How No Contact Feels – Part Three



So to the Greater. What does the imposition of No Contact feel like to him and how does he respond to the threat of such an imposition? Let us begin with you telling the Greater that the Formal Relationship has ended and you convey this message in person. To set the scene, imagine a timid and apprehensive person stepping into the lair of the dragon. The black-scaled dragon, sulphuric fumes rising from him as he watches the advancing person, his glittering dark eyes are keen slits of observation. He misses nothing. This dragon is vast, an embodiment of power and destruction, long claws resting on the symbols of his magnificence, the low light gleaming on those impenetrable scales, the fangs protruding from the cavernous mouth. This dragon is in its domain and knows it rules all that it surveys as this nervous person approaches, message held in trembling hand. This dragon already knows what is written on that message, he is particularly perceptive and recognises from the demeanour and body language of the approaching person that this is not someone bearing good news, but rather the opposite. Yet, such is his power, his magnificence, he remains unperturbed. He knows his might.

“Yessssss,” he says in that charming purr of a voice as he indicates for the messenger to make his delivery. The messenger swallows and unfurls the scroll and starts to read. The dragon listens, impassive, no hint of what is going on beneath the surface is evident to anybody observing, but so much is happening. This is the scene when you decide to deliver the news to the Greater that the Formal Relationship is over.

The Greater will listen to you. Your nervousness, possible fearfulness and borderline apologetic behaviour is already fuelling him. If somehow you are able to muster anger to propel the delivery of your message, your bristling indignation fuels him too. He has no need to erupt like the Lesser. He will allow you to say your piece.

Be in no doubt that the Greater will not welcome this news at all. Your words may be fuelling him, tinged as they are with anger or fear, but your intended action is one huge criticism to him. You are daring to reject him. You have the audacity to tell him that it is over. This is igniting his fury but you will not see it because the Greater is able to exert significant control over this fury ( also aided by the fuelled words you are providing) and therefore whilst the fury is churning away under the surface, the Greater is calculating and evaluating. He will listen to what is said and understand your concerns. Of course he will not accept them. How dare someone as inferior as you seek to challenge and blame someone as mighty as him but nevertheless he is no fool and as a consequence he will listen to what is said ready to pick your words apart.

Remaining in control you can expect to receive a Preventative Hoover which is unparalleled amongst our kind. We do not want to lose you as a primary source of fuel, this would amount to an even greater criticism than the threat of you doing so. This would wound us and weaken us through the cessation of our primary source of fuel. Accordingly, we will deploy a Preventative Hoover. This will manifest to you as a major charm offensive. You can expect to be told: –

“Nobody loves you the way that I do and I could not bear to lose you.”

“Why destroy all this for the sake of an argument or two?”

“I have given you so much but this is just the start.”

“There is a whole world for you and I to conquer together.”

“People look at us and they are envious of what we have, you do know that don’t you?”

“Why sacrifice what we have? Ask yourself, is it really worth it?”

“Don’t listen to what they say, they do not know just how much my love for you burns now, after all this time. You are all that matters to me.”

“Don’t spoil things, just as we were making a start.”

“I adore you. I love you. You are the one for me.”

“There are so many others who would give anything to be with me, but do you know what? I do not want them. I want you.”

“Let’s not argue, let’s go to bed.”

Note that there is no contrition in these statements. The Greater is not going to accept any blame here, not even false contrition, not yet. Observe also that any concerns you may have expressed about our behaviour will have been relegated to a position of insignificance, brushed over and largely ignored. This is because in the mind of the Greater you are privileged to be with us and your complaints really ought not to be made. Instead, the Greater will rely on using his charm and magnetism to underline his love for you, how wonderful things really are being in a relationship with him and that in essence, you would be a fool to go anywhere else.

Allied to this charm the Greater will also unleash some additional future faking. The Greater loves bribery and the promise of magnificence. He has delivered already during the golden period and we know that you want this again, so we will dangle this promised land in front of you. You can expect to be told: –

“Look, let’s book a holiday, you can choose. We can go away and you will see how right you were to stay with me.”

“It is a pity that you feel this way because I was about to propose to you.”

“I am disappointed really as I was looking at houses only yesterday for us to buy together.”

