Little Acons – No.12

THATNEVERHAPPENED

A series of memes which encapsulates the mind set of the narcissistic parent towards their child resulting in the creation of the Adult Child of a Narcissist.

14 thoughts on “Little Acons – No.12

  1. Lisa Oliver says:

    and it still happens in old age when even more irrational and crazy and even more likely to be believed due to their advanced years, never ending!

  2. Catherine says:

    Narc affair,

    thanks for telling me your story, our backgrounds are so similar. Except that I wasn’t the golden child, neither of my mother nor of my grandmother. My younger sister was. I think mostly because I was there first to abuse, my sister is also of a much tougher kind, she has a flaring temper, she isn’t that easily controlled and I was always way too sensitive for my own good.

    I don’t know the full story of my grandmother, probably nobody does. She surrounded herself with lies, clouded herself in mystery. But I don’t think the narcissistic trait started with her. It goes way back in her family. She was a golden child of her controlling father, she could do no wrong, she was stunningly beautiful and didn’t have a conventional life for a woman in those days. She was a talented painter, making art the centre of her whole life. There was constant drama around her, she used people around her horribly, moved people around like chess pieces, she was cruel and mean. And she knew what she was, she knew what she was doing. Manipulative to the core. She married my grandfather, who loved her intensely, for financial reasons, had my mother and her younger brother, always telling them they had destroyed her life because her art suffered from her having children. My uncle was the golden child there I guess, still he’s been in therapy his whole life healing from the repercussions of his childhood; my mother on the other hand forwarded the disorder into my childhood. I remember being completely terrified when left alone with my grandmother. When others were around she would play her game of the admired and beautiful artist, when with family members, or with me alone, the facade would invariably crack and the monster would show its ugly head. She was violent, she was all fake, she could smile sweetly one minute and start to accuse you the next. She played cruel and oh so scary games. She abused both her children, but mostly my mother, my grandfather and the poor man she married after him, she enslaved all those close to her. I always saw through her. And I still shiver even thinking about her.

    Sorry for the long answer. And I’m so sorry for what you have been through too. I’m trying to heal now, looking at it all through some sort of magnifying glass, I guess it’s about time. It helps to write about it.

  3. Just Me says:

    Often theses words are said by their enabler as well.

  4. PhoenixRising says:

    And that perfectly sums up my entire life.

  5. Heard this only a couple times from Granma narc, and once from my mom. But hubby used it a lot. I think he heard it a lot. Probably why I had a hard time trying to figure out what caused him to be the way he was. The siblings all have different stories of what happened and how. They say to each other,”that’s not what happened, it was like this…” And nobody budges.

  6. narc affair says:

    If there was ever an acon that fit my mother this is it! Even the picture reminds me of her in some respects. She is notorious for gaslighting me! Ill reminisce about something from my childhood and she says im mistaken it didnt happen that way. Basicaly treating me like an idiot. She tried to tell me i read my grandmothers eulogy which i didnt. Id gotten my uncle to read it for me. I wrote it but he read it bc i was extremely sad and im very shy public speaking. I asked my stepdad in another room and he was afraid to answer in fear of saying something opposite of my mother. He sided unknowingly with my answer. I think id know if i read a eulogy sheeshhhh. Its so frusterating and i know its gaslighting but it still is a nusance! Narcissists get worse with age.

