The Doormat



The doormat. There it lies with a pleasant greeting of “welcome home” emblazoned upon it and all it gets is routinely overlooked and trampled on, but it never flinches, it never backs away from performing its function. Many of our victims find themselves regarded as doormats by our kind. Not only is this evidenced by the way that we regard you but it is also as a consequence of the way that we treat you. It is not those factors alone however that cause me to ascribe the label of Doormat to a particular appliance. Much of it comes from the thinking, attitude and mind set of the relevant victim. I have mentioned my sister, Rachael previously. Whereas I trod the path that has led me to where I am today, Rachael found herself becoming a doormat. She was routinely trampled on by all the members of our family and I watched and observed as we grew older as to how this manifested. As time progressed and with the increasing awareness that I have obtained, allied with the observations of the good doctors, I identified certain characteristics that she has which I have also seen in those who have been my primary source victims. I have concluded that whilst numerous of these victims have come close to being doormats, only three have actually achieved that status along with my sister.

Now, it is a mistake to think that a doormat would be regarded as weak. Naturally my kind think this but that is part of our mechanism for maintaining our superiority by pouring scorn on your traits and how they lead you to be treated. Those who are doormats exhibit a different kind of strength. They are weak in that they fail to assert themselves with sufficient emphasis to enable them to escape the worst of out treatment, but they possess a strength by virtue of those characteristics. To be able to have those characteristics and keep them, whilst being abused, ignored, trampled on and taken for granted, is perversely a form of strength and one which we welcome. We want appliances that will keep functioning, obeying us, pouring out the fuel and complying, without breaking down and malfunctioning the first time matters become rough. Finding a doormat amongst our victims is gratifying because it means that this person will not depart us, they have no desire to do so. It goes further however because they wish to stay not only for our reasons but for their own fulfilment as well. They pour fuel in our direction, remain subservient and compliant. What are the traits that constitute a doormat?

  1. The individual is sensitive and guilt-ridden.
  2. This person has learned to survive hostile environments by meeting our need for gratification. This first and foremost applies to the provision of fuel but it also goes further. The doormat will gratify us by allowing us to do what we want, recognises our need and right to do so, allows us to utilise whatever resources we see fit and caters for all of our needs in terms of fuel, trait provision and residual benefits.
  3. The doormat’s perception of love has become skewed. This person seeks love through the excessive accommodation of another’s needs. This may not just be us when we have attached them as a primary source to us, but in respect of other individuals. Those individuals may not be narcissistic but the doormat still wishes to accommodate the wishes of other people (something which of course irritates us and leads to conflict) because the doormat regards his or her role as one of accommodating everybody because then that means that they will be loved.
  4. The doormat simply gives too much. They do not take. They give of themselves on every level, from their emotions, their dedication, their time, their energy, their thoughts and their resources. They are impressively resourced in these matters and appear to have almost limitless time, energy etc. although eventually it becomes evident that they have not.
  5. The doormat does not feel safe unless he or she gives. If they perceive that they are taking they feel alarm and distress. If they are neither giving or taking they feel restless and out of their comfort zone. The need to provide and to give allows them to fulfil their role and in turns embodies a sense of safety for them. Once they begin to feel safe they will continue to give in order to remain in this safe place. This is why the doormat is drawn to our kind because we are takers and do so on a vast scale. We are made for the doormat and even though the doormat may not know what we are, their coupling with us, provides them with an innate sense of safety and security.
  6. The doormat must meet the emotional needs of the narcissist. We are empty. We are voids and your emotional attention, your fuel, needs to be poured into us. The doormat feels a need to ensure that those excessive emotional needs are met (although fails to realise that this can never be achieved) and therefore remains hooked and beholden to us in as the doormat tries to achieve the impossible. I have watched my sister continue to do this with Matrinarc.
  7. The doormat suffers low self-esteem but this is boosted by the success of the narcissist. My victims who were doormats found that their self-esteem was increased by my achievements and my accomplishments. I watched my sister gather her self-esteem from being linked to the achievements of MatriNarc, my father and me. This is a curious behaviour and is not unlike our stealing of traits from those around us in order to add them to our construct and in turn make us look better and more attractive. The doormat does not acquire the traits of our success but the fact we are successful and they are linked with us results in their self-esteem being increased.
  8. The doormat has a high tolerance to emotional abuse. The lashing out through heated fury and cold fury from our kind against the doormat causes the doormat to realise that the emotional need of our kind has increased. This signals to them that they must leap into action. They have a call of duty and rather than find the emotional abuse debilitating (at least at first) they regard it as a useful signal for them to do something in order to cater for it. However, all the doormat is doing is allowing a pressure to build up of this repeated emotional abuse. The doormat can tolerate it for longer than a standard victim but then there comes a point where the threshold is reached, the pressure can no longer be sustained and withheld and at that point there is a substantial and serious damaging effect on the doormat from the release of this pressure.
  9. The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.
  10. The doormat feels undeserving of being loved. They want to be loved for what they do, rather than for what they are. They regard themselves of fundamentally unworthy of love save when they are carrying out their role. With my sister I saw this with both my father and mother. My father emphasised how it was important to help others and my sister saw that as a clear signal to flagellate herself in catering to the needs of others and especially our kind. My sister also explained to me that in respect of MatriNarc that she never says that she is happy but that my sister knew MatriNarc was happy with her because of how my sister felt, namely devoid of guilt and valued because of her excessive giving. I regarded her thinking as deluded but I did not correct it, because it served my purposes as well.

