The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6

we-see-you

You want to be someone to my kind and me.

That will not happen.

You are a something to us, not a someone.

I do not relate to you. Why should I? I regard myself as superior, elevated and special. The petty concerns which govern your life do not apply to me. I do not do accountability. Certainly I have some understanding of what it means to be you, after all I have listened to you tell me so many times about how you feel and I have watched you and others like you so often. I do not feel it however. I cannot put myself in your shoes. I do not want to and even if I did, I am unable to do so because I neither have that emotional empathy or the even stronger emotional contagion that you experience.

Yes, I can see the differences between you and her, him and them. I can see the contrasts in height, body shape, she has green eyes and you have blue eyes, he has no hair and he has dreadlocks. I recognise physical attractiveness, I see the different clothes that you wear, the variances in shoes worn, jewellery displayed and such like. I notice all of that but that does not make you more of a person to me. It is merely the distinction between a washing machine that is white and one which is silver.

Take my television which is placed at the far end of the main sitting room. It is a Samsung Curved SUHD HDR Dot Smart TV 78″ television that I primarily watch sport on. It provides me with a picture which is in pinsharp crikey vision with a scintillating array of colours. The sound is impressive and it looks sleek and attractive. It delivers an outstanding display and therefore delivers what I require of it.

Take you as my primary source. I can see that you stand 5ft 9″ in height, you are slender, with pale skin and long brown hair to the small of your back, which becomes slightly wavy towards the end. Your face is oval. Your eyes are green. You look sleek and attractive. You are an outstanding display of physical attractiveness. I know all this but your primary purpose is to provide me with positive fuel and you do so impressively. You therefore deliver that which  I require of you.

You are no different to my television. You are there to provide a function. You are to deliver in accordance with the Prime Aims, which are the provision of fuel, character traits and residual benefits. If you do and you do so in a fulsome manner, you are a high functioning appliance. If you do not, you are a malfunctioning one.

You and the television are there to do things for me, because I am entitled to that.

I press your buttons by seducing you or later provoking you and you must churn out fuel for me. You at the time of the golden period are my favourite appliance. I have many appliances, other objects which spew out fuel in varying quantities and differing potencies. I have connected all of these appliances to me because again my objectification of you is also linked to the need to exert control. If I want to eat some toast, I place two slices of bread in my Alessi toaster and press the lever down, adjust the relevant control to govern the degree of toasting required and a minute or two later I have two perfectly toasted slices. It works each and every time. I control it. It does what i want. It does not refuse to toast my bread, it does not only toast one side, it does not fire the bread back at me or instead produce a different outcome altogether by presenting me with a leg of lamb. I expect you to be equally compliant and effective. I do not understand why you should not be. You are there to do what I want, I am entitled to receive the Prime Aims and since I installed you as my primary source, you should be delivering them repeatedly, consistently and without interruption. I am not interested in the vagaries of your life which impacts upon your ability to function because of my sense of entitlement, my notion of superiority and of course my incessant needs and demands.

Objects are far easier to control. They are installed, powered and they function. If they stop functioning then they are thrown away and they are replaced. Accordingly, when you stop delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims you suffer the same fate. I do not have time to repair you, you are put to one side and a better, shinier, more effective model takes your place. How did I ever manage without it? Why did I put up with you as a faltering appliance for so long?

You may look at your replacement and wonder why on earth that appliance has been chosen over you. It might be because you gave everything you could to us. It might be because you can see that you are more capable, more interesting, more intelligent and better looking than your replacement. Perhaps you are, perhaps those distinguishing features are there, but you were not delivering in accordance with the Prime Aims and your replacement is doing so which means that they are infinitely superior to you. You are dispensable. Ally the fact that we see you and others as objects with our necessity for performance, our lack of remorse and conscience and you can understand (or maybe begin to understand) why we find it so easy to dis-engage with you and place you on the scrap heap and choose another appliance with such ease.

If you end a relationship, you may be concerned to ensure that the other person is not too devastated, that they are doing okay because even though you may not want to be in a Formal Relationship longer you largely still care about the well-being of another human being. To us that is pointless. Why use your energy dealing with something that is ineffective? That is a waste of time.

