Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person?

WHY DOES HE SEEMLIKE A DIFFERENTPERSON_

 

It is accurate to state that we operate in three essential states. There are varying degrees within those states, differing levels of intensity which are affected by factors such as the type of narcissist that we are, what we require from you, the level of empathic individual you are as well as several others. Nevertheless, there are three basic states. The first, as you would expect, is the golden setting. We are at our most wonderful, most brilliant and most loving when in this state. This always appears during our seduction of you and we will reinstate it from time to time and often when we hoover you in order to suck you back in and keep you hanging on to us. The second is the dark setting when we instigate our devaluation of you. This dark setting allows us to deploy our various machinations against you, a variety of different of manipulations as the abuse begins and we make your life particularly unpleasant. This requires effort and energy on our part and whilst we will be rewarded with fuel, a certain degree of application is required to use these manipulations against you. When we unveil our dark setting it is upsetting and confusing but often you will find some reason to explain our behaviour. It is usually the wrong reason but you will find one nevertheless as you like to understand and have a reason to explain why someone is behaving in a certain way towards you – you decide we are stressed, tired, hungover, in need of affection or perhaps you are unduly harsh on yourselves so that you, in that usual empathic manner, blame yourself for the behaviour we have meted out against you. Perhaps you did not listen when you ought to have done, perhaps you should have realised that we wanted to go out tonight, or that we would not want chicken for a second time this week.

There is a third setting and this often proves more confusing that our unpleasant dark setting. This setting might be regarded as a neutral setting, somewhere between the golden and the dark, but it is not. This setting is on the road to the dark setting and is closer to that than the golden. This particular setting is the stranger setting.

There will be times when we do not wish to apply considerable energy to our continued devaluation of you, but the devaluation must continue. It may not be as harsh, since there is no shouting, no violence, no insults and such like. It is not the golden period because we show no affection, we do not do things for you and we do not exhibit any of the charm that once flowed so readily from us. During this stranger setting we are neither wonderful nor awful but we behave like someone who doesn’t really know you and you are certainly left feeling like you are dealing with somebody else.

If you telephone us we will not dole out a silent treatment and ignore your repeated calls. We will not answer in less than a ring and speak to you with affection and enthusiasm, instead we answer and engage in a monosyllabic conversation. It is like drawing teeth. We confirm that nothing is wrong and you may think there is but we have not responded angrily or harshly. We have not accused you of anything, we have not labelled you in some way but the conversation is flat. It is as if our personality, whether golden or dark has vanished and left almost an automaton in its place. We function, we talk about our day but with little detail and certainly no enthusiasm. We ask questions of you but they are polite and perfunctory as if we are just going through the motions. There is no nastiness, no backbiting or sneering. It is difficult to process because it is not nothing, that cannot be the case because we are talking to you, but it feels like nothing.

We may call around to see you but it feels like an inspector has called around. We sit, we decline a drink that you offer us and we answer your questions without offering you anything much in return. Where has the charmer gone? Where has the monster gone? Who is this stranger that looks like us, sounds like us but is not behaving like us? You cannot accuse us of being unpleasant but it feels unpleasant because you are dealing with someone you do not recognise. Any questions about what is wrong with us are politely answered and you are assured there is not a problem, but we seem lifeless. You flatter us, compliment us and whilst we accept them there is no spark of interest, there is no response.

Why are we like this? Why is this being done? Why do we seem like someone else? It is as if we have been abducted by aliens in the night and replaced with a robot which is neither wonderful nor savage but is frustratingly something else. This third setting occurs during the devaluation period. It is not a respite from devaluation as that is the golden setting once more. It is clearly not the dark setting as that is the rolling out of nastiness and abuse. This third setting is an indicator of the calm before the storm. Whilst there are occasions where we might switch from golden to dark setting in the blink of an eye, this third setting is used when we wish to conserve energy in readiness for unleashing a particular savage next stage in the devaluation as we will move to the dark setting and crank it up to eleven. You are not cruising along being driven by fair winds, nor are you being thrown up and down buffeted by a storm, instead you are becalmed or moved along by a weak breeze. This is the time we are girding our loins, gathering information and plotting. The switch of functions to the organisation and scheming of what is to come, along with the intense outpouring of energy required to sustain the vicious intensifying of this devaluation means we adopt this near automatic state. You may not ever see this happen dependent on the nature of the narcissist you have become entangled with, but when you do, you should be aware that a storm is brewing and not just any old storm but a supercell storm of savage and damaging proportions. This is a warning.

11 thoughts on “Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person?

  1. Lisa says:

    So what happens when one escapes before the storm HG? When one gets the F U attitude…politely of course…

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Then see How No Contact Feels Parts One to Three.

      1. Lisa says:

        Thanks HG. I shall re-read…

  2. Nia says:

    Hello HG,
    I found your blog and videos a few days ago, thank you for what you’re doing.

