I See Sanctuary


When I first meet you and I look into your eyes I find a certain sanctuary. Your optimistic eyes seem like paradise to me. I can see the hope, the desire and the adoration burning in your eyes. Be they brown, blue, green or grey I can see the promise of salvation. That is why I try so hard to win you over. I apply everything I can think of to ensure that you stay with me so I can gaze deep into your eyes and drink the delight, trust and admiration that flows from them. You have no idea how much I need to see those things. The more I show you love, affection and how interested I am in you, the greater the radiance that shines towards me and the sanctuary that you have created for me remains in place. It surrounds and protects me, keeping the pain and the hurt at bay. It is a simple formula; I shower you with affection and attention and you return to me that magical protection in the form of how you look at me. The admiring glance across the restaurant table, the wide-eyed desire when we are in bed together, the simmering passion as I undress you and the sheer adoration as you quicken your pace to cross a room or a road to meet me. I need that place of safety and respite. A sanctuary where I know that the whispering, taunting voices will be silenced. A place of salvation where that cold-fingered dread cannot grip my throat and silence my scream of terror. Those draining shades that manifest from a past which I try to consign into oblivion cannot reach me in this place. That is what I hope for and believe every time somebody new enters my life. If I can just keep you sending me the power and the protection arising from those magnificent eyes then I will be safe. I apply my every effort to maintaining that gaze which will keep the darkness and the foul creatures lurking amongst it at bay. Everything I do is geared around making you feel happy, loved and wanted so that you will keep looking at me in that way and preserving my sanctuary.

Yet, no matter how hard I try, notwithstanding every effort I apply to maintaining your state of joy and happiness, you let me down. Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope that this time the sanctuary will be permanently preserved and each time you fail me. Why do you do this to me when I try so damn hard for you? The burning admiration that you exhibited towards me suddenly dims. The adoration that blazed across the room has lost its intensity. The shining lustre of desire has become dulled. You do this to me and in so doing you turn the key of the gates, lift the heavy bar and push them open. You do this on purpose don’t you? You breach the citadel so that the screeching, moaning and howling tormentors that have gathered beyond its walls are admitted to assault me once again as they try to pull me into the abyss of insanity. The craven creatures slither forward, their mucus-covered tendrils slipping and sliding as they seek me out, determined to coil about me and drag me silent with terror into that place I must not go. Why do you do this to me? What have I done to deserve this treatment? All I have ever done is love you with a perfect love to cause you to generate that sanctuary and now, with no warning or help, you allow the paradise to be violated by those that seek to harm me.

I am left with no option but to fight them. To muster my strength and seek to defeat these agents of darkness by gathering my rage and anger. I must lash out in all directions, often and without restraint in order to stop my tormentors from destroying me. It matters not who is caught up in this frenzy, it is incidental whether you or anyone else finds themselves collateral damage from my necessary defence of my being. I fight and fight and fight, it is exhausting but it must be done. I have to survive until the next promise of sanctuary is identified and drifts my way. There I will find peace and a place to restore my waning strength. Is it you? Perhaps this time the sanctuary will remain intact.


84 thoughts on “I See Sanctuary

  1. Yolo says:

    Nuit…knowledge is our greatest weakness. We have access to so much information without revelation.
    to one’s knowledge,according to the information available to one: To my knowledge he hasn’t been here before.

  2. Dandelion says:

    BKK Thank you very much for your comment.
    I also believe there’s a potential sleeping down there….
    Every new born come to life fully equipped of unconditional love, harmony and decency.
    In time We adults often pollute theme with our over-structures and rules based on WHAT IS SOCIALLY ACCEPTED AND EXPECTED.
    In NARCS’ case (and empaths’ too???) it’s like a sort of delusional imprinting that affects a child’s existance.
    It leads that child to an alternative and more substainable reality that lives in his mind. An escaping road to that initial pure lifedream.
    Life gave us all the potential.
    What changes is our path through the labirynth.
    How we react to different facts and situations. Of course what happens to us is important. Our envitonment and family conditionate in such a deep way that we often think we have no way out.
    But we have!
    A self-aware NARC that tries to know and consider his “survivors’ ” point of view is the first step out of the darkness.
    (Are there any other self-aware NARCS writing on this site?)
    So many empaths and codipendents dealing with their own rage, hate or devastation in order to understand their beloved and believed abuser’s perspective is another step towards awarness.
    There’s no problem with no solution, I think.
    I just need to abandon the idea to have the power and the omnipotence to work it out by myself.
    Everyone has his own piece of the puzzle!
    Every piece is necessary to complete it. The final idea. The answer i think we all are all looking for….
    I thank everybody for his own piece….

