A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 6

 

A LETTER TO THE NARCISSIST -MLO'S LETTER

Dear Narc,

 I don’t know what to say to you anymore.
I can’t muster up the anger I once had and I definitely can’t muster up any love.   You are becoming more and more of a memory that will hopefully be completely gone.
There was a time when I would have given you anything in the world,  anything you asked for.  I do wish you knew that.  But you killed that person,  that woman who thought she had at last found her soulmate.  I’m more of a husk now I’m sorry to say,  more of a hole, just like you.
You won because I won’t even try to find love anymore. I wish I could say I would.  I’ve had it in the past and I know what it looks like but no, I won’t try.
I know you’ll keep trying to find what you think is love.  I know you are desperately trying to find it now and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I just feel apathy.
I’m weary inside. I’m worn out. I’m dry and I have nothing to give which I guess is a good thing. I won’t even respond to any offers of love, not from anyone and definitely not from you.
You are not who I thought you were but I’m not who I was anymore. The smile has faded, my bones ache and there’s nothing here for you anymore. You said that I am lower than a homeless person and in many ways you are  right. I have a lot in common with them because we both have nothing left to fight for anymore. Nevertheless, there is one thing which is on the bright side and that  is the fact that I won’t be fighting for your love anymore either.

47 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 6

  1. Kim michaud says:

    Thank you that letter was written on a bad day but thankfully I don’t always feel that low

  2. Lisa says:

    MLO. Very sad letter. Heart wrenching really. I saw a meme ages ago. I think its beautiful. It simply says
    “what if I fall?” “but darling, what if you fly?”

  3. analise13 says:

    HG, what an exquisite you have chosen for Kim’s letter.

    1. analise13 says:

      That was to say exquisite image, HG. Same with images #1and #4.

    2. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

      1. analise13 says:

        I am always in awe of your words and comparable imagery.

  4. analise13 says:

    Raw and real, Kim.
    It is always best to lay your emotions out for yourself.
    Not the narcissist.
    To be able to dissect them and repiece them together for your own benefit.
    You are not a husk, nor are you empty.
    You are emerging from a cocoon.
    Your posts here are testament to that.
    He has not destroyed who you are.
    I hope he does not destroy your belief in love either.

  5. kimmichaud1 says:

    I’m not sure if we are allowed to comment on our own letters but if we are thank you so much HG for publishing it. I wrote this in five seconds on a very very very very bad day and didn’t think it was worthy of publication. I’m very impressed with the picture you chose to illustrate my letter. I think it beautifully illustrates the sadness I felt when I wrote it especially the hole and missing piece of the woman . Thank you also so much to everyone who commented on my letter , I honestly did not think anyone would understand or resonate with my letter, although I’m so sorry some of you also felt the same pain ,it’s very comforting to know you moved passed it, gives me a lot of hope.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, you may comment on your own letter. I am pleased you found the accompanying image applicable.

    2. narc affair says:

      Kimi wonderful entry!! 🤗

  6. Tappan Zee says:

    I need to write a letter.
    So afraid of the pain.
    Or letting go it it.
    Facing truth.
    For real.
    Hurts.

  7. K says:

    MLO
    Your weariness is palpable in your words and your light flickers with sorrow, that is so profound, that it pulls at my own memories of grief. The betrayal and loss breaks your heart, smothers hope and derelicts dreams. Indeed, the memories do slowly fade once we give up the ghost to save what was never real to begin with. I am with you in spirit.

  8. narc affair says:

    Wow this letter is so sad. Time fades and time heals and you will wake from the coma of grief 💓 dont let this shell of a person steal your hope in life. Take time to feel the sadness and grieve the loss. You wont always feel this way (((hugs))) ty for sharing.

  9. Diva says:

    “I can’t muster up the anger I once had and I definitely can’t muster up any love.”

