The Emotional Battle Part Three

THE EMOTIONAL BATTLEPART THREE.jpg

 

When you have been discarded, you face three battles in order to secure your freedom. The first is the Emotional Battle which you always lose until you learn not fight it. The second is the Heart V Head Battle which must be fought many times until you finally overcome the powerful effects of emotion and allow your cool, hard logic to dictate. Once that battle has been won, you have managed to navigate a way through the emotional ocean and then you have reached dry land on the other side. This is where the third battle is joined. This dry land provides you with a firmer foundation and just like the discovery of the New World, boundless opportunities. You are no longer prone to the vagaries of the swelling and dramatic ocean of emotions. That is not to say that your emotions have been switched off. Far from it. Instead, the solidity of this land is a reflection of the greater control you now have over your emotions as you ally them with the logic that you have regained. No longer do you feel overwhelmed. You are not beset by anxiety. Fear does not maintain a near permanent grip on your stomach. You were repeatedly drowned as you tried to swim the emotional ocean alone in the first battle. You saw yourself swamped and capsized on numerous occasions as reach time you increased your intellect and understanding as you built larger and more seaworthy vessels until finally you navigated your war through that broiling sea of feelings and now you stand on firm, dry and solid land. Your critical thinking has increased, your sense of calm has bloomed and you have gained greater control.

You stand before a land of opportunities and this is where you are now able to make the decisions. In the previous two battles you were overwhelmed and then often on the back foot. Here, in this final battle, you have the opportunity to seize and maintain the upper hand. You have so many choices available to you now.

You may decide to build a large tower and secrete yourself inside. You have the sturdy foundation now on which to construct this edifice. You are safe and secure high up in this tower. You admit visitors but only those that you know can be trusted. Occasionally you hear a knock in the dead of night. You make your way to the balcony and look down from your towering height to see us stood outside knocking on the door and seeking admittance. You may feel the surge of those emotions once more but you have greater control now. You may call out and wave, issuing a polite greeting and no more. You may decide just to turn around and leave us to our ineffectual knocking. Either way in this battle you have seized control and you are far better equipped to make rational decisions which suit you and prevent you from being wholly governed by those turbulent emotions.

You may decide to forge ahead and seek out new adventures in this land. You meet new people and form fresh and lasting friendships, perhaps even finding someone with whom you can share intimacy and romance. As you trek through this land, gathering new friends and revisiting those who were conned into severing the ties with you, you remain vigilant for out of nowhere we might appear. We might strike, lurching through a crowd hurling insults. You are better armed this time and able to shield yourself before moving away, refusing to be drawn into responding and a war of words like you once might have done. It may be the case, as you embrace these new horizons that we appear, smiling and benign, sidling up to you and taking you by surprise. The risk always remains, for if you are abroad within this new land, you cannot place yourself behind sturdy defences. Thus, you remain exposed to ambush and approach. You remain better equipped than you were, as a consequence of your gathered learning, your increased understanding and ongoing recovery. You are in a better position to rebuff the ambush, refusing to engage and making your departure to safer ground. Sometimes you may be caught and those emotions wash about you as we try to haul you back across the sea to a time when you were alone and going under the lashing waves. This risk always remains.

You may opt to establish an estate where you do not take refuge in some tower, but instead you create a place of familiarity where everyone is known to you and you are known to them. You have your supporters in clear view and whilst you may not tread down the path less travelled in search of new territories you reduce your risk of us appearing out of nowhere. These familiar places enable you to maintain clear lines of sight so that if we do make an appearance you are able to take suitable evasive action.

This final battle takes the form of repeated skirmishes as we seek to catch you unawares and drag you back to an earlier battle where our prospects of success are maximised. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes one of our devious ploys catches you unaware and we scale your tower and appear on your balcony like that once desired Prince Charming again and your defences are breached. Other times you repel our approaches, turning your back or cutting us down with new learned techniques which force us to withdraw. You may see no action for weeks, months and even years as new reaches you that we are fighting on other fronts, seemingly content to leave you be. At least for the time being. Then out of nowhere you may reduce your vigilance and we are by your side, seeking to snake our tendrils around you once again. In this final battle you now know what to look for. When we march on to the battle field you see and take heed of the red flags which stream behind us. You have learned methods by which you can counter and neutralise our manipulations. You have established safe territories to which you might retreat if the need arises. You have fashioned your own armoury in this new land of hope and promise. You now know how you can wound us and now, exerting greater control, you do so which gives us no option but to disengage from the skirmish and skulk away to lick our wounds and regroup.

