Trapped : The Car

trapped-3

Control.

We need to control everything around us. This must be done so we can gain fuel. This must be done because our natural paranoia causes us to need to exert our will on those around us, before they can do so to us and undoubtedly with catastrophic consequences. Only by exerting control can we be sure and satisfied that the order of things will be as we require it to be. We hate to be subject to the control of others. That reminds us of matters which are best left alone.

This need and desire for control causes us to adjust our manipulations so that we can engineer situations where we can achieve total control. Total control arises when we have you trapped.

This concept of trapping you works on several levels. The widest level is within the confines of the Narcissistic Relationship. This is why we regard your entanglement with us as being permanent. We chose you and now you belong to us. You have no say in this of course, why would you when you are not of our calibre? The idea of trapping you continues in terms of the Formal Relationship. This is why we move swiftly to proclaim you as our boyfriend, fiancee, partner, wife and so forth. The application of this labelling is more than just a convenient way of referring to you. We trap you during seduction with the illusion that we create. We trap you during devaluation through the application of our machinations to ensure that you remain stuck and confused. We place traps all around you so they snap close and hold you tight. We get you pregnant, we isolate you from your friends, we make you give up your job so you become financially dependent on us (although we will naturally complain about you leeching off us later on), we stop you seeing your family, we smear people to you and you to them so you are cut adrift from your support networks. On and on it goes the placing and laying of these traps at varying levels so you remain trapped.

This trapping continues within the various stages of the narcissistic cycle. Most often this manifests when we are devaluing you. In keeping with the need to have total control, we want to engineer situations where you are under our control, unable to escape us and thus we can exact our machinations against you and extract what we want from you. To do this, we create Situational Traps and there are many of them which I shall detail to you over the course of various articles, but we shall begin with a Situational Trap which is a favourite of ours; the car.

We will naturally be at the wheel after all the car is ours (whether it might be in your name is irrelevant) and so we have to be the one driving. We choose where we are going, the speed at which we go, the controls of the car are under our charge. You are sat besides us, seatbelt on, buckled in to your seat as the world flashes by. You cannot escape us. You cannot jump from the car. You might unclip your seatbelt and climb into the back of the vehicle, if you are nimble enough, although we will stop you from trying to do that. You are in the hotseat, right next to us and we know it.

You may we well cuffed to a chair in some dingy basement, with a single bright light shining in your face for the interrogation and treatment will be of a similar nature. The journey may have begun pleasantly enough but if this is a trip which is taking place during the devaluation period, all it takes is for your to blunder in to criticising us and then our fury ignites and the nastiness commences. With you trapped we know that we have you all to ourselves. There is nowhere for you to go. With a Mid-Ranger or a Greater, you will be lured into the vehicle purely for the purposes of us being to rely on the Situational Trap. The behaviour which has offended us may have taken place earlier, in some instances days earlier and with plotting mind firing away, we avail ourselves of the opportunity to coerce you to go on a journey with us. It will undoubtedly be under some false pretence; a picnic, a drive to the coast, a trip to the shopping mall. Once you are in, the seat belt is on and the central locking clicks, then you are our prisoner. The smile we wore fades in an instant and the fury which we have kept under control is now allowed to the surface. This enables us to draw fuel form your reactions, your pleading, your questioning, your puzzled expression, the fright in your eyes and such like. We may well have placed your bag in the boot which contains your ‘phone so you cannot call anybody. If you try to reach for your ‘phone, it will be snatched from you and thrown to one side, quite possibly from the moving vehicle as we ensure that you are isolated and trapped.

You cannot go anywhere. There is nobody to ask for help. You cannot move out of this confined space. Thus we have placed you in this Situation Trap which is allowing us to exert complete and utter control over you, enabling us to do as we please, for howsoever long we choose and accordingly, such total control is very much an outcome that we aim for.