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      It gives me comfort, Dandelion, to see the ways in which we share our thoughts. Because as much as I believe we hold the power to change, like you say, I know I can only improve myself.

      But it is hard for me to not hold onto hope… without hope, we stop believing; we stop trying and as a result, we stop discovering. And I know you will agree, Dandelion, that there’s much to learn.

      To be able to see the significance of awareness is the first step… for any change which we might desire. So I hope HG doesn’t feel as if we are pressuring him. (Do Greaters even notice that?) But I hope he sees that we all want to heal, separately yet together. And because he holds the power of awareness and presents with a higher intellect, it gets exciting to see the potential for change, even if just a bit.

      I’m ashamed to admit to you that I am one of those empaths who has rage. (But I rarely release it out of kindness to others.) I most want to bring about peace, but as much as my heart is full of love, it also knows hate. Many will imply that a true empath can’t feel hate as they also believe that the narcissist can’t feel much of anything… especially love. But I just can’t embrace that stance, and I appreciate that you also share this view.

      Like you, I see it more as a connection loss than a non-existence. (Not that there is a blanket explanation for all narcissists as they seemed to be wired in a variety of ways.) HG will probably not reveal, but I sense that during his early years, he was a very sensitive little boy. One who felt fully… one who took criticism to heart more so than the others. This is why I hurt for him so much when he hints at his childhood abuse.

      But I bet MatriNarc does not feel that she was as hard on him as he states. We all are aware how most abusers won’t acknowledge their behaviors, so they rewrite history. My own non-narcissist mother does this. She was a caring, attentive mom in some ways but very tough, critical and self-absorbed in other ways. When my sister and I bring up some of her antics from long ago, she simply can’t remember. Well, she chooses not to remember.

      So I feel for HG there as I’m sure his relationship with his mother would more than keep a healing wound open. But when we are honest about our own issues, we can see how the narcissist and empath aren’t so different. Yet the differences are paramount. Thankfully. I’m only trying to say that I see how my wounds allowed me to have been drawn to someone who treated me with little respect. Because even after I knew of his ways, I allowed him to continue to mistreat me. So as much as I hope for change, I hope as much for myself.

      But I am fully aware it takes more than just hope. Change requires action. And I’m trying to stay active. Fortunately, we now know that the brain is more plastic than we once believed, so we humans have abilities beyond what we have thus far seized. I’m excited for what the future will bring as we learn more about adaptation, genetics and environmental exposures.

      A world of change awaits us all. So thank you, Dandelion, for participating in our little Empath Convention. Just because it was a party of two, makes it no less significant to me.

      Thank you for taking the time to respond, Dandelion, and for sharing your enlightening views.

  3. Dandelion says:

    Sorry for re-sending. I couldn’t visualize the first sending on comments.
    I don’t know what it is due to.

    1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

      I am so glad you re-sent Dandelion. I too have had issues with my comments not going through, so I’ve had to try to recall what I wrote in effort to resubmit. Naturally, this will leave me wondering that if I must struggle to remember my words, maybe my point wasn’t very important! This post to you may also represent one of those times, so please bear with me.

      (I also have comments that stay in moderation as I think I might be the “one repeat offender” HG mentioned, although I’m still not sure of which rules I’ve broken? I don’t get easily offended though as I respect HG’s opinion here. As time passes, I usually end up thinking that it’s probably best some of my comments stay private! And like the others, I am appreciative of his time and effort to help me. So I want to acknowledge that neither of us are complaining… just an understanding of how frustrating it is to have your comment go ‘poof’ into the outer space of the World Wide Web.)

      Back on point… I am happy you resent your post, Dandelion, as I too have the same thoughts. When you said, “The idealization phase you describe is so convincing that it would loose all its power if not deeply believed….” I liked the way you acknowledged this important component that often gets overlooked.