“The future for us is bright, do you realise that? Few couples are so fortunate to have what we have.”

“You cannot do this. I said to myself only yesterday that I wanted to grow old with you.”

“I hope you reconsider as I wanted to take you on a shopping spree, after all you deserve to be treated don’t you?”

Promises, future treasures and delights all dangled in front of you and so, so tempting.

The Preventative Hoover that the Greater will use will feel almost like a monologue. You will not be allowed to depart. The Greater will position himself between you and the door, he will gently take you by the arm and lead you to sit down, he will lock the car doors if this conversation takes place there and he will take such steps to ensure you are not given the opportunity to walk away easily. He will not be aggressive in taking such steps, instead he will act with apparent warmth and gentleness, his mouth moving as he continues his charming speech so that you barely notice he is moving you away from the front door. The Greater will keep going and going and going. He has the cognitive function, the energy levels and also he will be feeding off the fuel you will be giving him. You cannot help but smile at the charming comments, the resurrection of memories you and he have together, your eyes will betray you and he will use that fuel to power this Preventative Hoover.

Whereas the Lesser uses violence to shock you into submission and prevent your departure, the Greater will grind you down. It is almost hypnotic how he will say the same thing but in a thousand different ways, touching you here and there, smiling, charming and eroding your will and resistance. He knows how good he is at doing this. He did it before when he deployed the seduction hoover in the very beginning. He will remind you of all the good things, using those matters he has filed carefully away, extracting them now as he creates a show reel of all the best parts of the relationship. Each time you try to raise a complaint, he will shush you into submission, his calculating mind knowing which reassuring expression to wear. The Greater adopts the position that you are just a silly fool who does not know better. That you might have had your head turned by the seditious whispers of others, but this is not a concern. He will dismiss concerns, wave away worries and downplay detractions. Everything is under control. He is the generous benefactor who knows the world far better than you and you should just smile, do as you are told and everything will be alright.

The Greater has a slight concern about the threat to his primary source of fuel, but it is only slight. The reality is that he finds your threat more amusing to him because it allows him a further opportunity to engage in what he enjoys doing; controlling people. Like that mighty dragon who knows he could crush the messenger in an instant or incinerate him with flaming breath in the blink of an eye, the Greater knows that he could lash out at the victim, but he is enjoying drawing the fuel from his drawn out Preventative Hoover. It entertains him to see that “kitty has claws” as you threaten to walk out and leave. We are not panicked, we remain in control and we are toying with you, nudging and coaxing you into changing your mind and remaining. This is why the charm offensive is unleashed. The Greater has no need, yet, to lash out, nor is he going to demean himself with pity plays, that is for weaker people than him. No, this threat will be extinguished by him engaging in charm, a peacock’s performance and once you have been worn down into submission and changed your mind, his supremacy his affirmed, his primary source is secured and all is well as the golden period is reinstated. Understand though as the Greater leads you by the hand up the staircase to allow you to experience that passion between the sheets once again (causing you to believe that make-up sex is wonderful) he will shoot a glance at the mirror and those eyes will glint with malevolence. You have the golden period once again but your treachery has been noted and you will be punished for it once the devaluation starts again. You will be reminded of your foul traitorous behaviour and made to pay for it. We do not forget such things.

What though if this charm offensive for once fails us? This is the fourth time you have sought to escape and armed with superior knowledge and having undertaken proper preparation you are determined to see this through. How does the impending No Contact feel when you turn and walk towards that door?

The Greater will not apply a sob story. He will save those for the Follow Up Hoovers in due course when he is truly feeling sorry for himself at the loss of fuel. Instead, once the Greater realises that persuasion and charm has not worked and you are intent on leaving, the effect of this criticism starts to take its toll on us. Our control is beginning to slip. Not completely. There is no sudden eruption of fury like the lesser but instead the mask of control slips and you will be subjected to malice. It is rare (although not unheard of) for the Greater to use physical violence. If he does it is more along the lines of pushing, pulling, a raised fist (but one which does not connect), spitting or a sudden grasp of the throat or a slap. The intention is not to cause significant physical harm because the Greater regards that as beneath him. He is also alive to the need to avoid harming his plausible deniability by leaving evidence of physical violence. Instead he manifests it as a threat of what he is capable of, of what might happen if he is pushed. Hissed threats will be made as you try to leave: –

“You can expect to lose your job if you walk out on me, I will see to it.”

