Don’t Know What You Want



“I don’t know what you want, heaven knows I have tried. Every day I have spent my time in the pursuit of your happiness. It was easy at first because you seemed so happy. I don’t think I had seen anybody who acted in such a care free manner. Nothing seemed to bother you, hold you back or distract you. You moved with such intent, acted with defined purpose and I must confess I found that attractive. The singularity of your aim was evident to even the casual observer. You shrugged off mishaps, shirked disaster and dodged catastrophe as if you had once pledged that you would never countenance anything that could hinder or hold you back. It is admirable and impressive. With that ability to glide effortlessly through life you always seemed happy, or at least that is what I thought. You made me happy too. Goodness knows you did. You did it better than anybody else and with such conviction. I can place my hand on my heart and confirm that I have never experienced anybody like you. Your capacity for love exceeded anything I had witnessed before. Everything else paled next to you and your blazing golden sunshine. You chased away the gloom, you lit up the darkest of days and you always did so with such confidence and fortitude. It was easy to love you, you made it easy. Who wouldn’t love a god who had deigned to walk on the earth in such a manner? Of all of the billions making their way across this planet you came and you chose me. Me. Two small letters yet you made those letters fill your life and there was no room for anything else. I had never been the focus of such love, attention and affection and do you know, I doubt I ever will again. There is nobody like you. I mean that as a compliment, I honestly do, nobody loved me the way you did. If I had not seen it happening and felt it envelope me I would never have believed it and believe in it I did, with every ounce of my being. You know I almost felt obliged to love you. How could I not after all the things you did for me and everything you said? I would surely be a cold-hearted harridan to have denied you the most perfect love after what you showed me. I could no less reciprocate what you gave me than walk away and I feel hard and deep for you so that it made loving you easy. I gave everything for you but if I am honest, at least at first, it was no chore, no arduous exercise or thorny path. It was bliss. You invigorated me, you elated me and you inspired me. You became the centre of my world and thus I loved you in every conceivable way that I could, with my eyes, my mouth, my fingers, my breath and my heart. I woke and the first thing I thought of was you. I found you filling my thoughts often and repeatedly as I considered how best I could return your wonderful love. I sculpted my life around yours as I cooked for you, I shopped for you, I listened to you and I counselled you. I soothed your fevered brow and held your clammy hand as you slipped into a chaotic slumber. I laundered your clothes, I searched for your keys, I supported your endeavours and I lauded your achievements. I made myself the best person you could ever want by your side and I strove each and every day to maintain our happiness for our perfect union. I invested everything I had in our partnership as I wanted to be Robin to your Batman, Hutch to your Starsky and the Sundance kid to your Butch Cassidy.  I portrayed nothing less than the perfect visage to all of those who admire you. The bended knee people, the hand-kissers, the bowing people and those at your elbow and over your shoulders. I gave them no reason to doubt us, to doubt you. I smiled when the pain tried to prevent me from doing so. I blinked back the tears when they wanted to pour. I searched for answers even when I began to realise that none would be forthcoming. You made me twist, turn and dangle as you had me like Don Quixote, tilting at those windmills because they might be giants. You made me think that enemies lurked behind every corner, their long-fingered jealousy ready to steal what we had. I searched for them, ready to strike them down in furtherance of what we have, because I believed in you and I. I gave every minute of every day to you, I cancelled my plans, I let friends loose and irked my family in order to give you what I thought you wanted. I cleaned, I worked, I bathed, I trimmed, I cut, I dieted, I measured, I washed and I did so all because of you. I had come so far along the road with you that I was not going to stop because somehow I knew that we would succeed, all I had to do was find what it was that you wanted. That is me, you see, I am a giver and you are a receiver. That does not pain me because I have spent most of my life being a provider and a giver, that is why I was put on the earth, to care, to worry, to look after and to cherish. That is my role and I have discharged myself in this role with utter dedication and distinction. I know I can lie straight in the bed, even more so because you no longer frequent it with me and do so in the knowledge that I have done everything I could for you. You could not want for more. You could not want for a better person than. You were the best for me and I wanted to be the best for you too. They say that when you are going through hell you should keep on going, but I cannot. These shaking hands, my scarred forearms and thinning hair tell me otherwise. The incessant dull ache in my brown, the stoop that I have acquired and the ever present sense of dread threaten to consign me to oblivion. I thought that if I knew what you wanted, if I worked and tried, I could ascertain what it was that you wanted and then I could give it to you and we would be one again. We would be us. We would be happy.

I don’t know what you want.

But I cannot give it anymore.”

