Something That Rings True



One of the ways that enables us to succeed with our manipulations is the ability to do or say something that rings true. Take for instance when we commence our seduction and we tell you that we have been in love with you for several years but never felt able to tell you until now. What happens when something like that is said?

  1. You are taken aback that someone tells you this out of the blue;
  2. It feels good however because to be told that someone loves you, appeals to a person’s desire to be loved and especially so with an empathic individual who is a love devotee;
  3. The concept of somebody loving you silently and from afar also accords with an idea of romance;
  4. It is a surprise, but a pleasant one, an exciting one which has grabbed your interest.

Some people may be bowled over already because of these things. Their desire to be loved and probably their need to be loved arising out of the damage they have suffered at some point, causes them to embrace this announcement of love with enthusiasm and more to the point, to soon fall in love with the person who has made the announcement.

Some people may be delighted by this sudden declaration, but they query how this might be so. They do not ask the person, they do not wish to be impolite or they do not wish to run the risk of losing this new love, how this has come about. No, instead they consider how this might come to be the case.

“Well, we have known each other since we were at school.”

“Her parents and my parents have always been good friends and kept in touch.”

“We work in the same office. Okay, we do not speak often, but he is still able to see me across the floor every day.”

“We have been members of the same club for years, so it kind of makes sense.”

The victim convinces him or herself because there is something that rings true. If you and the narcissist have known one another for a long time, have mutual connections, frequent the same places, it is entirely conceivable isn’t it, that this person could well have loved you from afar for years? The belief in love, the pleasure gained from being told this, the romantic connotation which arises from this circumstances and then the fact that there is something that rings true, all combines in the mind of the victim and they fall for the declaration.

Even in the rare instance that the victim might just question the bona fides of this declaration of love, we are able to deal with it. How? By again deploying the use of something that rings true.

Take for instance: –

“But we have barely spoken to one another all the time, how can you love me when that is the case?”

“I don’t need to speak to you to know what I feel for you. I have seen the way you are with people, kind, considerate, the way you make people feel at ease, the way you make people laugh, how good you are at your job. Those are all the qualities that made me fall in love with you and more besides.”

More compliments appeal to the listener. It is also likely that the narcissist will have observed his or her victim, spoken to the victim’s friends or colleagues and trawled their social media profile to select additional information which when combined adds to the veracity of the likelihood of someone being in love with the victim.

“But I hardly know you, we just share the same apartment building.”

“Maybe but I see you go past every day and you may not have noticed me, but I have noticed you.”

Again, that is entirely conceivable.

“Years you say, why did you not say anything sooner?”

“Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”

Again, there is a plausibility to what is being said.

We rely on the suggestion that something is true, the fact that it is plausible, the desire of the victim to believe in love, to want romance, to have something wonderful which alleviates the pain of past miseries and combined together makes the magical become not just possible but probable. If you have someone paying attention to you, someone who professes to love you then most empathic individuals want to believe in that and will not want to run the risk of it being de-railed by interrogating the person as to what they really mean. The victim either convinces him or herself that what has been said is genuine, because it has something of the truth about it or if they do ask questions this just provides us with a further opportunity to add further words that have something of the truth about them.

Once you realise that this is a manipulation that our kind deploy, you will spot it happening with alarming frequency or you will look back and realise just how often it was used to con and dupe you, to cause you to think that what we said and did was genuine. All through the suggestion that something has the ring of truth about it.

“I am sorry I said what I did, I have been under a lot of pressure.”

(He has been working hard as of late. He has told me and so have his colleagues)

“I don’t want to make any mistakes this time, please give me a chance to make you happy.”

(She did say she messed up her previous relationships. I guess she has learned from that.)

“I have finally worked out what I need and what I have to give. It has taken me some time, but finally with you, I know it will be right.”

(He has told me about the other relationships he has had which didn’t work.)

“I will repay you when I receive my bonus.”

(He showed me his contract confirming that he was due a bonus a few weeks ago.)

“I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”

(His family told me has been hurt before.)

“It is a last minute business trip, these things happen. It is only a few days. I will be back before you know it.”

(She has mentioned business trips in the past and it is a demanding place where she works.)

“I am sorry you couldn’t reach me, sometimes I just need some space to work things out, you know how I can go inside myself at times.”

(Yes, he is sometimes quiet.)

“No she is just a friend, you’ve nothing to worry about.”

(He has mentioned her as a friend from school previously.)

Whether it is seducing you, making you do something for us, explaining away your concerns, deflecting blame, refusing to do something or a hundred other manipulations, we have an instinctive ability to cause you to accept what we say and do, believe us or no longer doubt us because of this capacity to add something that rings true. It is only after the event that you come to understand and realise that there was never any truth. The inference, insinuation or hint was predicated on lies.

How is it then that what are lies are somehow given that ring of truth?

The answer to that question is that there is also one other essential ingredient which enables us to deploy this manipulation. What we say, no matter how plausible, how convincing, how persuasive, how truthful it may sound, needs one other thing to make it work. Needs something else in the equation to turn the lie into an apparent and sustainable truth.

