You Should


What is the prevailing mind-set of the Mid Range Narcissist? What is going through the mind of the member of the largest school of narcissism when an appliance has been treacherous and disloyal? Does he manifest the malice that is exhibited by the Greater school or is his response different? What is he thinking when there is treason committed in the Kingdom of Mid-Range? Whether the appliance has escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Mid-Ranger’s mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he or she believes.

You should not have done that to me. You should be thankful for who I am. You should be giving thanks to whichever god you follow that you have someone like me in your life, someone who cares, someone who is considerate, someone who only wants the best for you. You should be ashamed of the way you have treated me. You should apologise this instant. You should say sorry to me for the way you have behaved. You should treat others the way you want to be treated and not going around behaving like you are something special. You should realise I am something special and you keep treating me terribly. You should understand that I am a good, honest and decent person and not everybody would put up with your hysterical outbursts. You should know how hard it is to love somebody like you, but I do. You should be grateful for that.

You should know who you are messing with. You should be wary of getting on the wrong side of me you know. You should make sure you keep me happy because you will not like me when I am not happy. You should be looking out for me and not gadding around after other people. You should learn what your priorities are. You should spend more time with me. You should know when to leave me alone. You should be here and doing what I want. You should try giving for once rather than doing all of this taking.

You should be more aware of the way that you treat people and especially me. You should think more about how your actions impact on me. You should take my feelings into account and stop being so selfish. You should realise just what you do hurts me. You should understand that the things you say and do to me have consequences. You should stop making it all about you and let me have a say from time to time. You should stop being so obsessed with your friends’ lives and think about our lives together. You should spend less time with your family, they do not appreciate you in the way I do.

You should stop telling lies about me. You should get your own house in order before you start telling me how I should lead my life. You shouldn’t live in a glass house you know and throw stones. You should stop being such a nasty person to someone who has only ever been good to you. You should stop smearing my name to other people. You should take a look in the mirror. You should take a good look in the mirror actually.

You should stop putting me down. You should do what I want for a change. You should come back and apologise, I am a reasonable person and you should recognise that. You should make things right again because after all this is all your fault. You should stop fighting with me, I do not know why you have to do this. You should stop trying to tie me in knots. You should be more considerate. You should think about me more. You should sort this mess out because you are the only one who has caused it.

You should see how hard I have been trying for us. You should recognise a good person when you see one. You should know I have made the changes you demanded but you should be making some of your own as well. You should realise just how much I have tried for you and me.

You should know what other people say about you. You should realise that I put up with people saying bad things about you and you should be grateful I defend you to them, but I won’t keep doing it forever. You should realise you are not as popular as you think you are. You should be aware that I am a popular person and you won’t come out of this looking good at all.

You shouldn’t treat me like this. You shouldn’t destroy what I have built. You should recognise a good person, an honest person, a truthful person like me. You should learn just what you have lost by behaving like this. You should see just how many people hold me in high regard. You should be so happy to have someone like me, someone who people think well of and they do, just ask anybody and they will tell you. You should take the time to realise that I am a good person and consider what you are doing to me, to us, to what we have.

You should stop hurting me. You should stop getting a kick out of this horrible treatment of me. You should stop being mean to someone who loves you. You should help me. You should love me more. You should show me that you mean it. You should stop with the pretence. You should be genuine like me. You should stop playing the games. You should be the person that would make your grandmother proud. You should be the best person you can be for me.

You should get some help. You should see someone. You should go to therapy. You should sort these problems out. You should stop blaming me. You should stop projecting your problems and insecurities on to me. You should stop the game-playing, I am cleverer than you so I see straight through it. You should tell the truth for once You should stop making up stories about me. You should reflect on what you do. You should get some insight into what you are actually doing. You should shut up and listen to me for once. You should go and see the doctor. You should take your medication. You should stop being such a borderline. You should stop being such an attention-seeker. You should stop dodging the issue. You should address your issues.

You should let me speak. You should give me a chance to make things right again. You should come back because you owe me. You should let me show you what I can do. You should understand sometimes I don’t know what comes over me. You should make allowances for my behaviour because you are worse. You should not focus on the handful of supposedly bad things I do when I do way more good things. You should listen to why I do those things because if you did you would realise there is always a very good reason behind it. You should understand I have to disappear once in a while because your behaviour becomes too much. You should understand I am not sulking, I am just being quiet. You should accept I have to tell people about the way you behave because otherwise I would go mental. You should think about the names I call you and realise I am actually trying to help you because otherwise you will not listen. You should stop trying to blame me for everything that goes wrong and instead be grateful for what I do for you.

