The Rules of Ex Club – No. 12



39 thoughts on “The Rules of Ex Club – No. 12”

  1. What does it mean if he reaches out now and again but just talks general things, no love bombing not malign just sounding kind of formal ? I don’t get the idea that he is looking for fuel. He would also respond to my messaging where he didnt before during devaluation and after discard. No i am not in no contact and I am not going to.

  2. “Can`t you be my therapist?” he asked. “I trust you.” That sounds so helpless and like a great compliment. It was not.
    It should be another way to triangulate me with his new IPPS.

    Only another way to tell me sadistically how he was involved with his new IPPS which was in devaluation at that time. He told me that he wanted to get rid of her, although they planned a marriage or better- she planned a marriage. He acted as if he was a victim of her. “She really wants a husband now. It is her age, you know.” What should I think of that?
    He showed me clearly what he really thinks of women. Pure hate and contempt and on the other hand – dependency of our fuel. Heartless and much more soulless.

    He wanted me to want him back to hurt the other one.

    I luckily knew at once that this was an attack against both women.

    There must have been a third woman at that time, because I heard later, that the IPPS cruised around his home. He gave her a silent treatment.

    And I met him only once. Who was the third woman? I do not care. I am only curious.

    He could not triangulate three of us. I denied the game and left. His grandiosity failed. I was not interested in him.

    “You are equal to me.” The only true words he ever said about me.

    ( He said that with some strange respect for me) .

    And oddly enough- I am proud of that sentence. I looked through him, although I am normal and not disordered.


  3. Yep. Even if they “did him wrong” he was still in contact with them all. One tried to commit suicide and he bragged about it like he was proud of the effect he had on the poor woman.

  4. “An ex who is referred to as a friend remains an intimate partner, or a potential intimate partner.”
    In that case, just about every woman he’d been with was an intimate partner because that’s how he referred to the majority of them.
    I was introduced as his girlfriend until the first major discard, when the formal relationship resumed I was demoted to ‘friend.”
    HG, from your perspective what is the difference between “girlfriend” and “friend” when addressed towards the IPPS? Was this his way of letting me know I’d been demoted to IPSS? Thanks.

    1. Referring to an IPPS as a friend is either an act of devaluation, an act to hide the real nature of the relationship or referencing you are an NISS.

  5. Hg

    Can you please pick two or three exs and then tell us:

    A) their name or the first initial of their name since I know you need to protect your identity
    B) briefly describe your relationship dynamic with them – ex. girlfriend 3 yrs broke up 4 times
    C) if they remained no contact with you or not
    D) How many times they have entered your 6th sphere through no fault of their own
    E) what made them enter your 6th sphere – ex. I found their jacket, I heard a song, I drove by their workplace.

    Thank you so much for doing this. I am very curious to read your answers and learn more about the 6th sphere.

      1. Sounds a delightful book…….asylum???……I am starting to think that my strait jacket comment wasn’t too far off the mark……Diva

          1. I am even more interested now…….I am sure you will advise when it is published……I will definitely read it……..Diva

        1. I do not have a date yet. It may have to be split into more than one volume, there are quite a number of people in the asylum.

  6. My narc out of the blue brought up an ex and how bubbly she was then started talking about her before i cut him off. I was very bothered and let him know. Things went from bad to worse in that he said they “rarely” talk other than the odd polite hello by email. Things changed after that point to shelving. Again they will tell on themselves they cant help it. Im certain hes involved in some capacity with this ex. I feel no jealousy just anxiety how i got mixed up in all this and how i can walk away with the least amount of pain. Amazingly i dont want to cut the narc out of my life only detach and not feel for him the way i do. Maybe its not possible tho and no contact is the only solition which seems impossible. When they say an ex is a friend what they mean is they are a part of their fuel matrix and that means very much involved at some point.

    1. Very true!! When I was the IPPS, he told me nothing and was very secretive. However after I escaped and became the “friend” he would brag and unknowingly tell me things thinking it would make me jealous. He didn’t realize I was gathering information based on what he had told me. He could not help but brag and reveal almost everything.

  7. He tried but failed because he can not distinguish
    between friend or partner… so I can totally see this. Every time we communicated he ended up being flirtatious which is extremely confusing for the victim. The best thing Ive ever done is to go and STAY NC! I keep on reading since this is my new addiction and the only way to stay focused and avoid any type of de-railing.

    1. when realised that I wouldn’t be sleeping with him he started to become distant, frequency of texting dropped off. Time to concentrate on obtaining supply and fuel elsewhere. He thought I would still jump into bed with him. And Yes as first I did. But then came to my senses.

    2. LOL. My mid ranger is the same. So unbelievably flirtatious and has sex with everyone, friend or romantic partner.

      “It tend to express my affection this way”….. meaning if he’s able to get it, he’s taking it.

      Then it’s “we can’t have sex anymore. It’s not right and I need to do the right thing here..” (cue pity party of his guilt)

      Then after he had sex again with me….”my willpower is weak around you but that cannot happen again!”