    1. Catherine says:

      I can so relate to that narc affair. Basically my mother would have me believe everything I remember as pure fiction. I started doubting myself and my recollections early on. Of course you would remember not reading the eulogy, the crazy making of it all..
      It got me thinking of my grandmother and her eulogy. She was the grand narcissist in my family, full blown, heads on narcissist, a Greater if there ever was one, she abused me horribly as a child when she had the opportunity, and still strangely enough she was the one person I could really stand up to later in life. I couldn’t stand up to my mother, not my ex, but with my grandmother things were different. I was so scared of her, and I couldn’t ever put enough distance between us when I grew up. She hated me, she couldn’t control me. I broke all contact with her early on and was still by some ironic turn of events assigned to read her eulogy. It was a few years ago and to this day I still can’t figure out why I did it, probably to appease my mother. But there was some kind of poetic justice in it all. In a horrendous way. I’ve never been that scared of anyone in my life and there I was, having the final say. At last.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi catherine…first off sorry to hear you experienced that horrible abuse frkm your grandma. I too was terrified of my grandmother yet ironically she was my favorite family member. She took out her abuse mostly on my mother and i was her golden grandchild now the tables reversed where im the black sheep and my brothers the golden child in relation to my narc mother. I think she really resents the fact my grandmother quit drinking and was sober for 30 yrs bc of me. She to this day hates when i talk about anything to do with memories associated around my grandmother.
        I think the gaslighting is meant as a form of conflict. Their deep seeded anger rears its head in gaslighting but its also a form of power and getting us to agree with them. Not a chance. I know were not supposed to give negative fuel but i do stand up to her when she gaslights me and i tell her i know shes wrong and why.
        My grandmother was very loud and domineering and many family members were afraid of her. She tried strangling my mother as a child and luckily she was saved by my grandfather her stepdad.
        She did a lot of good but also a lot of damage by the abuse she inflicted on my mother. This is where i see the cycle and it helps to understand it better.
        Were you a black sheep/scapegoat to your grandma? Did she treat you mostly this way? Or others too?

      2. narc affair says:

        I find it interesting how some golden children grow up to be narcissists and some dont. For myself growing up my grandmother spoiled me rotten. She bought me bags upon bags of toys when id visit each summer. She would make my grandfather do things for me like stay up all night playing cards when he had to work. Altho i think he enjoyed doing it too. She would always look out for my interests and quite often would get into conflict with my mother over her dating or things that upset me. In a lot of ways i felt my grandmother was more my mother. Looking back now i see it partially for what it was…triangulation. she was trying to devalue my mother in her adoration of me. She was being the ideal grandmother to me in my mothers face while she had been a horrible mother to her. Its no wonder theres resentments towards me. I choose to keep my childhood memories close but im also more aware as an adult what was truely going on.
        I didnt become a narcissist despite being a golden grandchild. Its just not in me.

      3. narc affair says:

        As i became an adult and developed my own personality i could see under her mask a bit more. She gave me the silent treatment for months for eloping and not marrying in a catholic church. She was very upset over this. She professed herself to be a devout catholic yet rarely went to church and used the f word continually along with other choice words. She would cut people to the core with her mean words and hold onto grudges for years. I think as a child i was easily mouldable and could be one of her chess pieces but as i became an adult that changed. She eventually latched on to her deceased sisters young grandaughter and again triangulated her with my mother. My mother grew a strong hatred for this girl and i could not understand why as it was a favorite cousins daughter. She felt threatened and envious of her. Age not being a factor. Abuse is an ongoing cycle til you understand it and jump out of the loop.

  7. Petals says:

    This is an interesting one to say the least. A multitude of these, both from within and from without, is why memories of my childhood are so blurry and fragmented and unclear. Even what I do remember…I’ve had dreams that have felt more real.

    Forgetting was the best decision I ever made. Once unbound to “the truth,” you can create any truth, any narrative, you want. You want to have been the apple of your father’s eye? Well, narrate that. You wanted 1st place in that competition instead of 3rd? Narrate that. You want all the things they said to you erased from your brain? Well, it’s harder to totally erase those, but that wasn’t YOU, it was so-and-so.

    And all those things that you just want to have never existed? They never happened. Say it. And say it again. Say it, think it, write it. Do that until it’s true. And God help anyone who dares to contradict your truth. (FYI, that’s just an expression. God won’t help them any more than he did you.)

    And if you refuse to acknowledge an event occurred at all, what trouble can its echo be to you?

  8. 12345 says:

    Love this one. The self righteous indignant cry of every narcissistic parent.

  9. Windstorm2 says:

    Oooh! This one irritated me more than anything! My mother and her family of midrangers used this all the time. At least my exhusband never said it. He’d say some insidious, twisted question that I could argue with like,
    “Really? I don’t remember it that way. Are you sure you have your facts straight? Maybe you’re thinking of another time?”

    There was no debating with my mother and her family. They’d just say, “That never happened.” and then go into a present silent treatment. As I grew older I equated this ridiculous behavior with being too immature to admit when they were wrong. I still equate all negative, didactic statements as signs of stupidity.

  10. Cathrine says:

    Oh, yes! My mother’s favourite phrase. According to her nothing ever happened.

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