A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 15

A LETTER TOTHE NARCISSIST -NA'S LETTER.jpg

 

I was 5 years old when she brought you home. She was 9 years your junior with 2 small children, a low paying job, and no contact with family due to her having brought shame on them by having children out of wedlock. I imagine you couldnt contain your glee but then you didnt have to because it was all the more effective to appear smiling at me and inviting me to a game of hide and seek. You remember dont you? I hid, and while you found me, you looked at me crouched there and into my eyes to announce “not here!” So you could leave me there and return to your seduction of her while she prepared lunch. Of course, I didn’t know all of this then-just that I was confused, that you lied, and that I didn’t like you. I also know that you never smile at me again unless she is in the room. I emerge from my hiding spot to announce: “you found me”. You reply that you did not see me. I say “you’re lying”. My mother is horrified and you are not smiling. She orders me to apologise. I do not and reply that lying is wrong.

You continue to visit. She seems happy and tells me to be a good girl so I try to like you. You largely ignore me except to tell me that I must be smart because I ask a lot of questions and tell me that children should not question adults. My mother adopts the approach that children should be seen but not heard. You turn your attention to my baby brother and I tell you not to touch him. I am sent to my room. This is where I will be sent on your subsequent visits. Seduction of her is complete.

Soon after we move in with you and she must give up her job for a time. We are now completely dependant on you. Bravo. There is a violent incident but it does not involve us and is offered as evidence that you love and will protect us but it was not now was it?

Soon there is arguing and crying that in time becomes violence. I am threatened to stay in my room door closed with my brother but I hear everything. I hear that my mother is a whore. Strange isn’t it? We all know that it was your mother that left you and all your siblings to run far away with another man and cease contact with you all. You could never face her as the true whore when you grew up and interacted with her, so you spent a lifetime substituting and punishing others for her. That is not the action of an omnipotent God but rather a shameful coward. You can protest all you want but that clawing, empty, cavernous feeling deep deep down tells you what we both know. Not very bright for a god. More accurately cowardly projection.

I tell my mother we should go back to live at our apartment. She says things will be better now and I will have a new brother or sister and isn’t that exciting? I feel only fear. She is not happy anymore and sleeps a lot. She never plays with me and we never see the friends who visited us at our apartment. Bonded to you with child and isolated. All going according to the manual thus far.

As I grow older and take on a mother role to the others as she is either working, sleeping, or suffering your abuse. You will repeatedly criticise me but tell her that I am a better housekeeper and mother than she could ever be. Of course you are really talking to your own mother but you lack the intelligence to identify that. Not very bright for a God. Triangulation.

She is like the walking dead and I wonder with disgust if you view me as her replacement as you make comments about me developing into a woman. You tell me that I better pray nothing happens to my mother and that if I dont keep my mouth shut it might. That I won’t see my siblings again because “two of them” are yours.

She keeps me up at night with her when you are out hoping it will dissuade you from violence when you return.  I am scolded when I fall asleep. You do everything you can to make me cry but I just stare and answer when required until you fall asleep. My school suffers from lack of sleep and time spent wishing you to be wheelchair bound or get cancer.

I meet someone equal to you physically and agree to marry him if he will accept my mother and siblings also. She says she will leave now that she will have a place to go. We marry and she reneges because of course-she has been subsumed by you.

I am separated from them physically but never let go and constantly monitor until they can leave themselves. You and she can have each other in sickness. After all, it was her right to do things her way,  or at least that’s what people tell me now.

And well, you know the rest…on and on checking the boxes to your illness. Yes, that’s what it is–mental illness. Not greatness, not power, but an illness so debilitating in showing you your weaknesses that you take pieces of others to attempt to become whole.

But you did not become whole. You became a shadow of yourself. Lonely and unable to keep up the facade as more people witnessed the mask slips and distanced themselves.  So much so that at your funeral when people offered something kind about you I smiled and said: but then you can be forgiven for not having really known him. It caused confusion for some but there were plenty who gave a knowing look and a quiet nod of acknowledgment. What they suspected to be true.

It was the cancer I had always hoped for you that  finally arrived. You told me and I pledged to keep contact. You were delighted thinking I would be helpful as is my nature to others. Oh, and I suppose some control over me. But it was really only so that I could watch you die and I hoped it would be painful. Funny that it was me you had the nurse assist you with calling to tell me that you were “not good” at the end as I am not “one of yours”.

