Love Is A Taught Construct



How do you know how to love? Did you sit wide-eyed in front a large screen as colourful costumed characters hugged one another to a saccharine sound-track so this imbued you with the concept of what love was? Did those cartoon characters explain to you what it is to love? Did their exaggerated voices and crazy antics, followed by the moral of the story teach you what love is? Perhaps you read about it in love, heard it in songs and studied the many ways in which this ultimate emotion appears and affects people. Chances are that you have been affected by those hugely affecting passages from the great works dedicated to love. Chances are you have been captured by haunting lyrics and catchy jingles which also profess to tell you what love is. They have all played a part. You may have learned about love from the version churned out by the media, of Hollywood romance, dashing heroes, fair maidens, tarts with golden hearts, the good man who rides to the rescue, the wayward soul saved by love. Love may have been explained to you from the pulpit as a higher love, something which transcends all earthly manifestations, a love so powerful and complete that it sacrificed its only son in order to demonstrate its love for humankind. This godly love is all around you, it touches each and all and is mighty in its effects. Love may have been learned from furtive fumbles down alleyways, sneaking into bedrooms when so young, the exploration of warm and urgent body parts accompanied by those every so sincere protestations of love. A haphazard journey through galloping teen years as nothing and everything makes sense all at once. Then again, love might have appeared to you in the form of something small and furry, an unconditional (so long as it was fed) love which was loyal, giving and ever so cute. So many erudite tutors, learned lecturers and wise proponents of what love is. Love thy neighbour, love yourself, love is all you need, woman in love, it must have been love, crazy little thing called love, to know him is to love him, we found love, how deep is your love? Love is all around us, in us, between us, lifting us up and letting us down. It is everywhere and you may well have been taught by many of the above and more besides as to what love is.

However, love most likely will have been taught to you by those who created you, those two people who came together and through their own pleasure created you. Two people who decided that they would shoulder the responsibility of creating life, nurturing it and bringing a new person into the world. Those two people accepted many, many responsibilities from such a decision and act. Chief among them was the responsibility of teaching that person what love is. Through their offices they have furnished each and every one of us with the notion of what love is. A deep-seated and visceral understanding of this is how love feels, this is what it looks like, this is what it sounds like. This is love. From those two people more than anything else we are first grounded in the concept of what love is. This grounding lasts a considerable time and whilst there are other factors to be considered, as I have mentioned above, it is this lesson which is learnt invariably first and the one lesson which resonates beyond all others. So often we are in their hands when it comes to being taught about love. So, what is this taught love? It has so many, many facets.

Love is being told to never trust anybody.

Love is being made to re-write the entire essay because of one spelling mistake.

Love is being sent to stand outside on a cold winter’s day until all three verses of Ode to Autumn are recited correctly.

Love is knowing nothing is ever good enough.

Love is understanding that someone else knows better than you what is best for you.

Love is turning away from the reality.

Love is standing straight against a wall for several hours for speaking out of turn.

Love is for the weak.

Love is being told that when I am gone nobody else will look out for you.

Love is succeeding.

Love is building a wall as high as possible.

Love is trying until it hurts and gaining that final curt nod of approval.

Love is being seen and not heard.

Love is fulfilling your potential and securing that legacy.

Love is hurting you even though it hurts me, but someone in this household has to do it and it won’t be him will it?

Love is reading to yourself than being read to.

Love is living in the shadows and hoping not to be noticed.

Love is being the best.

Love is the preserve of the powerful.

Love is being denied a birthday party because the other children are too stupid.

Love is being undermined in order to prevent conceit.

Love is a begrudged recognition and the injunction to try harder, go further, climb higher, run faster, study longer.

Love is burning your hand but not crying.

Love is don’t tell anybody about our secret.

Love is a righteous beating.

Love is being distant and pretending things never happened.

Love is being sent away.

Love is not being told.

Love is splendid isolation.

Love was taught this way.

99 thoughts on “Love Is A Taught Construct

  1. I think the big problem for both the Narcissist and the Empath is they are both looking for unconditional love, whether consciously or not.

    There is no such thing in an adult world. It belongs to babies, and only until they are cognizant of their separation from the world, and know right from wrong.

    I never could believe that you should be loved simply for existing. Love should be a reaction to the virtues you possess.

