A Question of Trust

A QUESTIONOF TRUST

 

We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,

“I like your shirt it suits you.”

You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.

People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.

You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.

By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.

Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade is just like a commodity.

When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.

27 thoughts on “A Question of Trust

  1. Abigail says:

    HG- So is someone telling you they don’t know how to trust possibly a red flag that they are a narcsissist?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is an indicator but not determinative.

  2. Susana says:

    HG – you have said that you don’t know how to trust people. My MR ex used to say the same thing. Have you written about how narcissists “trust” before?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well we don’t so there is nothing to write about how we trust!

  3. E. B. says:

    “You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty **offends you considerably**.”

    This is true. It hurts so much when I realize that people are taking advantage of me or that they have lied to me when they know that I was honest and did not do anything to harm them in any way. I wish I did not have those painful feelings at all so that I would be able to think clearly and apply logic, without emotions, like narcissists do.

    “We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust. ”

    Exactly. Some narcissists are good at mirroring other people. But now when someone looks me in the eye (actually, they switch from one eye to the other) when I am answering a question about something they want to know about me, I start to become suspicious.

    1. Jody Allen says:

      E.B.
      I feel your pain and sympathize with what you are going through. Having someone lie to your face is, without a doubt, one of the worst feelings. You’re dealings with others is above board, as there is no reason to lie to them. You know it and they know it. Yet, they will tell you what a liar you are. They are very aware of how insulting and hurtful they are being. ♡

      1. E. B. says:

        Thank you for your compassion, Jody Allen.

        Exactly, they do not believe me at all and imply I am lying to them. They also interrupt me and do not want to hear what I have to say. Not having the chance to speak, not being heard, not having a voice at all is one of the most painful things for me.

  4. jenna says:

    I trust pple too easily. I learned the hard way just last week not to do so in the future. They let me down. 😞

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi jenna…im the same way i trust and give the benefit of the doubt too easily. Im slowly changing that but its so foreign to me. I was way mire naive in my 20s and believed no one could be mean or evil.
      I trusted someone online that supposedly had gone thru narc abuse and only to be burned. I opened up to them fully to find out they were either a victim narc or someone with an overabundance of narc traits. They for no reason blocked me on facebook and i didnt see them till i came across them in people you may know recently. They obviously unblocked me for whatever reason but i dont care. They are someone i shouldve never trusted and i learned the hard way. Theyve since become a narc abuse life coach. Its opened my eyes to these people cashing in on consults who have no psychological training or credentials behind them. To be fair they did give me some good advice but a red flag was how they said if someone on their facebook or in life didnt keep up their interaction with them theyd delete them from their life. I found this to be very harsh and coming from someone not yet healed.
      Trust should be earned and ive given it away too freely.

      1. jenna says:

        Hi narcaffair,

        I’m sorry u had to go thru that. It is sad the person became a narc abuse life coach. We must not give our trust out so easily. I guess we learned the hard way. 😞

  5. Jody Allen says:

    Without a doubt I am too trusting to the point of being blind. I did not see any signs of cheating, as we were together every single day. I’m not saying there wasn’t opportunity, but I trusted that he was doing the “right” thing, just like I was. As painful as this whole process has been for me, I’m thankful that I was so blind. I do not want to know about any extracurricular activies. I think it would kill me. Why would I say that his cheating would be worse than any of the other things he did to break my trust? It’s kind of sick, really.
    Our dynamic was very different from anything I’ve ever experienced before (2 other Narcs in my life before him). At times I felt like a special project or a toy that he really enjoyed playing with..not just sexually, but on every level. Over time he managed to isolate both of us, friends no longer coming over, asking us to do things or go places. That’s when the physical abuse and the worst of the emotional abuse started happening. All centered around drinking. Even worse was when he would mix his benzo’s for sleep (he is totally addicted to) with alcohol. It was always swept under the rug the next day. Never spoken of, unless he managed to get me to engage in the ugliness the night before..Then the price I had to pay was very high. Complete groveling, complete submission, complete guilt until he decided I was to be forgiven and then service him “like a good girl”
    Funny how that just flowed out of me..I almost try to hide from those parts because then they become too real..I still cannot seem to put
    Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde in the same body. Perhaps with time this will happen.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      JODY A— #metoo 💯 ur story.

  6. Laurie says:

    The only way I can countenance such hideous behavior is to assume that fuel is to you what oxygen is to normal folks. Get some or die. Would this be accurate, HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        Could fuel ever be titrated to another source? Not to sound simpleton. Also, is emotional regulation possible as with BPD? A learned deal where it doesn’t escalate (by methods and techniques) learned and applied so while they are still there (emotions) they are not “on fire” or dictating behavior? Insert: choices. I get that NPD “seems” effective et al. and why would one want any recovery from such an effective (almost “elite” disorder with such convincing privilege.) BUT: Still curious.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          In effect there is titration through the establishment of the fuel matrix.

    2. Alexissmith2016 says:

      And when the Ns are high on oxygen, they’re saturating us with the copious amounts of carbon dioxide they exhale ! So we need to cut their oxygen supply 👊

  7. KP says:

    “You equate trust with the truth”… very true. Now I am not sure if I can trust anyone I don’t know very well. I was told that if you catch someone in a lie once, walk away… would you tend to agree with that statement? Have you ever been lied to or betrayed HG? Are you able to sense when someone is lying to you or do you not trust anyone? Do you have anyone you can fully trust in your life?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I can tell most of the time, yes.
      I do not trust anybody. I do not know how to.

  8. Wondering says:

    How does it make you feel if you know that we do not trust you? Aren’t you worried that we start seeing through the facade and join the dots together?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      For me, no.

      1. delanelevy says:

        my ex narc protected his lying cheating mistress why? he knew she was a liar and a cheater

  9. Eva says:

    I can distinctly remember mine repeatedly asking me if I trusted him at the beginning.
    “Oh, do you trust the most compulsive liar on the planet?”

  10. K says:

    When I was a child, I was a mean-nasty-cynical-little-delinquent and I was much happier. Empathy is nothing but a liability. Fuck trust!

  11. C★ says:

    I trust 3 people… Me, Myself & I.
    I wasn’t always this way, no, quite the opposite. I doubt i will ever trust again… maybe thats just the logical thing to do

    1. Indy says:

      Hi C*,

      We must know the same people. I like them too. Me, Myself and I always pay my bills, got my back, changes my tire on the car and will never gas light me.

      Them are good peeps!

      1. C★ says:

        lol… what is that saying, about great minds?

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