How To Make A Request To A Narcissist

 

HOW TOMAKE AREQUESTTO A NARCISSIST

The most effective approach when dealing with our kind is GOSO, namely Get Out, Stay Out and do so through the imposition of a robust no contact regime.

The value of achieving this means it is often worth making certain sacrifices in terms of having that final word (see The Last Word ), writing off money owed to you, kissing good bye to that gay unicorn sculpture or even hoping for some kind of explanation as to what has happened. The benefit of achieving no contact will often outweigh trying to address those outstanding matters. Keep in mind also that not only do our kind not provide you with closure ( Closure Denied ), will not give you answers and also use any interaction to future fake and give you false hope, we also utilise outstanding issues (money, possessions, payment of bills etc) as the maintenance of Ever Presence and as Hoover Triggers. The attempt at a successful no contact regime is littered with the residue of the narcissistic entanglement.

Nevertheless, there may be occasions where you feel it is necessary to make a request of our kind in order to seek some kind of outcome or resolution. This requires careful evaluation to determine whether it is a step worth taking and if it is, how should this be effected? Here are some dos and don’ts in respect of how to make a request to a narcissist. Keep in mind that these points are not stand-alone and impact on one another in terms of the overall outcome that can be achieved.

  1. The first significant point is to take heed of the very title of this article. Make a request. Although it may sicken you to have to be polite and civil to us after the way you have been treated, if you make a demand you will get nowhere. In accordance with our need to always maintain control and the upper hand, making a demand of us is the proverbial red rag to the bull. Dependent on how this demand is made, it will either be Challenge Fuel ( so expect us to provoke you to get more delicious negative fuel and we will respond in an intransigent, obnoxious and obstructive manner to this demand) or it will wound us and thus you will ignite our fury. This latter response will mean your demand will be dead in the water and you will be subjected to either heated or cold fury. No matter how much it pains you, do not use phrases such as

“You have to do this”

“You must pay me immediately”

“If you do not do this then…”

Instead, you should utilise phrases including

“It would be appreciated if you could….”

“I hope that you might be able to….”

“Would you be so kind as to….”

We baulk at being commanded to do anything, since we are the doers and not the done to. No matter how right you may feel about making a demand, no matter how justified or entitled you may be, resist the temptation to couch your interaction with us in such terms.

2. Timing. This is crucial in terms of maximising the potential for success with your request. Naturally any request made to us during the relevant golden period is highly likely going to meet with success but that is of little help to you. You are not likely to be asking for your antique banker’s lamp back during the golden period or requesting that the utilities’ bills be settled promptly. Your request is usually going to be made post-escape or post-disengagement and it is in those instances that the issue of timing becomes paramount.

a. Do not bother with making any request in the immediacy of your escape from our kind. By immediacy I mean the first month post escape. Your escape will have meant that you have been deemed to be a traitor. If you make the request during the Initial Grand Hoover (our concerted attempt to pull you back under our control and into the Formal Relationship again) then it will only be seen as further evidence of your treachery. If you want money to be repaid, that not only signals to us that you have no interest in coming back to us, but making such a request will either be Challenge Fuel or Wounding. If you make your request following an unsuccessful IGH, if we do not have a replacement IPPS (assuming that was the position you held) then your request will in all likelihood be agreed to on the basis of you returning to us. Do not fall for it. This will be a future fake. We will agree to returning those items if you come and see us (so we can apply more pressure to draw fuel from you etc) but the return of the possessions will not happen.

b. If you become aware that we are pursuing a new IPPS interest and that is in the early stages (first few weeks of the pursuit) then do not bother making your request. You will remain painted black, seen as a traitor and also we will be concerned that you are trying to make us look bad in front of this new prospect. Furthermore, our inherent wariness will mean that we will treat the request with suspicion, regarding it as a Trojan Horse for the purposes of you trying to inveigle your way back in to wreak havoc on our new golden period.