    Its been about 13 years since I suspected narcissism was the problem in my marriage, and 8 years since I managed to completely escape. Even though I had learned a lot and thought I knew what I was dealing with, it in no way prepared me for what I went through. We have a daughter, there was property, so I lived through a nightmare which stretched on for years, it felt like he was trying to destroy me and nothing was safe from being used for his agenda, not even his own daughter. I still haven’t recovered from the ordeal, neither the abusive marriage or what I went through trying to get free while protecting our daughter.

    Up until a few days ago, I was still confused, unable to resolve things in my mind, with an ongoing sense that I still needed some kind of closure. Why? Why did this happen? Was there anything I could have done different?

    Even though I’ve been NC for over 10 years, there has been this nagging doubt, a feeling I need to talk with him to try and get some questions answered, all the while knowing this would be putting myself back in danger. But how else could I ever really know what happened. How can the victims of your kind ever really get closure and move on?

    But then you came along…. and now I have access to that closure. I’ve recognized my ex-husband in almost everything I’ve read or listened to. It’s amazing just how accurate some of this is. Like as if you all took the same course and learned the same techniques.

    This post in particular is helping me understand why I still have PTSD, even though I’ve been alone all this time. I was programed by a cycle of changing personalities like you describe. Fear that something bad is about to happen has been etched deeply into my psyche. There is a tiger around every corner and it chooses the quietest moment to pounce. I learned to never let my guard down, my nervous system was wired to become hyper vigilant, always on the lookout for what I might be doing wrong, what will be the next mistake I make, always asking myself if what I’m doing will please him or displease him and never knowing for certain because the requirements kept changing. But there were always reasons and it was always my fault and I should have known and there was something terribly wrong with me because I didn’t.

    Your phrase ‘the calm before the storm’ sent a chill down my spine and I actually started shaking. The period of ‘non-engagement’ often preceded some kind of explosion which brought my world crashing down in one way or another. This pattern is obvious now, not so much at the time.

    I grew up with a mid-range Father and then married a low end greater. Your categories are extremely helpful. I knew there were similarities between my husband and father, but there were differences, so doubts remained and added to my ongoing confusion. I’m fairly certain my ex-husband knows what he is, but my dad doesn’t have a clue.

    I’m guessing you have categories for us victims, but haven’t found those yet.

    I’ve got so many questions, but wouldn’t know where to start, so I will just keep reading and listening.

    Once again, thank you so much for what you are doing, regardless of your personal motives, I think you are saving lives.

  3. gabbanzobean says:

    Holy hell. Yep. No charm or loving show. No nasty hateful vitriol. Just…indifference. Robotic. but he’s like that with “everyone” because he is so depressed!! Depressed at his guilt and inadequate feelings in life.(so he says). That’s his excuse. I still continue to wait for my nasty devaluation to come. I got my hoover(s) already. I’m still waiting for that final nastiness to keep reaffirming what he is. He’s my little science project now.

  4. WhereIsGod says:

    Well written and very much my experience. Especially the flat interactions. Amazing..”If you telephone us we will not dole out a silent treatment and ignore your repeated calls. We will not answer in less than a ring and speak to you with affection and enthusiasm, instead we answer and engage in a monosyllabic conversation. It is like drawing teeth. We confirm that nothing is wrong and you may think there is but we have not responded angrily or harshly. We have not accused you of anything, we have not labelled you in some way but the conversation is flat. It is as if our personality, whether golden or dark has vanished and left almost an automaton in its place. We function, we talk about our day but with little detail and certainly no enthusiasm. We ask questions of you but they are polite and perfunctory as if we are just going through the motions. There is no nastiness, no backbiting or sneering. It is difficult to process because it is not nothing, that cannot be the case because we are talking to you, but it feels like nothing.”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  5. Alexissmith2016 says:

    Hello HG

    Love this article. It is so horrible and almost worse than when devaluation is full on. I experienced this with the original MN during devaluation.

    But what of the golden period ? So this new N has done this just recently. He’s not getting what he wants from me from the golden period. Though Of course he thinks he can. So why would he use this behaviour at this juncture ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi Alexis. I understand your question to be , “The current N is not getting what he wants from the golden period so he has entered the Stranger Zone, why is this?” If you are the IPPS, devaluation has commenced. If you are an IPSS, this is part of a Corrective Devaluation to get you to come back into line.

  6. K says:

    The stranger period was my Welcome Mat to Hell. As soon as I told him I was pregnant a light switch went off, Poof! He was like a complete stranger for 9 months. During the following 6 years I would travel through all 9 circles of Hell. God, I hate that fucker! I would love to feed him through a meat grinder, make narc sausages, grill ’em up and feed them to the Devil himself! (mild rage)

  7. jenna says:

    I know the 3rd zombie like state. Fortunately, it was not too often. And when i complained abt it, he said he won’t do it next time, and he didn’t.

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