The Narcissist and Marriage


Marriage. Widely-regarded as one of the central events in a person’s life. Whether it is a traditional church affair with white wedding dress, a civil ceremony inside a football stadium, something unusual such as at the bottom of a swimming pool, a same sex union, a week long Indian wedding or getting spliced in front of Elvis in Las Vegas, marriage remain a celebration.

It is the idea that two people want to spend the rest of their days together. The concept that this other person is so important to you that you wish to pledge your fidelity, allegiance and your entire self to your significant other before whichever personal god you worship. Notwithstanding the differing ways weddings occur, it remains a joyous occasion and one which many people aspire to, with differing ideas of how the day will look and feel. People seek a happy, long and fulfilling marriage. Sometimes that does not work out, sometimes it does. Our kind are no strangers to marriage, indeed, of those people who marry more than once, our kind are probably well-represented. One might be forgiven for thinking that our kind are particular devotees of the concept of marriage and in some respects, that is correct, but not for reasons people would expect. How do we regard marriage?

  1. It is a brilliant device for future faking. Those who are love devotees, which includes empathic people, want to marry. They consider the act of union with the person that they love to be hugely significant and a true marker of intent and desire. Our kind utilise the significance that is attributed to marriage as the means by which we can continue to draw people to us and also keep them bound to us, even if we have not married them. The promise of marriage at some future point is a definite ace to play to prevent an appliance from drifting away. Whether this is an IPPS who we live with or a Candidate IPSS we have high hopes for or even a Shelf IPSS who has not (unsurprisingly) worked out what they are, the potential to become married is tempting indeed. The promise of marriage becomes a large comfort crumb to feed to the appliance and involves sentences such as:

“I think we should get married at some point.”

“When I get the next promotion, I think we should consider getting married.”

“We ought to get married next year.”

“When someone is as happy as you and I, we really ought to  be married.”

“I often think about what it would be like to be married.” (Not necessarily to you though)

“Can you imagine how great it would be if we got married?”

There is no proposal of marriage, no definite confirmation that this should take place but rather a vague and amorphous intention which can easily be put back when we choose so we can keep using this as a tempting morsel to keep you interested. It does not just have to be about stating an intention to get married but will include:-

a. Looking at engagement rings but never buying one;

b. Considering suitable wedding venues but never booking anything;

c. Discussing honeymoons but not booking anything;

d. Mentioning it to family and friends;

e. Drawing up potential guests lists but never doing anything with them;

f. Considering where to have the wedding list;

g. Considering what items to have on the wedding list;

h. Discussing colours for outfits, flowers, a theme and so forth but making no concrete decisions.

Such is the allure of the idea of getting married that it is probably the largest comfort crumb that can be fed to an appliance and the largest piece of future faking.

2. Marriage is extremely effective at binding an IPPS to us. We want to ensure that person is ours, owned by us and therefore by becoming engaged and getting married within a short time of meeting the IPPS we secure this individual and bind them to us through the institution of marriage. The appliance is made to feel ultra-special by us proposing to them and then marrying them.

3. It reinforces the concept of love which appeals to the empathic love devotee. As the song goes, ‘love and marriage, go together like a horse and carriage’. Love and all of its binding abilities, supportive elements and fuelling connotations goes hand in hand with marriage and therefore getting married is seen as a supreme act of love. Accordingly, marriage is always going to prove an excellent move with regards to ensnaring a choice empathic victim.

4. The façade. Being married tells the world that we can attract somebody, that somebody loves us, that we are desirable. It suggests stability and reliability and as such is a useful device for bolstering the façade so we are regarded as respectable and honourable. As Alec Baldwin stated in the film, The Departed

“Marriage is an important part of getting ahead. It lets people know you’re not a homo. A married guy seems more stable. People see the ring, they think “at least somebody can stand the son of a bitch.” Ladies see the ring, they know immediately that you must have some cash, and your cock must work.”

Several elements there which would support the façade and also appeal to our notion of getting ahead, and being seen as desirable.

5. Stability. This is a two pronged matter. The outside world, as mentioned above in the quote, regards a married person as more stable which helps with the façade. It also however helps our kind maintain stability with regards to the provision of fuel. This is especially important for the Lesser and Mid-Range Narcissists who may not have the sophisticated fuel matrices of the Greater. By securing the IPPS in this manner through marriage, the narcissist is gaining the advantage of knowing that there is going to be a reliable source of fuel for some time (both positive and then negative).