c. If we have an embedded IPPS and all is sunny in paradise in Narcworld, this is your optimum opportunity to acquire a favourable outcome. The reason for this is that we will be far more secure in our golden period with this new IPPS. Furthermore, the maintenance of the façade of us being kind, decent and honourable will be of importance and whilst there is no absolute guarantee that we will acquiesce to your request, your chances are much greater. We want to be seen as magnanimous, that we bear no grudge, that we have moved on and we want to show the new IPPS (and members of the coterie) that we can exhibit benevolence. Of course there will be limits to this largesse, but by approaching us at this time and adopting the other points in this article then you will increase your chances significantly of a favourable outcome.

d. If we have dis-engaged from you, you have been painted black also. In all likelihood there will be a new IPPS and therefore in terms of timing you should pay heed to the above points.

e. If we have dis-engaged from you and there is no IPPS (as far as you can tell) there will be no point making the request because you will remain black because we have chosen to dis-engage from you with no IPPS to bolt on. Such a step may well have been taken as a consequence of total treachery on your part – exposure or massive wounding – and therefore any request made at this time will be met with being ignored at best and horrendous malign hoovers at worst.

Timing is most important and you need to be able to recognise where we are likely to be at with regards to our dynamic with other appliances before making your quest,

3. Do not make the request in person. No matter how hard you try to remain neutral, by appearing in person before us, you will provide us with fuel through what you say how you say it, the tone of your voice, your facial expression, the look in your eyes and so forth. This means that we will give the appearance of considering your request but all we will focus on is either gaining more fuel from you or pulling you back into the Formal Relationship (dependent on when this happens). Even if you make the request when we are at 2c above, your appearance in person will defeat the request because we see the opportunity to gain fuel from you (either positively by agreeing and future faking you so you keep revisiting us or by provoking you to give negative fuel) as far more important than looking good for the appearance of the façade. Keep in mind also that your emotional thinking is far more likely to govern your responses if you are with us in person and this will result in your providing automatic responses which will go against your aims.

4. Do not make the request by telephone. Although the quantity of fuel will not be as great as if you made the request in person, there is still a decent quantity to be obtained and we will seize on that opportunity rather than focus on making us look good by agreeing to your request. By speaking to us, you are again more likely to give us fuel and also to be governed by emotional thinking as we goad you – be it for positive or negative fuel.

5. Do not make the request by text message or social media message. You will end up clipping your message in a way which will make it appear like a demand. It is also easier for us to ignore.

6. Always make the request in writing and that means either in an e-mail or a hand-written letter. Why do this?

a. Evidence. Your request is not guaranteed to meet with success but where it eventually leads to (perhaps police involvement or through the courts) will be boosted considerably by having this evidence in place and not having to rely on oral evidence.

b. Best Front Shown. You will be far more considered, logical and restrained in a written request than one made in person or by telephone. Keep in mind that some of our kind will film/record you and use edited ‘highlights’ to discredit you when you become angry, frustrated or exasperated.

c. You will be able to take your time in composing the most effective request. You will be able to reflect on it, remove as much fuel as possible, avoid anything which would be construed as demanding or wounding and maximising effectiveness.

d. Even if you do provide some fuel, the written word conveys the lowest quantity by reason of the absence of hearing the tone, seeing the facial expressions and so forth. The written word may be emotive but it is low in terms of the quantity of fuel and may even just be Thought Fuel based on how we consider you to have been when you wrote the correspondence.

e. Building a ‘paper’ trail. If the request is not agreed to and you therefore have to use a formal channel – complaint to a body, commence litigation or use the police for instance, the fact you have created a paper trail will move matters heavily in your favour.

7. Never plead, cajole or threaten. This will cause us to scent there is fuel in the offing and/or wound us and therefore we will focus on the fuel/healing the wound you have caused and your request will be forgotten about as we go off on a different frolic.

8. Provide some flattery but do not go overboard. It is acceptable to write in terms such as

“I know you are a reasonable person”

“I know you are the right person to assist with this matter”

“I know you can resolve this for both our benefits”

Note the use of “I know” and not “I think”. Using I know is a strong assertion and leaves no room for doubt. However, do not become obsequious or over the top in your praise or compliments, because this will either cause us to sense more fuel is on offer or we will regard you as taking the piss and this will be Challenge Fuel. In either case, this causes us to focus on the fuel and/or asserting superiority and your request will be lost in the process.

