The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 2



A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

‘Let him go but tell him you will always be there for him.’

I have seen this advice given when an individual has been entangled with our kind. The victim has endured the push and pull behaviour of being told that they are not good enough for us as they suffer the devaluation. They cling on and then a Respite Period occurs. Thus they think that their indefatigable approach has caused the return of the golden period. Ultimately, its return is down to us and our decision and not about what you have done. It might be that an external source, such as an Intimate Partner Secondary Source has infuriated us and therefore they have been devalued and therefore to create the contrast, we have given you the golden period again through the imposition of a Golden Period. You might have done something especially impressive through the provision of positive fuel to cause it to return as you have outfuelled your (unknown) rival or rivals. Whatever it was, the decision is down to us.

Accordingly, this on then off, this push then pull, this up and down, in and out behaviour has left a victim totally puzzled as to what is going on. The narcissist may have said such things as

“This is not working, I need space.”

“Perhaps if we have time apart this will bring us closer together again.”

“I need space to clear my thoughts.”

“You are putting me under pressure and I do not need it, just give me room.”

All of these comments are issued as part of the ongoing manipulation to confuse you. Yesterday we went for a wonderful picnic with you and today we are talking about needing space. You do not understand. What has changed? From your perspective nothing has. From ours, it is the switching nature of our perspective whereby we feel the need to exert control over you and gain fuel from you. Yesterday we thought it would look good for the façade to spend time with you and the children and you all gave me positive fuel. It was a good day. First thing this morning, the Candidate IPSS left me a glowing and admiring voicemail which shifted my attention on to them and reminded me why you have irritated and annoyed me. She is white, you have been painted black again and when you tried to hug me this morning, seeking to capitalise on yesterday’s delightful day, you were rebuffed and chastised for smothering me. You recoiled, hurt and confused. Pushed away again after having been pulled in.

After months of this you speak to a well-meaning friend, seek the advice of some supposed relationship expert and you convey your misery, the uncertainty and how often we have talked about splitting up and spending time apart. This advisor listens and fails to recognise the behaviour of our kind and what is behind it. They attribute it to someone who is failing to value you (which is correct) but they do not grasp the real reason behind such behaviour. You have fallen into the victim’s trap of trying to find a reason to explain this behaviour through either the influence of an external agent or in common with your capacity to self-flagellate, your own apparent shortcomings. Between the two of you, you conclude that the position at work and a recent bereavement have resulted in this confusion, this failure to identify priorities with you and your advisor suggests that giving us the often spoken about space would be advantageous.

“Show him that you will give him what he keeps saying that he needs but also let him know that he continues to have your love and support. Let him know that you are there for him when he needs you but you are going to help him by giving him the space that he requires to get his head together. He will get what he needs, value your support and then realise just how much he wants and needs you,” the advisor explains.

So, feeling reassured by these apparently sagacious words and the detailed conversations you have had with this advisor, you tell us that you are going to let us go, but that you will always be there for us.

Bad move.

Of course you will always be there for us.  We expect that already. It is the central feature of the Narcissistic Relationship, that you belong to us. You are only telling us something which we know anyway.

What we actually hear when you say this sentence, or something similar to it, is not that you are trying to do what we want. We do not hear that you are trying to accord with what we desire, no matter how much you would rather not do so. We fail to recognise this act of sacrifice on your part. Why? Because as ever we are far too concerned for ourselves. What we hear is that you are trying to escape us.

It does not matter that we have been the ones who have threatened to leave, that we have repeatedly told you to back off, leave us alone, give us space, that we are thinking of going, leaving, separating or however we decide to describe it. No, that is irrelevant and of course we will twist and deflect to ever deny we said those things (you made us do it of course because it is YOUR fault).