Your objectification makes it far easier for us to function. By regarding you as just another object which is there to perform for us, that is to be controlled by us and can be readily replaced when we deem it necessary, we achieve our aims far more readily. Performance and control are key and this is what objects do. Whether it is an ornament which looks beautiful and we can place where we want, to a motor vehicle which delivers us from A to B or a dishwasher which provides us with clean and streak free shining glasses, we control them all and they perform.

This objectification extends into how we regard different objects. For example, when you are seduced and embedded as the intimate partner primary source, you are our most prized possession. You are the one which will give us the necessary positive fuel each and every day in large amounts and with considerable potency. This means you will be looked after, you will be treated well, you will be paraded and shown off, like some prize piece of art or an expensive necklace. You will be placed carefully on that pedestal, polished, cleaned and maintained.

The tertiary source which works in the garage where we fill up with petrol every week is like an old teddy bear. We always say hello and receive a pleasant dollop of positive fuel as we feign interest in this person’s humdrum life. We have known this person for years and like that teddy bear, we see no need to throw them away, not yet, but nor do we regard there as being any necessity for maintenance. Accordingly, the corresponding teddy bear has a eye missing, some stuffing is spilling from inside and the fur has faded.

In the same way that one is careful with a delicate and expensive mirror, we will treat our appliances in the same way. Some can be kicked to one side, scuffed and stained, like a pair of old trainers, others are handled with care until we decide otherwise. Our appliances in our fuel network are regarded and handled in differing ways.

The trophy appliances, the primary source in the golden period or the longstanding inner circle successful friends who are non-intimate secondary sources, are displayed and shown off regularly. The much maligned familial non-intimate secondary source, a scapegoated sibling or child, is the hideous jumper that is only ever worn when it really has to be done and is otherwise derided and ridiculed. Our Lieutenants are our tools, the devices which we depend on to do our bidding as they are deployed to achieve our aims.

Our objectification of you is necessary for the purposes of maintaining control and achieving the Prime Aims. This objectification is achieved because of our lack of empathy. I no sooner can relate to how an iMac feels as to how you feel. I have no concern about whether my Mont Blanc pen feels. It is there to perform. I have a vested interest in you feeling for the purposes of providing fuel, but I am not concerned as to how you feel because I cannot empathise with you.

This objectification manifests not just in how we parade you as a trophy, devalue you without any concern for the impact on you and then how we dis-engage and replace you, but also in the way we interact with you. The use of pet names Pet is a way of dehumanising you. We refer to you as her, she, he and him, rather than your actual name, stripping you of identity (see It for an extreme method of doing so). We reject the legitimacy of your needs and desires by placing ours first. A fridge freezer has no aspirations, no life plan or goals and we reject their applicability to you also. This objectification appears in how we interact with you, especially during devaluation

“Just do it.”

“Do what I want.”

“Get on with it.”

“Stop disobeying me.”

“You will do it or else.”

There is no asking, no politeness, no consideration given. We do not ask the washing machine if it wouldn’t mind washing our clothes so why would we ask you if you wouldn’t mind doing something for us?

You and everybody else, from our parents to our friends, to our colleagues to our children are all objects which are expected to do our bidding. Perform and we will keep you. Fail and you are replaced.

Now, why is there a flashing light on your forehead?

 

34 thoughts on “The Expanded Narcissistic Truths – No. 6

  1. Cindy says:

    Will you please, if you can, explain the entire “superior being” concept? Why does a narcissist see themselves this way? Why are they entitled because they’re superior?

    Basic biology dictates that any living organism that needs another to sustain life, or even quality of life, is parasitic. A superior organism is one which is self-sufficient and depends on no others for anything they need.

    Being able to spin awe-inspiring fantasy worlds around another person is deceitful drama, and nothing more than that. Intentionally hurting another person for your own satisfaction isn’t a superiority trait either.

    It comes from a total lack of confidence? And a lack of empathy embedded at some early, impressionable age when the world seemed out of control, so the child was forced to create their own imaginary world that was safe and secure? Just a guess.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is a parasitic symbiotic engagement. The need for superiority is based on the need to control. By being above others one is better placed to control and we must control our environments to ensure everything is as it needs to be to enable us to exist.

