries to expose him. He is seen as a wonderful father and husband to his wife of 40 years.

    Many women have tried to expose him only to be left looking like discarded toilet paper on the floor of a filthy roadside bathroom. There are so many people that would stand in line to take a bullet for him. He embodies charm, elegance, manners, humility and old money. He has also knows how to tame any sign of arrogance and come across as simply confident, patient and nurturing.

    But alone…he can be the cruelest person I’ve ever seen. He’ll yell if he has to. He’ll break something you treasure if he has to. But it rarely comes to that. He can tell you the cruelest things while brushing your bangs from your forehead and tucking them behind your ear with a pleasant look on his face and a silky smooth voice.

    I wouldn’t say I’m a worshiper but I have been repeatedly in awe of him. He is evil but he is also a kind of brilliance I’ve never seen before. Terrifyingly brilliant. He does not miss a single thing and I know to be very afraid of him. I would know in a single glance when I had punishment waiting. His face was never twisted up or misshapen in his foreboding glance. He would barely, I mean barely squint his eyes and I knew immediately what was coming. I could’ve asked the person next to me “did you see how he looked at me!!!!” and they would’ve said “what are you talking about, crazy?”

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      Hi 12345! That is very intimidating how you describe. I’m wondering too when you say you knew what would be coming with barely a squint of his eye, you have known him for so long, every nuance, every type of body language, do you also think you were picking up on an energy shift from him? Being that attuned to him? Possibly that is why it would be completely missed by others around?

      1. 12345 says:

        Hi! I didn’t ever think of that! That has to be what it was. Amazing. I literally learn something here everyday.

  7. Emily says:

    I have sent a link to your website to my mid-ranger. How do you think he liked it?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Depends if you sent it accompanied by this

      1. Indy says:

        Diggin this song!
        Oddly, Lead sing looks like an ex of mine.

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        Ha! That was my ring tone during my divorce. My then attorney busted out laughing when it went off during a meeting and I had forgotten to put it on vibrate.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I like your style Clarece.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            I know.

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