When we have you to ourselves in this manner, so begins the unpleasant treatment which is all designed to ensure you remain subjected to our power and for you to give us fuel. There are many different ways we exert this when we have you trapped in the passenger seat besides us and these are some of those ways:-

  1. Driving at an excessive speed and/or recklessly;
  2. Slamming the breaks on causing you to jolt forward, then accelerating, then braking hard again, catapulting you back and forth;
  3. Braking hard when you are about to take a drink so it spills;
  4. Turning up the music extremely loud;
  5. Cross-examining you relentlessly about something you have done or not done;
  6. Administering a silent treatment;
  7. Telling you at the outset of the journey that we are going somewhere and then driving in a different direction or past the destination and refusing to explain where we are going;
  8. Assaulting you physically as we drive;
  9. Driving at night in an unlit area and switching the lights on and off;
  10. Swerving violently over the road, overtaking at dangerous places;
  11. Repeatedly insulting you;
  12. Shouting at you;
  13. Poking you as we question you.
  14. Driving into the middle of nowhere in silence, save for a baleful glare that we keep giving you;
  15. Threatening to drive us both off a cliff and heading towards such an area;
  16. Threatening to throw you from the car whilst it is moving;
  17. Circular conversations;
  18. Lengthy monologues about ourselves which have you bored to tears.

The effect of this behaviour will vary in intensity. Sometimes it is purely to frustrate you because we have not gone to the place that was promised. On other occasions it is to allow us to talk at you and question you so you are made to feel bored or uncomfortable. Then again, the nastiness and intimidation is increased whereby the intention is to terrify you and have you scared witless.

Having behaved in this manner and left you terrified, shaking and scared, we may well purposefully drive into an area where the traffic is slower and there are other cars around to test you to see if you try to escape us or attract attention from somebody else. We will be waiting for you to test our control and if you do, there will be further repercussions.

Repeated applications of this behaviour will eventually condition you to the point that you dread being told that

“We are going for a drive.”

Since you have come to know only too well that it is far more than just going for a drive. It is placing you in a cell right next to us, a cell from which you are unable to move or escape and thus we can apply our twisted machinations against you all in the name of fuel and further control.

You are trapped and it is to drive you insane.

27 thoughts on “Trapped : The Car

  1. Mary says:

    Thank you for your answer HG

    Of course.

  2. My narc father made five kids and my mother crazy in the car. Honking constantly, swerving for the heck of it, knocking on the dashboard, turning off the headlights, and stepping on the brakes suddenly. When I got my first job, he gave me daily rides and would pretend to be falling asleep all the way there until I was a nervous wreck from it. Then he had the audacity to say I didn’t need to learn how to drive because women are terrible drivers. Hahaha.

  3. Peaceful says:

    I have experienced a few of these. The berating, circular conversations, ugh… the monologues…oh God, the monologues… Do they know how boring those monologues are? The cross examination, and mine liked to drink while driving until I insisted how crazy that was. Pretty much all of them accept the swerving and excessive speed stuff.

    HG, I simply can not imagine you doing any of those behaviors, because I see you as so helpful and kind to us.
    Peaceful

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am helpful to you, that is the purpose of the blog. Do not lose sight however of what I am – that will also help you.

      1. Mary says:

        This is what i find hard to understand and accept HG,
        and which has kept me away from your blog: your awareness of your own duplicity, which i believe you have the power to change, but will not.

      2. Mary says:

        How can you ” help” and hurt at the same time????
        why?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not help and hurt at the same time. I sometimes assist but only if it suits me. I hurt if it suits me. The Prime Aims are the targets, helping or hurting are just collateral consequences of achieving those aims. I can do one and then the other because that is what must be done and because I do not care about anybody else.

    2. Petals says:

      Peaceful-

      Oh Peaceful, you can’t imagine HG doing a monologue?! That’s basically what any blog post (by anyone, not just HG) IS-an uninterrupted monologue of one’s thoughts.

      You just don’t consider them monologues because he’s doing it on a topic you’re interested in.