This final battle takes place in a land where the battlefield, for the first time, is more of your choosing than ours. You have better equipped to fight this battle and whilst there remains a risk of defeat and you being ensnared once again, it is far less than in the previous two battles. You are battle-hardened and those scars are worn as badges of honour as you stand tall for the first time in, well, you cannot recall when that last happened, but it has happened at last.

Thus, this is the final battle post discard. The battle that takes place on dry land. Should you overcome the first two battles, this is where you will find yourself. Now you understand where you will end up as you deal with the fallout from being discarded. Now you are aware of what will happen, what to expect and how you are in a better position to keep winning the skirmishes in this final battle. This only leaves one question remaining. How long will this final battle last?

It will continue until one of us no longer lives.

4+
Advertisements

31 thoughts on “The Emotional Battle Part Three”

  1. this was super cool! You are right! To win, we have to change spaces. The narc drives us to the water. but we drown there! We need to get to land.

    I think the hardest thing when you are unaware of narcs, is that u think that because they return they love you. That was why I let him in again: “oh wow, after all these years he is still looking for me! This must mean something!!!” …haha NO! It means NOTHING! it sucks that this last battle is forever. But, awesome that the final discard is in the power of the victim 😀 😀
    Great writing!

    5+
    1. Haha! I used to think that the guys I dated previously always realized what they lost once I was done because they always came back. Knew nothing then about narcs of hoovering. It wasn’t until recently after my marriage and never ending divorce with my narcopath that I realized I always have dated narcissists. (The previous ones however were all lessors and their Hoover’s and tactics never worked on me once I was done. Being with and leaving a narcopath who’s a dark triad is a WHOLE other experience I never want to go through again.)
      Anyway, I guess I wasn’t that special 😂😅

      1+
  2. I have a question, HG. You understand the N side very well of coures. However, you actually really DO, understand the process of disconnecting from our side very well. How is that? Have you been here (Matrinarc for example)? Do you make some assumptions based on what you have seen in your victims? From us? Are you really good at guessing? What sources do you draw on?

    0
  3. Yes, I guess this is where I’ve finally landed. Quite recently though and still exhausted and almost numb. I don’t ever want to isolate myself in a tower or secure my line of vision, I want to live again, find my way back to how good it feels to be me, fall in love again, laugh again, and let the past be the past. I have a somewhat ridiculous, but oh so strong and so alive a belief in love and no one is allowed to take that from me. My worst fear right now is not being able to trust again, hurting someone else through my issues, needing to resolve my childhood first. But new love and new life there must always be.

    4+
  4. I will never be free got a strange semi quasi hoover today and I’m back at square one this aficionados is killing me I need to cut off all my social media but how I really think even though he’s a sick narcissist I’m way sicker than him this is maddening been crying for an hour

    3+
      1. You WILL get there… it just takes time. I actually found that my stage 1 and 2 looked very similar emotionally. I’m at stage 3 for sure and I STILL sometimes cry for over an hour… You’ll get there! We will get there.

        4+
  5. I have been reading some of your articles (new and old) and I still find it hard to believe that your kind will circle back around eventually. Given my situation, I cannot say for if it was an escape or devaluation and discard because my ex (after future faking so many times after our breakup when he moved to another country) had asked me to become friends with him (and even hoped that I would meet his new primary source). I stopped talking to him right then and there. He tried getting my attention with a few likes on social media but stopped when I didn’t respond to any of it.
    It’s been almost two months and it still hurts but I’m tired of it. Plus since he seems so content with her so I doubt I will hear from him anytime this century.

    0
      1. What does that mean exactly, HG… that 2 months is not long at all? Does it mean that to you (the Narcissist) it’s not long – perhaps compared to the lifetime you plan on being in our sphere? Or does it mean 2 months is not long regarding our healing and how it takes a Very Long time to heal from the emotional devastation from the toxic relationship? By the way, the writing in the story was excellent.

        0
      2. It means two months is not long in time to have not been hoovered. I hoovered after a gap of 12 years.

        2+
    1. I was hovered after three months three weeks so yeah two months is nothing I just got hovered a few days ago after 2 months two weeks no contact

      0
  6. “you always lose until you learn not fight it.”

    The empath’s dogged refusal to see it for what it truly is.
    The empaths hesitation and then refusal to acknowledge it as insurmountably irrepairable and leave it behind. Forever.
    Discover and strenghthen your own true strengths, especially the ones the narcissist ridicules or discourages. Discover and diminish your own true weaknesses, especially the ones the narcissist uses against you on any given day.