We hear you saying you are leaving us. You are escaping. You as our IPPS are about to cut off the supply of our precious fuel and this fills us with horror at this prospect. Your words wound us and accordingly we react through the ignition of our fury. You are criticising us (according to our perspective) and therefore this wounds us. Our self-defence mechanism kicks in and our fury ignites. How this manifests varies dependent on the type of narcissist you are dealing with. You may be shouted at, attacked, emotionally black-mailed, we may burst into tears (crying for ourselves of course – not you and not the death of the Formal Relationship) or we engage in charm and threat to halt your intended departure. (You can read more about how we react to being told that you are ‘escaping’ in   How No Contact Feels – Part One  How No Contact Feels Part – Two  and  How No Contact Feels – Part Three ).

This supposedly kind and charitable act on your part will be met with an attempt to stop you leaving. This will both confuse and relieve you. You will undoubtedly remain, as you never really wanted to allow this cessation for the provision of space in the first place and you will confirm to us that you do not want it to end. You will reassure and in so doing provide fuel. We will appear pleased, relieved and so forth and of course we do not want to lose our primary source of fuel. At least, not until we are ready to dis-engage.

Do not think that your kindness and consideration will be met with approval thereafter however. Your attempt will be thrown back in your face as evidence of your treachery (and do not even think about suggesting you were only doing what we want) and you will be punished for this traitorous behaviour through the continuance of the devaluation and the imposition of greater nastiness. Your confusion will return. You tried to do the right thing and your advisor suggested this was the right thing to do and look what happened. This is, of course, because nobody has identified what you have entangled with nor understood how we behave.

You are bewildered, perplexed and miserable again.

Do we want you or do we not want you?

Of course not.

We want your fuel.


25 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 2

  1. Scout says:

    We are isolated for the duration of the formal relationship because no-one understands what we are going through, then we are isolated again after dis-engagement, because no-one understands what we have been through.

    1. windstorm2 says:

      True, Scout

    2. ANK says:

      So true Scout 😞

  2. robins359 says:

    “You are putting me under pressure and I do not need it, just give me room.”

    This made me laugh! “It” was telling me that the reason he couldn’t text me while driving any more was because they had to keep a record of every minute they spend on the road. He couldn’t even take more than a minute over his 30 minute lunch break, blah, blah, blah! He said “Apria drivers could quite possibly be under more pressure than anyone in the country right now.” THAT made coffee come out of my nose. He used to text me non-stop, in fact, once he had me come directly home after work and his truck was outside my house. We fucked like rabbits and he said “there you go, I just got paid for fucking you!”. Back to my reply to Apria drivers being under so much stress. . . I told him “I highly doubt that an APRIA driver is under more pressure than anyone else in the country. I think you need to put things into perspective!” I got the silent treatment for 9 months. LOL

  3. mistynolan01 says:

    Twisted. Just twisted.

  4. gabbanzobean says:

    Well I’m an idiot then. I said those very exact words SO MANY TIMES. “I will leave you alone but know that I love you and am always here for you”….

    Urrrrgghh. 😕

    But he’s still always been so polite and charming and not nasty or thinking I’m “traitorous”. Then again I was DLS.

    1. 12345 says:

      Don’t feel bad. I once sent the song “ain’t no mountain high enough” by Diana Ross after I was discarded. Talk about stupid.

      1. robins359 says:

        It can’t be as stupid as me sending him “I will always love you” by Dolly Parton, after he gave me the silent treatment for the 10th time! Geez! 😛

        1. 12345 says:

          That is awesome😂😂😂 What else can we do but laugh😂

          1. robins359 says:

            And laugh we do! Now that HG has put us straight about all their shenanigans, we actually CAN laugh now. Thank you HG! 😉

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi gabbs…mines always been charming and has never directly said anything mean to me but i know he thinks me traitorous and how do i know? Bc of his devaluement that speaks volumes. Hes a covert and is passive aggressive. I can feel it what lies within his thoughts of me. Im sure he thinks how dare she do this or that after treating her so well and she deserves to be kicked down once in awhile. Yup i can imagine the thoughts that run thru his mind. Just bc your narcs sweet and good to your face doesnt mean hes not painted you black at times.

  5. Diva says:

    “Do we want you or do we not want you?
    Of course not.
    We want your fuel.”

