The Stare
The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.
Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.
- The Stare in Seduction
It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.
At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.
Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by knowing that to stare at you for an unconventional length of time would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.
The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU.
- The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality
In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.
If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.
This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.
- The Stare in Devaluation: Malice
This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.
This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the ink darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.
You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.
The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.
- The Stare in the Discard
This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The shame we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.
- The Stare in the Hoover
The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.
Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.
The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.
52 thoughts on “The Stare”
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I have a particular stare which I find very useful. During my rare grocery shopping trips at the store some children are incredibly noisy so when the mother is not looking I give them a stare and they shut up fast. My the time she turns her gaze in confusion m to me I have mastered the biggest smile encountering her. The kid is still mouth agasp in his cart. Now we all have peace and quite in the aisle. That is a stare I learnt growing up from various adults. If the stare on the rare occasion gets in the way during flirting then it must be managed correctly.
Come join us Sniglet.
HG
That response to Sniglet was so funny I snorted. Not good because Im currently sick with some cold or flu hell. Would you be a dear and bring me a cup of tea?
Hg? Hg?……..
Look to see who that is burning rubber and peeling out of the driveway!!!!!
Hg?…………
Ask the butler NA.
NA – HG’s butler got lost. My chambermaid is on her way to care for you. Be careful, she is a little crazy and overzealous.
Sniglet
Dont tease, she sounds just my type.
No! Stay on the light side!
Oh there is plenty of light here Sniglet, look how golden it is.
ABW just wait and I’ll send for you in good time. I’m at the pearly gates. HG, lead the way.
Sniglel,
Haha !
Your comment about the stare made me laugh coz I do the very same thing to misbehaving children sometimes ( even though I have two of my own).
It amuses me how they suddenly get quiet and end up sucking their thumbs while holding mummy’s hand !
Reading these comments has brought up an old, old memory of back when I was 16 and first with my future husband. My girlfriends had told me that if you really looked deep into a persons eyes you could see their soul. That if you looked into a boys eyes you could see all his love for you.
Naturally I tried this out on my boyfriend. When I looked deep into his eyes, there was literally nothing. Nothing but emptiness. Certainly no love or even affection. When I looked AT his eyes, there was only shape and color and my own reflection.
I tried to look into various family members eyes for comparison, but I just got a creepy empty feeling that didn’t match their words or tone, or they became angry and refused to look at me (of course now I know they were narcs too).
When I tried looking into my girlfriends eyes, I could feel excitement and various emotions, but I thought that was more from their projecting their emotions at me than any “soul seeing.” I often feel projected emotions from anyone near me.
I came away from this mini experiment thinking that girls just imagine what they want and believe it to be true. Even as women, we still do this way too often.
Although, the eyes are connected to a brain directly (they have the same precursor stem cells in the embryogenesis) and they can reflect some brain processes, it is not effective to rely on their expression solely.
You have to turn your other “senses” on and compare what you do see with what you do “sense”.
“Why when I look in his “warm, loving and smiling eyes”, I feel the coldness…”.
“Why her eyes are so full of “world”, but I sense the emptiness…”.
That’s a clue, Windstorm.
Took me 20 years, but I learned to meet his black eyed stare with calm amusement, a slight smile, and laughing eyes. Pissed him off something fierce so he upped the game and his tactics. Even when you think you are winning… you are not.
The stare which affected me the most was the pure evil eyes gone black stare he loved to give me during church. I don’t understand why I always got that look from across the pews, but I did. After service, he would be back to hugging me and telling me he loved me and loved me more. But that black eyed stare…I caught a glimpse of the devil himself in there.
HG
During a first encounter with who I now identify as a Mid, he said hello and then stared for several seconds not speaking (downloading my data lol). I returned the stare and he broke first by shaking his head and saying: im sorry-Im staring. I responded with a smile: yes you were. Then he asked to kiss me.
Is this just ploy a Mid would use to seem less intimidating and he changed tactic when I didnt look away? I would assume that a Greater would never break first.
You are correct.