    (But a narcissist can mimic this…. as long as he has had the
    example…which you, standing right in front of him, supply)

    Any opposing viewpoints?

  2. analise13 says:

    What wonderful prose on such a sad subject.
    Thank you, HG.

    I agree Sniglet. Love is individually defined.

    The key is how each of us perceive love.

    The problem with narcissistic relationships, both sides perceive love differently.

    As a result, the narcissist becomes wounded and their partner hurt by expectations not being met.

    For some infatuation,
    the idea of being in love with love,
    is Love for them.

  3. L. Carwell says:

    Thank you, HG. It was the first thing that came to mind when I read this post.

  4. L. Carwell says:

    “And we’ll see if one tree won’t grow as crooked as another, with the same wind to twist it!’

    Strange how empaths and narcissists often have the similar if not the same origins.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Good analogy.

  5. Lou says:

    I have had a very contrasting relationship with love so far. Earlier in life, I was a love devotee; I wanted a Prince Charming to live the perfect and eternal love. I then learned that this concept of love was just unmet needs.

    I then became a love atheist; love is nothing but a chemical trick of nature to ensure reproduction and the survival of our species. An instrument of our egos to pass on our DNA and ensure our own survival.
    I still fluctuate between these two concepts. However, I now seem to be more a devotee of the Whitney Houston precept “Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all” LOL

    Love is an interesting subject

  6. littlebit says:

    Made me cry for you, and even though I’ve learned from your writing that this will mean nothing, I’m sad that you can’t experience love. As for myself, who I also cried for, of course, I experience too much love. Now, if only I could find a non-Narc to love me back. One of my exes wasn’t a Narc – and I just didn’t fancy him! I’m messed up, man. I had no idea about all this until on a writing holiday a woman clues me in when she saw me gazing adoringly at the Narc who was making me pretend we weren’t seeing each other (of course, darling, and come to my room whenever you want and I’ll get down on my knees for you.) Seriously, I actually agreed to this as I was ” in love” with him. But then he told me I wasn’t a real writer, like him, even though my publishing history dwarfs his in both quantity and quality.😜 I left a day early to get away from the arrogant git and have been NC ever since!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Well, it provides me with a little dollop of fuel.
      Well done on commencing no contact.

  7. Sniglet says:

    That feeling you had for Amanda, would be called love. I think you are capable of feeling and giving love in your own way, but it would be love nonetheless.

    1. Erin says:

      Who is Amanda? What is the story there? I’m already beginning to ship ahah.
      If H.G. has, in his own way, had actual positive feelings for someone, possibly even just a hint of love, then that would mean there is more hope than I previously thought!
      It’s no surprise my favourite fairytale was “Beauty and the beast”…

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Ha, ha! My favorite movie of all time was Disney’s Beauty and the Beast for many years! It has since been eclipsed by Frozen which contains my theme song – “Let It Go.”

        But being a French student, I was always aware of the original story and it’s purpose. In the original story the father traded Belle for his own freedom. The story is to teach girls to always obey their fathers and trust things to work out in stead of thinking for themselves. That ruined the story for me. I know that advice won’t work out in real life. That’s why it’s a fairytale and unrealistic.

      2. Overthinker says:

        I could be mixing them up but I think she was a girl he had a crush on in high school or college. I think hg showed empathy in his replies to Gabrielle the other day he was like a father showing concern for his daughter even though I doubt he’s old enough to be her dad. I was very impressed hg

        1. HG Tudor says:

          That wasn’t empathy, it was irritation.

          1. Dickforlong says:

            Lmfao – I absolutely heard irritation in your response. (Gabrielle I am laughing at myself)

            Crap! Now who’s a good empath HG?

      3. erin says:

        Hi Windstorm, I always saw Beauty and the Beast differently:
        the father was a selfish git, and the two sisters in the story are also horrid, so I always understood the story to mean that people can be kind and thrive (Beauty) even if they come from an unpleasant family, that sometimes changes that seem scary can actually turn out for the best, and finally not to judge by appearances.
        I lived something similar, really.
        Years ago there was a large group I used to hang out with on occasion; there was therein one man that most people were a little scared of because he spoke little and always had a grim, ominous expression. I was the only one who spoke to him cheerfully.
        He turned out, after MONTHS of being a tough nut to crack, to be the kindest, sweetest man I ever met. He is a fellow empath who also knew narcissistic abuse. 11 years later we are engaged.