Oh I came. We had some time together separate from the others. You could hear and understand but not communicate so well. I had no such difficulty. I explained quietly that you had no control over this, just as you had not really had any control over anything. She was sick also and gave you what you needed believing you could save her, but you were not that man. You were small and cowardly and never achieved anything of any value to anyone. You were not a master of illusion but only of your own delusion. You never could break me. You got her but she was broken to begin with so where’s the power in that?

Your mother was a whore.
You were never loved .
You are a coward that no one will remember.
Those you deemed weak are all still hear.
You couldnt even fool a 5 yr old.

Enjoy the blackness that is coming up from your insides to consume you.

NA

48 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 15

  1. Love says:

    Hi Narc Angel. I’ve missed you. I read this last night. I walked alongside this beautiful little girl as she shared her story. ❤

  2. Petals says:

    Interesting read, NarcAngel. Most of these letters have been from the ensnared (ex) partner’s perspective; it was interesting to read something that at least somewhat relates to my own experience.

    I hope you comment on my letter to my father when it’s eventually posted. I’m wondering what your reaction will be.

  3. Petals says:

    Are you still accepting submissions HG? And where do we submit these?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am. Send them to narcissist1909@gmail.com

      1. Lisa says:

        Have you received thousands of submissions HG? How many are you going to post? Theyre fascinating… Thanks. Lisa

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I have received a considerable number. I will post the ones which merit publication Lisa.

          1. Lisa says:

            Thank you HG. Looking forward to your input of them.

  4. analise13 says:

    Quite the emotional letter NA. From the child’s perspective.
    It will assist many in understanding, accepting and healing childhood wounds.

    Have you forgiven your mother as well?
    Now that you understand through HG’s work, how she was deceived, conned and manipulated in that relationship.

    How do you think growing up with that influence effected you, regarding your own empathy versus narcissism?

    Your letter makes me think of my cousin, who had a narcissist in her life as a child and how she was ensnared by them as an adult.
    Just like her mother.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Hi Analise13

      Interesting. Do you mean that you think it will help others in understanding and healing their own childhood wounds or that of their children? How so?

      That did not occur to me. I had thought it might give pause and/or serve as a cautionary tale to those with children who have not yet made the decision to escape, and some of the effects of that choice.

      No, I have not forgiven her. This will not be popular but it is the truth: I hold her more accountable, and am not alone in that. She is now paying the price in her lack of relationship with all of her children.

      I would say it has caused me to develop more the highly narcissistic traits but not turn the corner to full NPD. I am far more logical and analytical than emotional and you can see that I had some of that at a young age in my observations and assessments, but I feel I had to become somewhat like him to counter a lot of his tactics, and so a lot of that remains because (again not popular) in short-it was effective. That is why I would be very interested to read the thoughts of others in any future discussion of the nature vs nurture aspect of these relationships.

      I have had many relationships with narcs as an adult but I have never been ensnared.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        NarcAngel
        I love your last sentence! I don’t believe I have been “ensnared” either.

        I think hearing about others problems with their narcs often jogs hidden memories in us that we can then think thru and help us heal. This often happens with me.

      2. analise13 says:

        Both actually. Your letter details what a child of a narcissistic partnership, biological or otherwise suffers.

        There are many children of narcissistic parents on this blog and partners of narcissists, past or present with children.
        It does serve as a cautionary tale to those mothers with children who are on the precipice of removing themselves.
        To hasten that decision.

        So many children have suffered and their children in turn suffer from the same abuse through varying perspectives.
        I have witnessesed it. Through others. The cycle needs to be redirected and stopped.

        I understand why you cannot forgive her.
        You lived that experience and still do in your memories.

        I grew up with two loving parents, I never saw the side of my grandmother my mother or aunt did.
        So until I was ensnared I was untouched by such abuse.

        It is very open and honest of you to discuss the tendency to narcisstic traits in yourself and why.
        I have seen your posts on this blog and I observe you offering a rationale approach to advice.
        No nonsense, but still with humor and compassion.
        You have a protective nature, towards others and yourself.
        You exhibit a lot of strength and tolerance.

        Why I believe your letter can help others heal in various capacities.
        I am sorry you had to live that childhood.
        Thank you for writing and submitting your letter.