    MLO you are actually much further on in the healing process than you may realise…..it is a sad and tragic letter, but it is just a phase and it will not be long until you move to the next phase……a much better one than where you are now……….Diva

  10. Debbie says:

    Yes so ture u hit the nail right on the head. …sadly. …they break you’re heart. ..and rape your soul !!! 😭

  11. Cordelia says:

    How this one hurts. MLo’s pain is palpable. I wonder how soon after discard this letter was written?

  12. Nichola Gange says:

    I have been feeling this way, for soooooo long! It has taken me over a year to get to the point where I realised that all my fuel wasn’t good enough and I was banging my head against a brick wall… It does get better, but only when YOU realise that narcs can’t change. (You can) It has nothing to do with you or the amount of love or fuel you gave them……Bank your fuel for yourself. This is your time…..I find yoga and meditation can help with the healing. Mary Maddox has some good meditation podcasts for healing, renewal and loneliness……Things will change, it just takes time sometimes

  13. Diane Bannard says:

    So accurate in how I feel. Great letter. So sorry you had to go through this too. I have lost my ability to trust and want to love again. I feel I don’t have good judgement to see a man’s true character to let my heart be open again. Still healing. I refuse to let this defeat me though.

    1. ANK says:

      It’s a terrible place to be… Wanting to be loved but not being able to trust anyone’s love anymore in case it’s not real.

      Wish I was able to not want love and affection.💔

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        ANK
        I know it feels that way now, but I found if you start giving love and affection out freely to the people you work and interact with, you will begin to get it showered back to you. For me that is very healing.

        1. ANK says:

          Windstorm2,

          Thank you for your comforting words.

          I give love and affection to family and friends, and receive some from them. It is heart-warming and healing indeed to receive.

          I want love and affection from a partner but I don’t think I will ever get that as I’m not sure I will be able to give love in a romantic sense again – I don’t want my heart broken a third time so caught in a Catch 22.

          I run in the other direction as soon as a man shows interest now – I am not ready to even think about a new relationship at the moment as I know I need to heal. I’m not sure if I will ever trust again.

          Dumb thing is I was trying to get over a previous breakup and Narchole came along, charmed me, I started to forget about my breakup and fell for him in the process, little knowing what he was, that he deliberately targeted me. That is the trap I must avoid falling into again and the only way to avoid it at the moment is to stay single. But that is a lonely place to be for me.

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            ANK
            I know what you mean. I could never trust a man again that way either. I’m in a catch 22 of my own that way since the only men I really enjoy being around are narcs and we all know where that would go. – do you know the children’s book, “If you give a mouse a cookie…?”

            When I said share happiness and be helpful to others, I didn’t just mean friends and family. What’s done me a world of good is reaching out to strangers. Smiling at all I meet. Being cheery with cashiers and stockers in stores. Actively sending out positive energy to everyone I come across, especially the unfriendly.

            At first it was a challenge, but soon I found that this filled me with happiness and cheer. How they responded or even if they responded didn’t matter. I can be alone driving the car and broadcast happiness at passing cars and it will fill my own heart with happiness. All my narcs think that’s totally crazy and insane, but I say, “Hey, you can’t argue with success and it definitely works for me.” I think just conjuring up the smiles and friendly words creates happiness in myself. Might be worth a try.

          2. ANK says:

            Windstorm2,

            I think I am the same – only attracted to narc types. Not that I chase them. In fact it the other way round, they pursue me and I have fallen for them.

            I have not hears of that book. I shall have to look it up.

            Regarding happiness and being helpful to others – that’s second nature to me, even strangers, although I can be rather, but I shall take on board what you have said and try to smile and be cheerful to all.

            I have to confess. This reply is as good a place as any…. I fell off the wagon on my birthday. I wasn’t expecting him to contact me, but he did, he came round and I was intimate with him. Although this time it was not with a feeling of love or longing for him as such, more a case of ‘I’ll take what I can get from you’ . He was full of bullcrap saying that he missed me. Really? I don’t think so. I said he had his new woman so why should he miss me.

            He replied that he was only seeing her once a week, and any way she was divorced now. I said oh that’s good, she can be with you now ( playing the game ). His response ‘Na, she’s got kids’

            That was nearly a month ago and I have not heard from since.