A big “yes” on #1…first time he walked by me and our eyes locked. I felt like he was looking through me — unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It startled me, but I couldn’t look away. I thought it was romantic at the time. Now I look at it like a solar eclipse: LOOK AWAY BEFORE YOU BURST INTO FLAMES, YOU FOOLISH GIRL!
Ok, maybe not *that* bad… but it’s no longer romantic, at all.
I have been through all the stages and can honestly say, I have never seen anything other than the Seduction Stare. My N suffered multiple horrific traumas while we were together. (One was that his brother was gruesomely murdered.) I wonder sometimes if my N BECAME an N while he was with me and just… sunk into it so deep, he could never get out again… (I’d appreciate your thoughts, HG.)
HG, it seems to me that you don’t usually answer our questions about the stare. Is it because your article is all we need? I’m still confused. Even though I’ve never seen a stare of malice or hatred from him, the empty soul look to me was extremely scary because of seeing nothing inside him. Also because there was no emotion on his face. It was a different type of trance from the one when I met him and it can’t be described how affected I was by his eyes and smile…seduced totally. I’m very spiritual and to see no evidence of anything inside him was devastating. I don’t understand why he would let anyone see it. My smile has been almost completely broken since it happened. Thank you if you can give me anything to help. I do understand your article but it’s the “why” that I need to know. Does he not think I’d tell anyone, which I haven’t. No one would believe me unless they have been there themselves. I don’t even know why I should care. Black eyes would be creepy enough but seeing the void through two empty eye holes is freaking me out for a month and a half.
There are those that cannot help but let you see it when a certain situation arises. There are others who want you to see it in order to draw fuel and exert control over you.
Thank you, HG. Please write a further article about black eyes and empty eyes. As I said, I’ve seen his eyes darken from light blue to almost brown before. I’m still shocked at what I saw as if it just now happened. I just don’t know what is to become of him but I will stay away.
Oh yes, once seen, that stare can never be forgotten! As he (narcissist), walked away, I also saw an aura of black steam faintly surrounding him. I was shocked to the core, and to this day believe I looked into the abyss of pure evil. Sorry Mr Tudor, but I do wonder about such things as alien possession.? And that psychopathy, narcissism isn’t just a mental health disorder but also a spiritual disorder.
I am not a spiritual or religious person in the slightest… however, Narcsboreme, I have wondered the same thing…
-narcsboreme
You literally saw black steam?
Someone else was saying how their narcissist thought they were a reptilllian and had weird teeth and spines on their skull or something also.
you didnt see his tongue flicking out like a reptillian did you?
Yes, I saw faint black steam/smoke! You gotta see that blackness in them to believe it. I would, in hindsight, rather have shacked up with Godzilla than this narc. Lesson learnt. By the way, I like reptiles.
I swear my N resembled a twisted horrible insect the last time I saw him. I genuinely mean that he had the appearance of a creature to me. He looked… contorted and un-human to me. It actually scared me.
‘This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.’
That’s what i have seen in his eyes when he approached me in a bar last week…
There was no hate as when i have been told of my discard. He looked at me as at someone who wounded him badly. It made me self doubting myself again since then … It made me think that maybe really I am the problem and that it was all my fault…😔
I am fighting my emotional thinking.. I really am.
ABW
Both he and your mind are conning you. You will see hate soon enough if you give an inch. Stay no contact. Please?
Definately a Narcissist. He has shown you what his true self is, why doubt yourself and think that you were the problem in the relationship. You were not he was the problem, and if you resume your relationship with him this time around it will be much worse than before. Are you ready and prepared to tackle his arsenal of weapons to defeat and claim you as his victim? Please remember that he is a Narcissist and you can not change him, because he likes who he is and the fuel he gets from others. His objective is not you, but your fuel. Remember, you are not the only primary or secondary fuel source inregard to intimate relations, but he has other women partners beside yourself. His loyality and fidelity to you and the other women is zero. Please if you see him again anywhere say nothing, because that will give him fuel and walk quickly away. Avoid him at all costs, because to him you are an appliance and that is it. Please disconnect from him and go no contact. Take care of yourself and do the healthy thing, stay away from him at all costs. If you return you can not blame him but yourself for the dynamic and outcome of the relationship. Good luck to you and stay strong.