        1. Windstorm2 says:

          Glad that has worked out for you. I too often engage the grumpy people others avoid. They are often shy and nice.

          That was just the interpretation I was taught I. french class. Fit with my family experiences.

      4. Sniglet says:

        I don’t view that as irritation. That is a budding empathy, care and possible puppy love.

  8. Karen Woods says:

    I lived in the home with a Narcissist birth mother and a serial killer/rapist. I can still love and I have sympathy for others. You’re opinion, why are we different?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I am a narcissist. You are an empath. Your response to your circumstance took you one way, I went in a different direction. Why that happened is down to genetic predisposition which caused a particular response when encountering a particular upbringing.

  9. Nuit Étoilée says:

    Dearest HG,

    Do you see any possibility of feeling love as it is intended – that reaches that innermost part of you – not just as fuel?

    The self-love healing from abuse I’m learning seems to me to be based on calling upon feeling the peace/love/soothing we need.. but you have to be able to first…

    Reminds me of a telling moment w my narc when talking about love & I said one must love to be loved, he responded – one must be able to love to love..

    I wish this for you..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do not.

      1. Lou says:

        HG, you once wrote you found the videos of Sam V and his wife pathetic and that you’d do it differently should you be in a “formal” relationship. If you will never be able to love, and we should probably define love first, how would you do it then?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It was the nature of the interaction I described as such because it was dull. Do you mean how would I do such a video differently?

      2. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Your response means more than you can know.. Thank you for taking the time and consideration for my question…

      3. Lou says:

        I thought your comment about the Vaknins was about their relationship (their dynamics as a couple which you had been able to observe in their videos). So when you said you would do things differently, I thought you were saying you would have another type of relationship Since you have said before that you do not discard the idea of getting married again, my question was what type of relationship can you imagine having with a hypothetical future wife of yours, knowing you are not able to love (or, more importantly, to break free from your addiction to fuel).
        But you do not have to answer to my question. I am aware that it may be futile to talk about it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Well it wouldn’t be insipid in the way I saw on that video, that’s for certain.

          1. Scarlet says:

            HG, I have often thought that SV wife is also a narcissist just a different type . She was raised by narcissist parents and seems quite content with their cold robotic partnership . I know the subject of them bores you 🤔 But do you think it’s possible ?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I can understand why you may think that and it is certainly not impossible. I do not know enough about her to form a view however.

      4. Lou says:

        Maybe Sam V is more amusing when he speaks Hebrew and is not talking about NPD. I really hope that is the case for his wife’s sake.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There’s that rascal hope again!

          1. Windstorm2 says:

            It does spring eternal. For which I personally am very thankful!

      5. Lou says:

        HG, you know what I think of hope. It is also part of my fuel matrix and I do not see a reason yet to get rid of it. I do see, however, a reason to control it and use it better.

    2. Overthinker says:

      It’s interesting somebody mentioned Sam vaknin and his
      His wife because I watched their video and wanted to ask u about it he refers to her as his secondary source nonetheless she clearly loves him and accepts him even if that makes her codependent my question is if he got a phone call saying she was run over and killed instantly by a mack truck would he miss her I know he would miss her fuel and the benefits she provides meaning I assume she seems to be the type who takes care of laundry grocery shopping things like that but her affection her humor her kindness would he truly not miss any of these things I know he is cerebral but help me understand do the qualities she brings to him truly mean nothing

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Who cares?

        1. Overthinker says:

          Lol good lord the reason I care is because this would be further evidence that a narc can’t love I see a lot of myself in his wife that’s why lol but I guess it’s only my interest so OK whatever

      2. Windstorm2 says:

        My money is on “no.” He would only miss her fuel and residual benefits.

  10. Dickforlong says:

    Dammit HG now you made me cry…

    For you

    For me

    For what could have been for all of us… Narc and empath alike.

  11. Bekah B says:


    Please watch the original Twilight Zone series episode “A Piano in the House”. All of us here have either been involved with a narcissist or is a narcissist, and I think this episode does a great job symbolizing just what may be hidden behind the mask of a narcissist.

    1. Nuit Étoilée says:

      Bekah – THANK YOU!!

      I just did, and found it to be a great example.

