Perchance To Sleep




When I am first with you, I like to sit and look at you as you sleep. I like to see you lying there content, your arm draped across me as if checking that I am still there next to you. Your eyes are closed and your face is in a relaxed repose as I feel your chest gently rising against me. You look content, safe and loved. I wonder what you are dreaming about as a small smile plays about your lips. I often believe that it is me. The wonderful, incessant and perfect love that I furnish for you throughout your waking hours must surely continue when you are asleep. It must bleed into your sleep, percolate into your dreams and such is its all-pervasive power it makes you feel loved even when you are asleep. It is during these moments that I consider how I can continue to give you this perfect love that you rightly deserve. I can see what a good and decent person that you are. I feel the admiring love that you pour over me and I know it is genuine, I can tell a fraud at a hundred paces and you are no such thing. It is entirely understandable that you flow with this love for me, who would not when faced with being the object of my perfect love? I look down at you, your delicate features framed in the low lamp light that I have kept on in the bedroom solely for this purpose. You seem so fragile and vulnerable as you lie there, unaware that I am watching over you. I want to protect you; I want to shield you from the darkness that is out there and keep you safe. You deserve nothing less because you give me such a wonderful love in return and I must protect you. I must ensure that my investment remains cherished and loved. It is during these moments as I sit and look at you that I know I must truly love you. How can I not when I feel such a sense of responsibility over your well-being. Look at you; still, perfect and oblivious. Who could not fail to love someone like you? Who could not fail to have such a care for your well-being? Who could ever cause that beautiful face to frown and crease in bewildered pain? Who could cause a solitary tear to trickle from your eyes and spill down those flawless cheeks? I cannot bear to think about you being hurt, feeling sad and in pain. I feel a deep-seated desire to look after you, to keep the darkness from your door and ensure that you are always only ever happy and loved. This sense of being your guardian is strong. I feel anger at the thought of anybody lashing out and wounding you, someone causing this perfect creature to feel anguish, pain and concern. I lay a hand on your shoulder and you shift slightly in your sleep acknowledging this gentle gesture of protection. You face nudges against me as if you know what I am thinking and you feel safe and wanted.

Yet for all these thoughts I know that this is purely the way I am expected to think about you. This is how I should act in order to maintain the façade of our relationship so that you continue to give me what I want. I sit and wrestle with these thoughts. Are they genuine? Are they what I truly feel about you yet I know I do not. I know that the apparent abhorrence that I manufacture at the thought of you being hurt is purely an artifice because it will be me that eventually causes your hurt. It will be me that will twist that beautiful smile into a gash of despair. It will be me that makes that light voice become wracked with anxiety and pain. It will be my words that wound and my actions that scar. For all the tenderness that I apparently exhibit as I sit here now looking over you, I know, as sure as the world keeps turning and that the sun rises in the east, that I will be the one that will bring you to your knees. I will have you feeling exhausted, crazed and desperate and as I sit and recognise that I am the architect of your downfall I feel nothing. I feel no guilt, no despair or remorse because those things have been stripped from me. I was never made to experience those sensations and that is why I know I will do as I do to you, as I have to all the others before me and I will only feel one thing; power. That raw and visceral power which I must have. I am blessed with sufficient insight and intellect to know that what I do is wrong. I can see the tears in your eyes, hear your begging and see your hunched broken frame which tells me that you are hurting and I caused this. Yet for all of this understanding I am unwilling and unable to do anything about it because I am not forged with the desire or the tools to do so. This is what I am and better you remain asleep, oblivious to what is really looking down on you.

22 thoughts on “Perchance To Sleep

  1. shantily says:

    Do you have dreams HG? Do you remember your dreams? Someone’s asked this question in a group on Facebook “Do narcs dream?” Neither narc in allllll the years I knew them ever mentioned having a dream. Odd. I don’t know the answer. Thank you in advance

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No I do not have them, or if I do, I never remember.

      1. shantily says:

        Thank you I suspected they (my exes) didn’t have dreams either mmm I wonder if it’s a common thread ?

      2. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Interesting. The man I was involved with said the same thing… that he didn’t dream. But if he did, he couldn’t recall them.

        Oh, how I’d love to spend just one night inside that brain!

  2. ajo says:

    Mine liked to take pictures of me sleeping. Now I wonder if he liked that because I was most vulnerable that way. Creepy.

    1. Scout says:

      Oh that is creepy ajo. They are so devious. Mine once recorded my breathing to illustrate I snored ( he’d keep me awake with his heavy snoring which I complained about), except I wasn’t snoring; it was erratic breathing caused by asthma.
      What do you think he did with the photos?

