You Want To Wake Up


Remember when you would wake up and reach for your mobile ‘phone and find that loving and uplifting message that I had sent you? I always rose before you and ensured that a delicious, tantalising text was sent to you ready for when you woke. Like a morning cup of tea on your night stand it was that little gesture which made you feel special. It told you that the first thing that I thought of when I woke up was you. This message of love, desire, passions and excitement would provide you with the first buzz of the day, a delicious reminder of how wonderful I am and how marvellous we are together. The first text of the deluge that would follow throughout the day, scores of little gift-wrapped presents which you open and smile, laugh and melt over. Little did you realise that these messages had been recycled from your predecessor and would be used again for your replacement. Little did you also realise that two other people were receiving these messages first thing in the morning.

Now there is nothing. There is no chime of that early morning text. There is no winking light denoting the text waiting for you to open it. It is silence. As your eyes open, the conditioning that I caused makes you immediately remember how you used to feel when that text arrived. Where once you woke with excitement in your stomach now it is just the sharp stab of pain as you know there is nothing waiting for you. You understand this is how it should be, the need to stay away from me, but it hurts. It hurts so much and how long will this pain remain with you? Will it ever go away? Those months of daily morning texts has ingrained a pattern and a longing inside you and no matter how hard you try the first thought of your day is always

“Four months ago he was still sending me those wonderful texts.” Last month it was the same sentence only it began with three. You roll on to your back and though you know you shouldn’t, you cannot help but allow me into your mind even further as you recall those mornings where we ended up late for week because of our passionate love-making. That quick dart to the en suite and then back into bed where I was waiting for you. You turn and look at the empty pillow and that all too familiar bitter sweet sensations sweeps across you. You know you should not do this. You know you ought now to seek refuge amongst the ghosts of once what was, but it makes the pain lessen, just for a while and it is just a memory isn’t it, thinking about me just the one time cannot do any harm can it? Just the one time. You give a twisted smile at that sentence which has somehow become your daily mantra as you struggle to escape the toxins that I have left inside you, the legacy of my oh so effective seduction and poisoning of you. Just the one time you check on my tweets and who is following me and who I am following. Just the one time you parked near where I lived and watched slumped in your driver’s seat to see who might appear at my door. Just the one time you sent a friend to watch me at an event you knew I would be attended and to report back on what she saw. Just the one time you re-read the e-mails I sent you. It was just the one time for them all and more, well one time a week then one time a day, but I dont know what you are doing do I, so where is the harm? Just the one time you return to my Facebook profile, scouring it, looking for clues like some desperate detective intent on tracking down the prolific killer. You check what I have liked, a picture here, a comment there, some meme about relationships which could be a dig at you but you are not sure. Any trace of you has been erased from my profile, gone are the messages, the comments and the pictures. Somebody else is there now, although there is some ambiguity. A red-headed woman appears in several pictures, laughing with me. You see one where her arms is draped around my shoulders and you feel the burning jealousy and anger and curse both you and I for this feeling. You fling your tablet to one side, muttering under your breath, just the one look having derailed your day before it has begun and vow not to look again. But you will. Just one look. A journey through the carousel of pictures, checking fingers to see if rings have appeared on them, of both me (it would be awful to see that rings on my wedding finger, something I always denied you) and of the women I pose with (it makes you feel sort of better if they wear a ring, that means that they won’t be with me, doesn’t it?)

You skulk amongst my twitter posts and return to my profile on my work website, reading the biography which you know off by heart. Your fingers rest on my profile picture as you see again the tie which you bought me for that particular photo shoot. Some days you wish it would be updated and then others days this once look makes you feel that perhaps I do not hate you, how can I if I still allow this picture to remain? You try not to think about me but somehow your mind just wanders there of its own volition, snaking through a thousand memories that spring up each day. Perhaps you will stay awhile amidst them, just the once minute of remembering. At the weekend you drove out to the forest path we used to amble along during sunny September mornings. Nobody else was ever there. Just you and I. You walked that path again, it was just the one time you needed to do it, to converse with the ghost of my presence as you found yourself talking aloud to me as if I was still walking beside you, holding your hand. It was meant to be just the one time but you have returned three times since, each time swearing that this time is when you exorcise those spectres.