6. Religion. Whilst not as important as it once was (witness the rise of civil ceremonies) religion still plays an important part for many people with regard to the concept of marriage and where religion is a fundamental part of the life of the targeted victim, then this is something that we will exploit. Adhering to the religious significance of marriage enables us to use to not only draw a victim to us but also to bind them to us too.

7. The Preparation. Most weddings require considerable preparation. The wedding venue, a reception venue, what food will be served, whether there is a theme, stag and hen parties, guest lists, what will be worn, where people will sit, the wedding list, the wedding vehicles, the entertainment and so on and so forth. This provides us with numerous opportunities for the provision of fuel by repeatedly talking about our forthcoming nuptials, being able to show off in terms of extravagance, settling old scores and creating new ones through those who are invited and those who are not. There are a myriad of possibilities to use this occasion to our advantage when engaging in the preparation. Indeed, the different opportunities for gaining fuel merit an article in itself with regard to the run-up to and the preparation for a wedding.

8. The wedding day. This is one huge fuel fest. So many adoring appliances, jealous appliances, love-lorn and emotional. Everywhere we go, all eyes are on us. Scores of fuel lines running from us to all of these appliances, from the staff waiting on us, the vicar, the bridesmaids, the bride/groom, the guests. The power surge from all of the positive fuel (and there will be some negative fuel in there too – always pays to invite an ex appliance along just to keep things spiced up. My ex-wife repeatedly reminded me how she was surprised to find one of my exes at our wedding. I wasn’t surprised by how much fuel it kept providing me with thereafter). The day is one of fuel form start to finish and whilst everyone else is enjoying themselves through seeing love requited, the flowing alcohol and interesting dancing, we are gorging on the fuel that is flowing.

It is also worth making mention of The Pinnacle Effect. This is one of the interesting consequences of a wedding. Once the marriage has been secured there are those of our kind who find the explosion of fuel to be the best it can be in terms of positive fuel. This is also allied with the fact that the marriage also means that our kind see that the IPPS is totally embedded and ensnared. This results in the Pinnacle Effect. It is not evident with every wedding that occurs between narcissist and victim, indeed it less likely than more likely, but it is still worth mentioning. Once the ceremony has been completed, the reception attended and either the happy couple head off on their honeymoon or retire to their suite that night, The Pinnacle Effect occurs. The positive fuel is as good as it gets, the IPPS is ensnared and thus the devaluation begins. I have heard of numerous occasions where the blushing bride has become the bludgeoned bride or the amorous groom finds himself the alienated groom instead. The devaluation commences through being frozen out, verbally attacked or even physically assaulted.

9. Marriage applies to you and not to us. You have said the vows and we expect and demand you to comply with them. You will be faithful to us, you will look after us in sickness and in health, you will remain with us for better or for worse, for richer or poorer and so forth. You belong to us. That is the central tenet of the Narcissistic Relationship and the sealed nuptials confirms this to be the case. You will abide by these vows and be a reliable, faithful and compliant spouse. Of course with our sense of entitlement, lack of boundary recognition and failure to account, those vows do not apply to us. We will say them but we will not abide by them.

10. Marriage is a useful device. If you transgress in some way, we will hurl your vows at you (regardless of what we have done to offend them) and we will tell all and sundry that you have sullied the sacred name of marriage. We will wail about ‘wanting to make the marriage work’ when we perceive that you may be trying to escape us. We use the concept of marriage as a manipulative device to further our aims. You must be tied to us, you must save the marriage and not walk away from it, it is a yoke about your neck and a means to an end for us.

11. Stickability. The fact that you are married to us and you believe in the concept of marriage means that you are less likely to give up on it. You do not like to fail and you do not want to walk away without having tried to make it work. Binding you to us in this fashion means that we force you to keep trying and to cling on to us, with all the attendant benefits which subscribe to the Prime Aims also.

12. Divorce. If we marry you and we decide or you have the audacity to try to escape then it follows that divorce must take place. It is not a straight forward case of packing a bag and walking away. The fact that marriage requires a divorce if you seek to escape it provides us with further opportunities to draw fuel, bolster the façade and either hoover you back in or make your life a misery by pillorying you through the divorce proceedings.