      1. Bekah B says:

        You are welcome 🙂

  12. PhoenixRising says:

    You forgot Love is conditional.
    My parents taught me love in the same way, HG. Somehow though I found my way by going the opposite direction of you and becoming a super empath. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel so deeply or have such a burning need to be loved in return. That right there is what got me sucked into the arms of my narc.

  13. Mb says:

    So basically if the narc was crushed in childhood by n parents he spends his adult life crushing others who are pure to ‘get even’ karma like? Is a N created from his childhood environment and once had similar feelings as us then lost them or as you’ve said never had them ? So where does the ‘evil’ intent come from or is it a survival tool that by its nature incidentally crushes us? Guess diff levels of N as you’ve taught. Have brain scans been done to see if N’s brains are dff biologically ? My husband claims he was unloved , says from very early age he felt like a ‘spaceship dropped him into this family but they were strangers. Also said he is afraid he will die alone when we dated….

    1. Bekah B says:

      My mid-range said something similar.. He said he felt he was switched at birth or something, because the family he grew up in didn’t seem it should be his.. His mother and his brothers were always “angry”.. And upset.. With upset expressions on their faces, all of the time.. My mid-ranger told me he couldn’t wait to grow up and NOT do the things they did.. To get back at them on a higher level.. But little does he realize, he has stooped to their level, or perhaps never even elevated himself.. Because he is filled with such cold fury and anger.. He admitted it is a challenge for him to “break” people and get them to release frustration, just so he could be the one to play it cool always and make himself seem like the bigger person.. Very interesting things to hear, coming from any person in life..

  14. Erin says:

    I’m so sorry that such abuse and trauma was inflicted upon you, H.G.
    Do you think someone who was taught one type of “love”, can learn another? Do you think the damage is always final?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No need to be sorry, you didn’t do it.
      No, Erin, I do not.

      1. Erin says:

        I can’t help but feel sorry, H.G, it’s a sin of the empath, perhaps.
        I’m also more stubborn than a mule, and please don’t take this as criticism but for once, for your own happiness, I hope you one day prove yourself wrong 😉

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not taken as a criticism Erin.

  15. Nuit Étoilée says:

    Or rather, many of our parents, including MatriNarc, taught what love is not.

    What is love…?

    ..that deep trust, knowing I can relax, be myself.. share my thoughts, express myself – w no fear of betrayal – emotionally & physically..

    ..and enough self-love to know I deserve to be loved in the way I need.. and don’t have to accept less…

    ..i end w a question mark, bc love can be different for each of us, & is different between all of us, too – I love each person differently..

    What is love?

  16. Diane says:

    I think too HG that on some level you have learned to love. Why? You sought help, you have not wasted your pain. And you put up this site in order to try and help others. Whenever you reach out and try to help another and there is nothing in it for you, that is a form of love. Progress has been made by you. Thank you for all the help I got from finding this site.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I haven’t sought help. I do this work to further my own ends however others benefit also, so it is a win/win.

  17. Diane says:

    I grew up in a similar household. My heart goes out you HG. Spent 15 years in therapy to repair myself. I have a question HG : Are most Narcs also Misogenysts ? I think my last boyfriend was both.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Misogynists and misandrists.

  18. E. B. says:

    Acons in general give too much power to their parents, especially to their disordered *mothers*. My Matrinarc hated me for being aware that what she wanted me to believe was wrong.

    It is surprising how much power controlling mothers (and not so much fathers) have over their good-educated, high achievers narcissistic sons and daughters, who accept their false, ridiculous statements, even when there is enough information available that proves the opposite. Their anger and rage towards their cruel mothers is projected onto other people.

  19. sunniva says:

    I am sorry to read that so many of you have experienced love as a taught construct growing up.
    When you can feel the emotion of love, and someone has given unconditional love to you, it is no longer taught, it is felt, and the construct is very real.
    My dad has never told me he loves me, but he doesn’t have to. All his words, actions and what he has done/is still doing for me, shows how much he loves me. His love is never manifested in what I am or how I preform, but in how I am feeling and that my everyday life is a happy life.
    Love comes in many different constructs. We love our friends, our parents, our children, our girlfriend/boyfriend, but if your love, no matter what construct, is not given back, then it is not love. With a narcissist it is not even taught love, because we know that a narcissist is not able to feel the emotion of love. After the audio consultation with HG yesterday I now know that if you are dealing with a narcissist, not matter what relationship, you are never obliged to interact with them.