9. Make the request once and once only. If you do not get a response or the response is rejection do not go back. All we will do is future fake and provoke you. If the request does not meet with success then you have made your point and you should then proceed to escalate the matter through a formal channel. Don’t keep chipping away asking “did you get the e-mail” (put a delivered and read receipt on it). Don’t demand that the request is answered (see the point about demand above).

10. If the execution of the request requires the delivery up of property, the return of possessions and such like, politely request that this is done through a third party and specify when they will attend to collect goods or deliver property etc. With regard to money you can arrange for this either be paid into an account or if it is cash have it handed to the trust worthy third party. Do not suggest that you will meet with us to execute the request. This will cause us to see an opportunity to gain fuel and deny the request or string it out and delay.

11. Ensure the request is clear. Do not suggest any meeting to discuss it. Do not invite us to advance counter proposals. Do not fudge the issue. Identify what needs to be done, make the request in a clear fashion noting precisely what should be provided for example, when and how. Invite a third party to review the written request so it reads clearly and there is no scope for misunderstanding. We will exploit a lack of clarity in order to contact you in person and thus draw fuel etc.

12. Politely request that the response from us is sent to a third party. You should always make the request (do not do so by proxy as this will insult us and wound us that you could not even be bothered to do the courtesy of asking us to begin with and your request will immediately fail) . However, detail in the request that performance of the request and confirmation should be provided to a third party who you can trust. This will deny us the opportunity to try to hoover you and dodge the purpose of the request. It also means that you may also maximise your prospects of a successful outcome when you are painted black still. If we do not have to deal with you (when there is a concern that you might for example interfere in the blossoming seduction of a new IPPS) then this is likely to improve the chances of it happening.

13. Identify the school of narcissist you are dealing with and tailor the request accordingly. The Lesser will have lower energy levels and risk an ignition of fury more readily, therefore look at ways of making his compliance easy – send someone to collect rather than wanting him to come and deliver for example. The Mid Ranger will want to be seen as the ‘good egg’ so factor that into how you phrase the request. The Greater will be above such trivialities and you may benefit from suggesting one of the Greater’s people liaises with one of your people to execute the request.

14. Do not offer a reward or incentive for compliance. This will then be the focus of our response and this will be sought without acceding to the request. If you show you are willing to give us something in return (which we regard as being entitled to anyway) we will focus on that instead.

15. Seek my assistance with a bespoke solution to the relevant situation so all factors are considered and taken into account and I can assist with the drafting of a request which is far more likely to succeed.

16. If the request does not work, do not be disheartened. Instead, if you have followed this article you will have avoided giving much fuel, you will not have made a show of yourself, you will have breached no contact of course but not in a way that is going to cause you huge problems and you will have established a constructive platform which will allow you to, if you wish, to escalate the matter in order to bring about compliance through an alternative method.

 

69 thoughts on “How To Make A Request To A Narcissist

  1. ava101 says:

    HG, if someone was writing a good-bye letter to a mid range narcissist, stating as facts why … about his behaviour with examples and evidence ….. Would that still lead to nothing? Would the mid ranger still think the decision hat nothing to do with him/her? Even not after years of having that letter?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No they will not, they will not and cannot accept the liability for their behaviour.

      1. ava101 says:

        This is so frustrating. What will they think then??

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Indeed it is Ava101 and of course that is part of the design. By being frustrating you cannot move forward (or it becomes harder) and you provide more fuel.

          What will they think on receipt of such a letter? They will not accept blame. They will see that certain behaviours you describe just are not true (altered perspective), where they may recognise some behaviours it will be deflected and blame shifted (it will be your fault, or ‘yes I did that BUT’ ). You will be regarded as horrible person for writing the letter, uncaring and lacking sympathy – you may well be triangulated (She wrote this about me).

      2. ava101 says:

        Thank you, I appreciate your answer.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

      3. Tappan Zee says:

        I keep thinking I have learned this. Head knowledge only. Heart? Not so much. Empathy (and due our construct) carries a “law” of reciprocity that is not engaged. I may as well bash bricks in my head. I know. Still really hard to sink in.