          3. Windstorm2 says:

            ANK
            I think one reason they call it “Falling off the wagon” is because, like a slow moving wagon, all you have to do is pick yourself up and get back on. Each time it happens, I think it reinforces those hard truths we’re trying to accept. It gives us more evidence that they are really true and helps us to finally accept how things really are and move on with our lives. So consider it a learning experience.

            If You Give a Mouse a Cookie always makes me think of narcs because they are never satisfied, they always want more, always want control and continually try to play us.

          4. ANK says:

            Yes I see it Windstorm now that you have put it like that.

            You are wise, warm and wonderful with your insights. X

      2. Tappan Zee says:

        ANK—Wish I was able to not want love and affection.

        That seems what keeps or kept me anchored to the narc. And also what keeps me stuck post escape.

        The more I read the more I “get” what attracted me. And made logic vanish. I had the same holes he did. Needing to be filled. Only a different construct. We were in many ways very very (too) similar. And I don’t mean in a mirroring way. Intrinsically. Our “methods” were so different tho.

        I left before knowing he was a narc or finding HG. It hurts more now the longer I am out and away. Unthawing. HG would and has said not to let complacency in..

        Yet I am full throttle sad. For him. Us. The illusion. All. Good thing I am out WITH a restraining order. By me. Or I would surely be back. Long response.

        1. ANK says:

          Tappan Zee,

          Thank you for your response.

          I know now he is incapable of genuine love or affection. Although he can appear to be very affectionate with his hugs and kisses. But they aren’t from a place of reality. What is keeping me in stuck is anger at being abandoned/rejected etc. I still haven’t been able to go full no contact.

          I guess he must have holes that need to be filled as you say. And he does so with the thrill of the chase, and sex.

          I hope the hurt eases for you. How long has it been since you escaped?

  14. RJ says:

    I have seen them laugh at me, display that evil smirk, use the law to support them , cause fights and taunt. It takes time, choose to cut them and anyone associated with them out. Sure you’ll be called strange,conceited or anything but you have the right to be distant with their circle if the Narc is the influencing entity. Get stronger and do for you. Years will go by and you will see them destroy and leave a trail of disgust. Then relish in the glory that they can’t get to you anymore, but keep that guard up they will try. Be stronger than they could believe possible.

  15. Erin says:

    I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. The narc would probably love to get a letter like this, which probably makes it worse.
    It is, funnily enough, a good thing that you are not seeking love right now: you need to heal, first.
    You have something the narc doesn’t: your emotions, although dried up, are still there. They are hiding because now you are too weak and vulnerabile for them, you need to protect yourself from further hurt. In time your soul’s spring will return and you will flourish once more.
    It takes time, be gentle with yourself… You’re a survivor. It gets better.
    *hugs*

  16. ANK says:

    😢 mlo, your letter made me cry as it resonates with me.
    The sad thing is that the Narc reading this would not care how he has destroyed your outlook on love, that he has left you too tired and too wary to find love, that he has destroyed your faith and that you deserved to be cared for and loved in an honest way.
    The fact that you won’t responsd to offers of love makes me feel for you but I totally understand. I have decided the same. I can’t be hurt again, it will kill me.

  17. Dragonwisper says:

    You said that I am lower than a homeless person and in many ways you are  right. I have a lot in common with them because we both have nothing left to fight for anymore…..
    Yes! But he said I was a stupid lying C$$T and he F$%King hated me. He wised I’d just die.
    Little does he know
    every day , I die more and more inside ………..

  18. Noname says:

    “Apathy”.
    You’ve hit bottom, MLO.

    But, don’t hurry to “bury” yourself. Despite on very traumatic journey, I see that you’ve saved the most important thing – your identity.

    You are very vulnerable now, so stay at the “bottom” for a while. It sounds strange, but it is the safest place for you now. Sort all things out. Generate enough level of “energy” to start the healing process and then start it. You’ll win. Without any doubt. I see it.

