The Narcissistic Truths – No. 93

I MUSTCONTROLMYSURROUNDINGS

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39 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 93”

  1. About controlling one’s surroundings…it occurs to me how much control creating a website like this would provide. According to the disclaimer, this website’s original intended purpose was merely to provide insight into the POV of a narcissist. But besides doing that, HG expanded this to include being a kind of advisor or life coach, thereby directly influencing the lives of thousands of people across the world. And of course he’s greatly influencing how people understand narcissism in general by writing about his own observations of all varieties of the condition, including those vastly different from his own experience of it.

    Huh. Especially since the doctors are presumably reading these posts and using them in their research, I wonder if in 10 years at least some of HG’s classification systems and terminology will become part of the general body of knowledge about narcissism.

    And his reach grows wider all the time as more people find out about him. Um, I bow to thy mighty powers, oh Greater! šŸ˜€

  2. Love,
    it is not only because of the rape attempt. It is because he touched my mouth.Two things which are connected with threat. Both things together and the countdown starts.

  3. I have to add:
    If HG would do the “Hush” thing with me, I would take the next bottle or anything else I could reach and would smash it down on his head. He would wake up in a hospital. I would have no control about my own violence. Fight modus at once without control. It would remember me of the rape attempt and what helped in that situation? Pure violence.

    1. You would never be able to do something like that to me, your neck would be broken before you raised that bottle.

      1. In effect yes. Do you really think I would go to sleep where I recognised there was a potential threat?

      2. No, I know you weren’t implying that, but I do not get out in such a manner.

      3. Im sorry, “do not get out”, i do not understand… guess I’m having cognitive issues today, must be the weather

      4. Thank you for your polite answer. I appreciate it. Do not let us have sex with each other. We both need other kind of sex partners.We both would not survive it. I just see the headline at the boulevard press: “They loved each other until death.”

    2. Mona, I’m very sorry to read about your experience. I think the ‘Hush’ scenerio is a form of seduction. The person there is there willingly. It is not in the form of rape, where the women is being held against her will. There is eroticism and excitement in not knowing what is about to happen.

      1. Love,
        I know, but for me it would be another scenario. I would not recognise the erotic part of it. The only thing I would see would be the next attempt to rape me. There really could arise a misunderstanding of each other and then I would answer with a reflex…

      2. I’m sorry honey that you had to experience that. I hope you can enjoy yourself in the future and not allow that stupid person to ruin the beauty of your sexuality and new adventures.

  4. Hi Indy,
    thank you very much for your answer. I think I have to explain it a little bit better.

    Every situation in which you are helpless causes a trauma in my opinion.
    If I did not bite him in his finger I would have suffered a long time after that event. I could do something in that situation. I did not freeze. That is the main point.

    For example: I had an operation at childhood (polypi). They did not narcotize me enough and I woke up during the operation. I saw the doctor coming with the scalpel and I felt that scalpel in my mouth. I could not scream, I could not move, I could not do anything because of the narcotization. But I noticed everything. I wanted to stop them. See, I have the full awareness, please stop. I am afraid and so on.
    They did not stop. I even heard them talking about me.
    It was not painful, I have to say. But I was helpless and it was physical violence without pain. (It sounds contradictory, but it is not.) They had the full control over me.

    You don`t know how difficult it is for me to go to a doctor and open my mouth. I shiver. I have to take pills. It is the pure horror for me to go to a dentist, although it is never painful.

    If I must have an operation one day again, they will not be allowed for a “full” anaestesia. I need to talk during the operation to express my feelings, to stop them, if necessary. Trauma is based on defencelessness and a lack of control.

    Let us take a look at our situation:

    HG repeats his traumatic events again and again, identifying himself with the eternal perpetrator (in his private life). It is his way to get control about the traumatic events of the past.

    We repeat our traumatic events again and again, identifying with the eternal victim and use three ways:

    – to calm down the perpetrator
    – show him another way (try to heal him)
    – deny the cruel reality that perpetrators exist..

    It is our way to get control about the traumatic events of the past.

    All ways are wrong in my opinion, but I do not know which else way we can go .

    Maybe it is yours: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.”

    1. Wow Mona!
      What a horrible experience. Terrifying. Thank you for sharing and you make several brilliant points. Yes, when you have no control and cannot do anything this is definitely trauma inducing. I remember reading about that link when I learned about PTSD. Nicely described!

      I share your view about reinacting past traumas in the narcissistic dynamic.

      Now, there are some ways to reprocess traumatic events in specialized treatments that I have thought of trying, some have a decent reputation. Such as EMDR. With events like you experienced some folks have been able to reduce the flash backs and triggers. But, I have yet to try it myself so I cannot give a personal testimony. I have a crazy strong startle reflex that I have thought about working on in EMDR. Thete are other methods too. The serenity prayer works for me sometimes, but not for my autonomic responses.

      Thank you again for sharing and reminding me of that vital link!

  5. Narc affair, Sue, Indy and C,
    it is all true, what you have written here. It is the result of traumatic events.

    Narc affair, yes it is the safety blanket, nothing more to add.You are right.

    Indy, the traumatic events were so early and so deep down in the psyche of a narcissistic person , that they changed the whole personality of this individual so it is nearly impossible to cut all the knots inside of them, because these events formed the personality to become narcissistic.

    Sue, I have a workmate like yours. I know what happened to her, although she never spoke of it. I do not think, I am arrogant about this but it is so obvious (for me) when someone is able to read some signs.. She is very controlling and overreacting.

    C, I do not know, if your need to control comes from childhood or from the narc or the narcs you met. But it always seems to be the consequence of events that could not be controlled in the past.

    All I know, I begin to have the need to control men around me and I am sure that I did not have this need before.