Listen to ‘The Doormat’

16 thoughts on “The Doormat

  1. Dr Blabby says:

    I recently had a revelation after 15 yrs with a narcissist ( 10 of those married) I was the enabler – the one who felt the narcissist’s happiness was more important than mine. Having come from an abusive childhood – I was no stranger to bad behavior. My revelation? My husband proclaimed he had no respect fo me. I was shocked. Here was his wife – loyal, kind, giving, honest, trustworthy, etc. Could not understand why he would disrespect me!! Then the fog cleared. I WAS A DOORMAT and never spoke up for myself — every time he’d abuse me – and I allowed it – his opinion of me just got lower to the point of having systematically stealing my soul. He took everything else. Yes, I am a very strong woman. But as mentioned – even we have our breaking point.
    All the puzzle pieces fell into place – and I knew he would never treat me as the partner I so wanted and deserved. He kept proving he was superior to me ( in his mind) and made our marriage a competition – What a monumental wake up call. Always hoping he’d “give back” to me – believing his BS and empty promises….. while finally discovering he was nothing but a user – and I finally said to him.. ” I don’t blame you for disrespecting me. I wouldn’t respect a doormat either.”

  2. MastTrawler says:

    My god….you scare me, but thank you. You’re blog has helped me heal and validate what I’ve experienced with my narc. He was an elite like you. My eyes have been opened.

  3. Oops says:

    Spot on…I broke no contact and stayed the night with him twice. Have had nightmares since I left, but none when I stayed. I don’t understand that at all.

    1. MastTrawler says:

      Omgosh. I wonder why that is…my nightmares started after I went no contact too. It’s been 2 months.

      On a more positive note, my hair is starting to grow again from my bald spot. He really took me on for a ride.

      1. Oops says:

        My hair was falling out too. I’m still working through how to leave cold. Discussion last night…I was asked what I wanted from life, I screwed up and said love and kindness…he meant monetarily…that led to a 30 min. lecture on how I misuse and overuse toilet paper. (He hasn’t bought toilet paper in 5 years, I have) Yes, recurring argument.

  4. jenna says:

    I think i’m a doormat😞

  5. Mary says:

    Are any of your former primary sources more important to you than others? When you think about your former primary sources are they all interchangeable or do some have special significance to you? I am wondering because I am the only one my mid range ex has been engaged to. I have read all your books, been no contact and have changed jobs and houses. However, I feel like the fact that we were engaged makes me more likely to enter the 6th sphere despite being no contact for 130 days.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The primary source is the most important at the time. They are in effect interchangeable as a consequence of the governing needs at the time Mary. I can, now, however, look back and identify certain primary sources, which when viewed dispassionately following the effluxion of time, were superior to others.

      1. jenna says:

        When u say ‘superior’ do u mean in terms of fuel?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          In various ways.

          1. jenna says:

            In which other ways?

  6. Violet says:

    Your lack of empathy shows why you’d label a person a doormat. No insight about why. Do you really think people who act in this way don’t love themselves? Maybe it’s because they don’t know such a lack of humility exists in others and are simply trying to build cooperation with troubled people.
    They are being put in an unthinkable position. One that goes against all manner of “shoulds” when it comes to family, friendships or romances.
    Not care if you drop dead?
    Not at all?
    I still am in shock after not seeing my huge narc group for many years. It just seems so Lord of the Flies. So pathetically hopeless.

  7. Tappan Zee says:

    Nailed it. ✅

    The doormat feels guilt when catering for his or her needs and therefore almost* in a masochistic way will place themselves in the firing line once again with our kind in order to assuage this guilt.

  8. windstorm2 says:

    Every time I read this it amazes me how accurate it is. Every point describes me. I am a doormat and a damn good one! The only ones of the 10 points I would still change are 7 and 10. I have made great progress in overcoming them in the last 10 years or so, but deep down I still feel undeserving with low self esteem. I fear these are residual scars on my psyche that I must just live with.

    Otherwise, I do not let the negative name for what I am bother me. I am proud to give my time, my love, my cheer, my knowledge, etc. wherever I can. I feel like I am a conduit that pulls in energy from my environment and channels it where needed. I am not used or taken advantage of. I embrace my role and freely choose to be a “doormat.” I am “bien dans sa peau.”

  9. Lisa says:

    Many narcs will find doormats HG , and I’m sure you have also had doormats as partners as you mentioned , so if they suit the narcs purpose why lose the formal relationship with them ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See the article as to why you are devalued and then dis-engaged from.

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