    If you haven’t done an audio consultation with HG yet, I strongly recommend it. His texts and books are revolutionary thoughts on NPD, and talking to him is even better. He is both smart and spot on in his advice to the situation, and highly professional.

  20. Blank says:

    Joni Mitchell’s “A case of you” and “The last time I saw Richard” probably describe how I’ve felt about love. I thought about love so many times and I guess it has to do with our biology, the way our brains are wired and all of our past experiences. Every single person experiences his or her life is it’s own unique way and therefore we can never really judge or understand another person.

  21. Daniela says:

    Sending you love, HG…Love is powerfull.
    It just exist..

  22. narc affair says:

    Everytime i read this one i feel a deep sadness, yet anger. Your mother really was a douchebag. To make you stand outside and recite something …wow. As a mother i shake my head at this list. Any parent that does these things should of never had children. Terrible psycholoical abuse 🙁
    I do hope one day HG you can learn to love yourself i mean who you really are faults and all. I know for victims we have to learn to do the same. To learn self love and respect on our own not thru other people. Thru the abuse i am slowly learning to be more compassionate with myself and in turn love me. Its odd bc im very supportive and compassionate of others yet i strruggle to do the same for myself. I still have that taught construct that im not worthy of unconditional love. Its deeply engrained in my psych. Each time my taught love list pops in my mind i replace it with a validating thought about myself. Im being the parent i shouldve had growing up.
    You can unlearn and relearn and i strive to learn the love i shouldve had.

  23. Catherine says:

    Reading this was so sad. No child should ever have to endure those twisted expressions of love. I recognise some of them from my own childhood. Love was always conditional. It could be given, only to be taken away from you again shortly afterwards. Love had a price, and that price was suffering. The more you suffered and tried to do better, the more chance of being loved. Love was drama and addiction to pain. It always biked down to guilt and shame. Love was punishment, not being spoken to for a week at a time, being triangulated, scared and confused; love was never ever being allowed to be yourself. Love was talked about a lot in my family though, it was demanded. You were told ten times a day sometimes that you were loved with the inherent demand that you should reciprocate. Love was the currency used to avoid disastrous events and you’d better love or else.. Love was all fake to me.

    But still I do believe in love. Right now I’m not sure what love is, not being what I’ve known in my relationships so far. I guess it’s been an addiction for me. And I have to go about it in a whole new way. I will though. I’ll never give up on love.

  24. betty says:

    In one of your audio recordings HG you mentioned that you only offer info about Narcs and the reason why you don’t delve into resources for helping empaths, is because you don’t really care. While that might be true and whether it isn’t your primary mission, you help us more than you know AND more than some professionals who boast claims about helping empaths recover from lack of self love.
    For everyone reading this, a few days ago I paid quite a bit of money to have a session with a popular author and blogger for empaths recovering from Narcs. She was horrible!!! She gave me no new info or insights. I could hear in her voice that she felt lost with how to give me tools on ‘self love’. Obviously most of us were not given healthy love or taught taught how to love ourselves.
    This post above has more power for gaining insight and healing for us than any advice she gave me. I would apply this post to the line of reasoning that.. if one doesn’t know how to get what they want, they can use process of elimination of knowing what they don’t want. This will increase clarity and progress.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Betty. The fact that I do not care means I am far more effective because you get the facts and what you need to move forward, no sugar-coating, no time wasted narc-bashing, but the cold, clinical analysis that will serve you the best.

      One of my readers told me that she booked a session with a certain blogger on the ‘victim side’ shall we say. The woman was 45 minutes late for the appointment, the reader had to ring her to remind her and she admitted she had forgotten about it and throughout the session offered no insight other than to use it to slag off her own narcissist. I wonder if it was the same person.

      I gain the clear impression that certain of these individuals actually do not provide anything useful other than a space within which to keep going on about what has happened in some misguided sisterly solidarity and then narc bashing which is of no use whatsoever.

      Moral of the story – don’t go to the competition!

      1. Catherine says:

        I couldn’t agree more with Betty. I tried a session like that as well, with a blogger and author, although I’m sure it was not the same one since it was here in Sweden, and it all came down to a confusing hour of not learning anything new about my relationship or about me.