      It’s not that I haven’t accepted that the fellow I was involved with is a full-blown narcissist, brimming with contempt for anyone who slights him. I have finally come to grips with that harsh reality. But there is something more to them. Narcissists are much more layered than what is often portrayed.

      And while I have yet to fully understand mine, the connection between us was real. No one will convince me otherwise. It was a human connection… built out of need, and yes, his deception… but there are components to what we shared that were sincere, even if only for a moment.

      In his mind, I think he really did believe that he had found “the one.” Of course, my title was short-lived as most of them can’t seem to understand that when we wound them, it is often a result of our reaction to THEIR hurtful behaviors. (If only they would learn about empaths in the same way we’ve tried to understand them!)

      I certainly appreciate what I have learned here regarding how that wounding feels to a narcissist. And I understand that false hope can seriuosly misguide someone, but most people are able to decipher that “love” also falls on a spectrum. Therefore, I agree that it is reasonable to assume that some narcissists really do believe that what they feel is love. Even considering infatuation, doesn’t that pretty much fool us all into believing we are in love? Maybe the narcissist simply can’t move past infatuation, into a meaningful, deeper love. But what he feels has to be more than just what’s required for manipulation of fuel, right? Maybe not each time he is in seduction, but surely some of the time? So I still choose to believe that it can feel like genuine love to some narcissists; I just have to remind myself that everyone loves differently. (And especially never forget just how BIG that difference is!)

      I also want to believe that many of them could have more control over their behaviors, it’s just easier (and more fun) not to. Temptation gets to us all, at any given time, no matter where we fall on the spectrum of narcissism. To deny that is to deny being human. Temptations come in all forms, however. Divulging in a pound of chocolates seems mild compared to the temptations that others can’t seem to resist, especially a narcissist whose moral compass points in only one direction. But in ways, I’m no better as I certainly fell to temptation with mine. It works because of the energy they bring to the seduction. They have the same longing for what we want… we empaths who can feel so easily, who love so thoroughly. It works because our wounded energies match. We simply pair well. Ugh!

      I know I’m a hopeless romantic, but it’s not really that hard to see their ways, even when they blindside us. It’s just incredibly hard to understand. I knew that during our Golden Period, he was being manipulative, working me over like a fresh piece of bubblegum, flattering me in a calculated way to get what he wanted. He was rushing me. I sensed that he was laying it on thick just to get me to lie down. I saw that clearly, but I also saw a bit of hope in his eyes… there was something there that was sincere.

      Because like you stated, had he not believed in it himself, I don’t think the bullshitter would have been able to convince me. As you say, the seduction would lose its power if they didn’t have some belief that we could be the one to heal their wounds. But we can’t. That has to come from within themselves. If they could ever learn to fill that hole and patch the bottom, we’d have something to work with. But like cheese and wine or peanut butter and jelly, I know that any great pairing comes with an expiration date… unless it’s a Twinkie and fruitcake. So while I won’t give up on hope, I remind myself that most of them will remain hopeless… because it’s just easier that way.

      (But the advanced mind of a Greater… now there’s some potential there. No doubt in my mind.) Thank you, Dandelion, for helping me to not feel so alone in my thoughts.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        No BKK it is not you. Many people have comments in moderation either because

        1. I have not had time to moderate because I have been about other matters ; or
        2. Rule 13

        With regard to the serial offender I was referring to the deletion of comments. Very few comments are deleted, but this individual’s comments form the majority of the comments that are deleted.

      2. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        OK. I truly appreciate that.

        But after all that… after everything I wrote and no comment on the whole love issue? No spark of correction elicited or needed? You got nothing for me?

        I hope I didn’t just now break Rule 13, whatever that is? Is that like File 13… where it’s so bad it goes straight into the trash?

        I’ll be lookin’ that one up… but thanks, sincerely, for all that you do.

      3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        And you know we empaths think we’re at fault for everything. I have catholic guilt and I’m not even Catholic.

  4. Dandelion says:


    You are aware of your condition and you perfectly know your schemas of behaviour during every new relationship.

    I would like to ask you: do you actually believe that your loved one will save you from yourself and that you finally have found the Twin soul of your existance?