It is rare to find a narcissist who has not been married and with some of our kind the marriages will number two or more. And why not? The institution of marriage is ripe for exploitation to further our narcissistic agenda.

Little wonder we are so ready to say ‘I do’.

If only you knew this beforehand so you could have said, ‘I do not’.


76 thoughts on “The Narcissist and Marriage

  1. Helen says:

    Under what circumstances could a narcissist be married and faithful for 12 years? My ex-narc proposed marriage to his late wife very quickly, as he did with me. However their marriage lasted for 12 years, with 4 children, and he says he was faithful until she died. He only managed to stay engaged to me for 9 months before discarding me. Does it mean the wife also had a personality disorder? Or is it something to do with his age at the time of each proposal?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He “says he was” – most likely a lie.

  2. Kenneth says:

    HG – my ex had a fiance and another guy she was talking to. Is her fiance or the other guy the primary source?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Probably the finance but I would need to know much more about the dynamic to provide a definitive view.

  3. Tiny Dancer says:

    I’m married to an N. I’m positive her brother is an N they have the exact same personality. Anyway, her brother married his high school gf, they have kids, perfect family and he cheats on her constantly to the point where he had a two year relationship with her “best friend” before they were found out. Long story short she took him back. Ns are amazing at getting what they want. It’s just really never a good thing to be what they want.

    1. Sniglet says:

      I never understood how people could take cheaters back. It is a concept with which I struggle to connect.

      A friend of mine found out that her husband was cheating on her. One day she found his email account logged in, and noticed romantic emails between him and a teacher with whom he was having the affair. My friend emailed the teacher using her husband’s email account pretending it was him and set a date on his behalf with her. She met her and busted their affair; but still took him back and tried to make the marriage work for 2 years. During the time of reconciliation all she could think about was her husband and that other woman sleeping together. She told no one – not a friend, not a family member about her situation. After the 2 year mark she left him. She suffered greatly because of her ex-husband’s philandering. No children for her out of that marriage.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        I don’t understand it either. How could you ever trust them again?

      2. Diva says:

        “I never understood how people could take cheaters back. It is a concept with which I struggle to connect.”

        Hi Sniglet…….I can agree with your statement… I have lived that nightmare. However, if everyone (men and women) threw out their significant other for cheating in the past, present or future…….I would guess that the vast majority of us would be living single lives……..Diva

      3. Sniglet says:

        Windstorm2 – I don’t think I could trust a cheater. I believe that sleeping around/cheating should be done before marriage. Once married, they belong to each other. That union shall stay impenetrable, sacred and both people should strive consciously for its wholesomeness on a daily basis not only to protect their commitment, love, trust, dignity etc.. but also their children and assets until death do them part.

        Diva – some may not like living single and some may find it quite enjoyable.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          I really don’t think mine cheated on me sexually (I’m talking physical sex with another woman). Sex was never important to him and he sucked at it (not literally, unfortunately). He flirted a lot, but then so did I. I considered that meaningless. I would be shocked if he’d had a sexual relationship in the ten years we’ve been divorced. Since I only consider actual physical sex as cheating, I imagine he’s been as faithful to me as I’ve been to him. If he’d been in physical relationships with other women, I wouldn’t think of him the same as I do.

      4. Sniglet says:

        What type of narcissist was your ex? Was he a victim?

    2. Paula Sarno says:

      I learned that in the worst possible wayI was twice what a N wanted in his life , when I was a teenager and 3 years ago …
      Both times I was devastated

  4. Jenna says:

    My ex mid-ranger’s family is pressing him to settle down n get married. I’m scared when he eventually does, i may get a week long panic attack, unless she’s unattractive or overweight lol – then i won’t care for some reason. Bottom line: she must not be nicer, prettier, or more fuelsome than me. If these 3 conditions r met, then i won’t get a panic attack. My borderline mind is just as messed up as a narc’s mind!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The mind of a borderline is far more messed up.

      1. Jenna says:

        Ur so mean! 😩😩😩

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Just stating a fact Jenna.

          1. Jenna says:


        2. Indy says:

          I dispute your comment, “just stating a fact”. It depends on several factors, including severity and functionality.

          1. Jenna says:

            Also indy, i remember ur lovely pic was up for abt a day or two then u deleted it. I am waiting for the person who requested it of me to see me. Then i will probably take it down. I am so nervous abt my ex niss’s friend (common) recognizing me. In fact, i had to take an anxiety pill after uploading it.