Peppi & NA,
Thank you for your comments.
We made an eye contact so running away wasn’t the best option but I think i handled this well. We kept it sweet and short. He was very civil, respectful. He just said ‘Hello, how are you ? … then he asked who am I with ( I was with my girlfriends and he was with some guys). He offered me a drink which I politely declined (although he bought me one anyway ).He warmly used my name when asked about my job. He told me about his promotion so I said that I knew he will do well ( shouldn’t said that but it’s true). He asked few times how was I doing so I just said ‘ great’.
I didn’t chased him and he didn’t chased me after that.
Only before he left he passed by me and said some kind of bye while touching my shoulder which felt weird…
Seeing him messed up with my head and made me realize that I still have some feelings for him and I’m fooling myself to think otherwise.He still affects me which means he still have some control over me.
He never made any attempts to contact me in the last 14 months. I guess he is busy elsewhere ( there is no IPPS , most likely IPSS) or maybe my fuel was s**t .
I know that the risk always remains and so I am determinated to stay no contact. I’m very stubborn. Strength .No weakness.
I’m just overthinking everything right now.
Can you tell?
Thank you again for your kind words.
At our first ever encounter, when I walked up to meet him, mid-narc lion literally stumbled & almost fell over when we made eye contact.
Later, he would often refer to how he nearly fell to the floor bc of my effect on him..
Is it any wonder we fall for this BS?
I did tell him I had a hard time believing that.. That was faked.. right?
HG, have you pulled similar stunts in seduction? Care to share your favorite seduction moment?
It was either faked or he used the stumble to reinforce the lie of the words.
ABW,
(didn’t mean for my previous post as a response to you)
Absolutely not your fault.
You’re doing quite well – you recognized your emotional reaction, & dealt w the situation as best you can (you don’t have to go back there, right? to avoid meeting him again?)
Reinforce NA & Brian – stay strong – you can handle this – you deserve better 😊
Nuit Etoilèe,
You say all the right things and thank you, I appreciate that as I really need to hear it right now even though you don’t know much about me.
The feeling of being rejected, of being a failure, ‘ifs’ and ‘ maybes ‘ are killing me.
What if i was wrong about him? What if my perception of what happened was inaccurate? What if i was too quick to make assumptions? What if he’s not a narcissist? What if we have collided and we both are? Maybe i am the one to blame? Things ‘ I should have said and done but never took the time…’
I know this kind of thinking will take me back to square one…
Well, the bottom line is he doesn’t want me and this reason alone should be enough to move on and not to give it a second thought . Should be.
It is more than enough.
However, your ET is not allowing you to, ABW, as evidence through the various questions you pose which are typical and common.
Thank you Mr Tudor.
We’ve all been there, ABW – none of it would make it better. He is broken – not you (well for you it can be temporary & if you are it was caused by him!)
They are so seductive. Guard your heart. You are precious & deserve your love and kindness to be returned – that helped me when I would sit & try to find something good I got out of our entanglement – as everyone says, it’s not mutual.. it’s one-sided.. not reciprocal.. And btw… he’s not thinking any of this..
You can get through this. I know it hurts.
((Hugs))
keep up the good fight
Thanks Brian .🙂
ABW,
You wrote: “Well, the bottom line is he doesn’t want me and this reason alone should be enough to move on and not to give it a second thought . Should be.”
Would it help you turning the tables around? I felt at the beginning stuck on these thoughts: what if he..That is what keeps you from moving forward..
Could you try thinking the other way around? What do you need? What do you
want ? How did you feel when you were with him? I suppose that you did not feel all right that is why you are here..That’s the only thing that matters..Remember:
it is all about you now …not about him..
Best wishes…
Superxena,
The problem is all my life I was tough to believe that what I want and what i need does not matter and it would be selfish of me to think otherwise. Recent ex said that only towards my children i am not selfish but that’s just an instinct.
But you’re right. Being able to concentrate more on myself and my needs is what i enjoy most about being single right now.
