What Do We Feel?

 

WHAT DO WE FEEL_ 

It is often said about our kind that we are effectively dead. This refers to an emotional demise. This emotional demise is linked to the perception that we do not feel. This state of emotional deadness is also connected to the concept that our kind feel empty, that there is a vast chasm inside of us, a howling wilderness where there is nothing. If we are emotionally dead, what caused that? Who or what might the slayer be? Is there any prospect of resurrection? Do we feel nothing? Is there this all-pervading sense of nothingness inside of us?

I am not emotionally dead.

Why do I write this? It is because I do feel things. I feel the burning harshness that flows from criticism of me. I feel jealousy when people are listening to somebody else in the group and not me. I feel envy when I see a car that is superior to mine. I feel frustration when I am not causing someone to do as I want. I feel hatred for those who have turned against me and through their perfidious treachery they seek to do me harm. I feel the fury when I respond to the criticism. Those feelings are strong, visceral and real. I also feel power. I feel that familiar surge as the first flames of power spark into life, brought into being by the application of fuel and then they grow. The surging sensation increases and courses through me, invigorating me and edifying me. It drives me forward, causes me to feel like I am bursting as it enables me to shine, to dazzle and to perform. The intensity of this feeling is substantial and not only is it necessary for me to feel like this, it is addictive.

What then of those other emotions, sadness, joy, happiness, fear, concern, compassion and so forth? Where are those emotions? They are absent. I do not feel them. I have seen in those around me certain responses and listened to people describe them so that I know what happiness looks like and I know what it feels like to you, but I do not feel it. It is clear to me that when you feel happy, I feel powerful. When you feel joy, I feel a greater sense of power. Accordingly, it is correct to state that in respect of those emotions I am dead, or is that entirely accurate. For something to die it must first have once lived. Something must have been there to begin with and then have vanished, been obliterated or removed. Was I once happy and then the capacity to be happy was taken away from me? Who removed it? Was it the act of someone else or did I decide to strip happiness from myself and arm myself with power instead? Then again, is it the case that certain elements of my emotional spectrum are not dead at all but instead I have experienced some kind of emotional paralysis. Are those emotions somewhere but they have been halted, capped, muted? I know from my reading and observation that, for example, compassion appears to be learned from others. Was I once learning to be compassionate and then for some reason it stopped and has never been allowed to develop again? Was I once able to experience joy but then that was stunted and halted and kept from me?

Alternatively, it might be that with regard to certain emotions I am neither emotionally dead or emotionally paralysed. In both those instances it must follow that the emotion was once there but has either been removed (death) or halted (paralysis). What if the emotion was never there to begin with? What if I was created without the capacity for joy, for sadness of for compassion? What if I was created in a different way? What if my creation and development meant that it was necessary to forgo such emotions in order to facilitate a certain way of being which allowed me to achieve and accomplish more effectively without being hampered or hindered by such emotions. I have no concern for who I might tread on, on the way up, so I climb that much quicker and that much higher than other people. Might it be the case that in order to have those who excel in so many fields it was necessary for us to be denied certain emotions to ensure we were effective? I readily admit that not everyone who is a leader in their field, an achiever and a winner is necessarily one of us, but we are over-represented. Even if someone might not be regarded as one of our kind, I know that they will possess more of our traits and to a greater degree than they do not. Perhaps this was a necessary trade-off so that the pioneers, conquerors and leaders would advance but at a personal cost in terms of the provision of certain emotions. Perhaps we were never granted those emotions to begin with? Through my increasing awareness with the good doctors I am forming a view.

Do I laugh? Am I amused? Do I have a sense of humour? Yes, I do and I know I have an excellent sense of humour (aside from when you do not do what I want or criticise me). I have been asked what do I feel when I laugh? If I am laughing along with others at something I have said, then I feel power because I am being fuelled. What do I feel if I laugh when I am watching a comedian on stage or on television? I laugh because I know it is expected of me in such a scenario. I laugh because I can work out that what was said was witty or amusing, but I do not feel any power. I do not feel any uplifting sensation in the way that you have described to me. Often I feel a sense of unrest and the clamour of jealousy because people are laughing at someone else’s wit and not mine.