    2. Karma says:

      I wrote “books” explaining his abuse, his behavior and how it affected me… hoovered after one year and (only via cyber) did the same shit again! Completely and utterly clueless and in this case a true idiot!
      So … don’t waste anymore paper on a person that don’t want to or can comprehend. But as HG has stated… it is hard for them to sleep and hard to look at them selves in the mirror in the morning. I do believe deep down they know exactly how horrible they are and the wounds keeps growing deeper and deeper as they put devastation behind them.
      I’m now day 11 NC and the fog is lifting … 30 days since last “fake” nice conversation… it’s a roller coaster but it’s getting better.

      1. E. B. says:

        Hi Karma,

        I am glad to hear that you went NC and the fog is lifting. You will be able to see things more clearly as time goes by.

        “…it is hard for them to sleep and hard to look at themselves in the mirror in the morning. I do believe deep down they know exactly how horrible they are….”

        I agree. My father did not have trouble falling asleep but he used to complain that he would wake up after 4-5 hours’ sleep and could not fall asleep again. He also used to say: “Don’t you hate yourself when you see yourself/your face in the mirror?” I could not understand why he would say such a thing when he wanted to make me angry. It did not make any sense to me. If I feel guilty about something, it has nothing to do with how I look in the mirror. Now I know it was Projection. He was probably seeing his Creature. He certainly knew how horrible he was. Once he told me: “YES, I KNOW I AM A BEAST!” after confronting him with his evil behaviour. There were other “confessions” and to my surprise, I realised that he had not told any those things to other narcissists in the family before.

        I disagree that many adult narcissists are unaware of their evil behaviour because they have a disorder. Their NPD is an excuse to avoid being made accountable for their actions. Children have the ability to tell right from wrong by age 10 or earlier.

  2. malo says:

    Hi HG,
    I know you said no proxy request but is there any way to use one of his flying monkeys to get back something from my exNarc?
    My N was a Somatic, Lesser, Ping Pong. I was discarded after 3 years and he is now in the golden period with the other woman. I am full No Contact for 2 months and I really don’t want to contact him again. I am working at the same company with one of his “friends”. Can I use him to get the item back without having to direct contact him?
    Thank you 🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You could write a short letter addressed to the narc but give it to the friend to pass on and ask in the letter for the narc to provide the item to the Lieutenant to give to you. Don’t ask the Lieutenant to ask the narc to recover the item, the request needs to be addressed to the narc.

      1. malo says:

        Got it!! Thanks a lot HG!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome

  3. Youre so evil-ly brilliant. So sad. I wish you were authentic and nice. I so want to like you. Such brilliance. All for evil. Such a waste. In my world anyway. But ty for sharing since there are more of your brethren on every corner…. or sometimes it seems.

  4. Samantha says:

    Can you do a video of how a narcissist handles a long distance relationship? My codependent friend is with a covert female narcissist and she’s isolated him from all of us who see through her game. Thanks

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Article is in progress.

  5. Dorann says:

    Great article! Could you explain please why a narc gets so upset over talking about his health issues? As a wife I need to know to take care of him but he won’t even admit he has an issue! He has a very visible hump in his back and says there is nothing wrong?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I guess it must be because it is interfering with his bell-ringing.

      There will be two reasons why he gets ‘upset’ over health issues and it will depend on which school he belongs to:-

      1. He is using the upset to manipulate and gain fuel ; or
      2. The impact on his idea of being impregnable means that a health issue make him feel less superior and infuriates him.

      1. Dorann says:

        Which is the type then that feels be is 40 instead of 67 which he is. Also do you think they change and maybe get worse as older? He told me his last gf of 10 years was a convenience. When I asked if I was he told me I’m anything but convenient.