“I will report you to your regulatory body if you leave.”

“Those videos will be plastered all over the internet.”

“Do you really want your parents to see those photographs and see their princess taking on three men at once?”

“Be a shame if some drugs turned up in your car wouldn’t it?”

“You can kiss good-bye to your licence to practise if you go through that door.”

The Preventative Hoover will shift from charm to malice in an instant, pushed by your move towards exiting and cutting off the primary supply of fuel. If you respond to these threats with fear, anger, defiance or upset, you will provide fuel and this will encourage the greater to continue. Whereas before he engaged in charm to wear you down, we will now engage in using malice to frighten you into submission and we will keep going and going until you have either given in or walked out.

If you give in we will be delighted and we will welcome you back to the fold with open arms, exhibiting the magnanimity that we believe we possess. You made a mistake, of course you did, but like a sinner who has come to repent, you are forgiven (but not really) and you are treated like a naughty child who has seen the error of her ways. The golden period is reinstated once again but there will be a price to pay further down the line.

Should you evade the charm offensive and also the malicious assault and still walk away from the Greater then one of two things will happen. Generally, with Lower Greaters an Initial Grand Hoover will shortly follow. The Formal Relationship has ended. The Greater wants his primary source back and therefore he will launch an IGH combining charm with contrition. The Upper Greater will be wounded by this cessation of fuel and mortally offended that someone could both decide to leave him and fail to succumb to his masterful powers. This will result in the Greater erupting in a frenzy. He will deploy smear campaigns against the victim, rally his coterie and lieutenants to ensure that repeated malign follow-up hoovers are launched. This is done with the intention of making your life a complete and utter misery so that you come crawling back asking for it to stop.

If the Initial Grand Hoover fails to charm/pity you into returning or the malicious campaign fails to batter you into submission then we will be placed into Chaos Mode as our fuel levels drop. Three things are placing us under considerable pressure at this point.

  1. Our fuel levels are dropping because there is no longer a primary source;
  2. We have used up energy through the IGH or malign hoovers;
  3. The criticism from losing you and failing to restore you as a primary source has wounded us considerably.

Unlike the Lesser or Mid-Range who would risk entering depression and stupor at this point, the Greater still has sufficient resources to launch a survival bid. We will drain our supplementary sources of fuel turning to friends, family, colleagues and so forth as we frantically find a new primary source and once done we will achieve stability. Given the higher cognitive function of the Greater, the increased charm levels and calculating ability, we have the best chance at using these supplementary sources of fuel to power the seduction of a new primary source. Once that has been achieved there is stability and in due course consideration will turn (subject to the spheres of influence) to hoovering you again.

What happens if you fail to stand before us to deliver the message of cessation? Indeed, given the lengths we will go to as you have read above, if you do decide to escape a Greater you ought not to deliver the news in person. If you send a message or allow us to work it out that you have escaped, then the immediate reaction of the Greater will be to be wounded. The failure to realise you were on the cusp of leaving highlights a weakness in our perception and the fact you have chosen to leave us reinforces that you regard us as sub-standard, deficient in some way and it is a huge criticism. The fury will ignite but the Greater will still remain in control, but not for long. His immediate response will be to launch an Initial Grand Hoover to get you back using charm and on this occasion there will be more pity involved because the wounding will be greater.

If this IGH does not work, the wound increases, the fury becomes too great and the Greater will lose control and lash out with malign hoovers in order to draw fuel and stabilise or to cause you to come crawling back. If no fuel is yielded or you do not return, then the Greater will be pushed into Chaos Mode as described above and will drain supplementary sources and secure a new primary source as quickly as possible,

What if you have read my works and not only prepared for your departure but you have executed it in such a way that the Greater cannot even contact you. The IGH does not even get off the ground. The malign hoovers cannot be deployed because you cannot be contacted. In such an instance the Greater is in real danger because he has suffered repeated wounding criticisms: –

  1. He did not anticipate the danger which offends his sense of omnipotence;
  2. He has lost his primary source of fuel and is not only weakened by that but wounded by being so careless;
  3. He could not contact the primary source and thus has been outwitted; and
  4. His usual responses have been rendered impotent.

