There comes a time when this must happen to everybody who has been ensnared by us. There is no hope for anything different. In the way that the world keeps on turning and the planets waltz around the sun, we will always cast you to one side. Of the many cruelties which we exact against you, this ranks as one of the worst. You might think that it is a blessing that the daily machinations and manipulations have ended but you will not see it that way when you are dis-engaged from. Indeed, you may not ever realise it.

You are given no warning that you are about to be dis-engaged, although if you know to look for them, there are actually signs that point to what is about to happen. Invariably you are unable to see them because you cannot see or think clearly for the maelstrom that continues to rage around you. There are times when the dis-engagement takes place that it is almost as if we have vanished into thin air. Yesterday we met you for lunch as normal and today you have no idea where we are. You have telephoned but our number is no longer in service. You call our work but you are told that we are unavailable as our assigned gatekeeper keeps you at bay. You wait around trying to catch a glimpse of us in order to speak with us and find out what is going on. You see hide nor hair of us and rather than be angry you are worried and concerned both for us and our relationship, or at least what was once our relationship. This form of the dis-engagement is swift and brutal. Here yesterday and gone today. We put in place a ring of steel which we will not allow you to penetrate. When this form of dis–engagement has been effected you are actually receiving a double whammy of discard and an absent silent treatment. This is designed to reinforce like a hammer blow that you are no longer of any use to us. We do not want to see you, we do not want to hear from you and we do not want to read your e-mails, messages and texts. At least not yet. This form of dis-engagement arises because we have already replaced you. We have found a new primary source of fuel and he or she is a thousand times better than you. We have brought down the shutters, raised the drawbridge and built our castle walls thick and high as we now sit in the throne room with our new, wonderful and perfect primary source by our side. You have been struck from the record, deleted and erased.

We do not want you distracting us from this most precious person that we have found. The truth is that the memory of us being linked to you irritates and infuriates us. We thought that you were the one who would supply us with positive fuel always. Despite the other failures that had gone before you, you showed such promise and we gave you everything in order to seduce you. Now you are placed on the appliance pile, rejected and broken, of no current use to us. You let us down and we bristle at the thought that we even considered you might be of use to us. Your failure and the fact we chose you means that we feel criticised and the ignition of our fury results in a cold fury that creates this icy hinterland that we place between you and us. We want nothing more to do with you.

Until we decide of course it is time to hoover you.

This sudden and unexplained cessation of the relationship is only temporary. We will look to reinstate it at some point in order to extract hoover fuel from you, but you do not know this. All you know is that we were once there and no we are no longer and it hurts. Your soul has been wrenched from within you. It does not matter how badly we hurt you, you still wanted that golden period and our sudden departure has denied that from ever happening again, or at least that is what you are led to believe. Your pain is absolute, combined with the confusion and bewilderment.

Another way in which we cast you to one side is akin to being repeatedly dunked in a barrel of icy water. Each time your dunking lasts a little longer and you fear you cannot hold your breath any longer and this time this is it, you are on your way out, only for us to haul you out and that sweet and precious air fills your lungs, if only for an instance before you are thrust back into the water. During that interlude, as the water cleared from your eyes and you gulped great lungfuls of air you saw someone else stood by our side, watching you with a look of curiosity on their face. This is your replacement but we have not yet decided that they are to replace you as we are giving you the chance to prove yourself and provide some further fuel before we push you away and leave you spluttering and gasping on the ground beside the barrel. We never finish you off. That would be pointless.

We always need to come back, not that you will realise that as you lie panting and shaking on the ground, cold and soaked, watching as we stroll away, our arm around the new prospect. This steady and controlled discard takes place as we lose interest in you but we have no desire to make our departure sudden and swift. We want to hedge our bets as we firm up our arrangements with your replacement, fine-tuning that seduction as we continue to extract fuel from you through this dunking. We push and pull, toying with your emotions.

This is not part of the devaluation even though we exhibit a similar behaviour during that time when we denigrate you and then grant respite. No, this is different. When this is undertaken in an accelerated fashion then you know that it is a form of dis-engagement. We may give you a week of hell and then several weeks of the golden period before hell again. That is the push and pull of devaluation. When this technique is applied as discard it is disorientating as one day is fine and the next is not and then fine again. You feel like you are being figuratively bludgeoned and as you try and get your bearings you stagger across the boxing ring away from us only to meet another opponent who continues the beating and then sends you on your way to the next one.

These are just two forms of the way we will dis-engagement you. Why do we do it? As ever it is all about fuel. With the first it is because we have new and brilliant fuel and no longer wish to be reminded about your faltering and weak fuel. In the second we have not yet confirmed that the new source is as potent as we require and in the meanwhile we decide to continue to extract further fuel from you as your severance from us takes place in typical salami-slicing fashion. In every entanglement with our kind you will eventually be dis-engaged. You won’t see it coming but it is always in the post, coming along the highway, wending its way towards you.

Don’t be too concerned though. No dis-engagement is for ever. We always come back for more.