      2. Tappan Zee says:

        How do they twist a health issue into making them superior and impregnable. Low MR most likely. It’s this weird badge of honor, like his issue is THE WORST EVER and all who do not bow down to kiss the ring of this health issue shall surely die. Or entertain his wrath. Dying is better. He brags about his imminent death and ill health. Goes on trips, clubbing, golfs, lives the life of leisure. Does not work. Due to his “health crisis” but for the love he looks like a guy off GQ, has seemingly unsustainable energy and never sleeps. Drinks plenty. It’s all such a contradiction. WHAT game is that? For pity. But it’s transparent AND contradictory to NPD, Ok wait, Working this out as I write. Could it also be a ruse of zero responsibility bc after all — he IS dying (not) for a prememptive plausiable deniability? How he got hoards of $$$ from ex wife and now sympathy post escape (mine). Long. Frustrating!

  6. Scout says:

    Excellent advice here, HG.
    Narcy’s still got stuff of mine but I’ve written it off. I’d rather have peace of mind and live without a few material possessions than give him any satisfaction of fuel or break NC.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Scout and it is often an astute move to do as you have evaluated. You win the battle by not engaging in battle.

      1. Scout says:

        Exactly. Thank you HG.

      2. HG….
        My narc took my sentimental Christmas ornaments of 40 plus years and my son’s also (not his son) of 20 plus years….
        As well as my children’s books. It’s been 2 years since I’ve been divorced. Am i ever going to see these items again?
        I asked him right after the divorce and he said he left them in the house.
        Of course he was lying. They weren’t there or i wouldn’t have asked him.
        I only asked him once as i could see i wasn’t getting anywhere and was only providing him fuel. Though it hurts greatly…ive written it off. Cant take it with you. What’s your opinion? Will i ever see these items?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You can make the request as explained, timing is critical.
          Thereafter your next step very much depends on who owns them. If the ornaments are yours, you can escalate the matter if you deem it worth doing.
          The ones which belong to your son are for him to make the request in respect of and then escalate.

          1. Its a dead issue. He claims he left them in the house when the judge kicked him out of my house. He didn’t though. If i ask him.. he’ll just say they were in the house when he left. Cant do nothing w it. It just makes me so sad every Christmas.
            Such a prick

  7. Ali says:

    yes, this is called “cut your losses”

    I am familiar with it: there are things he did not get to keep that were mine, but many he did. many bills he forced on me that he will never pay. He does not even pay child support. Joke is on him because we don’t need it. We’re doing just fine without him.

    His mother would be the one paying so he does not go to jail when there is money showing up anyway.

  8. malo says:

    Hi HG,
    I know you said no proxy request but is there any way to use one of his flying monkeys to get back something from my exNarc?
    My N was a Somatic, Lesser, Ping Pong. I was discarded after 3 years and he is now in the golden period with the other woman. I am full No Contact for 2 months and I really don’t want to contact him again. I am working at the same company with one of his “friends”. Can I use him to get the item back without having to direct contact him?
    Thank you 🙂

  9. Amynm101010 says:

    It is a bit too difficult for me to tell who, when and what stage my Ex Narc Greater is in with a Primary source. He has so many secondary sources on shelf that he rotates it is hard to tell who is who. When he does have a Primary, the devaluation phase comes so quickly, that they turn into a secondary source fast as fast as he sucked them in. I tried to be nice and pleasant. He offered to give me what I wanted, if I became apart of his harem and will ultimately give him more than what I asked for. I let him know that what I asked for was legally what he was required to do. He said that if i retained an attorney, he would turn me into the authorities and this and that would happen to me. When my attorney emailed him, the narc sent the authorities to me with a long list of accusations. Some were absolutely petty, some were serious but false. I then showed the authorities my proof that the accusations were wrong, yet showed them the evidence of his abuse. The Narc was so angry I didn’t get in trouble, had to do jail time, or drug rehab. That was his golden ticket. Now it’s on with the lawyers and complete no contact. I sort of wished that I never tried to be nice or asked him in the first place, and just made a third party deal with it all along.

  10. C★ says:

    my next step will be to implement this approach, though, accordingly, it seems like “timing” is everything and i do not have privy to that, since I am no contacted … please advise.. appreciate it!