Something which is especially receptive to this tactic. Something that is open to its application. Something that allows it to be so effective.


13 thoughts on “Something That Rings True

  1. An_eternal_student says:

    Not anymore.

  2. cheyenne says:

    Still. May be far reaching of me to say….
    but there sometimes seems to be something a little too uncanny
    and ironic about it all and what they say….

  3. Tappan Zee says:

    Ironically empowering. Reading (not skipping:) to the end. I was knotted up in the manipulative machinations. Ticking them off in my head. Sifting through the rolodex in my brain. Jumping land mines here and there in my mind. Then. What a breath cold crisp air. YES. YOU. AKA ME. All I have to do is sidestep. GOSO. All day. Every day. I don’t have to (can’t) fix or change narcs. Just (just herculean feat) take cover. Bolthole myself. GTFO. Yay. Refreshing!

  4. Yeah. Be sure to ask if he even knows your name. Names don’t seem to matter.

    1. Noname says:

      Yes, our names don’t matter. No name. Lol.

  5. Windstorm2 says:

    You can’t con someone who doesn’t want what you’re offering. The flip side to that is it’s so easy to believe that something you wish were true is really true.

    1. Nuit Étoilée says:

      ^ This.
      I knew. KNEW it was BS.. but it was sweet – acting like a school boy falling over when we met, not calling me ‘beautiful’ but ‘impressive’ instead (what did that even mean?)…
      …but I wanted to believe him..

      ..why couldn’t I be so attractive & have an effect on someone..?

      Utter nonsense.. I listened bc that’s what he needed – i didn’t believe anything he said – where i question everything – sitting there thinking – WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS??? why was it so hard to walk away?

      I think I enjoyed being chased.. it’d been so long since I’d lived that, I told myself I didn’t care.. (and he’s so handsome) until he acted like he was walking away & I chased – hated myself for that – knew it was fake on my part too – the strength of my addiction scared me. Damnit.

      But yeah, i don’t need this. It’s all BS.
      Always was.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Nuit Étoilée
        I’ve been there too. I’ve felt pretty much exactly how you described. The way I got beyond it was turning inward and looking for love and acceptance from myself. I know it sounds corny, but I’d always looked outward to others to validate me and love me.

        Turned out I was the one who had that power all along. Once I understood that and began to love myself, I no longer had that need to chase after others and their opinions didn’t determine how I felt about myself. I think most of us go thru this. We base our self worth on what our narcs think about us, when it’s what we think that really determines our worth.

        For me the key (to my own personal cage I’d trapped myself in) was to stop thinking about the narcs at all. Stop wondering what they were doing, what they were thinking – because that was holding me back from fixing my own problems. Focus on yourself, what you need, what you really want and how to accomplish it. At least that’s what helped me.

      2. Nuit Étoilée says:

        You’re exactly right, Windstorm – I’m in the process of trying to find those resources now.
        I thought I knew that, but obviously I have a lot more work to do.

        I didn’t understand myself.. my own behaviour. (and it’s not as though I’m young & inexperienced – which gets me quite angry too)

        On age – something like what HG says: I’m old enough to know better, young enough to still want to anyway

        Thank you so much for your comfort – really helps to know I’m not the only one – and there’s hope *tongue sticking out to HG – for me yet!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          How rude.

      3. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Oh, HG, we know we won’t get comforted from you – did the good doctors say ‘How rude’ to you when you stuck out your tongue at them? 😉

  6. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
    Dammit!That hurts!
    Getting hit on the head lessons here!
    The truth in this article is more true than any “truth” I ever got from my narc.
    But he was very convincing, and I obviously believed. Even when I thought I didn’t, I did.

  7. loveyourselfnowgirl says:

    OMG. I swear there must be an island where every narc goes to learn the narc vernacular.

    HG, you quoted my ex-narc verbatim right to the pauses and punctuation – not once, but twice:

    “I won’t hurt you, I have been hurt and I could not do that to anybody else.”

    “Because I wanted to be sure of what I felt. I didn’t want to rush it and I always believe that if something is right, it will come to happen.”

    He said all the right things, and appealed to my deepest insecurities. The first time I met him I knew he was a narc but I ignored the red flags and horns going off in my head.

    I really appreciate how you ended the article, because it was and is me that allowed it to happen. I wanted him to be the one, and I ignored the blatantly obvious to make that so for myself.

    He was honest a month into our relationship … “I am an opportunist.” he announced. When I questioned it a day later – “Oh no, I would never say that… that’s not my character. That doesn’t even sound like me…. no, I am not an opportunist, that would be cruel.” And I friggin bought it. I was hooked. I went on to accept treatment that I always said I wouldn’t, because I believed the image of the lovebombing period. He filled every wound I had for the first 6 months.

    I have never fallen so fast or so hard for someone, and it truly is my own undoing. He was honest… I just didn’t want to see it because I was so focused on his good qualities and chose to hang on to the delusion.

    I am soooo naive. I am laughing and crying at the same time. because I can’t even fault the guy. He saw me miles away, and I allowed him to zoom in, because he had a connection to a family member who passed on, that I love and admire. Goodness of character by association definitely didn’t apply in this case.

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