    I mean it looks like a mind gap, an illusion. But you describe that idealized woman in such a convincing way that i wonder if you really convinced that everything will go fine forever this time
    (Meaning every time you proclame a new IPPS and you enthisiasm reaches the Sky).

    How would this illusion work if not deeply believed by your consciousness?

    It sounds like you telling yourself a story you know you must believe if you want to survive.

    It sounds like me telling myself my relationship with the NARC was ok while o perfectly knew it never was.

    It would be interesting knowing from your perspective how it works for you.

    Thank you for your kind response.

  5. Dandelion says:

    HG ,
    You are aware of being a NARC.
    You are aware that you will repeat your schemas and patterns during a new relationship.
    Anyway, do you actually believe your own illusion to have found your Twins soul every time you find a new IPPS?
    Despite your awarness, is there a part of you that is convinced that this time things will go fine foever?
    The idealization phase you describe is so convincing that it would loose all its power if not deeply believed….
    It would be kind of you to let us know about….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, hitherto I have as this is a manifestation of emotional thinking. Maybe this will now alter however.

      1. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        HG, I’m like a narcissist when he sniffs out that an empath is in the vicinity. Did I just pick up a scent? You know how I am drawn to hope.

        Perhaps I misunderstood your reply to Dandelion, but do I sense a potential for a breakthrough? A wee-tiny crack of an opening?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It remains to be seen.

      2. MLA - Clarece says:

        Have you noticed anything altering over the last couple years in what you seek out in your targets since you have been in therapy and interacting with your readers through the blog and consults?

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. Clarece says:

            I recently read this quote by you, listed on Goodreads:
            “In discussion with Dr O I have learned that it blossoms from two things. The first is that this feeling of massive vulnerability and wretchedness still persists and I cannot stand it. I think this is peculiar to me because God has made me brilliant but He wishes to remind me of my mortality and therefore causes me to feel such a horrendous pain when I am attacked. It sickens me and leaves me wracked with agony.”
            Nothing has changed with your therapy over the last few years now with how you seek out your targets. What about internally coping with with this core shame? Has therapy helped you in anyway yet to harness it so as not to feel so massively encompassing?

  6. angela says:

    I think all N know from what is going to happen from the beggining..Love..Devalation..and Start againg..if they can….
    So..i dont think this letter is writing from N..with honesty..
    It is hipocrit..
    It would be more a empatic letter..after meet a N

    1. Dandelion says:

      I Think all of theme try to repeatedly live the initial phase of idealization for their intire life!
      That because they constantly look for someone or something that would save theme from the outside!
      Of course it is an illusion!
      Nothing but themeselves could ever save theme!
      The same thing is true for us all.
      Our NARC will never save us!
      The responsability of healing our own inner and ancient wound is only ours….

  7. Medusa says:

    He told me that my eyes were transparent … that they had brightness and tenderness when looking at him, sometimes, while he and I talked and looked at him, he asked me to stay that way, frozen looking into his eyes, as if to prolong the moment , in each new adventure with other women I discovered, I could see that spark in their eyes, as if it were a requirement I was looking for, right, HG? …

  8. mb says:

    This is so true! Ouch! He used to stare waaaaay too long it made me uncomfortable . One of his favorite songs he sent to me which I NOW see differently wasPeter Gabriel’s ‘in your eyes’ at the time ( love bombing) I thought it was the epitome of romance but THANK YOU HG .Now I understand it was literal and creepy . What do you think? https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=s9CD4_3wChM now that I think of it, most of the songs he wooed me with have alternate truths only understood post escape.

    1. Deepsigh says:

      Debbie Wolf….sorry there was no comment button on her comments….but I want to say I totallly second your comment about never say never! And I’m damn glad I found this author because he has given me more insight than any so called psych major! And that is a fact!

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Thank you DS.

      2. mb says:

        Deepsigh I agree! HG is worth 1000 psych’s etc. I pray he , and all narcissists , and empaths find the peace of unconditional love . It does exist but not perfectly in mankind, even though it’s there for the taking it’s elusive. Thank You HG there’s no one like you, never will be. You’re the only ‘HG ‘there EVER will be. (Ha ha I rhymed. )

      3. DebbieWolf says:

        Hello DeepSigh

        Thank you.✌
        Defo never say never.
        We just never know when or if lightening could strike …for want of a way of putting it.
        It takes one second for an event to unexpectedly unfold.. which will change everything.
        We never can tell.
        Keep eyes peeled..ears pricked.