    1. Again says:

      I’m not sure what type of N you are dealing with… I think I read Greater somewhere… anyway! Love this but I completely failed because he still have possessions held hostage. This is what happened.
      Post- escape I had tons of stuff at our house. Due to post traumatic stress when he implemented silent treatment and was cold as ice I used this method. A third party retrieved plenty but of course some items were either forgotten or hidden.
      While I got sicker I simply stopped caring for a while. When he finally opened up for communication again (1 year later) hell starterd. As I understand by this piece it was bad timing. First meeting (and only meeting) after one year was major Hoover time and lovebombing was on the agenda…. got some of the items but of course not “the” item. Then I applied a nice mail requesting more things…. promises were made but only if meeting in person (is love to see you). I now understand that accordingly a new target was found and worked at so instead of giving me my stuff … it was dragged out for months so He had a way back in. It went something like this … week 1. Nice mail conversation and request. Promise to meet and deliver following week. Week 2. He did not follow through due to work but “next week or weekend” week 3. I got angry and demanded a third party would take care of it … more new promises and nice conversation again. Week 4 major meltdown but still he very persuasive and want to meet… fast forward (hot and cold) … week 12 third party harassed and exposed and wounded him so delivery came via a company… BUT not all … I was punished and he basically stole items claiming they were his.
      So… calm period … NC… then it started again. I reached out and kindly asked for the remaining …. he was extremely happy to hear from me and the only way to finally get the items were if we’d meet. Promises … and hoovers … selfies..hugs and kisses (virtually) … wanting to meet at our fav restaurant … and still nothing.
      I got angry again .. suddenly one piece came by mail … not all …but “I really want to meet you” mail. Hoovers escalated to a point I thought he was back (you know the illusion) … but I had a gut feeling a new supply was installed. Found the evidence as the detective I . Exposed him and now silent treatment again. HE CAN KEEP the items!!!! Seriously mentally ill person. Golden period must not be so golden since the Hoover had escaled to the point it felt like a love bombing was near. I well he is exposed and hiding now.
      Lastly I needed him to delete something’s from the internet and I’ve made that clear for 6 mo …. he ignore it all and don’t even respond. So I go the legal way via the platform and get it removed.

      I’m back to NC and despite I’ve emailed him twice I still count my 1st month of NC… not once did I unblock nor peeked.

      So… my story … I’ve tried all the tricks but it seems timing is very critical …
      Analysis
      Timeline
      1. No new supply and refused/future faked to keep me hanging and on the shelf
      2. Exposed after massive wounding gave in to some items via delivery
      3. New supply is not working out as he planned (trouble in paradise) and willing to take me of the shelf … a close call but they probably made up and I was back on the self.
      4. Massive Hoover so trouble in paradise again
      5. I exposed him and now my fuel is gone as well as not willing ever to meet so he’s back to silent treatment

      My question is “WTF” happened? Ha ha.. crazy land!!!

      Conclusion
      I’m now being punished and put way back in the closet on the top shelf. He lost supreme fuel (I admit it… and angry at my self) and now is stuck with the new supply.
      No doubt he “knows” I will be back and begg for the last thing and holding it hostage for now.
      But this time I don’t care about the particular item (trust me women … you’d all want to get it back if you knew). I over it but my wounds are bleeding.
      No way in hell I will remove the blocking ever again so .. perhaps he has tried to reach me and I should not even care. It’s calm and I’m going to focus on my healing and forgiveness to my self for being such an idiot!!!

      Timing is all … but with this particular one it’s never a good time … or I should of not exposed him and waited until he devaluation was done? For some reason I believe my logic worked by it self when exposing and I put my self on the shelf. Or rather I’m not on a shelf (even that he believes that)… I’m gone for real this time.

      I’m wounded and bleeding … struggling and crying … a pile of ashes but soon I will rise again. No longer in the darkness now sick so I think Phoenix is back rather sooner than later.

      Loooong text but needed to vent a bit since it’s been crazy in loony town these passed couple of months.

      HG… did I get that right? Perhaps a chat?

      Saturday is here and I’ll be on the beach enjoying the last days of my annual vacation with friends and families.