What do I feel when I see one of my country’s athletes securing gold at the Olympics? Am I proud of them? I know to say the correct things to provide recognition for their achievement but again I feel a sense of envy that it is not me on that podium receiving the accolade of the crowd in the stadium. I can see you sat next to me clapping and smiling and I am jealous that you are clapping this person on the television and not me. I can feel the first prick of the wound because your applause for them and not me suggests they are better than me and thus you are criticising me. I feel the need to tell you about my sporting achievements so you give me praise and thus the criticism is abated before it has caused too much damage and before my fury is ignited. I may instead allow the fury to ignite and find some way of lashing out at you so you react and provide me with your attention through being hurt and upset. This is why on so many occasions you will be doing something with us that is pleasant and enjoyable and then in the blink of an eye an argument has come out of nowhere or a brag or boast appears linked to what we are doing. I cannot feel happy for that athlete. I can acknowledge the achievement because he is a winner and I love to win. I will acknowledge the achievement and apply what I have learned in order to show the correct feelings if I am in a situation where it would not be appropriate to unleash some heated fury, for instance if it would crack my façade, but I will be desperate to bring the conversation or attention onto me by remarking how I won gold in the country championships as a teenager or start talking about my latest achievement at work.

What do I feel when I see an advert for a charity on the television? Am I moved by the images and the mournful accompanying soundtrack. Do I feel pity, sympathy and compassion? No, I do not. I feel nothing. If I hear you making sympathetic noises then just as in the example above I want your attention on me, not on the orphan on the screen. I may comment about my charitable work so your praise me. I may pass a scathing remark about how it is a waste of money because very little of the money donated actually reaches the person who needs it, the bulk of the money being swallowed up by administrative and advertising costs in order to make you react. I may go further and blame the subject of the charitable activities as culpable for their own predicament in order to bring a heightened emotional reaction from you at my callous remarks.

I do feel. I feel many emotions and many emotions I do not feel at all. I also do feel a sense of emptiness which I seek to fill through the sensation of power. I need to fill up with this power to remove this sense of emptiness. This emptiness makes me feel uneasy and unsettled. I feel like I am disappearing and that by gathering fuel to make me feel powerful I am asserting my existence again. I am recognised, venerated and lauded.

I know what I feel. I also know what I do not feel. I have an awareness and growing understanding of why I feel as I do. I have an awareness as to why I must act as I do with regard to those feelings. I am ascertaining and working out why I feel in a different fashion to you. I understand my need for power and what it does for me. I understand the effects of this power and the consequences of its generation.

I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.

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42 thoughts on “What Do We Feel?”

  1. Hg – If a MR narc’s wife died four years ago is the grieving widow bit a pity play? Would he even be able to miss a person like that? If it is an act is he aware that he does it all for pity? Does he mourn her loss when no one is around to watch him? He would say things like she made the holidays the holidays and she was his soulmate. He refuses to get rid of any furniture or move anything around the house. Everything around the house is exactly as it was while his wife was alive.

    1. The grieving widower routine after this time is a manipulative pity play. He will not mourn the loss when nobody was around. He misses the fuel, not the person and uses the absence and the apparent role of grief-stricken widower to gain more fuel.

  2. Would a mid-range narcissist cry? I know they fake cry. I mean cry because they felt sorrow. And if they can, is it sorrow for themselves?

  3. Tappan

    I know how you feel…the inner conflict. I love my brother, but I’m on the edge of giving up. And that’s a HORRIBLE thing to think, let alone say. But what am I supposed to do-I knew what he was and I gave him a chance regardless and he ignored it. Well, actually he did more than just ignore it-he threw the fact that I even GAVE him one in my face and mocked me for it.

    When I confronted him about his word not being worth the air it took for him to give it, he said, in the most mocking tone you can imagine, and actually with a little chuckle, “Hey, I don’t know why you took my word in the first place.”

    God, what an asshole.

  4. YOLO — my nex was married for 10+ yrs. I wondered too. Looking back I think it was for fuel, and also finances. Plus he had what HG would call a bolthole with in their spacious, high status house. He did as he pleased. I didn’t get it then. I do now. The longer one is married (this gags me to say) the more their “mutual” (read: hers) can be split. Its grotesque that it is that mathematical. I suspect that was the case which I observed. No other reason to stay. Or depart.