        Reading your articles H.G and participating in discussions here has been the most helpful ever for me. And I do love your writing. Thank you!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Catherine. I do hope you had the session BEFORE you knew about me, otherwise questions will be asked!

      2. Catherine says:

        Yes, H.G, it was before knowing about you. It was in the beginning of my bewildered journey of trying to figure out what was happening to me, even before my relationship even ended. And it confused me even more.
        Thanks again!

      3. betty says:

        Good moral! And.. good to have good morals! I lay awake last night wondering if she in fact has narc tendencies. I am quite confident to spot the signs after listening endlessly to your recordings.
        I’ve always been able to see lies unrelated to the Love Bombing. Especially from those pseudo spiritualists. Although I am a body worker & traditional yoga person, I see right through ones who need to say, Blessings or Big Hugs, or Love & Peace, with every conversation. This is the same as when a player comes up to me in a bar and tries to pretend to care who I am in order to get me in bed. I’d rather the man say, ok, how many drinks will it take you to sleep with me. Then we’d have a laugh and the possibility would be better than all the fake baby talk. Same with this ‘Therapist”
        The question/hope, still remains; Most of us are wounded. We either take it out on ourselves or others. True love and consistency in that feeling is all a mirage. Even monks right about the façade of believing that deep feelings of love will be constant in oneself and or with another. If everything ebbs and flows, we must allow emotion and circumstances to as well.
        Perhaps a good scotch, laughing with friends and fresh air is enough.

      4. K says:

        Phew! correct answer. And, just for the record I have NOT consulted with anyone else, HG.

        1. HG Tudor says:


    2. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:


      Does Zari Ballard, ring a bell?

      1. betty says:

        nope. Is she legit? I did not think I should post the name of the one I talked with, although Id tell others in private if they were curious.
        I just know a ton of techniques for cognitive behavioral reprogramming, etc. But many who don’t. I’m sure she’d be helpful to. (insert eye roll here)

        1. Overthinker says:

          I like Zari Ballard’s website not sure if she has a YouTube but I hate most of the you tubers like Kim Wilson and the fat blonde chick who’s name currently is escaping me and a lot of these other woman telling me to love myself dam if I knew how to love myself I’d have done it years ago I’m happy I’ve managed to get to a place where I’m content with myself

      2. Overthinker says:

        Angie Atkinson is fat blonde chick I referenced it irks me that she says the exact same thing in every video and says my friend over and over again

  25. Bekah B says:

    This truly hurt my heart to read.. I know you probably can’t receive it the way I’m sending it and the way I want you to get it, but my heart truly goes out to you, HG, if this is what you were taught by your parents..

  26. Findinglife11 says:

    So sad HG.
    You recognize yet you still are who you are.

  27. Bubbles says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    For me, love is a feeling, I’ve always had it. Just to be kind. I’ve had enough cruelty in my life. Everyone hurt me as I was growing up. But I didn’t want to hurt them back, why, they appeared to be suffering …. why make it worse. I’ve been bullied, I’m not weak nor am I a martyr. I believe in fairness and justice and I will always come to the aid or help of an animal or person. Kindness and love are free…. it cant be sold or bought, the feeling comes willingly from the heart.
    I believe cruelty, bullying and hate comes from the mind, a thought process.
    A very sad read but provokingly written
    All children deserve a kind love

    1. Yolo says:

      Kindness is free, love like trust should be earned. Love is confused with lust, disillusion, confusion, and our need to fill a void within self.

      Love is patience, kind, not self serving, and proven through actions.

      Love is never genuine with person with npd. Never

  28. Twilight says:

    Love is…..

    HG this one hits hard, always has

    I remember the first time i heard Ode to Autumn….

    You have touched many with the words you write, helped many escape and make it to freedom, loved by many….

    Love is ones perspective and is the action from it

    To this day i still believe if you had not gone through what you did, many would still be suffering fron the hands of your kind. You were strong enough to bear this…..I hope you find what you seek HG. A place where you can place your weapons upon the mantle and enjoy the warmth of a fire.