10 thoughts on “Jettison

  1. goldie says:

    salami-slicing…what is that?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The incremental achievement of an aim which is done in a subtle way so that you do not notice until it is too late. All you notice are minor constituent parts which means you do not react to them in a way which prevents the achievement of that aim. If you wish to read more about this, I recommend you do so in the book ‘Danger : 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist’.

  2. RJ says:

    Go no contact. Hold your ground. Ignore them. But remember their is no boundaries on their part.. Prepare yourself, hard to believe but as stated in the articles over and over they will appear again, even at un appropriate times. It very well may take you by surprise and you may have to be courteous and polite instead of blowing up and looking like the ass. That’s what they want, that negative fuel. Don’t over do it on the niceness though that would give too much positive fuel. Be the decent person they hate. May have to give a little fuel to deliver the narcissistic injury which will in turn outweigh the fuel cost. Now that you are wiser you can do this for self preservation. Commence the ignoring again.

  3. Blank says:

    It certainly is for ever, since I have gone No Contact and he wouldn’t know where to find me (the last narc that is).
    My ex-hub cerebral narc and I though, are divorced officially, but still live together in seperate parts of our house. He is not violent, he’ll just completely ignore me (as he always has, since he got no fuel anymore) and just occasionally we’ll meet (we have sons together) and he will make some smug comments. Usually he is too drunk and stoned every night to even talk straight. It is pathetic to see him that way, thinking he is God himself, having no friends – because no one meets his level of intelligence- while he tells me ‘this is life and you don’t know how to live it, bla, bla’
    Anytime I read a blog post here I just think how much I wish I’d known about narcissism before I got married, or I should say, before I became an adult. When I look back now, I can see all the narcs in my life and what their influence has been on my self -esteem and my entire life, being depressed, anxious and socifobic for at least 15-20 years, feeling like a zombie. I also see how the narcs behave with, and effect others, what a weird world view they gave me, why it is they can be so moralistic and judgemental, but still think the law doesn’t apply to them.
    I tell my sons about narcissim now and I hope they will recognize it in the people they engage with. It hurts when I think I haven’t been able to be a happy mom always. When I apologized to them recently, they said they were fine and happy and had no trauma, but I know children can’t see yet the influence their parents have on them. But I’m glad to see they are doing fine and have very nice friends and steady friendships.
    Yesterday, having dinner with my youngest son (the eldest lives with his girlfriend abroad), I suddenly felt really happy. I haven;t felt like that in ages. We just sat there chatting, having a nice meal, nice music in the background .Just to feel inner peace, because now I know what it was all about.
    I still have Matrinarc I’ll have to deal with, but I know she can never again put shame or guilt on me or have me apologize to her, to end a silent treatment.
    You’re doing a good job HG! Nevertheless I will go No Contact with you now, since that is what you taught me to do :).
    Thanks a million for everything and helping me to get my life back!
    I wish that for everyone here. Big hug to all of you XXX

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  4. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    I just got a hoover attempt (one narc regrets losing me as -at least- a friend…LOL). No interest, NC. Do you think he’ll understand the message or narcs never give up, not even after years? From my past and from you, I’ve learned. Not even thinking, as I did in my past, that I am a terrible human for ignoring him. I think I do what’s best for both me and him.

    1. AmP says:

      I kind of regret losing my last narc as a friend. She was pretty shitty to her room mate and dishonest with me but I did have a fun time when I was around her. I’m one of those empathic people that tend to supernova when things feel wrong so I can be fairly resistant to taking devaluation. When I got sick of playing the games I took a photo she framed of me and my son and hung it outside her place. I was pretty sure she was grooming the guy she would move in with just over a month later. One huge narcissistic rage later and the fact that I never acted the way she wanted made it so I’m sure she won’t be contacting me again. No supply and threat to new supply, no interest. Of course she was no greater so challenges wouldn’t be her thing. Too consumed with playing the victim.

  5. Ugotit says:

    I don’t think he’s coming back this time hes now searching for Russian woman who want to marry Muslims .I don’t understand this man . he has me or had me rather but it was never enough he always wanted more or something different than me but I guess the jokes on him because I’m pretty sure he didn’t find someone yet since he signed up for a Russian matchmaker.but the joke is really on me why the hell can’t I let go I really must be some kind of masochistic codependent love addict. I just need him to come back one more time so I can ignore him like I said last time I would do and didn’t do it.maybe I’m just addicted to pain and suffering

    1. Sarabella says:

      It is not in your nature to ignore someone you want to relate to. So you will never master the ignore game. I tried. He laughed alot at me for that. But once I really, really understood the dynamic and that it was truly hopeless with him, I learned not to ignore him, but to ignore the feelings I had had for him. And I replaced the yearning with some real nuts and bolts truths of how depraved he is. That helped alot. And I called him out to harshly, he won’t ever be back. But you have to reach the point of dedicating your life to you, not to a sociopath before change can happen.

    2. Ugotit says:

      Well it happened after four months and one almost two days no contac I just discovered he left three messages for me on hangouts at midnight last night not answering them

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