    As empaths could we not say the same but about narcs?????? For some bizarre reason many of us on this blog find “normals” dull and seem addicted to those narc types that we know are no good for us. Yet again over the weekend, I have no doubt that I crossed paths with another narc…..within one hour of meeting I have an invitation to London……I so want to go but in the back of my mind I now have a suspicion about what this individual is. Ignorance was bliss for a while, until I crossed paths with Mr Tudor………HG I don’t know if you are a blessing or a curse……I have never been to London and I really want to go!!!!!! This would have been such an easy decision before… would have simply been fate……but now I am in Narcland and I am analysing his every move, word, statement like a paranoid control freak!!!!!…….Diva

    1. robins359 says:

      I am so with you, Diva! My life is so dull right now. If someone came along right now and invited me to go to London with him, I WOULD GO! We have the advantage of “knowing”. At least that is where I am at right now. I so need some excitement in my life.

      1. Diva says:

        Hey RS……you are a lost cause!!!!!! Do you want his number?????? A word of warning though……there would be fewer red flags waving at a Communist Party conference!!!! Your responses never fail to put a smile on my face!!!! Diva

        1. robins359 says:

          Sadly, yes. . . I am a lost cause. 😉 I’m glad I make you smile. (can I have his number?) Just kidding!!

      2. blondie says:

        I used to love roller coasters and horror movies. I just realized I have done neither in ages. Now, I think the relationship with the Narc done slapped the taste right out of my mouth. (He used this saying to me a lot.)I now am enjoying a nice quiet drama free home. No more driveway panic attacks at arriving home. Yeah, I really crave peace, actually.

    2. robins359 says:

      The only place I have ever been to, outside of the USA, is England. THAT is why I would go back in a heartbeat. I love it there so much! I felt like I belonged there and I hated to go home. My daughter told me if I ever go back again, I HAVE to take her with me. I will! She would be the best traveling companion ever! I didn’t take her the other two times because a friend of mine invited me and she only had a spare room with a single bed and I didn’t want to take advantage of her hospitality.

      1. Diva says:

        Hi RS where did you visit in England?…..some areas are better than others…….I was just wondering where exactly you felt like you belonged……I hope you don’t mind me asking………Diva

        1. RS says:

          I don’t mind you asking at all. Both times I went to visit my friend, Felicity, whom I met here in Arizona. We were instant friends and she told me if I was ever in England to come and stay with her. The first time she lived in Claydon, Ipswich, Suffolk. Her husband is a retired policeman and they took me to London to see all the sights. We also went to Hever Castle. I love the history there. The last time I went (3 years ago) she had moved to Colchester, Essex. We drove up to Stratford upon Avon and spent a night and day looking at everything. I love the scenery, the country houses, the food. I loved sitting in her glassed- in patio facing her garden every morning having tea. sigh. I miss it all so much!!!

    3. ANK says:

      I guess if you can stay detached and not get involved then go to London. Make the most of the opportunity but just don’t fall for Narc tricks 😊

      1. Diva says:

        Hi Ank…..I appreciate your thoughts and you make perfect logical sense…….however I know only too well that what applies in theory to every one else does not apply in practice to me. I keep saying to myself……I could go to London on my own no problem…….however I also know that I will have picked up a narc before my feet hit Gatwick airport…….it’s much safer hiding out here “in the sticks” in Northern Ireland!!!!! Diva

  6. Bliss says:

    Basically what happened. Your kind are either all the same or I’ve been entangled with one who happens to be like you. Deep down I did want to escape when advised to say I will always be there for him blah blah, no wonder I ignited his fury. Yes to being bewildered, perplexed and miserable. Now I finally see the narc-logic. Still can’t accept it though. You weirdo Tudor.

  7. EasyBreezy says:

    Exactly my life for the last 10 years. You are the real deal, HG. Either that or my ex is just a regular asshole and so are you. So glad I’m out of that nightmare. Well, almost…

  8. So the saying should be “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back…RUN!” (they were never yours to begin with)

    1. HG Tudor says:


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