          2. Indy says:

            Hi Jenna,
            Aww thanks for your compliments. So nice to see your pretty face! You are beautiful inside and out! Remember this!!! yeah I sometimes have a potty mouth lol. Especially when in a firey place….you know, like when I walk near volcanoes or
            jerks. Hehe


          3. Jenna says:

            Indy, yw. And ty for the compliment.
            Lol regarding the ‘potty mouth’ and ‘jerks’!😄

            Hugs back! 💗💗💗

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Jenna love your picture!

        Pretty lady!


        1. Jenna says:

          Thank u doc. 💗

      3. Paula Sarno says:

        I agree with you HG ! The mind of a narciccist is not a mess , they are pragmatic , cold people , they usually get what they want . It is a different kind of logic . We are a mess after them ( and often in the relationship ) beetween the golden period , devaluation , discard etc etc

        1. Indy says:

          Hi Paula,

          I understand your points you make with logic.However, there is lots of variability in both groups. IMO, based on my training in BPD and working with many professionally, as well a personal experiences with each type of narcicist in my life, except greater, it really depends on severity of symptoms and level of cognitive function and impulse control in the person with NPD and BPD. Some with NPD are quite deluded and at times can even be psychotic without adequate fuel, violent and some have murdered. Many comorbid diagnoses exist in both such as substance abuse and other addictions. And they often overlap each other symptomatically. Some, of course, are extremely successful in life and work with lots of power. Classic narcs with higher functioning typically. Greaters definitely.

          Let’s not forget, Some With BPD become successful as well, like Dr Linehan, PHD, self disclosed BPD and created of DBT. She’s saved many lives from suicide. Others with BPD engage in self harm, have eating issues and even are hospitalized for suicide attempts. This disorder has a high stigma, inside and outside the mental health field. It’s unfortunate.

          Both are in the cluster B, both have a broad spectrum. Yes, those with NPD can be cold and have their logic while those with BPD are more emotionally driven. Typically. However, narcs have Fury and frenzies. Not pretty either. has to consider how logical is the logic when the high levels of delilusion and grandiosity set in. then there is the CPTSD symptoms from past trauma in both.

          I think in my opinion neither is more or less “messed up”. We do, I agree with you fully, get the brunt of the abuse with engaged with a narc. that is definitely true.

  5. Paula Sarno says:

    Hello , I have a question for you . There is any possibility for a marriage beetween two narcs ? Thank you , I will look forward for your answer

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Paula. Yes, two narcissists can and do get married. As to its outcome, well, see When Narcissists Collide Parts One and Two specifically the element appertaining to the romantic entanglement.

      1. Paula Sarno says:

        Thank you very much . I lived all my life ( starting with my mother ) with people like you , I must confess that reading the blog shocked me ( I have all the caracteristics that made me an excellent supplement ) But , at the same time , ( I am a very curious open mind person ) I am fascinated and a little bit scared and eager to know your ” modus operandi ” , your mind . I think we would be useful for each other , coming from such a different worlds , the narcistic and the empatic .
        Thank you again

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Read on Paula.

          1. Paula Sarno says:

            I sure will ! It dosen ‘ t seem to me that my last and most abusive narcissist will ever come back ( I expose him with his ex wife , mother of his son ) and I know , for you people , image is everythinng to keep inmaculate . But you say this kind of relantionship is till one of us die.
            I would like to know your vision of this matter , thank you very much

  6. Diva says:

    Marriage is like a game of cards……to begin, you require 2 hearts and a diamond…….by the end, you wish you had a club and a spade… (who ever wrote that was married to a narc for sure)………Diva

    1. Indy says:

      Hahaha….yes, that spade came in handy😂

      1. Diva says:

        I just read that HG has an ex wife…….I bet she wrote this one!!!!!! Diva

    2. Windstorm2 says:

      That’s funny, Diva!

  7. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    My ex was married before. She was some woman from Brazil he said he first told me he wanted to be able to go back to Brazil when he felt like it and then years later the story changed to we were using each other… never a clear story…

    All I know is that they were married for a few months and it was so short the whole thing was annulled. She was labeled as bipolar and unstable.

    He said something about her being bipolar, very jealous and crazy and said something about how she was the one to leave and he showed up at her job…

    He said that she said he was abusive in court.

    I have no idea what really happened I have fragments of things that don’t add up.