My emotional thinking makes me find excuses for his behaviour and take at least some responsibility for it.
This is what my battle is about.
At least , thanks to this blog i am able now to recognise those issues which puts me in much better position.
Abrokenwing
I spent decades of my life from birth believing I was totally spoiled and selfish because I’d been told it so many times. I got to the point you describe in my 30’s, where I felt it was wrong to ever want anything for myself and that I had to always fulfill everyone else’s needs, but never my own. My husband used to say also that I was a great mother, but other than that – a “spoiled prima donna bitch.”
It was my FIL who explained to me that all those times in my entire life I’d been brought to tears and depression when I was called selfish – that that was all projection. Both my mother and my husband were projecting their own selfishness on me to make themselves feel better and to manipulate and control me.
I didn’t want to believe him at first, but he’d known me since 16 and began giving one after another examples of how I was NOT selfish. He made me start a list of when they would call me selfish, what it was about, then examine it logically. If anyone else behaved like I had, would it be selfish? How did my husband and mother act in those same situations? We’re they unselfish and more giving/considerate than me?
I think your situation sounds a lot like mine. When I examined the evidence, I was definitely not a selfish person – but they were. I bet you’re not selfish either. You’re just beaten down by narc manipulation. I began learning how to spot projection when they would use it on me and you can too.
Mother’s often take care of their children, but not themselves. We have both a right and responsibility to do the things for ourselves that we need and that bring us happiness. We need to do this for our children as well as our selves. If we are not in good mental/physical shape, we can’t do as well caring for those we love who depend on us.
I don’t know if you fly, but before the plane takes off the flight attendant always goes thru emergency procedures. They always say if you are traveling with children, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then on your children. They have to tell mothers that because our instinct is to put the masks on all our children first, then we may pass out before seeing to our own needs, then the children have no one to take care of them.
We mothers are often like that in all aspects of life. We think it’s selfish to do the things we need when others have needs as well that we could take care of. But we have to take care of ourselves first, so we will be able to care for others. It is not selfish – it is our responsibility.
Sorry this was so long. You touched a nerve with me. I can feel my former self in your words. HG can probably feel the fuel fountaining out of me right now! 😄
ABW,
I understand what you mean, learned behaviours are sometimes difficult to change or adapt. I think you have come far by identifying your battle.
By saying that being able to concentrate more on yourself and your needs is what you enjoy most about being single right now is a great advancement! Geniune,deep,longlasting changes or adaptations in behaviour take time and a lot of training…be patient and take grip of the belief that you can do it!
Sent from my iPad
Windstorm,
Thank you for your comment.
I wasn’t spoiled, far from that … I was tough to not expect anything but what you say about always fulfilling everybody else’s needs resonates with me .
Children were the reason i had to find strength and seek help ( as much as I hate it) when i wasn’t in the right place which eventually led me here.
I’m so grateful for the opportunity to chat about our experiences here. My real life friends don’t want to hear his name. They view me as a strong person and they don’t understand how this relationship
could affect me so much.
I feel better now. Thank you all!
That stare is like a dance in the mind… as if he is using more mindfuckery ….
This is a post I have truly studied. I really only experienced the first two, having yet to live through the other stages (which with your help I will hopefully avoid)…
… but when we first met, I was indeed staring, myself, intent on trying to read his intent, his thoughts… we held our gaze for a long time, but I never could decide what I saw.. I think he intended seduction, but I was frightened by the intensity – being our first meeting…
Some weeks later, this time my searching gaze was met w the blank stare – he even put up a hand to block my own penetrating gaze.. This was the telling moment when I said “I just wish you were honest w me” and he snickered and nearly rolled his eyes before he caught himself..
On occasions when he was annoyed, I caught flashes of his anger (fury?) .. and I’m glad I never saw him in full devaluation mode (I hope I never will)
I love the way you descibe this, HG – are your eyes blue?
They are. Save when they go black.
I’ve seen the narcs eyes turn a black. It’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. Left me wondering what comes next…
Hg have you ever written anything about how narc eyes go black? That would be a fascinating blog post.
Not yet Ashely.
Staring contest damn it! Lol