What am I doing now? No doubt getting ready for work, perhaps showering and singing away as I once did in the shower we shared. Am I with somebody? Is somebody preparing breakfast for me or reclining in bed waiting for me to return to the bedroom towel draped about me? It seems so long since you have heard from me and so much remains unanswered, unsaid and unresolved. How would I react if you rang me? You cannot bring yourself to delete my number, just in case there was that one final conversation which could take place and put so many issues to bed, slay so many demons and close so many doors. That would all that it would take surely? Just the one conversation. Keep it business like, keep your emotions in check but just to get some answers so you can move on. Surely that is owed to you? You wonder whether I would answer if you rang me? How would I react if I saw your number on the display? You doubt I have blocked you, why would I do that? Your fingers toy with your phone, you need to know, just the once, just to make the hurt go away. You find my name. You want to hear my voice again, talk and no more but you feel anxious and the trepidation crawls over you. You need to know. You need the answers. What about ringing me and then stopping before I answer to see if I call back? Yes, that is a good idea, that would then show that I do want to talk to you, without the fear of having me hang up on you. That’s it. You will telephone me again after these months of nothing and let it ring and then this ever present agony can be eased. The questions can be answered when I call you back. You will not melt into my arms again. No, you are going to resist those sweet charms because you know what lies behind them. You have earned your stripes in that regard but you need to have this conversation, for yourself. You need to know I will talk to you. A text message isn’t immediate enough. I might not see it for some time or delay in replying, but a missed call, that brings a potential for urgency and immediacy and I am bound to respond to that aren’t I. You will call me. You will call and let it ring. Just the one time.

22 thoughts on “You Want To Wake Up

  1. Flora says:

    Well said; this captures it precisely. I’d like to hear more about the “withdrawal” experience from your side, HG, though I know there’s likely not one…that would require the complete depletion of fuel, which narcs generally take great measures to avoid.

    The latest narc in my life just gave me the silent treatment for four days…at which point I told him not to contact me again (yes; I mean it)and have blocked him since. Nobody’s going to dangle me on their twisted narc fuel thread.

  2. echo says:

    … it really feels like an addict trying to detox. Gotta wait it out and try to stay away from the drugs 🙁
    Grateful that your writings are making things easier to see. Thank you.

  3. Noname says:

    Off and on topic at the same time.

    Although I’m not a fan of such type of music, but when I watched the Katy Perry “Wide awake” videoclip and listened to its lyric, I could relate myself to both of it completely. I remember I was thinking “Where should I sign it?”. Lol. That was my way of recover from Narcissistic harsh reality when I was a teenager.

    For recover, we don’t need to “wake up”. We need to be “wide awake”.

  4. karma says:

    I used to be this person whom were longing for his messages after the horrible silent abuse. Today a few months with no contact what so ever I feel relieved and are enjoying the ‘normal texting’ with ‘normal men’…. It was such a mind fuck! Today I know better…. wasted so many years with this terrible man who is still a terrible person. Heard via the grape wine he is doing terrible… oh well… Karma!

  5. Diva says:

    “Now there is nothing.”

    What do you mean by NOW there is nothing?……..there was never anything……..if you think with your logical mind as opposed to your emotional one…….you can’t really miss, what you never really had…….I no longer do in any case……….

    Granted, I have gone through some of the motions and emotions as indicated above…..but once you convince yourself of what he truly is, you will realise that you are wasting precious mind time on him, that serves no real purpose. Precious wasted time that could be spent more productively with your mother, father, son, daughter, friends or anyone else that truly loves you and those that are able to reciprocate with true feelings……Diva

    1. angela says: are rigth.
      After we know how those persons are..after a few time to understand… one thinking to them… read only to not forget they are around us….

  6. ANK says:

    I started to read this and it brought it all back. I wanted to stop reading, but I couldn’t. Read it to the end and the pain came rushing back. Bastard Narchole.
    One day hopefully I will be able to read this and feel nothing.

  7. IJ says:

    I use fb a lot for work, so I get lots of messages. That fb msngr “ping” makes my heart jump up in my throat EVERY TIME, even though in the last 6 months it has rarely been him. Intermittent reinforcement in play even though I barely get crumbs from him lately. I hate it.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Honest of you to admit.

  8. Merripen says:

    You really know how to find the most tender spot and push a stick into it. if this bright pain fast-forwards my healing, then bring it on, HG.

