You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

9 thoughts on “Tenacity

  1. Cathrine says:

    Lost in your own creation yes.. I am curious as to what you in a sense would define as the meaning of life? Beyond momentary contentment, beyond the fleeting sensation in accessing what you call fuel, in a way that extends beyond your personal limitations? For most of us it comes down to some kind of truly felt connection with something larger than life, or at least larger than us, be it love, friendship, belief of a religious nature, justice, a connection to the beauty of nature. Maybe sometimes selfishly but with an always open heart. What does it all come down to for you? What makes you tick without being able to connect in a real sense to the people around you and share some sort of universal values of wanting the world to be a better and less painful place for all of us?

  2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    What golden period? Don’t mind me – I’m bitter I never got one lol -maybe that’s a good thing because there is nothing to miss. Lol

  3. analise13 says:

    Does not the narcissist desire us not to give up on them, to be tenacious, is that not the ideal?

    To endure the abuse, the manipulation, the cheating and the silence and remain?

    It is a double edge sword. They despise us for enduring and hate us for leaving?
    When they want us we are painted white, when they do not we are painted black. It is always their choice of how they colour us.

    Regardless we can never remain a masterpiece in their eyes. It is never to our benefit to remain. We all must move on. Including the narcissist.

    There is such a sense of peace form reading your works HG, you really do make perfect sense.

  4. Cathrine says:

    Your prose is brilliant, captivating, brutal, a true work of art; your mind wicked to the core. I am enthralled and horrified at once, being a victim myself of one of your tortuous kind.
    Do you ever find yourself at a loss, lost in the woods of your own creation? A victim yourself to the labyrinthine nature of your personality disorder?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and what an interesting question. I do not feel lost, but I agree that it would be accurate to suggest that I am lost within my own creation.

  5. Merripen says:

    What excellent timing, as I was just pondering the futility of misplaced tenacity. The Golden Period is like doing emotional cocaine. Nothing real or natural (nothing from a normal) can compare with this experience. The fact that it is an illusion, the fact that it is nothing more than our greatest desires reflected back at us, is not known in the moment of the experience. This is a fleeting time, which can never be recaptured. We can try to move heaven and earth to recreate it, but nothing gold can stay. It brings to mind Robert Frost’s poem, “Nothing Gold Can Stay.” Lay HG’s lens over it and read it, anew.

    Nature’s first green is gold,
    Her hardest hue to hold.
    Her early leaf’s a flower;
    But only so an hour.
    Then leaf subsides to leaf.
    So Eden sank to grief,
    So dawn goes down to day.
    Nothing gold can stay.

    1. Diana Wyatt says:

      Oh, how I wish that I had known these things sooner.

      1. Merripen says:

        I feel the same. We need to somehow get HG’s information out to the masses.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          HG approves.

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