The 10 Initial Desires of the Narcissist

 

THE TEN INITIALDESIRES OF THENARCISSIST

 

I am red of tooth and claw. I seduce, I hurt, I cast to one side and like some malevolent Pied Piper, I play my tunes once again and draw you into my fabricated world. I operate a zero sum policy. I want what you have. If I gain it, I win. I love to win. I must always win. The winner is the conqueror, the strongest and the survivor. This is what I have been taught. That is the reality of my existence. Yet when you have been selected as our targets and the seduction has commenced, we have certain desires that we want to be true. There are initial desires that exist so that we do not have to go down the road so often travelled. We may have ensnared you but might we remain protector rather than persecutor?

We have these wants at the outset of our coupling with you. These are genuine, well-intentioned and considerable in nature. We are imbued with hope, optimism and confidence, every time a new prospect has been embraced by us. We want these things so that the teeth are never bared and the claws remain lowered.

  1. You are the one

I chose you because you are so special. I truly believe that you are the one, this time, to change everything that has happened before. You are the one who will save us, you have been selected beyond everybody else because you are the one. That is why we have such an infatuation with you at the outset of our relationship.

  1. You will not betray us.

The world is a cruel and harsh place and we know better than most how that is the case. We are surrounded by those who would strike us down and grind us into the nothingness which we fear. Those assassins lurk and wait, seeking their moment and we must ensure we remain vigilant so we do not fall prey to them. Traitors and betrayers mill about us, but we are wise to them. We know their game and we have them in our eye. We do not want you to be one of them.

  1. You won’t be like the others

We thought they would be the ones that we desired but they disappointed and dismayed and they left us no choice other than to punish them for their lack of loyalty and their false promises. We had to do so, otherwise a failure to act would only compound the perception of our weakness and we must at all times project to the world our image of success and magnificence. We hope you will not be like them so we need not maintain such a façade and we hope you will prove your worth so that you will not be like the others and let us down.

  1. You will stop the emptiness

Each and every day we must seek to fill the void that lurks within. It is part of what we are and we accept that this is the task which must be addressed because so much rests on being able to perform this important act. It is the reason for our existence but perhaps you can stop that sense of emptiness for us. Perhaps you can take away that void and provide us with the substance that we crave.

  1. You quell the fury

It is always there, churning away, waiting to be unleashed and directed at some transgressor, critic or traitor. I have learned to control it, many of my kind cannot do so and will never do so, it is a mark of my excellence and my superiority. I make it work for me, to advance my plans and to smite my foes. I have no choice for it is always there, waiting to be ignited in an instant. I can control it but I cannot quell it. Can you be the one to do this for me?

  1. You won’t get too close

Perhaps if you avoid getting too close to us you will not then let us down like the others before you have. We hope that you can provide us with all the things that we desire without the need to invade our inner sanctum which must remain locked and shuttered. Do not attempt to enter there for the consequences are too dreadful, for us both. Do not get too close and perhaps we have a chance to achieve the other desires that we wish for.

  1. You really do love us

They all seem to do so at the beginning but then we find ourselves surrounded by charlatans, con-merchants and frauds. Why does this always happen? All we want is for you to love us, unconditionally and eternally. That is what we only ever wanted.

  1. You will not wound us

No matter how grand and imperial we are, no matter how magnificent our achievements and our deportment that signals to the world that we are truly brilliant, a leader in our field, a behemoth and a colossus, we can be wounded with such despicable ease by those who send criticism our way. It hurts, it burns and it wounds and we must defend ourselves against such unwarranted and disgusting behaviour. Perhaps you will be the one who will not wound us in this way.

  1. You will not leave

Don’t leave us. The others have always done so. We do not understand why that is after everything that we have done, all the things we endeavoured to do to please them and then this is what happens. The others leave us twice. They come with such promise and deliver for a time but then they do so no longer and through such an omission they leave us. We want that person to return but struggle to contain the fury which is unleashed from this horrible criticism of us and then you sever all possibility of a return when you walk away from us. Do you know who you are when you do that?

  1. You won’t make us leave you.

Please do not do the things which force us away from you. The others all headed down that path. It causes us to consider that we are cursed, forever burdened by the fate that we will have no choice other than to leave you in order to secure our survival. Perhaps you can be the one who prevents that feeling from happening?

Each and every time these ten desires loom large when we commence our engagement with you. Some show such promise and for such a time and then one by one these desires are crushed, shattered and obliterated. We know only one way to respond to the destruction of our desires because we are red of tooth and claw.

30 thoughts on “The 10 Initial Desires of the Narcissist

  1. Billie Jean says:

    Initially most all of these desires sound quite normal, but then when you really think about them, you can realize how warped they are. These are not the desires of/for a true long lasting relationship with another human being, one in which both partners are still individual people with free will, their own opinions, thoughts, and souls. Narc’s really are like vampires, they will suck every last ounce of your life blood if you let them, and if you don’t let them, then you have created the biggest “wound” to them. Narcs don’t want a partner, they want someone to devour, to fill that huge black void inside them. When you aren’t totally filling that void anymore you get spit-up.