You should give it a rest now because you are giving me a headache. You should go and let me rest because I have been working hard all day. You should rub my back. You should make me something to eat. You should be there when I come home. You should stay out of my way when I am fed up of you. You should ask me how I am and not keep telling me about what you want. You should stop telling me how I should behave. You should see what I have to deal with. You should try being me. You should understand how much pain I am in from my back and not complain about your own supposed ailments. You should show some consideration for me now and again. You should get off your high horse. You should give it a rest. You should try walking in my shoes. You should try being me for a day. You should look at it from my point of view. You should make allowances. You should be more tolerant.

You should do it because you want to. You should do it for us. You should have more faith. You should have more discipline. You should have more resolve. You should let me in. You should keep out. You should learn when to speak. You should learn when to stay quiet. You should be seen and not heard. You should follow me. You should watch what I do . You should learn from an expert. You should stick with me. You should be mine. You should stay away from him. You should not speak to them. You should know what is best for you. You should know home is where the heart is. You should know where you bread is buttered. You should know how lucky you are to have me.

You should come back.

You should because I say so.

You just should.

61 thoughts on “You Should

  1. Tappan Zee says:

    So, HG, he does not see the incongruity/ disconnect between his “loving” words and his “unloving” behavior?

    ^ WAIT/WHAT??? MR think it’s love?!!

    1. gabbanzobean says:

      Tappan Zee…

      “I love my wife so much but I am so ashamed and guilt ridden because I cannot be faithful to her”

      I love my wife so much = loving words
      Continuing to have sex with me (after repeatedly saying he won’t) = contradictory behavior toward me and unloving behavior toward her.

      His excuse?

      “I express my affections deeply and having sex is a way of that expression”

      = I fuck anything that smiles at me.

      Where is Dr. HQ? She loves to translate the shit my piano recital turd says. HQ…. did I translate all of that right?

      (insert eye roll emoji here)

    2. gabbanzobean says:

      P.S. Sorry that translation should have said….I fuck anything that smiles at me. And if I like the way it reacts to me fucking it, I will want to fuck it more!

  2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    You should…never start a sentence with me by saying “you should”

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You should settle down and be quiet.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        You should know I will never settle down and I will NEVER be quiet.

  3. Daniela says:

    Do midrangers grow up knowing they don’t feel the same way as others do or do they think everyone else is faking? Every mid rangers I have ever met is paranoid and doesn’t trust anyone.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      All narcissists are paranoid Daniela and with good reason. MRs don’t tend to think they feel differently, even though they do, indeed they are somewhat obsessed with showing that they are just like everyone else.

    2. gabbanzobean says:

      Yeah I agree with this. My mid-ranger actually believes he loves his wife. (EYE ROLL)

      I hate to quote a Taylor Swift song but…. “The saddest truth, comes creeping in, that you never loved me or her or anyone or anything…”

      1. HG Tudor says:

        So, if you understand that, why do you keep engaging with him?

        1. gabbanzobean says:

          Jenna posted a long winded explanation of why she has not given up on her narc yet. A bunch of what she wrote can be applied to how I feel as I feel similarly. I am having a hard time letting go.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            He is a narcissist. He is highly unlikely to leave his wife and be with you. If he did, he will cheat on you and leave you for someone else. You will not change him.

            Stop making excuses. Go no contact – that will start to make it easier because you will be less affected because you will not be leaving the door open for hoovers.

          2. J says:

            @gabbanzobean If you cannot go NC yet, start cutting the tentacles that bind you to him at least. Unfriend mutual friends, install drunk dial so your responses to him get progressively slower, start removing emoji or passionate punctuation from texts (less fuel). Maybe you can’t go NC yet. I believe it, but can you unfriend just ONE mutual friend today. Sure you can 🙂 Just don’t think about where it leads and you can do it.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            Fair observation.

  4. Caroline says:

    What if the narcissist’s “inner voice” feels more like the “I WANT” Greater, but the “Mid-Ranger Five Facts” seems to also hit the mark…likely he’s an UMR?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed – the UMR would be thinking along the lines of I want but lacks the necessary elements to accomplish the outcomes described.

      1. Caroline says:

        Makes sense. Thank you, HG.