      So… use HG for finding the exact timing so you don’t do all the misstakes I’ve made. Good luck and keep us posted on the progress.

    2. Matilda says:

      You could turn to the dark side for a while and employ some of the BS they usually use on us. Think of his main character traits, what’s important to him, what recently happened in his life that could be used, what he’s particularly vain about, and ‘spin the BS’ [love that phrase!] accordingly… the Speciality Hoovers come to mind! 😀

      But first of all, ask yourself if you really want to open this can of worms, if it’s worth it!

      1. C★ says:

        i prefer to maintain N/C, however, there are issues that will need to be addressed, as we are still legally “married”… already tried the divorce route…. he spent me down, wouldn’t comply, I gave up. but, he doesn’t want me either….he says he wants divorce, but won’t agree to settlements, legal procedure, etc (which doesn’t surprise me now after reading HG’s blog for 5 mo+) so for now, i am out of all but 6th sphere, there are legal issues yet & my hands are tied, so to speak…

      2. Matilda says:

        Oh, I see, C★. It’s difficult to cut legal ties, I can imagine. Perhaps, you might consult with HG (if you haven’t done so already) on how to get the ball rolling again. Where I live, one can get divorced without the husband’s consent, but it takes several years.

        Wise move to remain No Contact for the time being!

        1. C★ says:

          Believe me, if HG would provide legal advise, I would have had several private consults! N/C is my only card to play, for now…

      3. Matilda says:

        Understood, C★. Keep strong, the tide will be turning sooner or later! 🙂

  11. Nina says:

    How would you describe these 2 messages sent on the same day?

    “Just wanted to let you know that I have got rid of all remnants of you and our once was relationship by selling the engagement ring I bought for you for £47.00

    The money will come in handy for my holiday.

    As far as I’m concerned, you never existed….”

    “I know that I made some stupid mistakes when you were my Fiancée and for those I can only say that I was Stupid, Wrong and that I am truly, truly Sorry..!

    I cannot erase you from my mind.
    You are the true love of my life and the woman that I want to grow old and spend the rest of my life with, so could we please get together for a catch-up sometime on your conditions and wherever you want?”

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Right? Fuck off I love you.
      You are scum on my shoe.
      Can’t live without you. xoxo

  12. Nina says:

    Ahem, here goes… Dear HG, can you make a quiz to help identify the type if narc, I’ve read and watched your videos, but I’m still not sure what school the narc belongs to. The moment I think he his a lower, something makes me think he is an upper. I think you said that they cannot evolve, but the narc that was violent to begin with, now 3 years later exhibits upper narc qualities. Is my confusion normal. Can you help?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes. Use the consultation option.

    2. Amynm101010 says:

      Read his book Sitting Target on Amazon. It goes into more detail the narc types and the Empath types they target. His private consultations are worth their weight in gold as well

  13. Daddy Empath says:

    Wow!!!! I just read this Article, my narc ex wife has been hot and cold, so I told her we need to communicate through our family wizard from now on. Cold fury leading up to my visitation with my child. Silent treatment all week as well in violation of our divorce agreement. Read HG’s article how to make a request and the SHIT works! Got the response I wanted. I love that fact she doesn’t know what she is… Yes!!!!! Fuck makes my life easier

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Seize the power

      1. Daddy Empath says:

        How do I get past hot the cold, to make request?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hi Daddy Empath, I would need to have more detail about your personal situation to advise appropriately and therefore suggest you organise a consultation with me in this regard.

      2. Daddy Empath says:

        Hg, reading the article again. Please explain if the Narc is devaluing the embedded supply how might you make your request? Don’t want to mess it up

      3. Daddy Empath says:

        Will do! I think it’s time for us to have a one on one! She’s very confusing right now. And your the only person that makes sense out of my crazy life. Will do soon

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I look forward to doing so DE.

    2. C★ says:

      that is so good to know!

  14. Laurie says:

    And, most important, we will have retained our self respect, something entirely absent from all our prior dealings with you. Thanks for a great piece,HG.

  15. Matilda says:

    No material possession could ever be so important that I would BEG for it. Absolutely no way!