      1. Peaceful says:

        Petals, you’ve got a point there. I suppose they are monologues. And I am interested. And I find them so well written and emotion evoking…

        HG, I will not lose sight. Thank you for the reminder.

  4. ava101 says:

    I guess I should be grateful that I never took a longer trip with my first boy-friend, the short drives were bad enough. But going on family holiday with my father driving was always horrible. That’s why I prefer to drive. And I kicked one guy out on the highway after 2 hours of his mind games (but unfortunately let him in again) and one in another town. Ex-narc did it all more subtly, getting grumpy and refusing to stop to get something to eat.

  5. Connie says:

    I was subjected to something like this. He was always a reckless driver. The brake thing he did many times with the kids in the back of a motor home.
    First day on our last holiday, my ex narc drove on the wrong side of the road on a winding mountain with me for about 7 mins, with me yelling at him to get on the right side. We missed one car by inches. He told me later on, after I refused to get in the car with him again, that he had done it on purpose to scare me. I had 2 beautiful kids at home! That’s when the wedding ring came off. I kicked him out after that holiday.

  6. 12345 says:

    Narc wanted me to drive. It was pure hell. I was trapped alright with a man who critiqued every single move I made while driving. He didn’t take his eyes off me but it wasn’t the good way. I was such a wreck by the time of our arrival I was ready to throw up. Next trip would come he would swear not to do it again. Then he would do it again and say I made him do it. A hard slap in the face would’ve been much faster, far less stressful and less painful.

  7. Lori says:

    It’s so interesting to read all of these articles and I fined myself still saying so often “I never thought of it that way, but this is so true.” My ex fiancé Narc LOVED road trips. I usually say if I have to sit in a car for more than 5-6 hours then I’m getting on a plane to get there. I can’t stand being confined like that. But he enjoyed and thought nothing of driving 6-7 hours visiting the destination for a couple of hours and then driving 6-7 hrs back home again – without staying overnight. We created different crazy road trip snacks and we would play words games and oftentimes have nice conversations and most of the time (when things were good) I would run my fingers gently through his hair – he was like a cat purring…
    …. but when we did argue, it was HELL. And I have gotten (semi-jumped) out of the car a few times at a stop sign or red light or two and found my own way home from there. Also banging on the inside of the car when I felt trapped and couldn’t get out… he would say not to hurt his car, thinking nothing of me and my bruised hands or arms. There was actually one time that I was driving and we had a huge fight and I wouldn’t let him out of the car! Sometimes I am amazed at how ridiculous and crazy I could get when I was with him.

  8. Miss Swain says:

    This happened to me…verbatim. Particularly the wreckless driving, with threats of crashing us into the central reservation at very high speeds. My daughter would scream and it still didn’t stop him from intimidating us. So relentless in his quest for utter control. I find it hard to write this – the shame I feel when reading it back that I even got in a car with him again after the first time it happened..It never ceases to amaze me that all narcs display identical behaviours…how is this possible HG?!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is not that at all narcissists display identical behaviours but that those behaviours mean that individual is a narcissist.

  9. Sophia says:

    My mom’s husband liked to push others into road rage mode, amongst the others on the list. I remember him cutting people off on purpose and hitting his brakes or revving the engine and then tapping bumpers. Then he would use his cell phone and report them as being road ragers. This was in the 90’s, so I’m sure he felt extra special with his dumb phone knowing the chances them having one was slim. He loved to just drive around to act a fool. Pathetic, really.

  10. Diva says:

    Anyone that has ever lived with an alcoholic narc will never let anyone drive them anywhere……I can not recall the last time anyone drove me anywhere……if I can’t drive there myself…..I don’t go……it’s that simple….Oh wait I do remember one such trip……it was a very short one….I vomited all over the place…..I didn’t get a speck of it on myself though!!!!! I don’t know if it was motion sickness or fear, but whatever it was, they never asked to take me for a drive again!!!!………Diva

  11. Scout says:

    I was subjected to 6, 12, 18. Judging by the horror I could have been subjected to based on HG’s list, my traveling experiences could have been so much worse. Looks like I got off lightly.