        This explains why he once exasperatedly told me “Nothing works with you.” (lol). I felt like I was practically predicting what was coming next with him…and that he sensed this and was feeling stymied. What a weird dynamic! I know I can’t understand everything, but it really helps to get a handle on this aspect. I hope this means he will no longer try to mess with This Little Empath.:-)

  5. Cordelia says:

    As my therapist used to say, “stop shoulding yourself.”

    You have to say it out loud a little quickly to get the joke.

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Cordelia says:

        I think it needs the american accent. sh*tting.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Gotcha – I was close.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


  6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    My brain would shut down the second my ex would start a sentence with “you should.”

    He was often telling me how I should feel, how I should behave, how I should think.

    Just because you tell me how I should feel (according to your mindset and what works for you) doesn’t mean I will that way.

    Irritating and stupid.

    It was if I was talking to a wall.

    Soooooooo I just stopped talking to him about 98 percent of the things going on in my life. The result was he had no idea what I was doing.

    Stupid but hilarious because they are so blind.

    1. Sophia says:

      Talking to a wall is less frustrating, I imagine. Lol

  7. Catherine says:

    Wow, what an exhausting way to approach life and interaction with anyone. Even though my narc was passive aggressive and used silent treatments a lot, I know now that he was not a Mid-Ranger at least. I don’t recognise this kind of whining and downright demanding behaviour at all. I guess mine was a Lesser, (can’t wait for the thoughts of a Lesser HG), but with some of the evil, scheming awareness of a Greater at times.

  8. Tappan Zee says:

    Reading that made my stomach knot up. I am in knots now with a boss like this. GOSO NC with my ex. But now need to with my boss. I. Just. Can’t.

  9. Mrs Linton says:

    This post is such a gift to me at this time, as I am waiting for the backlash in whatver form that might be. My ex expected me to do the jobs essentially that I paid him to do, my going rate was higher in an hour and a half of overtime than his was in a day but still as a woman it was my position in life to be ordered around and know my place. The photo is also suitably hideous and makes me feel sick. Thank you HG for the continued awakenings.

  10. angela says:

    i must be go out of you for ever!!
    I did it..!
    Now i am myself again…😍😍

  11. Mona says:

    That could be also the accusations of someone who can not realise that a special form of relationship is over. The disappointment about the other person who is not the person which he/she was or has to be in the fantasy of the accusing person.

    On the other hand it is a huge amount of accusations, reproaches, demands nearly always combined with the approach: ” I am better than you.” and : ” I have the right to tell you, how you have to be.” “I am the one who has to be in the focus of your interest.”

    No, I was not right. It is what a mother/father says to her child, when he/ she does not want to realise that the child is becoming an adult and that the child (young man or woman) is allowed to make own decisions. He/she still tries to dominate the other one, not accepting, that the other one is entitled to be himself/herself. He/she does not even have a thought that the other one could be equal to have the same rights or could be right in any way.

    Rebukes, rebukes, rebukes. She/he does not consider that there are different possibilities to live a life. She/he does not consider that the other one could be a good one, she/he is the only good one at this place
    No one else.

    If this happens in a relationship between two “loving” adults then it is the end of the relationship. If a woman does behave like that to her husband, he is only another child for her. And then he does not feel like a man at all. And if he does not feel like a man…. he finds other ways for appreciation..

  12. Ben says:

    Hg if mid rangers don’t know they are narcissists why do they not trust others? My ex girlfriend had no idea what she or her mother were yet she always had trust issues when it came to me and everyone else. It seems weird to me that although she doesn’t seem to know she was abused she still was damaged via her lack of ability to trust. She once told me the only person she completely trusts is her mother.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Innate paranoia.

  13. Findinglife11 says:

    You should keep writing. It is revolutionary. A win-win.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you. I shall.

  14. Paula Sarno says:

    Ufffffff !!!! Unbelievable boring !!!!

  15. Just Me says:

    So what do you get when you cross this “You Should” mind set with malice, a sadistic streak, and some awareness? I thought I had it figured out but now I am confused.

  16. Sophia says:

    yes! The king of “you should’ve, you shouldn’t, and you should.” Never “you should” a you should-er. Lol

  17. Medusa says:

    thanks HG, now I clearly see that I was 5 years with a narcissistic mid-range … I am very exhausted!

  18. Kimi says:

    “…You should stop being mean to someone who loves you….”