    You will NEVER, EVER “see” the narcissist even as you know what you are entangled with, and even if the mask slips. But that glimpse, it should jolt you onto another plane of awareness.

    Empath, heal thyself.

    3+
  7. Narcissistic sociopaths are evil empty people that will fill themselves with an object empath’s life, then slowly and deliberatly employ the empath as a tool in the destruction and assimilation of their own life and their SELF from the inside. 
    The narcissist counts upon the object empath’s dogged refusal to see the narcissist and the situation for the dupe it truly is. The narcissist counts upon the object empath’s hesitation and then refusal to acknowledge the narcissist as insurmountably irrepairable and leave it behind.  Forever.
    You cannot “save” a narcisst.
    Save yourself.
    Discover, develop and strenghthen your own true strengths, especially those the narcissist mirrors,  ridicules, or discourages.  Discover, explore, and diminish your own true weaknesses and insecurities, not the exaggerated ones the narcissist points out or uses against you on any given day.  

    You will NEVER, EVER “see” the narcissist, even as you know what you are entangled with and even if the mask slips. But that glimpse, it should jolt you onto another plane of awareness.

    Empath, heal thyself.

    4+
    1. You are so right at this stage it’s not him I have to battle it’s myself I took him back once and I’d probably do it again so I finally blocked him on everything I need to face reality I need to heal myself he’s toxic to me but what I do to myself is 1000 times worth I’m letting him control my life putting my life on hold I’m the one who desperately needs healing I’m the one who needs to ensure there is absolutely no way for him to contact me ever again and I need to stop checking his activity only then will I get a clear head I took step one yesterday by blocking step two starts today

      1+
  8. I feel like self love work is the answer learn to love yourself. Once you do this do need for the narcissist in your life with diminish and fade

    1+
  9. “This only leaves one question remaining. How long will this final battle last?

    It will continue until one of us no longer lives.”
    Your last words are chilling to me. Especially because I find your insight on your blog far superior and brutally honest than I have found anywhere else I’ve looked for help and insight. It also hit me in the deepest recesses of my fears and imaginations because THIS is the thought that haunts me and has since I first initiated my divorce from my husband who is a psychopath.
    My initial question is this:
    Did you mean this literally, figuratively or both? What does it mean for one of us to die? Cease to exist as we were, or at all? I remember him laughing to me once about a batterers intervention program he was forced to attend after attacking me and destroying my phone to get rid of evidence of his abuse on me and the kids. (Never physical with me, BTW, before or after this attack. Always violent, always intimidating, but not physical). He was sharing how he learned that “his abuse had the power to kill me”. The teacher, he said told him that the abuse will only end one of three ways. Him leaving, him changing, or he abuses me to death. He laughed and said, “well I’ll be nice and leave.” We we’re already separated 8 months but he likes to try and convince me that he left, not me, any chance he gets.
    This is the first time I’ve ever asked a question or made a comment on a blog so I’m not sure of the proper etiquette but I would like to give you a little history into my situation, though I’m sure you could probably in your brilliance on this topic instinctively guess it yourself. Forgive me if I get long winded. I have a tendency now to over explain. It soothes the anxiety my husband so graciously gifted me with and when I don’t do this my panic goes into overdrive thinking what if they don’t know all that’s happened.., they’ll never understand me or the danger my kids and I face. Anyway, here is the background that leads me to my other question and gives foundation for my first.