  29. Mona says:

    I just saw a criminal documentary about a man who killed at least five individuals. His wife (married about 50 years ) always said she did not know about it (ha, ha) and she loves him. She (about 70) was arrested too and wrote him a love letter, still supporting him and telling that they did not find the graves (in a subtle way) . He is and was the love of her life. What is love for her? Is love there to support someone although he kills people? It seems to be that way for her. Did she have any other values than her love for him? She sacrificed her children too. They left home early. The love for him was of more worth in her opinion than the life of other people. This is ill.

    I do not know what she was taught what love is.

    My opinion: her ” love” is a narcissistic love, selfish down to the core.

    What is love?
    Is love a taught construct, is it some kind of addiction, is love only a selfish thing to satisfy your own needs?

    Or is the ability to love someone a special trait, which only some individuals have ? (referring/relating to Overthinker)

  30. Vashti says:

    Hey G (smile),

    Long time no speak…

  31. GP says:


  32. Sniglet says:

    I understand the message in this article and I don’t agree with some expressions of love just as with expressions of art. Love is multifaceted. Felt, seen and heard in different variations. I would imagine your canvas of love would be painted with feelings you get when you see your favorite colour – white, or your favorite car, book, tie, poem, saying, food, hair cut, the feeling after a great work out, the power of winning, a particular scent, the feeling when drinking water after a 3 day quenching thirst while in the middle of a desert, the pleasure of sex, touch, taste, some memories.Those feelings are worthy, and can be developed as a separate arm from the feelings and experiences endured as a child.

  33. 12345 says:

    I️ desire greatly to slap your mother an infinite amount of times across the face, HG. I️ would do that for you if I️ could. I️ hope that doesn’t offend you.

    I’m trying to reconcile in my mind how I️ can feel so angry at your parents but so grateful for your help. If your childhood had been different than there would be no HG and no rescue for people like me. Love almost always hurts. But when it doesn’t and it’s real…there is nothing better in the world.

    I️ will trade you one of my days of love (a good love day with no pain) for one of your days of no guilt. Now that’s a solid trade 😉

  34. Caroline says:

    There are times I have to stop reading things on this blog… this is one of those. I start feeling physically ill and so heartsick that I can’t handle it. I especially can’t stand thinking of children going through such pain and sorrow. I feel rather weak because I can’t read through what others can push through. But I’m so sorry for all who have suffered in life because of lack of unconditional, safe love.

    The other reason I can’t finish reading this is because I’d probably end up breaking my NC and trying to “fix” the narcissist…I know myself well, and I’ve had to hold myself back more than a few times. I still battle myself in believing narcissism can be cured with “enough real love.”

    1. SuperXena says:

      Hello Caroline,
      I could not help commenting your post. Please do not break No Contact! I know this article is very heart breaking and triggering …and it took me a while before understanding that :
      -They do not want to be fixed or saved
      -They do not see the need of being fixed or saved
      -They have the strong belief that they are supposed to be like that because they do not know any other way of being.

      If a change in them could take place:
      First: they have to see the need and want to do it
      Second: even if the former happens, it is not YOUR battle but THEIR battle.

      I know it is heart breaking thinking like that..but it seems it is the cold truth.
      Do not break No Contact…

      1. SuperXena says:

        and actually I came to that conclusion by reading the hurting ,triggering posts was the only way of doing felt like some kind of (heart ) surgery …but succesful at the end..

      2. Tappan Zee says:

        SX– lastly. we cannot fix. or save. but ourselves.

        1. SuperXena says:

          Precisely Tappan Zee!

      3. Caroline says:

        Thank you so much for caring, SuperXena. XO.

        I would have never thought that after 47 days of NC and my having a disciplined mindset + stubborn will that I would waver. But waver I did, thinking: “I’ll just give him a quick call to make sure he’s okay”… but as I reached for the phone, I heard this voice in my head – not an angelic voice, mind you – but an instructive one, booming:

        Do it, do it!
        Call me!
        Help me!
        Pity me!
        Save me!
        Listen to me!
        Fix me!
        Comfort me!
        Call me!
        Call me!
        Do it!
        Do it!
        Call! I can destroy you.

        I did not call. Instead, I painted my fingernails and toenails a pretty lilac shade and listened to beautiful music.

        Thank you, SuperXena. You’re a doll.

        And thank you, “Instructive Voice” (HG, of course).