In such an instance the Greater will turn to supplementary sources immediately and secure a new primary source. It is usually the case (for the reasons outlined above) that the Greater is able to secure a new primary source pretty quickly and therefore achieve stability. If on the rare occasion this does not happen and there are no supplementary sources available to sustain him the construct will crumble and the Creature will be unleashed. The Greater will sink into a severe depression, almost becoming catatonic as his construct which he wanted the world to see has collapsed and the very thing which he does not want to be unleashed has escaped. I would reinforce that this is extremely rare because of the Greater’s ability to use supplementary sources and secure a primary source. Achieving the consignment to oblivion of the Greater through No Contact is very rare.

Suffice to say a successful departure and implementation of No Contact will almost slay the dragon and will result in the Greater becoming preoccupied with healing the wounds you have caused and focussing on his new primary source, giving you a period of respite, until such time as the conditions become right for further follow-up hoovers, but that is a different story.


27 thoughts on “How No Contact Feels – Part Three”

  1. HG,

    I applaud your choice of the Dragon to embody the Greater Narcissist.
    Yet, in different cultures dragons symbolize slightly different things.
    For clarity’s sake; is your choice of dragon representative of the treasure-hoarding and sacrificial-virgin consuming variety found in Western culture?


  2. My Narc and I were briefly in relationship, for more than three months. He is Greater and highly educated, intelligent and successful person. I guess he chose me among other reasons, because I am very successful and educated too. In that period of time, he managed to abuse me psychologically, emotionally and physically, to test me, scare me, humiliate.. I broke up three times and have always returned to him unfortunately. He had never diskard me. I dont know that he was with other women in that period. In the end of our relationship, when I wanted escape he suggested therapy, but on the end I rejected everything. We broke up before 4 months, the last contact was before 2 months, when I rejected to back into relationship again. I am terribly dependent and I think that he knows.. Since he never discard me, my question is, will he try contact again? Revenge?
    Thank you in advance

  3. Hi HG. Youll never guess who’s back. Yep. The tHiNg!! (GN) Havent had any contact for nearly a year. Intervention Order and instructions from your Revenge book seemed to do the trick. Ohh happy days!! Well, the lieutenants have been busy, finding me and reporting back. Hence the appearance after so long. I refused to engage him of course, (he sat alone and looked pathetic) and on the 3rd occasion he came up from behind me and said “success! I wont be coming back here again!” and then left. He sent word (via text) to the owner of the place the following day too! She is aware of the history. She didnt respond. Pity play perhaps?
    So question is, will he be back? Could I have possibly sent him into chaos mode enough that he wont? I believe he has no IPPS.
    Thank you…

  4. Mine used to drop these:

    “The future for us is bright, do you realise that? Few couples are so fortunate to have what we have.”
    “You cannot do this. I said to myself only yesterday that I wanted to grow old with you.”

    Now he has me thinking he’s safe and respectful and all he wants is my happyness and serenity because I deserve it, because I suffered enough; but, he “promised” me, few months ago, to show me the only flaw I have, between one slap and the other.
    He never raise a hand on me, ever but I can’t forget those words. It’s a punishment that awaits me, the problem is: I’ve done nothing wrong.
    Oh, I know all the weird calculations and formulas to turn things on your side regardless but the thing is I don’t care.
    So I’m learning krav maga and we’ll see who gets what, eventually.

    1. But then again: I’m fighting a ghost.
      He’s getting under my skin, I’m back on your site to talk abiti him, I’m involved again.
      It took him about 4/5 months to get to this point and it’s way too close.