    I understand the MidRanger does not know what he is and that his love is a created reflective illusion. However, does the MR believe that he does truly love his Primary and others?

    Great article written from the Narc’s perspective!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He does.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        So, HG, he does not see the incongruity/ disconnect between his “loving” words and his “unloving” behavior?

        1. HG Tudor says:


      2. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thanks so much, HG! This explains a lot as unbelievable as it is!

      3. gabbanzobean says:

        My reply was for Kimi but it is showing up out of order….it was my reply to her question of “does the mid range believe he loves his primary source and others”…

  19. J says:

    To a T.

  20. gabbanzobean says:

    Great list of the the mid range mindset. You forgot… “You should have lots of sex with me. You should NOT have any sex with me.”

    LOL. Always trying to find the humor as much as it hurts.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      That’s the way to be! Humor heals so much. You’ve really brightened my time here in Kansas. Now evertime my grandchildren are difficult and I start getting stressed, I just think 42. 😄

      1. gabbanzobean says:

        At least I am good for something! 😉
        I kid, I kid.

    2. Mrs Linton says:

      Hello Gab, hope you are feeling a little better than yesterday. It’s clearer when you reclaim your body HG will see you through Om convinced. We are all rooting for you.

    3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      My ex and my first psychopath used to play that shit with me. I certainly understand how easy it is to get sucked into and confused by those opposing messages – especially when you are emotionally involved.

      A lot of times they will throw a text to feel you out – like something sexual or something about hanging out yet never come through. The point is just to see if you will bite. If you bite they don’t have to come through…and I’ve found plenty f times they don’t; however if you ignore or say you can’t hang out or whatever they pursue.

      1. Mrs Linton says:

        Hello Dr HQ it’s fascinating isn’t it? I still get crappy tips over email about how to hook a guy. All based on text teasing and pursuit. I used to think if I just paid for a few pdfs I could cure all my ills. What a lot of trite compared to the work here. I don’t want to be pursued by a Narc I can honestly say now that I just want a true friend who gets me, I know people say that, and it’s not what they mean. I have not meant it, but I swear I mean it now. Tell me what’s your Narc story right now?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          All information about how you can hook a guy (or girl) should be ignored.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Mrs. linton,

        My current narc situation is there is no narc situation. Narcissists irritate me. I generally have very little patience for them these days. I do however deal with plenty of sociopaths and psychopaths lol.

        I still attract plenty though. What about you?

    4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

      I mean don’t get me wrong sometimes they come through… but I’ve found they usually just wanna see if you will bite and that’s enough to keep them satisfied.

      1. So true.

      2. DebbieWolf says:

        I agree with that DHQ
        Ive had instances in the past where
        whenever i agreed to ‘whatever’ it was..they didnt go through with it…. it was just control.

        Once you know about it you can drip feed them..get em off your back and get away while they are looking the other way.

      3. Mercy says:

        This is true. There are times he will say “let’s hang later” I say “ok let’s do it” I say ok even if I don’t want to. Then the time will come to hang out and I’m thinking “please don’t text, I’m tired ” and he doesn’t. He blows me off or something comes up….i still get pissed. It’s like I only agree to see if he will follow through.

  21. An_eternal_student says:

    That is exactly what his energy used to express all the time. He wouldn’t say it but it was in his demeanor telling me it’s what he wanted and what I “should” be doing.

    I would do each and every one of these things if any of it would make a difference.

    Once I read to the end of the article I felt compelled to begin again ..his mantra is this entire page.

    It truly does help to understand.

  22. Nina says:

    This article describes my ex MRN perfectly. I have never in my life been so exhausted each and every time we were together. He literally drained me, emotionally, mentally and physically. He was like an infant in constant need of a bottle. Between the passive aggressiveness, pity plays (when I tried to establish boundaries) and silent treatments, I remained in a prolonged state of fatigue. It’s like he sucked the life out of me. It’s been 11 months of NC and I’m still trying to get my energy back.

  23. Mercy says:

    Whooo ok there is my narc. Mid range for sure. Thanks for clearing that up HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  24. Windstorm2 says:

    Ha, ha, ha, ha!! Very accurate. And so close to the truth! They just need to change the pronoun!

    I hadn’t realized that Jesus spoke directly to midrangers in the Bible. You know, the verse about stop trying to pick the speck out of your brother’s eye when there’s a beam in your own.

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