    1. Cordelia says:

      This is the emotional equivalent of that moment before dawn when the night is at its darkest.

      It gets better. That’s all I can say.

      I think the only positive side to finding myself where MLo is was that I had become a blank slate. I could make myself into whatever I wanted to be. When they take away everything you know about yourself, relearning it, or creating yourself anew can be a peculiar gift.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Cordelia
        Very true. And that can be our first awakening of who we really are if we grew up with narcs that shaped our lives. Our first time to really be who we can be.

      2. Noname says:

        You are absolutely right, Cordelia. It is a deconstruction that gives a lot of possibilities after it.

    2. Maddox says:

      Yes. Although they don’t deserve any credit, they definitely serve as a catalyst for major transformations in regard to worldview. Beyond the trauma, there’s strength and insight. In spite of the devastation that comes from being involved with a disordered personality, it’s possible to be much wiser and more resilient as a result of the experience.

    3. M. says:

      Absolutely right,Noname. The bottom is the safest place, for a while. When she is ready, she will climp up again.Slowly. Baby steps. It is ok. We have all been there,MLO. I repeat, girl: baby steps. Do not look further, the future is just the next little step.

  19. Lori says:

    Please don’t dry up and ache in your bones, that’s what they want. There are others who aren’t leeches who won’t drain you. Don’t let him win. He isn’t worth it, deep down, you know it, HE knows it, break that chain. You aren’t from that clay. GET UP.

  20. Sillyolperson says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    MLO’s letter is spot on… I couldn’t put it better myself!
    All these letters are just brilliant! Thank you, you lovely individuals for writing them!
    Thank you Mr Tudor for publishing them!

    1. Sillyolperson says:

      Ps… Mr Tudor….your choice of photos reflecting the sensitivity of each letter, most heartening and exemplary!

    2. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  21. Windstorm2 says:

    I’ve been there. The completely empty apathy. The feeling that the woman I was had died – been destroyed. Nothing mattered anymore. Everything was just going through motions, meaningless. I had no hope and saw no future. My world was in shambles, little pieces that I had no interest in cleaning up or trying to reassemble.

    This letter brings back those feelings of hopeless apathy. That period of my life was a seemingly endless nightmare when I was trapped in it, but it did end. I walked away from it into a new life. Finally there was light and beauty again. That nightmare was behind me and only a memory.

    Life now is full of happiness and I have emerged from my ordeal a stronger, better woman. I hope with all my heart that you and all others currently trapped in that darkness come through it to find the peace and beauty on the other side as well. ❤️

    1. angela says:

      yes..i been there too..but step by step i am going out..i will be free ..more free and strong than before..
      Now i dont love him..i dont hate him..nothing at all.
      You are in the right way..dont worry..everything you are feeling now will go..take care

  22. Star says:

    MLO. Oh I love this letter and can relate so well. Thank u for sharing this. You so eloquently put into words what I felt but couldn’t say.

  23. foolme1time says:

    MLO, I know this is hard to believe, you will heal! You will be happy again! It will take awhile but it will happen! Be good to yourself, stay with the blog there are so many wonderful people on here that will help you! Read everything you can that HG writes and has written it will get you through this. Remember none of this was your fault! Build your self back up and don’t let him win! You are where I was two years ago and I felt the pain you are in from your letter, my heart goes out to you! 😔xx

  24. Alex says:

    Another devastatingly accurate letter. It feels like more than being hit by a MacTruck. Being hit by a Locomotive is more to the point. A MacTruck strikes but then it comes to a dragging halt in a few hundred feet or so. I mean, in essence, it’s rather over-n-done with quickly. But after contact with the Locomotive it takes miles and miles and miles to slowly come to a grinding (garbage disposal style) halt. The shredding and pulverizing is as if inside a food processor pulsing you to return to Stardust faster than you thought possible. Talk about heavy chest pressure for taking the next breath? This Letter is it!

  25. thepianist20 says:

    So sad 🙁

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