        1. SuperXena says:

          Hello Caroline,
          Your welcome! You will see how the days turn to be months, half a year, a year..two.. Every day that goes is a step closer to your goal: your freedom. I have been no contact for 23 months after 6 years as an “IPPS”( I do not really like that denomination but it is the one used here).
          I recognise those words you wrote of that disturbing inner voice….year after year of trying to escape him and him hoovering me back …until I succeeded.
          And as you wrote , your last sentence is the key : ..
          “Call me again … I can destroy you”
          That short sentence was missing for me in this equation and it says it all..
          That short sentence is the distasteful medicine that you take by reading and learning from these triggering articles…
          If you still have things that remind you of him: get rid of them, burn them( I did and it was an empowering feeling of seeing his things gone into ashes), block him everywhere….
          And I hope your fingernails and toenails are beautifully painted lilac…

          Sent from my iPad

  35. Overthinker says:

    You must have read my mind .I wanted to ask you if you feel anyone in your life loves you or if you think the ones who say they do really do not.
    I’m also very sorry you were taught horrible things that taught you not to love.
    However I don’t believe love is taught in a normal mother and father absolutely never showed me love of any kind. I referred to my father as a piece of furniture because he just sat there and never interacted with me and my mother taught me she hated me.I wrote a paper in elementary school about how much she hated me my friends noticed it too. But yet I knew how to love and I did not get it from movies and TV. I instinctively loved from a very young age. I remember loving some of my friends deeply especially my friend Becky. I had a doll named Suzie that was my size that was my best friend also. By the way Becky was a real person the doll was not. My mother destroyed my doll Suzie and to this day I still try to find a replacement but I’ve never seen a doll like her. I loved my fourth grade teacher because he was a wonderful man.I loved a little boy named mark Collins in my third grade class. I sound like a child writing this but my point is I loved people easily and naturally it wasn’t taught. I disagree with you on this one respectfully.

    1. Overthinker says:

      I will say it again however your mother was a f%%%n c%%nt. I’d love to spit in her face and tell her what a despicable piece of human trash she is. But if you go by your theory love is taught that means you can still be taught to love. Not sure if I believe that but I’d love to see you come over to the other side there’s nothing more wonderful than still being able to love .

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        I agree. I knew how to love instinctively. If you have the emotion love, you will love. Just like if you have access to the emotion joy, you will feel joy. No one has to teach you these things.

        If you are around one year olds, it is obvious that they can love, feel joy and happiness instinctively. If you are around enough one year olds, you will encounter the odd one who does not feel these emotions. These are the future narcissists. The ability to feel emotions and which emotions we feel is inborn. How we deal with the emotions we can and can not feel is taught and learned.

  36. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    “Love is being sent away.”

    Where were you sent?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Numerous places.

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


    2. Scarlet says:

      Love your new pic there’s a new movie being made about vivien leigh and there’s a rumour Natalie may play her , I loved her in the Tudors

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:


        Thank you! I loveeeeeee Vivien Leigh.

        PS – obsessed with scarlet O’Hara

  37. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

    Sounds like my childhood. Major trigger, indeed. This was an excellent article, HG.
    Difficult one to read with out crying. Your mom was an evil woman.

    1. Overthinker says:

      Makes me want to bawl that this beautiful little boy was taught he had to be the best to be accepted taught he was never good enough taught he must achieve was isolated and alone he should have gotten the message he was loved just as he is no work required

  38. Shg says:

    “Love is being distant and pretending things never happened.“ That’s my Narc right there.

    He raped me, used me, triangulated, gaslighted, insulted, abused me on/off for 5 years. Never told anyone. Always pretended everything was ok. No one noticed anything. I loved him so much I ran back whenever he said he was sorry and that he loved me, only he would take it back as soon as he’d got what he wanted. I was never anything but a dirty little secret. When he got me pregnant he accused me of “always wanting his babies”.

    He was sent away to boarding school where he was raped and became an alcoholic. His father is an egomaniac who treats him like dirt. I wish I’d never met him.

  39. Windstorm2 says:

    I never learned all that goey romantic stuff, but I always knew all those “Love is…” you said we’re not love. Just because we were never shown actual love as children doesn’t mean it’s not out there. It is. I’ve seen and experienced it with my own children. I’m so sorry you can’t feel it, HG. I know there are many who do love you.

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