  3. Lori says:

    I woke up several times to find him on top of me trying to be intimate. He told me a)he didn’t remember or b)He must have been dreaming and not knowing what he was doing

  4. I wonder if you think your relationships are sadomasochistic? Do you ever switch those roles back and forth? Where’s your latest book? Are you ever going to publish the final installment of the seduction series? Is there really a picture of you hidden in plain sight? Perhaps in one of the header photos? Are any of your family members names real? Did Fiona the neighbors wife, become Fiona your wife? It’s 4:16am. These are the things keeping me up at night. Jk. I gotta plane to catch and I’m not ready. Miss you HG. 💙

  5. p says:

    the dreams i have of him:
    1. I’m trying to keep up with him on the busy streets of Rome but lose him. exhausted, i sit down on the edge of the road next to an old man who points to the ground in front of a statue and it opens up to hell.
    2. He has moved and i visit him, he now lives in a rotting van in the woods but acts like he’s King.
    3. He lives on a decaying Pier that is sinking underwater. i want to help but he acts like nothing is wrong and i am the one who feels lost.

  6. p says:

    voyeurism is the need to steal intimacy. monsterboy would lie on top of me so i couldn’t move and scrutinise me in detail. especially if i just woke up. he’d also take pics and sound recordings when i was unaware.

  7. Star says:

    Beautifully written HG. Definitely a trigger for me tho. Makes me feel incredibly ill for reasons I can’t even bring myself to spill on here let alone let myself think of. But I do thank u so much for writing this:)

  8. jenna says:

    He said i make him feel so comfortable that he falls asleep while laying next to me. Then i would fall asleep. Those days… huh…
    I must remind myself that it was all fake😞

  9. MLA - Clarece says:

    Strangely, the questions running thru your mind about how could someone not love this person and want to shield them from the darkness in the world, this is also how a loving parent feels when they watch over the baby or child sleep. It makes me question if you are wondering why didn’t MatriNarc feel these sentiments towards you. Why didn’t she want to protect you? Why didn’t she shield you? Why couldn’t she say she loved you? Why couldn’t she try to love you? Why did she reject you emotionally? Why didn’t she feel protective over one of her biggest blessings?
    In those moments when you are looking over someone you are learning to care about, it seems as though you begin the process of feeling an attachment, but that’s when you know you’ll start to pull away. Such an inner war going on inside you.

  10. June says:

    Woah. Dark, twisted, and strangely beautiful. I really felt like I was in your head. Amazing piece of writing, HG. 🙂

  11. PhoenixRising says:

    Thank you, HG. This is exactly what I needed to read tonight as I sit here wrestling with myself yet again over whether or not I am about to end something toxic or single handedly ruin what might actually be a perfectly good friendship. I just wish it were easier for my heart to accept that my greater narc truly is what my brain knows he is. I have checked off all the boxes, yet I question myself because he has most everyone else fooled.

  12. Cjf says:

    I used to be hit while i was asleep. Started in first 6 months of marriage i woke up with bruising to my eye socket. This continued every 6-12 months for the next 22 years. As the devaluation/ discard started i was regularly hit while i was asleep until i started to wake up and see him glowering over me. When confronted about this i was told ” you were snoring i bounced so hard on the bed you felt like you were hit”. We had a memory foam mattress that doesn’t bounce. I took the acknowledgement that i felt like i was hit as a confession. Never hit me when i was awake, extreme covert passive aggressive narc.

    1. p says:

      that’s awful.

    2. p says:

      who cares whatever magical thinking they use to justify what is basically murderous behaviour.

  13. Snow White says:

    That was a very honest article HG. It brought tears to my eyes. I can feel you wanting to love and for everything to work out with the relationship.
    You have soo much awareness and you are getting closer. It just breaks my heart that you know all of that. All relationships don’t have to end that way for you. There has to be a way that you can be fueled with what you need and not sabatoge everything.

    That’s why I felt the love from my ex. I felt her protection, possessiveness, and wanting to be the one to take care of me. She didn’t want anyone to hurt me and she was the one who did. She knew how it would end just like you do. She referred to “the end” all the time and I never understood.

    I’m I really want you to win HG but not in the way you are used to. I want you to able to feel the love that you deserve. ❤️

  14. Karma says:

    Scary.. first night we slept together he said in the morning that he didn’t sleep.. just watched me all night because he was so in love!! After two years he didn’t sleep because of his inner dealings … finance started to take a toll on him and that I saw the flaws …
    Now he sleap next to someone else and even that I know I’m glad to be out … it hurts … hurts so much today!

  15. Scout says:

    Well, well, the times I woke up and found narcy staring down at me with a ‘loving’ warm smile… As you point out in your unique style, HG, all fabricated for effect. The more blogs of yours I read the more I realise that everything he did was a construct for his selfish needs.

  16. Fool me 1 Time says:

    HG if your victim is asleep then why are you feeling so protective? It is not something she can see! So then it can not be a mask to fool her. Is it you trying to desperately feel those protecting emotions? Perhaps as you are thinking is she the one?

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