      3. analise13 says:

        NA
        I am of both minds of the nature versus nurture debate.
        On the fence and perhaps a more simplistic approach to the debate,

        I cannot wholly choose one side as for me they are inter connected.

        Based on my own familial experience.
        I place higher emphasis on nurture, or the lack thereofin creating childhood narcissism.

        I also believe people are genetically predisposed to such disorders.
        That is where nurture can turn the tide.
        From the creation of a narcissist to that of an empath.

        I believe showing love to a child, fostering trust, listening, attending to needs, giving appropriate praise, setting boundaries, having reasonable expectations, allowing a child to be a child helps create a healthy child.

        I am not a parent. But I was a child who was nurtured.

      4. Lisa says:

        I hope you don’t mind me asking NarcAngel, but could you explain why you have had boyfriends/partners that are Narcs if you recognise it ? And why would you be attracted to them if they do not have the power over you to ensnare you ? Do you enjoy dating them ?

        1. NarcAngel says:

          Hi Lisa

          I was not attracted to them, but them to me. Early on I identified only those like StepN so I assumed there was only one type. I didnt like that they thought themselves so superior and that everyone was so easily fooled and intimidated. I wanted them to know that I saw through them, so I started playing along to see how far they would go before punishing them and telling them that I saw them for what they were. It is my nature to be expressionless and quiet when I am delivering a slight so I was effective despite not knowing until coming here that that is considered wounding. It felt really good to bring them down and addictive in a way. I had no shame because I considered them to be pieces of shit proxy for StepN and felt they deserved it. It was later that I started to identify those who could pull off a good face publicly but operate much differently privately. I was fascinated by this split, and more so because I knew that I could do this also but I did not consider myself to be one of them. Because I did not care about the sex or fear becoming bonded to them I didnt even mind giving them positive fuel hoping that they could be happy with that and not become abusive but they always failled and I will not accept their attempts to extract the negative (although I would bring blood and thunder on occasion to see how they would react, and sure enough-they wanted more). Then I would revert back offering the good stuff, back and forth until no longer interested. When I came here I thought that I had become one but through the articles and consultation with HG (that was so relevatory and that I cannot recommend enough) I now know that despite my high narcissist traits I still have empathy and am not. The picture he chose for the article suits me.

          The short answer to your question would be: To exercise my own power (although I do not recommend this route to others-it is a dangerous game).

          Hope that helped.

          1. Lisa says:

            Hi Narc Angel, oh I see , thank you for taking the time to explain that. Yes I’ve recently had a consultation with HG they are very helpful .

      5. Lou says:

        NA, I am with you regarding your mother. As I read your letter, somehow I was more disgusted by her than by her narc.

      6. Windstorm2 says:

        NarcAngel
        As regards nature vs nurture, I’m certain they both play a role. Anyone who’s been around and interacted with babies knows that they are not little blank slates. They are all born with their own personality and predispositions. Narcissism is just one of these. As I’ve raised and trained children, it has been obvious that some have a much harder time learning to be kind and show empathy to others, while other children instinctively reach out to comfort anyone they feel is upset, even as early as one year old.

        But still nature can be altered somewhat by training. I have personally taught and witnessed others teaching little toddler narcs to have cognitive empathy and the importance of being kind and respectful of others. They learn the importance of family and of surrounding themselves with people who both love them and will always be there to support them. But just as importantly they learn how to behave to keep from hurting and driving off the people who would love them.
        They will still always be narcs, but they grow up not nearly as malignant and abusive and with a desire to be part of a cohesive family and a willingness to make the compromises in their behavior to keep that family in their lives and homes.

        You mentioned how you learned narc behaviors as a defensive measure to help you survive. I had to do that also. I can automatically shift into those behaviors when needed to back off my narcs and put them in their place. I don’t even really have to think about it. Maybe that is what allows me to stay in so many relationships with narcs without getting too hurt. I believe that internal defense is what also protects me from the ensnarement, addiction, emotional entrapment-whatever you call it – that HG talks about and so many others have had to deal with. But knowing how to do this and having to do it for our own survival, certainly didn’t turn me into a narc just like it didn’t make you one either.

        I guess I personally would have to come down more on the nature side of the debate. Little narcs and little empaths are born, but how they are raised definitely has a big impact on how they end up as adults and how they will treat others. But no amount of love or abuse can erase away their core traits.