    She then never showed up in court regarding the abuse charges and it was dropped… or something.

    When I read emails of his (he left his email open one day) I looked back at the ones between them and it was the same shit he did to me… word for word. She would complain about the same sht and he would respond the same. I know she came back at one point a few years ago and he told her to go away.

    Not that it matters but I would be interested to know what really happened….

    If they were using eachother if she was just disturbed or whatever….

    I know that in America if u say you overstayed ur visa because you were abused then you can stay or something like that….

    Again not that it matters but if anyone can make sense of anything I said please chime in lol.

    He told me she threw stuff at him and she was unstable and how she never let him sleep. He said the same thing about me that he thought his dad saw a lot of that woman in me….

    What a strange thing to say….

    But he really ended up hating that ex….

    I heard she was depressed … but she could have been from the way she was treated … I was….

  8. MyTrueSelf says:

    Thank you for the explanation HG. I have looked for a post on ‘compartmentalisation’ on the blog.- would it be possible for you to elaborate on this? I speak for myself- but I didn’t know a you did this and I don’t understand how it fits into the character trait of a narcissist. How do you use it? How does it manifest? What purpose does it serve you?
    Many thanks -MTS

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Try reading Compartment Store and The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence.

  9. 𝑪★ says:

    mine just did execute… i believe as a hoover since i refused to break N/C. Now I have to respond…. I’m reading “Revenge” and will be implimenting the “Core Principles” as I move forward and answer his petition for divorce. after all is said and done and i am on solid footing, i will decide if I want to further Revenge and topple the pillars…

  10. Just Me says:

    HG, would it be accurate that the Pinnacle Effect could happen as soon as he knows you are embedded, wedding band or not? What makes the Pinnacle Effect different from punishment or devaluation… is it simply timing?

    1. HG Tudor says:


  11. Tappan Zee says:

    My XN talked about marrying me day and night. HIs soulmate. Tra-la-la. Golden period. He was married of course. DID get a divorce (and a lionshare of her assets) we remained together and I never recall his bringing up marriage again. To me.

    1. cordelia says:

      Narc #1: long string of girlfriends and desperate to get married. Finally got an arranged marriage. Went to India, married the girl, knocked her up on the honeymoon, went back to the US, and left her in India there preggo for about half a year before bringing her over here, according to mutual friends. I was shocked that he would dump me and then pull that stunt, but this was before I read HG’s works.

      Narc #2: desperate to get married. His first wife was “a drug addict.” (riiiiiight.) Gets married and a year later is already talking to me about how quickly he would’ve proposed to me if my husband would’ve just left before he married his second wife. No need to wait to start a divorce!

      Why bother waiting for paperwork to go through when you can be engaged to one person and married to second at the same time, right?

  12. Me says:

    My husband got plastered on our wedding night, hurled insults at me on the way home to get our bags for our trip, and didn’t even have sex with me for three days after the wedding, saying that I was being a bitch and nagging at him over the fact that he refused to be intimate with me, which made him “want me even less.” Our anniversaries have all been a reminder of how cruel he can be, and how dumb I have been in giving him the fuel he wanted. I’ve learned a thing or two since then, thanks to your blog. It’s made life less miserable/somewhat tolerable. I simply don’t give him fuel most of the time. I shut that crap down right away. “yes, you’re right, as always,” and walk away and ignore him. I don’t think I would have survived without finding this website! Thank you for everything that you do!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. Tappan Zee says:

      Had we married. I am 💯 sure this would be the outcome. Bless your grey rock heart.

  13. angela says:

    so many times he asked to me married..first time only two months after know each other.
    of course not i said..after one year stilling asking same we left relation..not in bad way.
    one year later he got married
    four years later he came back ..divorce
    we been two years together..caming ang going if course..asking me get married please..i said no because i was kooking something wrong happen wirh this man….i didnt know about he was N.
    I escape 4 months ago and now i know he is N.
    i am lucky ..i hope never see him again in my life

  14. ANK says:

    Hr was on his third marriage. Would drop things into the conversation like ‘what would your mother say if you turned up on her doorstep married because you’d eloped?’

