The Narcissistic Truths – No. 109

behaviour

18 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 109

  1. VFH says:

    Hello HG, ive been pondering lots….can you shed any light on this behaviour thing for me please…i see it clearly now regarding my ex but one of my children has a pattern of behaviour where, if playing up (he’s 7), he can seem to do something knee-jerk and in the exact same instant looks shocked that he’s done it and apologises instantly. Like it was out if his control or something.

    Example – me disciplining him and whilst i’m talking he stuck his tongue out at me (never done before). It was like he caught himself doing it and didn’t mean me to see it….he barely stuck it out and the rest of his face didn’t change at all. He looked most surprised and apologised straight away. It was weird though and everything about the scene felt off kilter.
    There have been other instances where he genuinely seems to have no recollection of what it is that i take him to one side to discipline him about….other times he seems to totally get it and offers a heartfelt and genuine apology of his own volition.

    Sorry….i’m going on but thing is, I remember when i was a child, being told off for things i genuinely hadn’t done – or thought i hadnt done – but the evidence I was being presented with all pointed very much to me having done it and confused me hugely at the time. So much so that i still remember the events clearly and still can’t work out how/why it happened. I was also repeatedly told by those in authority “funny how it’s only you who thinks that” or “it cant always be someone elses fault can it?!” and often told i seemed to not care and was aloof….but i cared A LOT and my feelings were hurt easily.

    In my journey of healing from my ex, and having immersed myself in your site, i can see those people may well have been narcissists but i also genuinely wondered sometimes if i had a twin who had somehow infiltrated my life and did mean things which people thought was me! Such was the perplexing nature of reactions to me on occasion…..I still do experience this but hardly ever and try not to blame myself unecessarily anymore. I can also spot a narc in the wings triangulating etc. This recognition is in no small part thanks to you as well as a brilliant therapist.

    BUT….now i find myself a mother seeing similar events unfolding with one of my own and thinking things about my son that were once said to me (how can it always be someone elses fault etc.)

    At times i question is it me afterall then? Am i that unaware of myself that i behaved in a way that deserved those reactions but i didnt even realise it? Those people can’t all have been narcs, can they??

    I have traits that echo narcissistic ones but had put these down to a combination of only child syndrome x busy stretched mother x emotionally abusive marriage (that i didnt see until free from it).

    But the self doubt remains. Am i healing or am i at fault? And its my interaction with my children who now highlight this for me. Am i making one child a scapegoat and another golden? Do i discard people who “wrong me” when i previously thought i just backed off because i wasn’t confident / equipped to deal with the situation any other way?

    Does this resonate with anyone else out there?

    HG – slightly dreading your evaluation if you are able to offer one, but keen to hear it nonetheless…..

  2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Today is the last day…
    that I’m using words
    they’ve gone out
    lost their meaning
    don’t function anymore

    …words are useless
    especially sentences
    they don’t stand for anything
    how could they explain how I feel

  3. jenna says:

    Wait a minute! How can we rely on behavior to be the truth when all you are doing is mirroring us?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Think about it.

      1. jenna says:

        I guess we shud concentrate on behavior during deval and mask slippage? Lol, ‘mask slippage’, i just made myself laugh!

  4. jenna says:

    Hmmm… but his behavior was so kind in person, when he wud decide to show up that is 😖
    While texting though (words), he was more aggressive.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Hey Jenna!
      I’ve often noticed that too, and not just with narcs. I think people often feel freer to type what they really think, whereas if you’re actually with them, they worry more about having to deal with your reaction. A truly empathic person will be the same toward you in either situation. Midrange narcs are often different in text than in person, though. I always thought it was cowardly and showed their lack of confidence.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Hi Windstorm2, my experience with a mid-ranger was that he was a lot more loving in texts/ emails than in person.

        1. windstorm2 says:

          Insatiable learner
          I’m just going on my experience. I’ve known people who could write out lots about their feelings, but could never say them in person. I’m one of those! 😀. In my case that’s still caused by fear of the other persons reaction and having to deal with it – lack of confidence.

          The narc I was thinking about when I wrote before seemed afraid to say anything confrontational in person, but he could text it. I figured that was because he felt uncomfortable confronting me directly.

          1. jenna says:

            Windstorm, exactly the same with my ex mid ranger.

      2. jenna says:

        Nice observation windstorm! 💗

      3. jenna says:

        Thx for ur input insatiable learner!

  5. Lydia says:

    The behaviors of a narc shows just how much they despise you, but their words speak of love. Always pay attention to the behavior NEVER the words. Lesson learned… the hard way.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      Good insight, Lydia.

  6. Snow White says:

    I should have paid more attention to the actions and the repeated behavior. It was all there for me.

  7. narc affair says:

    Exactly words come too easily actions speak louder!

    1. shantily says:

      Hey NA I actually LOL’d at this truth thinking …mmmm yeah I fell for mostly words … how many times did I get his flowery sickly sweet texts from him during the day only to meet with him in person …flat grumpy vacant… he’d say I couldn’t wait to see you or whatever bullshit line… then fail to live up .. to be fair I’ll say this happened often but not always .. hence the hook …that keeps the fish on the line

  8. windstorm2 says:

    Ha, ha! I thought it was the other way round! You know, “Do like I say, not like I do.” That was a big saying in my mother’s family.

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