    1. Lori says:

      I am not so sure it does fast forward your (nor my) healing, Merripen. Lately, I’ve been thinking about HG’s posts and how we devour the words and soak in the meaning of our resident expert’s writings. But it would seem to me that as we replay the pain and the energetic tie that binds it really isn’t doing us much good… perhaps only keeping us controlled by our emotions which are triggered by HG’s oh so eloquent musings and replaying for us our life’s deepest felt heartbreak.

      If we truly do not want that abuse and neglect and heartbreak again then we cannot look at it and yet not perpetuate that vibration or that energy to be drawn towards us. It’s not in harmony with who we are any longer so let’s take our attention from it so that our current vibration will adjust back to the real me, and the real you…

      I really liked Clare’s post above as it shows that she has done that.

      Maybe it’s time for me to put my energy on a little more guided meditation videos and not the narc videos.. and stop reading all the information and blogs on narcissism and start reading about things I want to become more in line with… positive, helpful, soul quenching things for myself… I suspect visualizing my beautiful next chapter will probably help me fast forward my healing much better and more quickly.

      … just a thought ….

  9. analise13 says:

    HG, this makes me think about hoovers. It has a nostalgic feel to it for me. As I recall feeling much of what you wrote.

    HG. Could you tell us about the most recent appliance you have hoovered?

    Her status, as a previous IPPS or IPSS etc.?

    How you hoovered her, was it in person, by proxy or by phone or text?

    And how she responded to your hoover. Or if she didn’t respond as you had hoped.

    I think this would provide even more valuable insight into the dos and don’t of hoover tactics and responses. Thank you, in advance.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I hoovered Olivia, a previous IPPS, yesterday, by telephone. She responded with enthusiasm and provided a good half an hour of positive fuel.

      1. analise13 says:

        Thank you so much HG.

        Is Olivia still smitten with you, why she responded as she did? Or will she always respond the same way?

        Does she think the formal relationship could resume In the future, based on you contacting her?

        When you disengaged her initially was her devaluation brutal or slight?

        What did you feel after you hung up the phone, power, control, adoration?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          She is.
          It could if I wanted it to, but I do not.
          Her devaluation was 6.7 on the Tudor Scale.

          1. analise13 says:

            Wow 6.7 sounds damaging.

            What does that level of devaluing destruction entail?

            Why do you not want to resume a formal relationship with her,
            Does she know you are a narcissist ?

            HG, what was Olivia’s final fault or fatal flaw for you to initially disengage her? She sounds wonderfully forgiving.

      2. Lori says:

        HG, how is that different than those of us (non Narc’s) that do the same… just call up a friend, or past lover and chit chat and get the same half an hour of feeling good after we’ve spoken to them? We simply don’t use the same descriptive name.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because it was not chit chat, I had no interest in what she had to say about herself, I wanted her fuel and I got it. It was a one-sided manipulation. Therein lies the difference.

  10. Clare says:

    Now I wake up beside a loyal and decent man, my husband, a man who truly loves me. An honest man. A man I can trust.
    Your betrayal is in the past; I don’t need to recall the fantasy you created. I know it wasn’t real. I have compared notes with other victims who have dumped you too.
    We have moved on. We are happy. Stronger than ever.
    We know there is a new victim. Maybe several.
    Your life is your cross to bear. We wish you well sure in the knowledge that you will never be happy or understand how beautiful life is.

    1. Ekaterina Smith says:

      Hi Clare. I am glad you are happy now, but I was wondering whats the use for you of coming back to HG site? I am only trying to make sense of all this and give my self some comforting thoughts that once I have moved on, there will be no needs for me of dwelling on my past. Only to thanks HG for his great work and his enormous contribution into my healing process , made a peace with my past and leave it behind.

  11. Patricia J says:

    I am 3 months no contact with a GN. (Jason Bourne/John Wick wanna be). I have not called or texted him. This week i have gotten three “private Number” calls with tapping sounds like morse code left on them. It could not ne anyone other then him. I believe he is feeling critizied or possibly provoking me to call to show his new girlfriend….

  12. gabbanzobean says:

    It is like you have read my mind and described my life! Right down to the work profile bio and the long walk where I converse with your ghost as if you are still beside me.

    There really is a Narc textbook isn’t there?

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