The Narcissistic Truths – No. 133
48 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 133”
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Because excuses are easier. They dont require action or change.
Yes so true narcangel! Its easier to make excuses even for oneself but we do hold the power for change.
Truth Hurts…..Excuses allow us to escape reality.
Truth will always prevail, it’s much harder when we run out excuses and must face reality.
Some will not change and as observers we have to accept that as hard as it may be.
Our differences make us all imperfectly beautiful.
My 2 best friends could not understand why i kept making excuses for him. One of these friends was very hurtful towards me, and set 6 conditions if we are to remain friends. She gave me a 4 day panic attack. I had to go NC on her.
Hi jenna…any friend that does that isnt a friend at all. You were wise to go no contact! I had a therapist do that to me and i never went back.
Narcaffair, i can’t believe a therapist did that to u. I’m so sorry.
I’ve been nc with my friend for approx 2.5 mos now.
I will be breaking nc w her sometime, when i have the courage to talk to her in detail, without fearing another panic attack. We’ve been friends for 10 yrs and i hope we can sort this out.
Narcaffair, what she said still stings my heart. I feel physical pain in my chest just writing abt it. But i must face that pain again, and at least try to sort it out.
“I did nothing wrong. All my love would not change him. He cannot be changed.”…. HG Tudor “Exorcist”
Love Deprivation….
Hallo noname,
I am back again. I am starting to create a different definition of empathy, because I think the common definition is not exact enough, is misleading and was created by people who combined two different things by an emotional error : the ability to recognise and read feelings of other persons and the assumed compassion of people who are able to recognise the feelings of another one.
This is a complete error.
I tried to sort it out for myself this way:
(1) basic empathy: the ability to recognise the feelings of another one (lesser narc)
(2) low degree empathy:
the ability to recognise and to read/ understand feelings of others in a restricted way (mid range)
(3 ) higher degree of empathy:
to recognise and to read/ understand feelings of others and the causes/ reasons for these feelings, combined with the ability to predict their behaviour.
(greater narc)
The lower and higher degree of empathy can be combined with:
TARGETED EMPATHY:
(to recognise and to read/ to understand feelings of others and the reasons for these feelings, combined with the ability to predict their behaviour AND
combined with the will to abuse this knowledge for one own`advantage
NEUTRAL EMPATHY:
Nr 2/ 3 combined with staying indifferent to other persons
COGNITIVE EMPATHY:
Nr 2/ 3 combined with :
showing cognitive /intellectual compassion for people because of rational reasons)
EMOTIONAL EMPATHY:
Nr 2/ 3 combined with: showing cognitive and emotional compassion for others, only restricted emotional identifying with others
INFECTED EMOTIONAL EMPATHY:
Nr.2/3 with:
being involved by own feelings,identifying with the other one; some kind of emotional infection .
I wish my English would be better, but I believe it is a better definition of different types of “empathy” than found in most descriptions.
The empath of us tend towards to cognitive, emotional and infected emotional empathy.
The narcs know only targeted, neutral and cognitive empathy.
Lesser narcs know only basic empathy.
Sorry, but I had to think about the word “empathy” today and I found it interesting to sort it out. I am not satisfied yet.
I didn’t scroll down the whole comment’s thread and didn’t notice your answer here. Lol.
Wow. Your own approach to classification of the types of empathy is very intetesting and makes sense! I like it. Thank you!
The big irony, that we ALL are Empaths in one or another way. And you are absolutely right, that Narcs have this ability, albeit not full spectre.
(I sincerely hope, that you, Tudor, don’t feel insulted reading it, because I see how proud you are to be a “strong Narcissist” and not a “weak Empath”).
And that classification is very important (especially for professionals), when you need to recognize what type of empathy the Narcs have and what type of empathy they don’t have.
Using this knowledge, this “secret door”, you know how to “reach” them quickly and then help them more effectively. But! When they sense or realize, that you are “inside of them” (it is VERY uncomfortable feeling), they will fight with you and they will do it pretty fiercely!
And if you, somehow, prove them that you are not going to cause any damage to them, they will start to listen to you and tolerate your “invasion” (even Lessers!). And if they have the genuine desire to change some “settings” inside of them, the “healing” process begins.