  5. My fellow empaths. Does anyone else read this and feel TORN WITH SO MUCH EMPATHY they regret escape and or NC? Great piece. But I am more conflicted now that I “left” him. Such a vulnerable soul.. and like maybe NOW I could “handle” him (aka fix or at least dismiss the abuse..) Ugg. This is not an abuse negater but I feel so conflicted. And miss my narc.

    1. Your emotional thinking cons you into thinking that you miss him because of the addiction that has been created. Logic tells you there is nothing to miss.

    2. Tappan Zee

      You cannot love him to be whole or to be more than the “vulnerable soul” you view him to be. Your emotions are distorting your view to accept him as less than your abuser and more of a victim but this is not the case. Even of he were a “vulnerable soull” it is not your duty to be abused to allow him to reach a better state. If I remember correctly he caused you to consider drastic and harmful action to yourself at one point. If you have been pushed to that point no, you cannot “handle” him. It would be like taking just a little bit of heroin and that never ends with a good result.

      1. NA — ty for the indepth input.
        I need to hear these things.
        SO appreciate the insight!

    3. Tappan zee
      We can never fix a narcissist just like we can never fix an alcoholic. Both conditions require the change to come from within. It has to be the one with the condition who wants to change and he has to make the change thru his own effort and determination

  6. “I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.”…….

    You can call me cynical but that’s a worrying prospect!!!!! Forever sceptical but I sincerely hope you prove me wrong HG……Diva

  7. HG

    Well you should love Canadians then because we arent provoking much of your envy while watching the Olympics.

    Seriously though, you are far too intelligent not to know that when you try to take the attention away from others and place it on you that the person you are speaking to will politely listen, agree and even encourage you, but this is because they see the desperation of your needing the attention and feel pity for you, so they allow your assertions. This has happened often in groups I have been a part of and usually the conversations after you leave will be of how you must always have the spotlight and can never give credit. Those who do it most regularly and in a boastful manner are met with “okaaaay……back to you” by me and met with stifled grins by the others but it does not seem deter the behaviour in future gatherings. So to further understand- it doesnt matter to you what happens as a result of you hijacking the conversation as long as your acheivments are heard in that moment because being in the spotlight dampens the flames of jealousy? Or your mind just does not allow that what I have explained happens in your absence in order to protect yourself? You are that insular?

    Fascinating to read your views on this subject. Raised some questions for me but answered many more.

  8. God HG This is a beautiful post. I am so proud of you. This post sounds so different from others you have written. It’s ok to feel envy, and jealousy too. We all feel those. I learned when I envy someone all it means, is that I would like whatever they have, too.

    I’m gonna sleep better tonight after readingthispost.

    Please please please know how much the ladies who have loved you, have loved you. I’ll never stop rooting for you. Keep walking. Love to you. Always.

    PS. Have you ever googled Ayuhausca? Cos I wonder if that could help you walk.

      1. H.G. why do most stay with their wives/husbands for so long? I imagine because of the DLS continues to pursue and provide negative and positive fuel.

      2. A combination of reasons. Firstly, the negative fuel remains potent and any external prospect is not viewed as the right material for IPPS to cause a disengagement. Certain narcissists see considerable value in the facade of a marriage and maintain it whilst securing fuel from other sources through infidelity. There may be residual benefits provided by the IPPS which mean the narcissist will not give them up even though they are being devalued and this becomes more important with the advancement of age for some narcissists. With others the oscillation between devaluation and respite period over and over again with a victim who will never try to escape means that that IPPS is worth maintaining.

    1. Know what they cry from? Maybe, and that’s maybe, when they finally get caught, and we’re talking criminal stuff, two tears will fall and that’s Only from embarassment they’ve been caught.

  9. Dear Mr Tudor,
    My heartfelt thanks for allowing us into your mind, I utterly respect your openness! Your eloquence is like no other.
    I truly wish you well in your quest, as we are on a quest also!
    Thank you from an extremely grateful recipient

  10. “I am not the walking dead. I am walking towards something.”

    The bravest thing I have had to do was let him walk alone. The loneliest I have ever felt is when he did not look back. The painful truth is that he felt nothing and, as always, I felt it all for both of us.

