7 Sorrows

7

1. I am sorry I went away.

You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.

2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.

3. I am sorry that I hit you.

You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.

4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.

If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.

5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.

6. I am sorry I am not a better person.

I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.

7. I am sorry for myself.

At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.

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14 thoughts on “7 Sorrows”

  1. Dear HG

    This is a good letter. Thank you. I am going to figure out how to. Print this FM my phone.

    When I “saw” the movie, Platoon, I realized when it was over, that I hadn’t followed the plot at all. Why? The emotion was what I felt.

    I was unable to “turn the channel ” as I said,. I didn’t even realize till the end of the movie, that it had happened.

    So. You give me a puzzle piece which, as usual, resonates.

    Hoping for a reply., Sincerely,

    Pam B

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  2. Hello Sir HG Tudor. You left one out. #8 Should be: Sorry that I was born and made you into ‘My’ Worst ‘Nightmare’!

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  3. This is where the apology is abused and watered down and means zip. Thank you, narcissists of the world, for bruising and honing my trust.

    I also know I believe this fully:

    “We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.” –Thomas Moore

    I will take this risk, for the beauty that exists. The beauty that Thomas Moore speaks of, in the simple moment.

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  4. Thank You. Now why couldn’t you explain all that at the time? Because I was asking you to I suppose. You had to do it when it suited you, not me.

    Well I’ve worked it all out for myself now (with a little help from an unexpected source) but still, better late than never. It even includes self awareness and, therefore, responsibility.

    I’ll happily leave you to continue on your merry way to rinse and repeat elsewhere. I wish you well and hope the others caught in your wake survive to tell their tale and spread enlightenment too.

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  5. You forgot, “But I was sure you were faking your illness, just to inconvenience me. If I had known you were really sick, I would have done better at feigning concern, the way I do for my lieutenants and harpies. But let’s not dwell on that. I’ve already apologized. Besides, it’s your fault for making a big deal when you have a relatively minor illness, just because you’re running a fever of 102.5 farenheit, with all that irritating moaning. How was I to know that this was a major illness? Next time, make your behavior clearer.”

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  6. Sorry I believed you! I don’t anymore and as a matter a fact the NC finally feels ok and I’m relaxed. I’m content with not having anything to do with him … no more lies or crazy making. I’m free …

    I forgive him only to be able to be completely free… but never will forget or have any contact what so ever. It’s been a few months but I believe NC is finally working. So I forgive …. but I know it’s all lies ..

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  7. Thank you for writing. It’s really so amazing how exactly you describe the experience, There’s only one part that’s not always right, which is some of us do heal and aren’t left with a broken heart and shattered dreams forever, but rather grow better lives and real love. My ex broke me down for a long time, but then through that I became stronger than I’ve ever been. It was the worst and best slap of reality. I hope the people who read your words absorb them. I commend you for putting yourself out there, I believe you make a difference.

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