    Since the moment I let him know that was the direction I was headed he began to tell me how dark and dangerous he truly is. I would find that out for myself immediately upon announcing I was done and demanding he leaves. His next words to me, (as well as my children since unfortunately it had to happen in front of them because he was directly pulling them into the room to tell them how psychotic and evil I was leaving me no choice but to demand he left we’re)…
    “You are no longer my wife. You are my enemy.” Then he left.
    The battles and horrific abuse that began shortly after his announcement blindsided me to a point I literally believed he could kill me and would, without ever laying a finger on me.
    Worse, I found my children and I suddenly alone. Isolated from all support and help from the friends and family I had no clue had already been groomed to reject me by my husband.
    It’s been almost three years now. Many battles have been fought. I have learned that his words and actions are never impulsive. Never accidental. I have learned how dark he is and the destruction he is capable of. I have watched in shock and horror as the wounds he continued to inflict or try to inflict not only caused him no remorse but to the contrary seemed to be his only source of pleasure.
    Despite this I have not, will not return to my marriage and will fight to get this divorce and protection from the courts no matter what. I will fight to hold him accountable financially through the courts to ensure my children and I can rebuild the life he all but destroyed.
    I had done the initial break up so for the last few years it’s been an endless cycle of Hoover’s (none romantic for the past year, more “I want to be a good dad/coparent” kind of thing, as well as promises to fully provide financially the way he needs to since for various reasons I’ve been unable to leave my kids or drop them off at a school and need to maintain homeschooling them. Also, although I have a bachelors, I gave up my career years ago to raise my children full time. So financially we are dependent on him despite him keeping us consistently below poverty level, causing stress, instability and occupying a great deal of the time I’ve needed to give to my kids education and health as well as rebuild our lives. I often need to take side jobs and I freelance as an artist as well. My kids really have needed my attention and this has caused great damage to
    them and to our relationships.) So to keep from completely drowning I have often appealed to his psychopathy and narcissism by providing him with supply and allowing him to maintain enough control to keep me constantly in chaos. However, I also felt it was necessary to keep us alive or keep me from losing my kids or not being able to protect and shield them from him.
    I have recently realized that allowing him to maintain that control as long as it was from the outside and he stayed mostly away, has allowed him to do more damage than I could ever imagine. Both to myself and my kids. Who I fear have been slowly slipping into his patterns and ideologies. That! Is why I left and yet it seems to have played in the opposite direction making them more susceptible to his abuse and manipulation, not less.
    Anyway, I believe he was in the middle of trying to carry out his final discard on me in order to rewrite the reality that I left him. “No one leaves him!!” Well I beat him to the punch again, letting him know that I know who he is, I know what he does and I will no longer engage at all other than what is necessary. I told him that I will no longer tell him when what he’s done is anusive or damagingtbe kids, giving him an opportunity to fix it, since I now know his intentions were abusive to begin with. Instead I will do whatever I think is necessary to protect myself and my kids if I feel protection is needed.
    He went silent 😳
    No usual threats beyond telling me he won’t send the money I need and if I continue to say these things he’ll cut off my phone. But that was it!!! Now he’s quiet, and I will remain true to my word that I will no longer engage in conversations with him.
    So now I believe I’m at the final battle and just as haunting as your ending words to your post are my thoughts about what’s coming next. What weapons he’s preparing for the battlefield. His anger has been slowly escalating again since June when I told him I didn’t want to provide him with sex in exchange for child support or alimony anymore. Again, it escalated even further when he found out I once again retained a lawyer. It reached a fever pitch last week when I had to fly out of state to his home where he essentially held me hostage, I call them imaginary cuffs, (much like he did shortly after I left him initially), as he spent a week devaluing me to and in front of my children. I flew there BTW, because it was the only way he said he would let the kids return home. So Iike I said,I think this was supposed to be his discard and instead I shot first. Now I’m scared. I know funds will be his first attack, I’m sure accusations and threats regarding court his next. What should I do???
    If your words, and my fears, are true then how do I ensure I come out of this last battle alive?
    I apologize if I wrote too much. I really am desperate for your insight.
    Thank you

    1+
    1. Thank you for your comment. In order to obtain insight on your personal situation in such detail the most appropriate forum is through a consultation.

      1+
      1. I wonder if your consultation would be free to Wildflower knowing her dire situation? just wondering ~

        1+
      2. No. I provide a huge amount of free material already and the floodgates concept is an unassailable reason why I will not do so.

        1+
      3. It’s definitely something I have been wanting to do because I know how valuable a consultation would be and honestly how desperately I need it.
        Unfortunately it’s not a choice for me right now.

        0
      4. I agree that I really would benefit most from a consultation… until that can happen though, would you mind answering my initial question?
        When you said “until one of us is dead”, did you mean it literally, figuratively or Both? Is there a death of identity ever in a sociopath or psychopath?

        0
    2. I can only tell you what I would do. You need to get an order of protection like YESTERDAY. Lie to get it if you have to, but get it. Enforce that order like a dragon. If he so much as crosses 2 inches over the boundary, call 911. I don’t know what country you’re in, but you need to contact a domestic violence resource center NOW!
      And, props to HG, consults are $40. Pay it. His advice is totally worth it. Best of luck to you.

      1+
      1. Thank you! Yes, I believe a P.O. is my best hope to protect my kids and I. He moved out of state. Not sure if they’ll take it as serious since there’s so much physical difference. So hard to explain to be people how dangerous he truly is. (And no doubt as too how worth the $40 the consultation will be. I’m strangled financially. $40 may as well be $400 😢
        I’ve sold almost everything we ever owned and the majority of what we have now I made. Including furniture, toys, really almost everything.)

        0

Leave a Reply