  15. Mona says:

    I have had this rare exemplar.
    His former IPPS waited more than 20 years to get married. He promised and promised… and did not marry her. She wanted children, he refused to have children, although he faked that he loved children. He bought many presents for children around him, bought them ice-cream, spent time with children. It seems as if he really loved them. He did not. He used them to impress young women, what kind of lovable man he is. If the children had any problem, he sent them away. Children were abused for his fun. And he influenced them against their parents, especially against their mothers, so that the mothers had less influence on their children.

    Once – he lured a child away from his parents on a family gathering to buy the child ice-cream. No one knew where they were. I and his parents were shocked, because this little girl (about three years old) went with him not knowing him. The child was taught not to go with strangers. And he was the first time there….Luckily he did not abuse it (and other children) sexually.

    Most of the children smelled instinctively after a while that something is wrong and stayed away. One of these children had no good parents, it stayed and is now a clone of him.
    The best lieutenant is the one, you raise yourself. (tip for you, HG)
    Same behaviour, same thoughts, same clothes ,fully under his spell, supporting him in every case.

    When he was invited to a wedding day of others, he at least once spoiled it for the couple. I do not know what he did, but I was told he behaved awfully on a wedding. He excused it with “I had a drink too much.” Towards me he bragged that he had some fun at that wedding, but did not tell me what kind of fun he had. He bragged that he made the wedding interesting!!! Without him the wedding would have been boring.
    At that time I wondered why he was not invited to another`s friends wedding or any other family events of others. Now I know. (I have had a spy, I think she was a counterspy.)

    I was cautious, I hesitated to want a marriage. He did not have enough money at that time and I feared to be responsible for him financially for all my life. Thanks to his mom , she gave me a hint. She said, that she was financially entangled with his father, therefore she could not leave his father. He would have ruined her. I understood later, she was too stupid to leave him… or to manage the money, she brought in. It was a lot of money, she brought in.

    The next IPPS of my rare narc was so impressed by him that she wanted to sell her flat at once and live with him. Of course – she wanted to support him financially, this poor man. His father died with a lot of debts, his son had to pay for them. But my rare narc had luck. His mother found another man three months after his father`s death and of course this new husband paid for the son of his new wife. ( I still do not know, whether both parents were narcs or if one of them was a borderline. I do not have enough information.)

    My rare narc hesitated about his own marriage, although it was a lot of fuel for him, that a woman wanted to sell her property for him. On the other hand- this was the point when he started to condemn her. If a woman does all that she can for him- he devalues her. ( typical narc logic)
    I do not know , whether he is married or not , because of – No contact- and my counterspy went NC with me, because she and her husband have too much benefits of my narc.

    By the way, he asked the next IPPS to help one of his “friends” ( lover) to get a job !!!!! (information of the spy)
    It is still fascinating to observe the behaviour of the narc. I am a little bit sad, that I have no spy anymore.

    Yes, I have had a rare exemplar. As long as others pay for him, he sees no need to marry. His facade is strong enough and he is so convinced of his impact on women that he believes he needs no marriage for binding an IPPS. At least one woman stayed for more than twenty years. Why should others not do the same for him?

  16. Sniglet says:

    I believe that as a writer and the owner of your blog qualifies you for celebrity status, HG. Obviously popular with many women. Have you received marriage proposals since the start of your

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. narc affair says:

        Im very old fashioned and the man would have to propose to me.
        Im surprised youve recieved proposals HG maybe well be hearing wedding bells in the near future 🤗 im glad i hung onto my dollar store confetti 😄

      2. K says:

        Has anyone mailed you a pair of knickers yet?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No K they haven’t.

      3. Sniglet says:

        Well, so tell the details. Who was it? And what was your answer?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You do not know the person. The answer was ‘no’.

  17. Anna says:

    do narcissistic marriages typically end in divorce? Some narcs seem to be able to hang on to their supply spouses for decades.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, not always, the threat of divorce but not executing it is of course a method of control.

      1. C★ says:

        What then, when THEY DO EXECUTE IT? I was the one holding on…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I don’t understand your question.

          1. C★ says:

            never mind….

  18. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    This never ever gets old lmao…

    HG is this your “wife zone”

  19. MK says:

    Flags I didn’t recognize:
    Marriage 1: very wealthy rum family, super expensive wedding, established aristocracy, one child
    Marriage 2: stripper from Las Vegas Spearmint Rhino (créme de la créme of dancers, I know first hand), she was the one running the girls, elope to Séychèlles, one child
    Neither is remarried or really dating (removing themselves from Narc’s life or his verbal game of abuse).
    I’m just a middle class opera director, and would observe the world around us and say things that made him laugh deeply and he would say, “YOU are a real character!” I guess I just really had his number (as they say) in the end. Of course I was the IPPS while he was broke and homeless. Like a happy middle.