I could “reach” my first husband “inferno” pretty easily, but he didn’t have any desire to “heal” himself and I let him go. My second husband wants to do it, so he tolerates my “invasions” and we both see positive results. Honestly, he deserves the gold medal for Heroism, because sometimes I “invade” him mercilessly to break some “points” to get the possibility to move forward.
Mona, the understanding and recognizing the types of Empathy is very crucial moment, but it is NOTHING without genuine desire for “self-healing”. It is the case, when you have the full set of surgical instruments, but you don’t have any patients.
We all are creators of our happiness and unhapiness. If your Narc likes the quality of his “internal” and “external” life and doesn’t see any reasons to change it, so be it. It is our human right to live our lives as we want and face the consequences of it. Don’t judge Narcs for their choice. Just let them go and enjoy your own life!
Thank you for your very interesting comment again!
HG my ex midrange golden child ex and I spent a lot of time with his dad. At the time I didn’t know my ex or his dad were narcs I just thought they were really close since my ex’s mom is dead. I am thinking that his dad might have been a greater since he was way more charming and intelligent than my ex. Sometimes I caught myself feeling sad when my boyfriend’s dad would be out of town because I wanted to see him. Talk about red flags. Is it common for a greater to have a mid range child?
Candice
I am not 100% sure on this, but the type of narcissist that is produced may be connected to the degree of cognitive awareness and intelligence s(he) possesses. My birth family is comprised mostly of lessers but there is a mid-ranger aunt and uncle and assorted mid-range cousins.
K
I agree. I think the level they are is more genetic according to their intelligence
I wasn’t even capable of making excuses. I thought there was something wrong with me.
At the time, I was blind and naive. I wanted the relationship more than anything.
I was told I was selfish and manipulative he can’t live with my morals- yet still he loved me so much but I was making him angry and have to have affairs and pushing him away.
His conditioning of me was surreptitious, methodical and thorough, my self esteem reduced to me doubting my own moral fibre.
I blamed myself for not being worthy enough, plain and simple.
I experienced the same degradation. I have yet to recover. Can you give me any advice as to what to do to begin to heal?
Read and learn, Amanda. The more you read HG’s works, the more you understand how you were victimized by his sociopathy. You may never be able to forgive him, but at least you can take the important first step of forgiving yourself for being deceived. It takes time. I’m one year post-discard, and I’m still struggling with recovery.
Wise words RN.
Because it is really hard to admit that you were wrong. That your choice was a mistake. That you were fooled. That you were not loved, not even liked. That the man you chose to fall in love with, never saw you. That what you were, made in fact no difference to him-anybody could be in your place.The excuses are, in fact, to yourself.
M
You are right; he never saw me. All he saw was fuel.
Well put, M. You’ve described the crux of the post-narc trauma we all suffer from.
Denial, hope, addiction or not understanding what he is.
it’s where you’ve sacrificed your TRUTH for OZ. The acceptance of the narcissist’s reality over yours. Turn your fake yes into NO. NO, we don’t accept it, ENDS the fauxlationship. As long as you sit at the tea party, you must accept another cup of tea. “What do you mean there’s no tea, no fancy sandwiches,” says the toddler surrounded with their toys. Of course there is. Taste it! To make them happy, we PRETEND. Think is, these are toddlers in large bodies, with all kinds of tricks to MAKE you play the part. None of us are truely toys though. That’s the pain of letting “pretend” become too serious.
Make no excuses, and don’t “play along.” The pretend tea party is NO PICNIC!
I have learnt that in childhood. I needed an explanation for the behaviour of my mother, who was not fair. Telling me to obey rules, to be responsible, to be reliable, to be …, things, she herself never fulfilled.
She always excused everybody who treated me unfair.
I am hard now and cold sometimes. My workmates are surprised about my changed behaviour, my changed attitudes and the growing lack of empathy, which is now there…
Even my mother is upset or confused, when I listen to her without affection.
No excuses accepted anymore.
“…My workmates are surprised about my changed behaviour, my changed attitudes and the growing lack of empathy, which is now there…”.
Mona, no.
It isn’t the growing lack of empathy. It is the growing INDIFFERENCE. Your ability to empathize will live inside of you to the end!
The indifference is not a bad thing also! Just keep it on “healthy” level.