  11. This is an interesting one and I completely agree that narcs do have feelings, they don’t possess the feeling of wanting attachment or love, they know full well when they are inflicting pain. They refuse to get emotionally attached, as soon as it starts happening they move on or start the process of getting rid. And I think this refusal of attachment comes from some trigger in that persons life, no one is born a narc, they have witnessed something which they have linked to attachment, been hurt or expressed unhappy emotions and they learn by not becoming attached they won’t experience this again. They learnt at some point no matter how much you love something be it a cat, dog, family at some point that attachment and loved that was formed will be taken away, when this happens they don’t know how to process hear feelings. Also HG, I don’t know if you agree but I do think some people are narcs due to living up to the self fulfilling prophecy at some point in their lives

  12. My therapist claims people can be born as a narc but that’s hard to believe you have said mid range and lessors have no awareness but at some point don’t they notice they are different even if they don’t know how or why I would think for example if a tragedy happens they would notice it doesn’t bother them like others wouldn’t they notice things like that at some point

    1. Of course they notice they are different, but they don’t understand that it comes from being narcissistic. They simply believe that they are special, or better able to handle pain or better able to focus on what is important or any other rationalisation of why they don’t feel sad, for example.

      The narc I was involved with was of that persuasion… High cognitive empathy and thus he felt ‘above’ the usual emotions, in control. I’m sure he’s convinced he could definitely feel all the emotions in the world, but why would he?! He’s much too evolved for that.

  13. Thank you; this is fascinating! There are some things in which you have written that I can fully understand because I have the feeling of fury, and emptiness, too. Only I am terribly remorseful, afterward, of my actions in relation to the fury. And the emptiness, I must fill up with love- lots of love. I want to love someone fully, completely, and loyally. (Of course, I am not an NPD… just other issues).

    I think it is so commendable, Mr. Tudor, that you, (along with the help of the good doctors), are working out the “why’s” of such things concerning yourself.

    You are not only helping others presently, but are also leaving behind a legacy that will help Nons and Your Kind is uncountable ways. You do such important work, and a great service.

    Mr. Tudor, you inspire me to wish to do something great, too, that I can leave behind- although it will be nowhere as excellent, or even on the very edges of comparing with what you are doing, of course. I just mean that you inspire me.

    1. I guess my questions on the blog are too stupid for you to lower yourself enough in order to answer, unlike everyone else’s questions that you answer. O, fine.

      1. Rhyming Fun

        Was your question on another article? I dont see one here. I as well as many others have questions in moderation and not all questions get answered directly by HG. Sometimes he posts an article that will answer that question in more detail, or he will get to it when he has more time depending on the length or number of questions and the explanation required. Frequently it is answered in a response to another commenter or the commenter will answer your question. Time and many other variables. Be assured it is not because your questions are stupid and it is not personal-we have all experienced it.

  14. And when we do focus all of what we have on you…you grow weary and exhausted anyway because you need chocolate ice cream instead of strawberry. You bore or tire of us; until your palate changes and you want to taste whatever flavor we are again. We will never make you happy and satiated no matter how hard we try. And you’ll always be empty. No one wins. 😕

    1. That may be true but they can’t help that. Think if I paralyzed person in a wheelchair. In many cases no amount of physical therapy can ever make them move again. Same thing with a narc. They have a handicap that you can’t snap your fingers and make disappear. In most cases therapy doesn’t work.

      1. Yes, devastatingly accurate. Physical paralysis, yes, no cure. The mind is even more powerful though. And I guess that’s what makes it so difficult.

  15. Do you know yet for sure what you are walking towards? Or is it still forming in your mind as your introspection increases?

      1. I imagine that’s true for most of us. Even when we think we know, we can never really foresee what the future holds for us. Many people seem to just be wandering blindly with no plan at all.

        You are strong, intelligent and introspective. Just keep walking. You will get to where you are supposed to be and be able to handle whatever you find there.

      2. Very wise words, Windsorm, and I join to your wishes.

        Everything will be alright, Tudor.

  16. Brilliantly said & extremely articulate …
    Your insights become an application for my safety.
    I don’t think I realized until just now how much you are truly putting into your work, writing etc.

    Thank you for being willing to seek out your own insights. No matter the reason or the catalyst for doing so.

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