Just The Way It Is



By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream along and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

13 thoughts on “Just The Way It Is

  1. malo says:

    Thank you for your reply HG!
    Yes. For example, do you ever have a favorite shirt (regardless price or design. Just because it feels good and comfortable)? Do you ever reminisce your old car when you buy a new one? Do you ever miss the “odor” of your old home if you move to a new place? etc.

    Also, are the colors in your house bright (like red or organge) or smooth?
    Thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Malo. I have particular clothes which I like because of the way they look which I know will lead to fuel. I do not reminisce about an old car, although I may recall events associated with that car which provide some Thought Fuel based on those events (for example driving to a fabulous country retreat and seeing the IPPSs reaction, or chasing after an idiotic driver and giving them some road rage and so on.) No I do not miss the scent of the old home. The colours in my house are tasteful. I would not state that the colours are bright though.

      1. malo says:

        Thanks so much HG for your reply!

  2. malo says:

    Hi HG,
    I would like to ask three questions please:
    1. This chase for the new appliance happens for all the other objects your life? I mean, your car, your house, your clothes, your watch, etc?
    2. After all these chases over the years, how “new” is a new appliance? I mean, since you look for specific traits in people, don’t you get bored from the similar attitudes of the new appliances?
    3. Are there colors in your house or is it something like a grey/white/black minimal studio or something else?
    Thank you
    (again, sorry for my english, I hope I make sense)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Malo,

      1. I don’t understand the question. Do you mean I pursue clothing, watches, houses as in always wanting new ones?
      2. No I do not.
      3. Yes there are some colours. It is very tidy, a place of lines and clear surfaces.

      1. malo says:

        Thank you for your reply HG!
        Yes. For example, do you ever have a favorite shirt (regardless price or design. Just because it feels good and comfortable)? Do you ever reminisce your old car when you buy a new one? Do you ever miss the “odor” of your old home if you move to a new place? etc.

        Also, are the colors in your house bright (like red or organge) or smooth?
        Thank you

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have shirts which are favoured because of their impact in drawing admiration for the purposes of gaining fuel. I do not reminisce about the car per se, I may well recall events associated with a particular vehicle and gain Thought Fuel from the process. No, I do not miss the fragrance of my old home (there are no odours in the Tudor Citadel) . The colours are tasteful, not garish.

  3. Violet says:

    Do you ever feel humiliated and/or embarrassed?

    1. HG Tudor says:


    2. narc affair says:

      Hi violet…thats a great question! Pun on great lol
      I know my narcs been embarressed in the past almost too much so. Like hes too hard on himself and cant make a mistake in public. He becomes down afterwards and dwells on it altho hed never admit to it.

  4. gabbanzobean says:

    “You were new and lovely and I couldn’t help myself”….


  5. Tappan Zee says:

    I find the metaphors so helpful.

    1. HG Tudor says:


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