    Enjoying your posts for now, HG, truly, and your speaking voice. But I’m just letting the whole Narc thing go, and now that I know SO very much more, won’t have to cycle through it again. Thank you!!!

  20. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    If I was treated like shit after marrying that asshole I can assure you I wouldn’t give a flying fuck how I looked I would do what I want whenever I want.

  21. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    This pinnacle effect…

    So completely ensnare the woman by marrying them and then immediately start devaluing them? It seems pretty short-sighted.

    That sounds pointless…

    The impression I am getting (I could be wrong) is that you marry the person and then since you feel like you have them you feel like you can get lazy and ultimately don’t put any effort in…become abusive… and do whatever the hell you want…..

    If I am interpretting this correctly… the narcissist or psychopath is destroying their own relationship by becoming complacent and then abusive…

    If you don’t maintain the relationship and give to the individual – he/she will not function and give what you want in return.

    The same mistakes are repeated over and over again expecting a different outcome….

    A car runs on gas… if you don’t fill up the car it won’t run and then you get mad at it for not running… you don’t give it an oil change the engine is shot …. but then you get angry that the car isn’t functioning the way you want it to?

    You can keep kicking the car …. it still won’t function. Then,when you finally decide to give it an oil change or fill it up w/gas the damage is done and it’s broken.

    It’s abusive and self-destructive. You can blame the other person all you want but in the end you aren’t actually getting what you want – the result is the same because you will always have to hunt for a new person.

    I’m so glad I never moved in or married my ex piece of shit. Thank you for that reminder.

    Fucking pointless and useless….

    1. Mona says:

      Hallo Dr. Quinzel, yes, you interpreted it right. That is the way a narcissistic relationship “functions”. There is only point that you misunderstood. They do not want a normal relationship. They do not want it to work in a normal way. They want variety. If it is possible, if they can suppress the housewife much enough, she will be there to sort the financial things, to give money, she is good for standard sex meanwhile, good for raising the children and cleaning the house. She will be suppressed, manipulated, and gets some crumbs of “love” to stay. They want a house slave. Bitter – isn`t it?

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        A house slave? I would tell that dipshit he better start ordering in food because my ass doesn’t cook.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I hear you get a Christmas card from your local takeaway Dr Q by way of thank you for your extensive custom!

      2. Windstorm2 says:

        Yes, Mona, bitter, but too often true

    2. K says:

      Dr. PsyD
      You have some big-ass cojones! It is an admirable trait. Thanks for making me laugh this morning!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        You made me smile 😁

        You would be so proud of me – I’ve been working on being more selfish lol – totally canceled on a dude today this is how I perceive it:

        1. I have a headache so…I mean fuck it.
        2. due to past flakey behavior I feel justified
        3. I didn’t feel like looking pretty or putting in effort lmao

        Only bad thing is that I won’t see a few of my friends but since I don’t do that to my friends like ever they are understanding – but I have to say I’m getting so much better at looking out for number one lmao!

      2. K says:

        Dr. PsyD.
        I loved what you wrote up above regarding “the pinnacle effect” and “That sounds pointless…” Hysterical and accurate! OMG! I am very proud of you, and make sure you take care of yourself because nobody else will. You deserve to be # 1 and selfishness can have many positive benefits for our kind. We need to learn to be more selfish so we can survive and be happier.

      3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Just ballsy enough to make shit interesting lmao 😜

  22. K says:

    My dad was married three times and he had a family that we didn’t even know about until much later. I am the product of marriage #2 and I have two half brothers from his first marriage; no siblings from the third one.

  23. MyTrueSelf says:

    He was divorced once already.

    He bounded into my work one afternoon, at the end of my shift, I have never seen anyone so elated. He made a beeline towards me,
    “Will you marry me?” He was grinning whilst staring at me intently.
    “Er….wow!” I said. The question had come out of the blue.
    I said “yes”
    And that was the last I heard about it. A week or two later- the discard

    It was like he was manic. Can a narcissist cycle manic/depressive? Or is it part of The Game?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There may be a co-morbid condition but more likely you witnessed the split thinking and the compartmentalisation.

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