    A long time ago someone tried to rape me. He choke me, but I was able to bite him in one of his fingers when he did not pay attention. I still have a little crack in one of my teeth and I still have a taste of his blood in my memory. I bit him down to his bone. It must have been very painful for him. He stopped and left. No damage for me, because in the end I had the control about the situation. And when I heard that a human bite is much more dangerous than a bite from a dog, I smiled. I believe he lost that finger. I hope so. Good memory for him not to rape a woman.

    Because I could change that bad situation to my own advantage, I am not afraid to go out at night. I am not gullible, I know that men are physical stronger than women but I know I have a chance to get out of a dangerous situation with a little help of some tools or some tricks that we can use. I learned these tricks afterwords to defend me.

    There is no trauma left and no fear.

    If you can get control over a situation, you do not experience something changing inside of you. It does not burden your presence or your future.

    There is only a feeling left I made it.

    But this relationship, I could not see the attacks against me, because I did not see the danger of psychological hurt until it was too late. That caused a trauma inside of me.

    1. Hi Mona… I can only speak for myself.. my need for control stems from my earliest memories at 3. I have spoken a bit prior of what I endured & don’t care to provide details… it is speculated I was D.I.D. at an early age for coping mechanisms, I had NO control over anything else… Fast forward and add to the mix over 30 years being married to 3 different NPDs….. Yes, I must be in control and so better off alone. However, I enjoy cities and large crowds (where out of my personal environment) and there is anonymity…. otherwise, i am “self” isolated

      1. Hi C,
        you do not have to tell your story again. It is enough that you know where your need comes from and that there have been very traumatic events in past.

        I wish you control about your life from now on and to find a way which makes you happy. I hope you find also a way to find other people who are not narcissistic! That must be the aim…

        Three narcs are much too much !

      2. I wish for the highs, the excitement and thrills & electricity of the Narc, but without a Narc! Is that even possible? we are magnets to each other, hence my self isolation…. at least I am “safe” for now…

    2. Hi Mona,

      That rape attempt sounded terrifying and I am so glad you were able to defend yourself! Yes, that was a trauma, an intense one, that would cause some people to be terrified and have symptoms of PTSD while others not so much. I am glad it did not do that to you.

      You said that this more recent relationship is causing trauma in you and it is psychological in nature with no visible wounds. I have heard this from others, which speaks to the severity of mental/emotional/psychological abuse. Physical is bad and can kill you, though psychological can do some serious damage as well.

      I was involved with a Lesser in my teens and early adulthood. He was aggressive and physically intimidating and made several threats to my life. When I left, I was naturally scared and it was traumatizing to be stalked by him. However, the more recent Mid-Ranger was not aggressive though was more intelligent and psychologically abusive. The gas lighting was intense and the affects were horrible.

      I am finally healing and figuring out my part in it all. An ex joked with me about the need for control. I am not a big control freak, though I do not like to be powerless when I see someone can do better…thus, I feel the urge to “control” someone else’s healing pace and such…

      When I first learned about co-dependency and learned the Serenity Prayer, I realized I had a control issue after all. You know that prayer?
      It starts like this:

      “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change”…

      Well…I would always accidentally say…”God grant me the power”…hahahaha

      I wanted the power…fuck serenity. Well, I am learning serenity is pretty cool. LOL

      I wish you well Mona and hope you are able to start the healing process. Glad you found this blog.

      Indy

  6. Wondering how this works career-wise? Many top notch Physicians are Narcissists – and they face unpredicatability each day that’s out of their control. Same with those in Law Enforcement careers. Each day for them is different, they never know what to expect.

    Any thoughts on this, HG?

    1. There is a difference between not knowing what to expect and still being able to exert control when the situation arises. I face that repeatedly during my professional work.

  7. This need, in my opinion of course, is the result from the chaos that the parents of narcissists created in their childhood where the parent’s reactions were not predictable and life was not predictable. It all rested on the whim of the narcissistic or toxic parent (like an addict, or mentally ill parent for example). Not sure what I will get today, cruel mother or content mother. Not sure if it will be a party or on lock down.

    I know living in that chaos created is anxiety provoking as ab adult. In addition, the control they try to exert over your reaction….Jesus, it is mind melting. As a child, it is like being a POW.

    This hyper-vigilance of one’s environment is just one sign of C-PTSD that many of those with NPD also show. I truly believe a lot of NPD is a result of developmental trauma combined with biologic seeds that can be triggered to blossom in certain environments.

  8. Great picture…

    I can pretty much always tell the level of abuse someone has endured by the amount of control That they are trying to exert.
    I met a woman where I work about 20 years ago and I immediately knew then, that she was subjected to something bad in her childhood. She was extremely controlling and domineering. We became friends. She one day confided in me that her Dad had sexually abused her from a child to a teenager. Her mother siding with the father when she tried to tell her.
    And I thought to myself …. there it is. šŸ˜ž

  9. Control is the narcs safety blanket. I was thinking about this today in regards to work. So many narcs ive known have struggled to keep a job due to not being able to take criticism or direction from others or the opposite where they are the authoritive boss and are tyrants. Bottom line is they have to control their environment at all costs even in the workplace.

  10. It is a lot of tension to control everything. I know you would disagree.

    But to control means to check the environment and the people around you or in the distance every minute . You have to check your mobile phone, you have to ask people, what other people said, you have to remind other people of your existence….

    Is there any time to relax?

    Without relaxation no real space for joy.

    I know, you do not feel those feelings, but it is not only a problem of your non-existing “feelings”, it is also a physical problem.

    Joy, happiness and feelings like that can only appear when there is some kind of relaxation too. They are only possible, when a person feels safe and relaxed.

    And you do not feel the stress behind your need for control, because you are used to it. The need to control blocks the possibility to feel joy physically.

    It is only an opinion, but it sounds logical.

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