    Thank you HG for your words to help us understand your kind. Unfortunately it comes too late for us, but maybe if more are educated we can help protect fellow future targets.

    Keep writing!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. Lori says:

    10. Oh, yes, I will…. lol…..

  3. Diva says:

    “YOU” are barking up the wrong tree HG……..Diva

  4. Scarlet says:

    HG, sorry can you send me the link to the interview you did not the last one but the one before I can’t find it ? Thank you

  5. paul says:

    Hello HG

    As you may recall, I recently asked you if I may ask some more generalised questions about narcissism and you kindly assented? Actually, I would like to try make this more conversational in tone rather than just simple Q&A – if that’s ok?

    You mentioned in a Q&A that you believe about “1 in 6 people” are narcs. Is that across continents? How did you derive that ratio? Would that be solely pathological narcs or including quasi-narcs (as I’ve called them)? When I say quasi, it’s those who frequently exhibit narc traits but would be considered otherwise ‘normal,’ capable of empathy. Which leads me to…

    Ever since I began my excursion into narcissism, I’ve become more aware of those traits, usually ascribed to narcs, frequently appearing in ‘normal’s’ behaviour, such as: gaslighting, triangulation, smearing, ghosting, etc,. Ghosting seems to be a favourite! I realise that those traits were always there (human nature). Possibly I just notice them more because I can now put names to them. However, it does seem that a ‘new normal’ is developing where empathy is reserved for charitable giving, sympathy for disaster victims, etc., and narcissistic behaviours/traits are becoming more usual in regular personal interactions. Greater narcissists without the pathology? Example: I recall Princess Diana’s death, in 1997. On TV, a man with his family was stopped by a microphone near Buckingham Palace. The man said, “I didn’t cry this much when my father died.” Real tears? That ratio you gave…?

    Conversely, there’s frequent talk of a ‘victim culture,’ I wonder if there’s any connection between it and the ‘political correctness’ phenomenon. Empath counter-response?

    Final thought…Have you seen the film, “Her,” by Spike Jonze [2014]? Maybe this is where it’s all going?

    Thank you.

    I hope to hear from you, HG.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Paul, my observations about narcissists being 1 in 6 is based on my anecdotal experience. Is it across continents? Yes. It relates purely to narcissists, not those who are highly narcissistic.

      I have written previously that society is becoming more narcissistic which means that our behaviours become all the more described away in euphemistic ways which obscures the reality of what is occurring.

      No, I haven’t seen the film that you refer to.

      1. paul says:

        HG, Thank you for replying! 😃

        “Yes. It relates purely to narcissists, not those who are highly narcissistic.”
        So, we concur then, that there are many quasi-narcs, aka normals who have some empathy and are otherwise not pathological?
        And, when you say, “highly” you mean truly pathological?

        “I have written previously that society is becoming more narcissistic which means…”
        I’d be interested in seeing this. Can you link me to it, please?

        Thanks again.
        KR

  6. Noname says:

    Those are the Genaral desires, not the Narcissistic only. Aside of #6. That desire prevents the implementation of others desires.

    This post is related to “The Relational Tower” post. To get what you want means either to let the people “in”, or to walk from your “tower” out. Unprotected.

    Yes, it is very risky. But. As russians like to say “If you don’t risk, you don’t drink the champagne then”.

    1. paul says:

      HG

      Oh, I see now – narc wound! I thought it was a valid question – no criticism intended! Anyway, try again?

  7. Findinglife11 says:

    Makes me think of Jeremiah 29:11. That’s what you’re looking for…
    “For i know the plans i have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. ”
    Trust that. That’s good stuff. It’s what we all have a need for in our soul.

  8. Lisa says:

    Great piece!! Thought provoking indeed.
    At first I thought ‘wow you must be exhausted HG’ then I thought ‘wow no wonder us empaths are exhausted’, then I decided, you know what, why dont we all just have a nice cup of tea and a good lay down!’

    1. andsuddenly says:

      🙂

  9. ;peace out says:

    You know what you want from the ’empaths’ – coherency. The self needs coherency and in order to not be bound by coherency, you use others to fill in your inconsistencies, while you disrupt and fracture connections.

    When they’ve projected and invested themselves in ‘your space’, a kind of assimilation zone that draws them in through their urge to repair inconsistency, you drop them into the abject void of your negative-self projection.

    Without them you lack ‘an ideal self’ because you define your (erotically-desired) self by being not-them; god vs the appliances, they must be objects so that you can be god (the only ‘one’).