  5. Diva says:

    Hi Narc Angel…….reading your story told several tales for me, not just the obvious one, but it also explained your post to me after I wrote that I thought my own kids could suss out a narc…..one of whom was a little younger than you when I first interpreted the strange interactions myself. Your letter also explains some of your other interactions with other readers, that I admittedly, found difficult to fathom at the time……but I no longer do so.

    It is difficult for 2 young kids to grow up without a father and just rely on a single mother……..I know this because I am in that position myself. I often wonder if I did the right thing……escaping when they were both under 5, however, I knew at the time that it was a case of now or never. I could see the effects that a certain individual was having on the older child…..he had started stammering…..he could hardly get a word out……he grew out of it but he still remembers and continues to be anxious and protective towards me. He never talks about the narc and has never asked me about him, yet he shields his younger sister from the memories that he obviously still holds. If there are any awkward questions he just says to her…..”it’s best you don’t remember.” Although to be fair, the narc didn’t get much opportunity, under my relentless watch, to do anything to them……the older child (although still very young) just knew he was no good and I think he knew how unhappy and sad he made me. Even though I tried to put a brave face on it…….I realised that I wasn’t even fooling the kids and the narc certainly wasn’t either.

    So thank you Narc Angel……if I ever had any doubts as to whether I did the right thing……after reading your letter, I will not doubt it ever again.

    Finally, it pains me to think of what you and your siblings, as children, had to endure at the hands of this man, due to circumstances and choices that were completely out of your control. Everyone has a story on here, but all of them are now adults, they have a choice…….but children more often than not are solely reliant on another to do the right thing…….and if that person fails them, the results can be catastrophic..….Diva

  6. K says:

    NarcAngel
    Finally after two weeks of phone tag and ignored e-mails, I was able to ascertain that NPD has been incorporated into the Unhealthy Relationships portion of the Sex Ed./health curriculum in my local high school. And, I e-mailed the school nurse with a head count of the students who have been abused by narcissists and she is considering additional action outside of the Sex Ed. curriculum.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      K

      Good job on getting it at least introduced in the curriculum. All thats needed is a seed to be planted and this is a great start. Sex Ed/Health was a useless course in school as I recall. I gave out better information at recess or in the cloakroom. Yes, Im so old was called a cloakroom and no I never saw anyone wearing one. That made me laugh just now.

      1. K says:

        Thanks NA. Ditto on the sex ed. It caused more harm than good IMO.

  7. Scout says:

    Superb NA, well-written and brave to share the pain and confusion of growing up in the presence of a Narc, an experience I can readily identify with.

  8. K says:

    NA
    Your letter weighs heavily on my heart. Your childhood was so adversely affected by choices and decisions that were completely out of your control. Through your words, I was allowed to witness your innocence being swindled by fraud, lies and violence, and I am a helpless bystander to your written sorrow and hardship. A lost childhood is a crime for which there is no atonement or recovery. You and your siblings deserved better and I am sorry that your childhood was stolen from you by the people who were supposed to protect you. Your story was heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing it with us.

  9. Just Me says:

    “Be kinder to yourself in knowing you were a good example in walking away over carrying guilt which serves no one.”

    Narc angel,

    What a healing message to all of us mothers who carry the guilt. Thank you for sharing your letter through the eyes of a child.

  10. NarcAngel says:

    Tracey

    I cant say what your daughter remembers or how she feels about that time, but I can hazard a guess that the thing that will stay with her is that you removed her from it. Be kinder to yourself in knowing you were a good example in walking away over carrying guilt which serves no one.

  11. Tracey says:

    This letter hurts the most. Deeply and painfully so. I harbour the guilt that my then 9 year old daughter endured the same pain for the two years I was ensnared by the narc. I got out but I fear she will be emotionally scarred for life. I will carry this guilt to the grave. Thank you so much for sharing. Sending love and light xx

  12. DebbieWolf says:

    NarcAngel

    A powerful and engaging letter.
    Heartwrenching.
    But a ‘walking tall’ emotion exudes and lingers long after the reading of it.
    Thank you for sharing.
    Peace to your heart and mind.
    💝

  13. Lisa says:

    Well done NA, horrible for a child , although the circumstances are different you are also that child HG in some ways ? And yet you also are the narcissist, do you never see the irony of it and never think that the last thing you would want is to be like her ? Surely not being like her would be winning . I don’t get it …….
    Don’t answer you are a better or greater version , that misses the point of the question . When you read this , are you the child or the narcissist ?