  12. I see you covered the “Tunnel Of Love” ride in “Flies On The Windscreen” perfectly!

  13. Noname says:

    In my country, you don’t need to be with a Narc in the car to experience the half of that list. Our guys drive like a maniacs, often yell at each other, often get off and beat each other.

    My driver was like a demon on the road and I lost a count how many teeth and eyes I had saved from his fists.

    That’s why I don’t have a driver’s license. Lol.

    But yes, I know how vulnerable it feels to be in the car with a man. We women are weaker than men physically and I, particularly, don’t have any strength to cause any pain even to a cat. So, if someone wanted to hurt me, I would be very easy “deal”.

    My driver was a good guy, I trusted him and I felt perfectly safe with him, but he died. I didn’t choose a new driver yet, so I ride with the random taxi drivers now and I always feel tense. They all don’t look and feel safe. But I have no choice (my husband can’t drive a car because of eyes problem).

    So yes, the car is a very powerful instrument of intimidation to any woman. Sad, because it is so nice just to sit and look through the window peacfully.

  14. HKGirl says:

    My ExH preferred that I drive everywhere we went. If he spoke to me at all, it was sexual or to berate/belittle me. If I was driving I couldn’t tune him out, put on headphones, stick my nose in a book or text friends.

    Usually though, he would say he had work to catch up on… then he’d play his stupid FB Pirates game. He might whip out a few emails, always switching screens if he thought I was looking.

    Once, when he started yelling at me on a busy freeway, I pulled over and calmly asked him to apologize. He screamed some more. I told him if he didn’t stop, I was getting out until he apologized.

    I thought I had the only set of keys with us.

    Wrong.

    As soon as I got out, he jumped in the drivers seat and drive off, without a backwards glance.

    I had to walk up the freeway to the off ramp and found myself in a very seedy part of town.

    Had I a mind to, I could have made quite a bit of money that evening, given the jobs I was offered by male passers by.

    He “ran some errands” then sent me a text asking if I was ready to apologize and if so, he’d come pick me up.

    Is he still a MidRange?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      This behaviour could apply to a Lesser or a Mid Range Narcissist as it is but one incident.

  15. Oddly, my narc used long car trips to love bomb and future fake me.He had my undivided attention, and would talk about how great it was when we were in the first golden period, and how great it would be to grow old together. We would move away from everybody and everything so that it would be just the 2 of us again, together against the world. In the later years, that scared and hurt, but I didn’t want to spoil the calm he was displaying.

    I never could understand why the world would be against us. I didn’t understand it was him against me, and he would do anything to keep me under his control.

    There was the occasional short car ride near home, though, where he would rage at me, drive fast , etc. Usually for some fuckup he created which I could not or would not fix for him. I would jump out of the car and make my way home, where we would give each other the silent treatment for a day or 2.

    He hated it when he was so sick, that I had to drive and had control of the vehicle on that last cross country trip. I think it was because he finally had to ASK to be taken where he wanted, instead of being able to say ” I’M going here and YOU’RE going with ME!”

    Even going to dinner with friends, he wanted to drive everybody. He also thought he was the BEST driver even with so many tickets. And the fender benders and running over our dog because he was too busy texting. Saved a ton on auto insurance after he died.LOL

  16. Patricia J says:

    All of this has happened to me. I tried both outcomes.I ran for help, and other times, I sat quietly not causing attention. The Narc still made me feel like I was a Russian Sky.

  17. Patrick says:

    OMG!! The car! So it’s not me then. I always felt trapped when driving with my NARC. She was/is brutal about her “besties”, her daughters and would criticize and insult me relentlessly in the car.

  18. Susan says:

    This trapped in a car aspect has happened so many times with my Narc B. He would rage at me about something that happened months before that he was at fault with. It’s funny how they all seem to do the same behaviors

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