  2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    The narc simply told me “oh, she is just gonna do all the work for me” …

    Little did I know that hard work would be on her back.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Was she painting the Sistine Chapel Dr Q?

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        No, I can confidently say that she was not.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        She was going to willingly spread her legs for him – because that’s what friends do?

  3. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    Mr. Enlightened …Mr. I love to help people…is treating this woman that he is banging like a tool.

  4. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    So, I saw someone from my past recently and he is most def. a narcissist. What I find so ridiculous about my recent interaction with him is that he was acting all “enlightened” and like he was some guru lol and he thinks he has figured out how the brain works and now he “controls” it lol. This woman that he is banging of course is his cheerleader and said that he ran circles around his neurologist – who doesn’t know what he is talking about lol. The narc then proceeded to tell me that he is currently drug free and clean while telling me five seconds later he just popped Adderall and Xanax and smoked weed lol. He then proceeded to tell me that ADHD is not real and that he “cured” his ADHD with his mind! This gets better….he then told me his anger stemmed from his cerebellum. Which for the record has absolutely nothing to do with that………it has to do basically with coordination.

    Oh but this gets even better. He then calls me from a number I don’t recognize and tells me how his ex drug addict current outpatient bang buddy asked if him and I have ever had sexual relations. Then, the narc proceeded to tell me that she was probably fishing for a threesome. He then tried to throw in how he always found me attractive. Oh….wait and that now he is looking for something more serious with someone lol.

    I was then informed by my sociopath friend that the narc told him a few days ago that his bang buddy is going to try and help him obtain some “camera” by sleeping with a guy who might finance this “camera” – note that he is in “production”….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      So many indicators there.

      You must have struggled to resist such intellect and charm!

      1. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        Oh, I know right?

        I remember him flying into these monster fits over the most ridiculous things when we were teenagers.

        I remember him smearing me when he would ultimately get turned down by me.

        He would tell everyone what a manipulative – mindfucking bitch I was.

      2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

        “I would be terrible at cheating on a girlfriend” – “I couldn’t ever do that”…

        Mind you I remember his cracker-jack ass being all over me whem he had a girlfriend – lemme put it that way. I mean hey to be be fair that was in high school but let’s be real – he hasn’t changed lol.

  5. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,

    You may as well buy a talking robot and an adult rubber doll, that’s how dehumanised we are.

    You’ll still get your fuel and ” it’s ” cheaper to run .

    Blunt, brutal, but to the point !

    (I’m so glad my narcissist replaced me!)

    1. SuperXena says:

      Hello Bubbles,

      I understand what you mean.
      They see us as objects because they believe( think) that we are disposable/ replaceable. This is due to their inability of attaching themselves emotionally.
      On the other hand, an inanimate object ( as a doll or a robot as you say) would not give them the wide spectrum of (spontaneous or conditioned) emotional responses and feelings ( sadness, happiness,despair,pain, love,hate,frustration etc.)that they are seeking when provoking you. Even just the knowledge of this wide spectrum of possible emotions /responses gives them in itself fuel.

      So actually they are dependent on us.
      Without us: no emotions, no fuel.

      In some way they make us like human ( endowed with life and spirit) robots since they condition us to respond in certain ways but what is crucial to them still remains: human emotional responses.

      1. Bubbles🍾 says:

        Dear SuperZena,

        Thankyou so kindly for your response, you explained that beautifully.

        💜

        1. SuperXena says:

          Your welcome Bubbles.

      2. Bubbles🍾 says:

        My apologies, SuperXena, my auto correct does what it wants, bit like a narcissist😂

  6. Ugotit says:

    But appliances don’t have emotions otherwise u could date a microwave oven or a hairdryer

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is the functionality, the expectation of the required response each time.

