You Are The Competition

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Should you ever ask certain people what the secret of their success is ,those asked may often reply,

“We are a partnership.”

This applies to a happily married couple, to a duo who run a burgeoning advertising agency, to the group of people who deliver excellent professional services and to the champion sportsmen and women. Think Lennon and McCartney, Laurel and Hardy, Abercrombie and Fitch, Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers , Bill and Ted, Batman and Robin and Marks and Spencer. Even those who might be regarded as having achieved their success as an individual will be keen to share the glory and attribute that their success has been as a consequence of a collaboration. The pro golfer who acknowledges his Masters win was down to a joint effort between him and his caddy. The formula one driver who thanks his pit team for their expertise and lightning fast tyre changes and refuels. The Olympic diving champion who thanks his father for all the support over the years in taking him to competitions and training.

The world is geared to encouraging collaboration and driving people to come together for the greater good. It wants people to co-operate, to work together, to support one another and share. It recognises that many things become better when they are combined, joined and complemented. Consider, for example phrases such as

“Two heads are better than one.”

“The more the merrier.”

“A problem shared is a problem halved.”

“Greater than the sum of its parts.”

Look around and everywhere you will see that the world believes that combining is desirable. Gin and tonic, burger and fries, ying and yang, fife and drum, the two Steves in a garage (Jobs and Wozniak), the Owl and the Pussycat and even M & Ms. The message is simple;  together we are better.

We hate it.

We do not want to share or pool our resources. What belongs to us always remains with us. We take from others. There is no sense in working together. Not only do we jealously guard what we regard as ours, we fail to see the benefit of partnership. It is an alien concept. If we are to work and live in tandem with others this means that we have to share. We have to share the attention, the credit, the congratulations, the workload and the burden. We find this offends us mightily. There is no sense in sharing the credit with you, that means there is less for us. Less credit equates to less fuel and those are words which strike a sense of dread into our being. Nor will we share the workload by helping, we will not even share by dividing our burden with you, so we each play a part in making the task or problem easier. No, we will dump the lot on you and divest ourselves of any burden whatsoever. Should you solve the problem having been left marooned with it by us and there is the scent of praise in the air, watch how quickly we return to claim it. Yes, the situation was resolved by our quick thinking in delegating to a particular colleague. It was our decisive behaviour and keen leadership qualities which saved the day as we elbow you aside and bask in the congratulatory comments from a higher-up.

Not only will we not work together or share, even in circumstances where normal people would expect that to happen, we regard you as our competition. A couple in a relationship are ordinarily expected to bring different things to the party, support one another, look out for the other, give and take and a fruitful partnership evolves to apparent mutual benefit. That is not the case with us, We regard you as only there to be our appliance and supply us with fuel. We are not designed to do things for you (unless we can see a greater benefit arising for us). You are the enemy. You are trying to hog the limelight that we need. You question us and seek to unseat us from our position of power. Oh yes, we know your game. When you dress up elegantly all you are trying to do is make us look less desirable and shift the focus of everyone’s attention at the party on to you and accordingly you deny us the attention we desperately want. By keeping fit and in shape you are wanting people to be drawn to you, rather than us. Furthermore, you are trying to heighten your desirability so that you can acquire a new partner and leave us. We already have you worked out. You sit and read a lot. We have sussed you out again, You are doing it in the hope that you can gain more knowledge and appear superior to us. You want to belittle us. You want to be able to defeat us in an argument and make us feel small. The cooking class you have signed up for is a ruse by you to demonstrate you are the better cook at home (even though we never do any cooking) but you want to show you are superior to us. Why are you doing this? We are meant to work together aren’t we? You keep doing all these things to try and outshine us, make us look bad and exceed our abilities and we hate this.

Of course we are perfectly entitled to do anything we like to show we are better than you because we are well, better than you. It is also legitimate on our part to keep you browbeaten and under our control. We must not have you competing with us in any way as otherwise you will take away the attention and admiration of others and in turn you will remove the fuel that we need. Like any successful and domineering business (and that is what we are, a business, one that is established for the detection and extraction of fuel) the competition must be diminished and extinguished. That means you.

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52 thoughts on “You Are The Competition”

  1. Oh. Now I see why he texted me “You Won”. We were playing a game. I just didn’t know I was playing. It was the most bizarre thing & it seemed so out of context with the reality of what had just happened. I’d been in a living hell for a couple of months. And, the last text from him was that? Wow.

  2. Ha Ha Narc Affair…. I don’t really care that much as it doesnt apply to me… but thx anyway!

  3. i still dont know what the intent was behind that name calling…. perhaps just a knee/jerk reaction, lol

  4. When I was first out with Narc – I was young and I would be chatting away to his friends and he would make a face at me – and I would wonder what it was I had done wrong. Had I said something wrong? Did I look stupid? Foolish? I look back and realise how jealous he was of me, my ability and my kindness was a fountain to drink from. He tried to steal my joy but I still have joy. He tried to stop me from living a life with my friends and family but he didn’t stop me. Now I look DOWN at him. Empty, old and unable to destroy me. I always knew he was weak. I never believed his lies. I don’t hate him, I pity him. I want still to be away from him – but he is like an oldest child of mine. No passion of course, but a feeling of some responsibility and a pity.