      Yawn. 🙄 Narc Opposite Day continues.

      1. When I was fucking around with my ex before we were official he would say the same bullshit to me…

        I would say “yeah you feel so guilty about it you do it over and over again”

        1. LOL Harley….I DID say that to him!!!! And his response went into a long winded tirade about how his “willpower is weak in so weak” when he is around me in person. Which is partly why we cannot see each other. LOLOLOLOL. I wish I was making this up but I am not. Oh and the pity party of how he loves his wife SOOOO much but he keeps being unfaithful to her and “failing”. Then it goes into how he has nothing to show for himself in life by continuing to fail at “fidelity” and every other aspect of his life. Blah blah blah lather rinse repeat.

          Is is sad that I still want to F his brains out? WHY????!!!! What is wrong with me?

          1. Gabs, my ex mid-ranger said something similar: “We shouldn’t be doing this, but I cannot even control myself” expressing regret after intimacy. He is religious so he thinks sex outside of marriage is a sin.

          2. Jenna,
            My mid ranger is also religious as you know (Mr piano recital during church lol)…he claims he didn’t lose his virginity until he was married (and after that he says he sought sex anywhere and everywhere he could). His wife supposedly waited for marriage too. He married young. I’m sure that’s why she’s bound to him I’m sure (divorce being a sin and all). Mr Piano and his facade. I’m still convinced he’s a sex addict. Everything is sexual with him. Every joke or comment turns sexual or goes off on a sexual tangent. He refers to himself as a pent up sexual monster. And his wife doesn’t cater to his whim and his fantasies (only some of the time). He’s into porn and that’s where all of his ideas have stemmed from. “We shouldn’t be intimate but there are so many things I want to do with you…but I don’t want to solidly commit to doing the wrong thing!”

            WTF ever dude he just makes it Narc Opposite Day and doesit anyway! I’ve lost count of the number of times he’s stated “the sexual part of our relationship is over”. Yet his actions show anything but.

            He also climaxes so fast but I’ll save my complaints on that for another time. “You’re so hot I just cannot hold it back…” but with his wife he complained it took him so long to climax because he is distracted of his “guilt” for cheating on her so much. Yeah that makes a lot of sense!

          3. Sorry hit send too soon. How does feeling guilty being with his wife cause long climaxing but not feeling guilty with me causes short climaxing?! In what world does that make sense?

        2. P.S. Forgot to add a few other responses to me saying “then why do you keep doing it over and over” were as follows:
          “My willpower is weak in person hence why we cannot see each other”
          “I am NOT strong…”
          “You are so hot, I cannot resist you.”
          “You are a temptress”
          “We have magnetism and a huge sexual attraction to one another…”

          More on that I believe his exact phrase with his smarty pants cerebral vocab was “I am positively enthralled by our sexual chemistry. Every moment of our intimacy left me breathless and lightheaded. I never experienced that with anyone before. No one has ever made me climax like that.”

          And THAT was why he is “SO WEAK”. I think the word “utterly” was thrown in there too. For “emphasis” as HG has stated.

  8. This is the main positive sign to me that I am dealing with a narc. All types of narc that I have known have maintained a so called friendship with one or more ex partners and sometimes also have several other female friends in tow too. This is a easy sign to look out for, as you are usually told about these friendships early on in the relationship, so you will have an opportunity to run before you get completely ensnared. If I hear this “F-WORD” again……it will be a deal breaker to me. Diva

  9. hg- are there any of your exs you would not consider getting back with? I know you have mentioned that you have hoovered them all. Do you continue to Hoover them all whenever triggers and criteria are met or do you only hoover certain ones?

      1. You should still try to hoover bc depending on the victim they may come back to life 😄 the hoover breaths lives back into us sadly.

      2. Do u have ipps’s that have died? 😔
        I do remember one of ur ex’s committed suicide. It’s so very sad. I feel like crying rn.

          1. There is so much that I have still not read and do not know or do not understand……..The incident???? Ex committing suicide?????? Your childhood???? I don’t ask too many questions as I don’t like people questioning me……No doubt I will get to it all in due course………it sure feels hard to breathe in here sometimes though…… Diva

  10. HG, if an ex you disengaged from lets you hoover her back in do you treat her worse? I have heard the abuse is worse the second time around. Seems like the shelf life is more painful than the first time around.

    1. It depends Casey. At first the hoover is likely to be benign to get that person back into the Formal Relationship (if that is our aim) and if it succeeds and you are seduced once again, then once devaluation starts it is likely to be worse but that is not guaranteed. It depends on what the appliance does and also the status of the appliance in the fuel index, since it is IPPSs who suffer the worst form of devaluation. Thus if you are hoovered as a Shelf IPSS, your may not be devalued for some time and if you are, it is likely to be shorter than that of the devaluation applied to an IPPS.

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