  16. Natalie says:

    Love this! I was able to retrieve the debt owed from my mid ranger by following many of these steps! While he did drag it out almost a year, I was able to t all the monies owed installments! Well worth the headache, my money was the most important.

  17. Insatiable Learner says:

    Excellent insight, as always, HG! Quick question if I may. Last time I spoke with the narc, he said he was doing very well. He has been with the new IPPS for over a year now, I was an intimate partner secondary. From his statement, I gather he is still in the golden period with the IPPS. Am I correct? Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Although one cannot say for certain IL based on a small snippet of information, the fact he was purely pleasant with you and made no attempt to lure you into anything more suggests that :-

      1. He remains in the golden period with the IPPS and therefore will not be unfaithful ; or
      2. He is not, but he has no interest in you as an IPSS any longer and was content to interact with you as an NISS.

      Option 1 is the more likely, but furnishing me with more information may alter that likelihood.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you very much, HG! I am much obliged to you! Sounds like a privat consult would help with better understanding. I will be scheduling one soon. Thanks again!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It will give you the answers you require IL, I look forward to speaking with you.

  18. KittyHasClaws says:

    Hey do u have any articles relating to the man child cry babies type of narcissist? You know the pussy type?

  19. MLA - Clarece says:

    Between No. 1 and No. 7, so much ass kissing. Ugh! I guess be prepared to continually wipe the brown off of your nose from doing it so much. If it is on the heels of having been discarded or devalued, I understand being civil but it’s also being fake and practically graveling.It is just feeding into the Narc’s ego. I get it. I’ve done it. You get more bees with honey than vinegar but still…hate that.

    1. abrokenwing says:

      Lovely picture Clarece ! And those eyes…

    2. I hear ya sister….

    3. J says:

      I hear and feel what you are saying completely. However, try to remember that the flattery is done for the sole purpose of staying off the radar. In essence, you are poisoning and curtailing the relationship by flattering. It allows you to slowly and subtly disappear from his view. An angry (but honest and accurate) response actually lengthens the relationship. It feels rotten, but it does work.

  20. Q says:

    I so wished I’d read this a year ago and used your assistance. I did everything wrong… and he exactly as you explain here. Last request I tried the polite way and since there seem to be a new supply installed I thought it would work… lastly I made sure my request was dealt with by the platform where something needed to be removed from. So my question is then of course how did this play out for the N? The fact that the refusal to acknowledge my request for over one year … had to be solved by reporting him and my last piece of pussle for closure is now in place! Did he get fuel? Did I make him angry? It’s a bit harsh when it’s for the whole world to see to that he abused a platform rule and outed as an ass!!! Hope it took long before it came to his attention and others saw it.
    I’m done.. got the result I wanted… he? Am I safe now? He still have the most valuable possession of mine held hostage and other bits and pieces… I guess I can expect Hoover attempts later on… but please try because I can not be reached.

    Brilliant piece and I will re-read this when I have doubt …

  21. Peaceful says:

    Hi HG. Did you write this for me? I met with narc today and requested the return of my items. He said they’re all packed into a suitcase. He will not ask his sister to put them out for pickup. Holding them hostage. He offered a trade for a 2008 bottle of Staglin he gave me for a bday after we visited the vineyard. I said no. He’s claiming he’s so sorry etc. going to his own counselor. Tried to Hoover me back into the formal relationship. Claims he’s not seeing anyone. He was a complete mess. Crying. Choking on his eggs, complaining of a cracked tooth. Has numbness in his hand. Wants me to come to Florida and get my things. It’s all so sad. I was as grey rock as I could be.

    If I draft a request, would you please help me with it?
    Thank you so much! Fantastic post!!!
    Peaceful.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Of course I will help. Please organise a consultation and I can provide you with the appropriate level of detailed assistance that way.

      1. Peaceful says:

        Greetings HG, I signed up for the consult. I await your instructions. Thank you!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have e-mailed you.

  22. E. B. says:

    This is very useful. Thank you. If we make a mistake, it is not easy to try another approach.

  23. Brian says:

    Oy Vey
    Very useful thanks

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