    This article reminds me of his youth. His attempts to do a takeover and trample my face into the dirt. He did not win.

  5. this particular piece just really resonates…. it speaks volumes to me and has caused me a relapse…. i am hating, I am pissed, i want to inflict injury, I want to shoot something, i want to kill… after reading this and remembering…. But, I, I will remain in control and not indulge…

      1. I actually went this afternoon and shot off a few hundred rounds. Now I’m deaf and can’t hear, lol my whole body is still vibrating…. i love the smell of guns and gunpowder…

      2. For the record, HG, I wasn’t referring to your age, in my comment, I was referring to the fact that Cordite has no smell, unlike gunpowder… I could see YOU preferring that…. no need for name calling…. i am “hurt goddess” now ;-(

      3. No the point I was making is that people often refer to the smell of cordite after firearms have been deployed, but it’s inaccurate since cordite hasn’t been used as a propellant for small arms since WW2, thus I was complimenting your reference to gunpowder.

      4. I love that expression. It sounds so British! Even when they slam you, it sounds nice. 😄 How I love the British.💜💜💜

      5. RS

        You made me laugh!! Try growing up here in a America speaking like them, and having an argument with your teacher because you spelled tyres incorrectly. I almost failed a class due to this. My grandfather fixed that problem, lol.

      6. what is a cheeky sod? please translate… thank you.. and side note, I would never intentionally slam you so if this is a “slam” as RS noted, why? and what does it mean? I have been called worse, i am sure

      7. Just watch coronation street and youll soon learn all the brit jargon 😄

  6. ha HA! what was once swagg became, “you look ridiculous”…. what? So i guess at one time I was the admired arm candy, then, became a perceived threat? WTF? I get it, now…

  7. Hi HG, My ex Narc is an entrepreneur and so is his IPPS. They both have Facebook sites for their respective businesses. She posts pictures of him and the both of them together at events and she promotes his business all the time. He has not posted anything about her business or any pictures of her on his business website. I believe this is because he sees her as the competition, he’s cheating and wants to make sure his story to the other fuel sources adds up (he’s unhappy in current relationship blah blah blah). This is a crystal clear sign of his narcissism…. right?

    1. Hello Parisgirl, his failure to post anything about her, assuming he is a narcissist, is based on his desire to keep her hidden from IPSSs that he is courting and yes, because he regards her business as competitive to his. Of course she MUST highlight his, but he has no obligation to promote hers. The behaviour is indicative of a narcissist, yes.

      1. Oh my HG, I forgot the triangulation! He is using his work Facebook to triangulate her and make her feel like crap. Do you agree?

  8. Do you think you could ever “find” a balance with anyone or will this competition always be such?

      1. I would have to agree with you on that.

        Have you always thought this?

        Thank you as always, HG!

      2. But for how long would that balance last do you think? Until they had their own desires, wishes, goals, dreams? Or would you find a way of creative spinning that in your favour too with or without telling them? I ask because I feel we had a balance at one point but he was/is not the most creative individual,not the most intelligent although not dumb he is quite lazy. So I would have to offer him up his win in something on a platter for him to ever see it. It was mind boggling after so many times, and eventually I stopped doing it for him because kind of not the most attractive thing to feel I have to do in a relationship with a man where I am and have been (believe to be anyway) in the more submissive feminine role. I mean, no problem stepping up and caring or fighting for something I believe in, but Christ I don’t want to wear the pants or worse be a damn mother either lol anyway sorry for aside of a bit of a rant.
        Thanks HG!

      3. ✤ this reply is for Twilight: I only say this because of HG stating “although it will largely be in my favour” …… that implies the see saw of balance will be tipped in his favor, not representing true balance…he will always have the upper hand….

      4. C⭐️

        thank you, I knew/know exactly what he means by things being largely in his favor.

      5. As long as you perceived it to be in your favor 😜

        If the other person is getting what they need then u have a mutually parasitic relationship…and everyone is happy.

      6. Dr Quinzel

        I believe he has discovered something….there is a 4th category of empath The Contagion. I am curious to what HG has written on this empath and the response it gets. I know in time it will be posted and my questions will be answered.
        What appears to be a parasitic relationship is actually a balance. Perspective.

      7. Dr Quinzel

        I am sure HG can answer that question, like I stated I am curious on what he has written. The accuracy of every other empath has been astonishing. So yes, he has my full attention

  9. Gin and tonic. . . my favorite drink. (only with the best gin and Fever-Tree tonic) To the rest I say – suck it up, buttercup!

  10. This is especially true with the female narcissists around me. Thursday night is Stitch & Bitch and whenever someone asked me a question about knitting, the Narc Knitter would butt in, talk loudly and authoritatively over me, and answer the question, and then she would make fun of the way I knitted. Just for the record: I knitted way better than she. And she chose garish colors!

  11. How sad to be unappreciative of others and not share in doings things that could, if embraced, bring closeness and happiness.

  12. And that is why all narcissist’s relationships fail bc its not a partnership it becomes competition. You cant hold anything together if your main focus is always on yourself.

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