  7. Catherine says:

    Great and informative article HG! I certainly recognise being treated as an object by my narcissist. I was never a separate person to him. On the other hand I’m the other way around. I humanise objects. Ha, ha.. I talk to appliances sometimes, being used to living by myself, and I’m not sure I should admit to this but I’ve actually made friends with my toaster and I talk to it every morning, urging it on while drinking my coffee and waiting for those perfect slices of toast;)

  8. Like others are petrol pumps just lined up for your Bentley Mulsanne selves.

  9. Recovering Narcoholic says:

    Chilling. And hard to accept. But absolutely accurate. And it explains everything.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Recovering Narc–Chilling. And hard to accept.

      ^ yassssssssssss. agreed, the acceptance is so hard. logically i know i must. emotionally i do not want it to be true. thus i get ensnared in my own circular demise of self blame, if-only, ya-but, or i can fix it.

      1. Recovering Narcoholic says:

        Tappan Zee — You have to remember that, as an object, you were not allowed to be an active partner in the relationship. You were simply supposed to function on demand, like the television. A television can’t “fix” the behavior of the person using it. All it can do is shut down when it’s over-used. That’s essentially what going No Contact is. You are absolutely not to blame. And torturing yourself with “if-onlys” is just perpetuating the illusion created by the narc. Try to keep pushing yourself into logical rather than emotional thinking, and you’ll get to acceptance. (That’s what I keep telling myself, anyway!)

  10. Elaine Baylis-Slade says:

    🙂 <3

  11. geyserempath says:

    This was just what I needed when I needed it, HG. Knowing I am objectified and it’s not personal, makes it so much easier to heal. I am a shelved IPSS. Am I correct that a narc only has the energy to pursue one appliance at a time? (mine is a lesser victim), therefore I am being shelved because he is pursuing a newer, shinier IPSS? It explains so much. I am not jealous, I actually feel sorry for the new appliance because he is going to do the same thing to her!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, we have various appliances in our fuel matrices but the lower echelon narcissists will tend to only focus on one or two intimate appliances compared to higher echelon narcissists who will have more irons in the fire.

      1. geyserempath says:

        Thank you for the clarification, HG!

  12. Becky says:

    And yet, somehow it still hurts to be seen as a malfunctioning appliance. My features are still up to date. If you want an iPhone instead of an Android, that’s fine, but it doesn’t mean I’m malfunctioning.

  13. Patrizia says:

    I feeling like a pièce of ice, after reading this!
    It all makes sense! He didn’t call me “Patrizia”, instead he would shout “Paaa”, even when the car broke down; he wasnt trying to be funny . It was done deliberately!
    He used me the whole time! He ordered me to drive 1 hr and 45 min, or decided to spend his sundays on his own! I didn’t deserve anything; he was Superior in his ways. He was embarrasing on 99% of the time I spent with him.
    I hate him and hope he gets what he deserves!

  14. Tappan Zee says:

    You want to be someone to my kind and me.

    That will not happen.

    You are a something to us, not a someone.

    ^ Devastating to grasp this. Still am processing. Hard.

    1. Caroline says:

      It’s the hardest thing for me to grasp too, TZ. I’m not sure I will ever fully grasp it. It’s so hard to absorb that they never did care or connect. You are an object to use. That’s all. Even now, the concept feels unreal, impossible even – my own emotional memories of the relationship are so different. But I know it’s true – it’s like he was reading a script the whole time he was my BF. I get how awful that reality feels.

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        Sweet Caroline –It’s so hard to absorb that they never did care or connect. You are an object to use. That’s all. Even now, the concept feels unreal, impossible even…

        ^ a thousand times yes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    2. Wavey says:

      Yes, and for so many of us who are ACONS, this is a repetition compulsion from childhood. We put ourselves in this position again and again in relationships until we WAKE UP!

    3. Nuit Étoilée says:

      Yes.. extremely painful.. and from you, too HG bc I want you to be different – the one we can turn to.. While I know we can trust you, your advice is beyond reproach, this post hurts.. and makes it difficult to retain a desire to interact w you..

      I know I’m nothing but an appliance, you’ve told us over and over.. but it still hurts..

      ..and I still choose to love you – it’s reconciling that desire (bc i refuse to stop being a love devotee) but truly understand there is no hope for recompense nor change – which is the ultimate test – to love without hope for anything in return.. (from a safe distance 😉 )

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