I always read your comments attentively and you expressed several times your worryings about your transforming into narcissism. Don’t worry, Mona, it isn’t going to happen. Not a single chance!
Noname, thank you for your comment.
I do not think, that I will become a narcissist: I am not false, I do not like to lie only for my own advantage, I do not contradict myself very often, I am not overly selfish, but I lost a lot of empathy and pity for other people.
For example: I have always been a strict opponent of death penalty, now I believe that people should be punished that way. It is cheaper for society and a clear cut. These people are useless in my opinion. . They lost their right to live and produce costs. Former I thought every one should have a chance to live his life. I believed that there must be something good or useful in every one. Now I think these people are only a mistake of nature and should be eliminated.
This is totally contrary to my former thoughts. I have no pity with them anymore.
Is that only indifferent? I do not think so. It is some kind of emotional coldness, which was not there before.
Is it rational and logical? Yes, it is.
Is it narcissistic? No, it would be narcissistic, if I loose a healthy level.
I only lost a lot of illusions about mankind.
If narcissistic people become more and more , we are right back on our way to Stone Age.
Their aims are not compatible with my aims and they do not want to learn.
It is not our fate to stay an empath or a narcissist, it is partly a conscious decision. We all have a (restricted) choice.
Narcissists are not ill, they have no cancer, they only have a bad character. No pity for narcissistic people. They are self-made monsters.
The Empathy is an ability to sense, feel and understand someone’s feelings. Mona, are you losing this ability? I bet no.
Another question, you don’t want to respond emotionally to what you sense, feel and understand in people. That’s an indifference.
And bitterness. I see the bitterness in your words. It is pretty unbalancing feeling, Mona. Healthy level of gedonism cures it perfectly!
“…Narcissists are not ill, they have no cancer, they only have a bad character…”.
Agreed. It is a some type of “moral insanity”, not disease.
You are right! I did not lose my empathy. That was an error. The opposite is the truth. I am now able to look into the shattered soul of a narcissist. I understand what he feels and how he feels. And I am able to predict his behaviour. It is a bitter awareness.
I will answer you a little bit more detailed, work is waiting and I do not want to come late. But thank you for your empathic and analytical comment.
Same here, Mona. I typed my answer to you while riding to work. Lol.
I’m looking forward to your reply.
It was easier to make excuses and carry on for longer than I meant to than to point at another human being and say “monster”.
Words like emotional rape, psychopath, trauma bonding…it never occurred to apply them to myself. Those are things on television.
I was still sorting thru the data…IPPS vs IPSS…Lesser Mid or Greater…devalued or discarded or shelved…deciding if Tudor was to be trusted as a credible authority on the subject.
Even working within the parameters of Tudor’s explanations, some anomaly of my situation might take me to uncharted waters. While I don’t expect to be spoon-fed everything, I can confidently say my logical reasoning to this point has failed me on its own.
Sandra
Tudor is definitely a credible authority on the subject. Please, keep reading and you will see for yourself.
Is that the end of EX meme series?
No.
HG, are you going to do more Little Acons?
Possibly. I may revisit the existing ones and expand on them instead.
Thank you for your response. I hope you do more in the ACON series. I found them very therapeutic. I believe that many of us who chose narcs as partners were originally warped by narc parents. Understanding this can help us understand ourselves today.
I am pleased you found that to be the case Ws2.
I made excuses because deep down insight I believed he’s a good man, he’s just sensitive, stressed and I demand too much. So it’s all my fault.
Because we dont want to face reality and have to let go
I made excuses for him because I didn’t realise I was with a mid range narc……..and boy did he know how to mirror that one…….he was a walking excuse!!!!! More common traits between narcs and empaths…….again for very different reasons……..Diva
after reading “Exorcism”, I have the answer to that…
Well C* don’t hold out on us! What is the answer?
K… You will have to read the book! It comes in hard copy…
C*
If I ply you with alcohol and give you a really nice back rub will you tell me what I want to know…
I ordered Exorcism from Amazon, along with Horns and Halos.
HG approves.
K, lol, I can not be bought! HG does not disappoint (in his books). great investment! I am still reading Exorcism…
Listen, you can ply me with a massage and Japanese food lol.
I’m like a house a cat – I just need to be pet and fed. Lmao…