    You know how to create a self-function mirror-object through manipulating others, but you don’t know how to feel and experience yourself / being in the world. It’s not so much that people need to literally penetrate your psyche, as though they’re psychics (or scientists), even the mere idea of being emotionally ‘influenced’ by someone, is a transgression against your impenetrable self. But, again, you’re both unmoved by the experiences of others and easily offended over tiny details in your solipsistic system: they only have to -not- perform the mirror function to your ideal-self, often in ways that cost them validation and dignity, and your mirror collapses (because it can’t be consistent on its own – you’re self-destructive), and you feel your lack of self, the abject-void is what you then experience.

    Not that hard to figure out! But this has been mystifying and fascinating you for… 40 years?

    So it’s not that “everyone is trying to get in”—they’re being sucked into your zone through a psychological mechanism (project empathy, repair inconsistency), but you’re projecting your real flaws onto them (which puts them into an abject-zone), so that you can ‘be god’ and avoid recognising that you cannot leave the tiny space you’re in, even if you wanted to, because you don’t know how and you’d be terrified.

    You have a disorder – and learned, horrible behaviour. I don’t think those things are mutually exclusive. If you weren’t a horrible, unredeemable person, you’d have repaired at least some of this.

  10. Scarlet says:

    HG, I do believe I’m experiencing the creature . I believe my lower mid range victim has cracked due to 4 month no contact and his now knowing I’m moving away . Now I understand this could be injury , acting (although I believe it’s real to him) it could be love bombing (never experienced from him in 2 and a half years ) but I think it’s the creature .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      How does it manifest Scarlet?

  11. Amy says:

    Unvarnished.

  12. K says:

    These are all my desires too, except for #s 5 and 6. Even that last part about being red of tooth and claw, I really liked that, too. I like the way you articulate my feelings so well. Thanks HG!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pleasure.

    2. Jenna says:

      K, nice observations. We have much in common w the narc, as we are all part of the human species.
      For me it’s #1,2,8.
      Especially #8 – pls do not wound me. I have been wounded as a child thru separation of a caregiver. Any wound that resembles rejection, however unimportant it may be, triggers panic.

      1. K says:

        Jenna
        I am so sorry you were wounded as a child thru separation of a caregiver. It makes me feel sad to think about how you felt as a child. Rejection is very unpleasant and I understand how that would trigger panic. You are right; we do have much in common with the narc, sometimes, I think we (empaths) are the complement to the narcissist, however, it is a dangerous union for us.

        1. Jenna says:

          K, thank u.

  13. paul says:

    Hello HG

    Didn’t really want place this on this new post of yours but wasn’t sure where else…?

    As you may recall, I recently asked you if I may ask some more generalised questions about narcissism and you kindly assented? Actually, I would like to try make this more conversational in tone rather than just simple Q&A – if that’s ok?

    Firstly, you seem to be the only one (online) who strictly follows the determining structure of placing narcissists into schools and cadres. Is this solely your brainchild, so to speak? How did such defined delineations come about?

    You mentioned in a Q&A that you believe about “1 in 6 people” are narcs. Is that across continents? How did you derive that ratio? Would that be solely pathological narcs or including quasi-narcs (as I’ve called them)? When I say quasi, it’s those who frequently exhibit narc traits but would be considered otherwise ‘normal,’ capable of empathy. Which leads me to…

    Ever since I began my excursion into narcissism, I’ve become more aware of those traits, usually ascribed to narcs, frequently appearing in ‘normal’s’ behaviour, such as: gaslighting, triangulation, smearing, ghosting, etc,. Ghosting seems to be a favourite! I realise that those traits were always there (human nature). Possibly I just notice them more because I can now put names to them. However, it does seem that a ‘new normal’ is developing where empathy is reserved for charitable giving, sympathy for disaster victims, etc., and narcissistic behaviours/traits are becoming more usual in regular personal interactions. Greater narcissists without the pathology? Example: I recall Princess Diana’s death, in 1997. On TV, a man with his family was stopped by a microphone near Buckingham Palace. The man said, “I didn’t cry this much when my father died.” Real tears? That ratio you gave…?

    Conversely, there’s frequent talk of a ‘victim culture,’ I wonder if there’s any connection between it and the ‘political correctness’ phenomenon. Empath counter-response?

    Final thought…Have you seen the film, “Her,” by Spike Jonze [2014]? Maybe this is where it’s all going?

    Thank you.

    I hope to hear from you, HG.

  14. Fool Me 1 Time says:

    HG # 6, what are your desires?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      An extra pair of hands FM1T.

  15. Kim Michaud says:

    Do u believe it’s possible for a woman to know your a narc meet the beast within you and I still love you? I certainly do

    1. Kim Michaud says:

      I meant to say and still love you not to say I still love you lol although I do haha

    2. Kim michaud says:

      I almost meant to say I certainly do believe it’s possible

    3. HG Tudor says:

      Yes.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Losing My Grip

Next article

Feted and Feared