  14. narc affair says:

    This is so heartbreaking NA. I can relate a lot to your letter growing up. You had the weight of the world on your shoulders picking up the pieces and holding it together when the adults should have been. Worrying about your siblings when you shouldve been able to be a child yourself. Thats a lot to take on at a young age. Not having that safety net most children have to rely and fall back on. It mustve been a scary unsure world for you back then. I wish i could hold that child back then and make you feel safe the way your mother shouldve. So many of us wanted and needed things from our parents but never got them forced to grow up too soon. Its not fair but sadly its a reality. You are a strong person to have come out aware of what was wrong in your family dynamic and why. Heres to a life without a narcissist 💓

  15. Charlotte says:

    Every survivor is cheering while you quietly told him that he is a weak, forgotten coward. We are sharing in your moment of vengeance! Thank you! THIS is the best article on surviving narcissist abuse that I have read yet.

  16. Cathrine says:

    That’s so utterly painful! Thanks for sharing your story.

  17. Kim michaud says:

    Omg

  18. E. B. says:

    “We all know that it was your mother that left you and all your siblings to run far away with another man and cease contact with you all. You could never face her as the true whore when you grew up and interacted with her,** so you spent a lifetime substituting and punishing others for her.**”

    So true! They would rather punish innocent people than their own *holy* matrinarcs.

  19. Peaceful says:

    Na, this is so beautifully written. What a story and what horror you endured as a child. Your strength even as a small 5 year old is applauded. I know that feeling of when you were hiding and he finds you and says to your face “not here”. I have suffered the feeling of invisibility all my life…Thank you so much for sharing your story.

  20. Deborah says:

    Bravo!!! 👏🏼🎉👍🏼

  21. Noname says:

    Sad story and absolutely predictable end of the Narc’s life.

    The belief in a “good end” is a delusional trick that Narcs’ mind plays with them. They sure, they believe, that the “bad end” is not going to happen with them, but… alas. The abuse and “bad end” always live together.

    I know the only one man who had a good end – my Grandpatrinarc. He did everything to deserve it and he got it. He won.

  22. abrokenwing says:

    Heartbreaking….💔

  23. Windstorm2 says:

    Very powerful and well-written. No he never broke you. Your inner strength always supported you and continues to support you today. That strength and your inner goodness have always maintained you and is obvious to all who know you and those of us that you have reached out to help over time. No need to tell you to stay strong or stay vigilant against narcissists and injustice – you will always be both.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Thank you. I wanted to show the effects of narcissism from a perspective (albeit a highly sterilized one) that is often overlooked. I hear a lot about choice and peoples right to handle things in their own way, but there are some who are at the mercy of those choices. Children see, hear, feel, and they do not forget. I was always puzzled by the why, and ironically it was a narcissist who gave me the gift of answers and clarity that haunted me all of those years. Life is funny that way.

      Thank you HG. For everything.
      (Especially the elongated neck)

      NA

      1. M. says:

        Our mothers,NA. I still think they could have protected us.But could they?

  24. A383 says:

    Brilliant. This is the end that awaits my father… That awaits them all. X

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Not all.

      1. A383 says:

        I don’t wish it for you HG. You have done so much good. But don’t you ever tire of the pursuit of fuel? I mean, you already know how it’s going to end give or take a few weeks. This is what I don’t understand about you. Completely self aware and unique in your ability to bring this disorder to the world and yet on and on and on you go. Seducing, disengaging, hoovering…. Will it ever end for you – other than six feet under. I hope so. I hope you can find some peace. Really. My father is 86 and he’s still at it. Sad! Xx

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you A383. I do not tire of doing it no. It has to be done.

  25. Pinkfire says:

    Absolutely masterful. *chills* Thank you.

  26. Lisa says:

    WOW! Ouch! Loved it NA. Nice work!

  27. Diana says:

    Wow what a haunting letter. Well done!

  28. Tappan Zee says:

    I applaud your emotional logic applied. Thank you for this.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

The Narcissistic Truths – No. 162

Next article

Outnumbered But Not Outgunned