9 thoughts on “Don’t Know What You Want

  1. Lia says:

    Hello Mr. Tudor,
    this article makes so much sense, and it describes the prior dynamic of the relationship i have with my ex-boyfriend (i strongly believe he is a narcissist or has very strong tendencies) but i realize another truth, i may be a one too, i do have emotions, i feel like i love him, but the feeling is like a wind, it is like coming from a window, and i can shut it down to protect myself and act with a logic.

    We broke up four months ago, i didn’t make any contact, because i wanted him to come back to me, he has a girlfriend right after our break up, i have a fling with another man 3 day after our break up, i see his girlfriend and be happy beacuse she is nothing to compare to me and this makes me feel good instead of being jelaous. He talk bad about me to our mutual friends, i did nothing. Beacuse i knew if i act cool (oh inside i was not cool i was burning with anger) he will look like a stupid gossiper. He blocked me from social media, i did nothing, he unblocked me, i did nothing, and i feel good. He talk about me again, i didn’t give any reaction. I wait for him to come to me, directly, he resist it, i feel it, but today he accidently watch my instagram story probably he was stalking me (his girlfriend was next to him, i stalk her instagram from fake account, so i knew it) i feel like it was all about power. We were best friends for four year, and in a relationship for a year. I know who he is, i have a sympathy for his actions, because i act like that too. In our first night together, we had the most intense sex, and he said “there is a garden in my head, you are the little bunny in it, but it is a dangerous garden you know” i laughed because i didnt feel like a bunny and i thought it was a silly comment. In our first break up he said “we are both fucked up people” and once he said “you are just like me” i dont know where is it going. I wanna be with him, because he is so handsome and charming and funny, but not trustworthy and loyal. I look good too, and i am funny and smart. We get along great. When he is come back (i’m sure he will, and i even know that it will be soon) it will be too hard. I imagine myself with a person with whole heart, it feel safe and good, i crave for trust.

    I asked him once how do you think we can be like that forever (right now i realize i was referring to golden period) he said only if i take you somewhere with your eyes closed, locked you in there, you shouldn’t question where you are and trust me, and i promise i will come every day and i will be cute 7/24.

    I said you may be little bit insecure and we laughed. But now i think that he was not joking.

    But somehow i understand him.

    That is not normal, and actually, i don’t know what is normal. I always found love movies cheesy, we always made fun with romantic songs, and we gossip about other peoples relationships in a sarcastic way.

    I can’t believe he devalue me. I only do that for short period of time for feel myself good but not permanently, i feel like i’m on his side.

    I miss him, i need him to miss me. Nothing unconditionally from my side.

    And i think unconditional concept is kind of stupid, i still dont get it. Why would you? I only imagine myself complete giver with my own child.

  2. Lori says:

    “Of course, this is how your kind is repeatedly conned so long may it continue.” HG, what does “may it continue” mean?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It means we want that to continue because it serves our purposes.

  3. Pst says:

    So HG the point you are trying to make Im assuming is that you try to give us everything you think we want but then what happens? I saw this with my husband & then there is a disconnect. Why? I think we gave alot too, but we give ourselves completely & we do put up with all you have done to us as you look at all you do for us. Which I understand what your saying about your constantly giving. You are also taking without reservation all of the love, attention, etc from us. You expect it! My question is if you want to be one & happy etc. Why do your feelings change & you withdraw from the relationship. I left my husband, Im getting divorced & its over! I can never go back to thst life. He just gave up & lingered on in the relationship until i made the move. It wasn’t until I discovered who he really was & the state of our relationship that i decided to end it!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello PST, the chief reason why we devalue is because your fuel becomes stale so we have to seek a contrast and devaluation is the answer. Sometimes it is not an issue of staleness but because the quantity and/or frequency of fuel is not sufficient. Disengagement occurs for the reasons set out in the article 5 Reasons Why We Disengage.

  4. Noname says:

    “It was easy to love you, you made it easy”.

    Yes. The superficial relationship is pretty easy, but it is short-lived and meaningles in general.

    The deep relationship is never easy, but it gives a “home”.

  5. Lisa says:

    Not only do you try to teach us to walk in your shoes HG, but it seems you are able to walk in ours. I find that (coming from a narcissist), rather odd. It shows empathy, compassion, understanding and feeling. Mimicry maybe, but it seems more than that….just saying.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is cognitive empathy. I have listened and observed for years so I understand your kind very well. This means I am far more effective. Always know your foe. There is no compassion, no emotional empathy for your kind. Of course, this is how your kind is repeatedly conned so long may it continue.

  6. Kim michaud says:

    This could be written by both the narc and the victim I’m happy to say I think I met a nice normal man and a friendship is devolping At a slow but steady pace please don’t let this he a cue for A hoover as I was dating someone last time I got hoovered but he wAs a narc too

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