      1. Hi Giuila, I share your thoughts; we do indeed fight ghosts with our narcs. After 7 months NC mine said similar bs: “my friends couldn’t believe it when we finished, they said we were the blue-eyed golden couple.” “There’s never been another woman since I met you, I don’t go on dating sites anymore…’ finishing his pity play bs with this nugget: “I’ve got a couple of women friends, that’s all.” it would be funny if it wasn’t the realty of a warped mind. Like you, mine gets under my skin; he’s like poison running through my veins. Lol is that a song..?
        Anyway, I find concentrating on breathing exercises truly beneficial. Good luck. x

      2. Could be Alice Cooper, Poison :)))
        That’s what I need, to see myself in others so I understand what’s going on.
        The “I didnt see anyone since you left” or the “just a friend”, I got that too, like I cared to know, like I was interested if he had someone else or not.
        And repeating it, making me take a position about it. I think I somewhat believed him or considered it to be some truth.
        And that’s how he engaged with my empathy, again.

  5. Thought I’d share a message word for word I got after trying to leave him bear in mind English is his fifth language “I will be your good retirement.I will be your best end of life, I will offer you rest peace help.raise ur daughter and love u and ur girl for the rest of ur life” sounds so sweet and loving doesn’t it but as soon as it didn’t work the attack on my character started and every single part of my being was assassinated piece by piece. Just for the record I didn’t appreciate the first message because as he wrote it he was actively looking for other woman to fuck and throwing in veiled insults about my age

    1. I was just discarded a month ago. I know he blocks people phone numbers and he deleted me off social media. I feel like I won’t have to worry about a Hoover? When I got the rest of my things from our house I saw there had already been another female there. So I’m sure I’m replaced as primary source. It’s been hard to move on. I was hurt and sad. Then angry. Now I feel free. i had found a few items that were family heirlooms of his that I mailed to his mother. Somces he’s removed me from his life, I feel like there’s no Hoover to worry about.

      1. Not yet because he disengaged from you and therefore his attention is elsewhere, you have effectively been deleted. The risk will heighten when your replacement is devalued.

  6. I left mine in 2004, so it’s hard to remember details of hoovers. My husband doesn’t use charm – on anyone, especially me – back then, now or ever. I remember being terrified of his reaction to my leaving and spending months coming up with a plan without letting him know. I laid extensive groundwork with both families, my work and a counselor to avoid smearing as much as possible. By the time I moved into our vacation home, he didn’t say or do anything. He was visibly angry but very controlled. It was over two years later that I filed for divorce.

    I anticipated him refusing to accept the divorce papers. I knew he never even opened his mail at home, so I had my attorney mail them to him at his office in the court house. Oh my God did that cause all hell to break loose! I really never even thought about him not being the one to open his own mail. The office secretary (a spiteful narcissist who hated him) opened the documents and of course immediately told all and sundry.

    What I would never have anticipated was he had never told any of his lieutenants and friends at work that I had even left him! And I’d left him more than two years previously! They all thought I was still living with him and that everything was fine with our marriage.

    It was the most incandescent fury I’d ever seen from him and it seemed to last for months! If this had happened when I first left him, I might not have been able to withstand it. But I’d had two years to get established on my own and see that not only was it possible, it was so much better and happier than the previous 30 years with him.

    Eventually he cooled down and accepted reality. I never cut him off or went no contact, but all dealings with him were very difficult and I was burned many times – financially and otherwise. No one understood why I continued to put up with him – not even our children.

    From my perspective, after living with him for 30 years, he had become family and I can’t unfamily someone. It took another 5-7 years before we got to the point where we could actually enjoy one another’s company, which is where we are today.

      1. Thank you, Lori. That’s very sweet. I just did the best I could in the given situations.

    1. Windstorm, excellent preparatory work on ur part. Too bad his fury was eventually ignited. Hope u stayed safe. Glad he cooled off and accepted the truth finally.

      1. Thank you, Jenna. Ha, ha. Yeah I’m one of those people who meticulously plan everything. The total opposite of the “spur of the moment” people. Yes I was always safe. My exhusband considers himself above petty revenge, so that was never really a fear. My home here in the woods has always been an oasis of peace and tranquility for me.

        You have a great weekend!

  7. I was discarded. So I am keeping hope that since I didn’t leave and he discarded me there will be no hoovers. I’m sure he’s blocked my number, I’ve seen him do it to other people. He’s deleted me from social media. I’ll be more in the clear from him ever contacting me again?

    1. No Tess you are not. You will be for the next few months, probably longer, but there will be a risk of hoovers in the future.

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