        Yes me too regarding HG.
        He is fabulous and he has helped me in so many ways. I literally feel I couldn’t have managed as thoroughly as i have if without him.
        I hold him in high esteem for all he has done.
        He is a powerful ally and a valuable person.
        I wont go on about it .. everyone and him will end up yawning! Hahaha.


      4. Tappan Zee says:

        “This author” 😳

        1. Deepsigh says:

          This author….meaning HG….I’m glad I stumbled upon his books and articles….that’s what I meant. Was that your question…?

  9. Deepsigh says:

    H.G……After I read this article….I saved it in my notebook because it is so rare to catch a glimpse of insight like this into the Narcissist! And I want to read it several more times…..,really let it sink in! Such a nice piece of writing….just wow!

  10. K says:

    “Each time someone new appears I am given renewed hope”

    HG, Never trust to hope, she is an imposter to us both.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed. I have come to realise that.

      1. DebbieWolf says:

        Then why keep on HG?
        Why keep looking if you have no hope at all?
        Why not stay with who you already have.
        You have enough to go between for fuel so why embark on any new aquisitions?
        Are you really that sure that hope is lost?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because I have to. Because I become bored. Because people let me down.

      2. DebbieWolf says:

        HG…ah…thinking more on this I guess you keep searching even if no hope because ‘all is as the fuel dictates’.

      3. Noname says:

        “Because I have to. Because I become bored. Because people let me down”.

        So painful. Ehh…

    2. Whatjusthappened says:

      You are both wrong. Or should be wrong.

      What I mean by that is if people didn’t screw each other over so much, life would be ok. Relationships would be ok. Narcissists imagine this whole thing of distrust. HG himself has even said a person would leave a narc only on rare instances, so they imagine these fallacies themselves. Us as victims on the other hand, we fight fight fight to survive AFTER the REAL betrayal that the narc has brought upon us. I wish that they could see that what they do is cowardly. Everyone has demons that they have to beat off. The way that narcs go about life only adds those demons. The souls behind those gates aren’t just from childhood, they are an accumulation of wronged souls that you have taken.

      1. BurntKrispyKeen says:


        Whatjusthappened, you speak my truth here. I agree on how you see the similarities of the two sides. It boils down to fear… the fear we all have of abandonment.

        But it is how we manifest that fear that most matters.

        If both sides could become less fearful, maybe we could hold onto real reasons to trust again…. maybe we could actually stop hurting each other.

        Because as you said, we must carry the wounds of others whether we want to or not. I told mine this exact thing when he told me that he would always protect my heart, by placing my heart inside of his… where as he saw it, my heart always belonged.

        When he broke it, I told him I wanted my heart back, but he would now have to carry that broken piece forever within his.

        I believe we carry that burden when we hurt another. I know I have to carry the weight of the pain that I have caused others. And it hurts me greatly to do so.

        You said it well, Whatjusthappened.

        And this revelation written by HG was beautiful, yet sad. Poignant. Raw. Tender.

        When I read this article, I wept for him… and for all of us. If only we could all try a little harder, maybe just maybe, there could be less pain.

    3. Whatjusthappened says:

      Re: renewed hope… That goes for us all. Narcs and empaths are really similar in our wounds. The absolute difference though is on our approach is in how we deal with it. Because otherwise, both sets are looking for a savior. We are both unhealthy in the level of need that we put in others to fuel us.

      1. Deepsigh says:

        Whatjusthappened…..you are so right! Like dead ON!

      2. Deepsigh says:

        Re: renewed hope… That goes for us all. Narcs and empaths are really similar in our wounds. The absolute difference though is on our approach is in how we deal with it. Because otherwise, both sets are looking for a savior. We are both unhealthy in the level of need that we put in others to fuel us.

        You are so right and I feel the same way!

    4. Lou says:

      Thank you K. I was going to comment on that. I actually did comment on it in a previous post but HG did not publish it.

      HG, have you gotten rid of that rascal hope? 😉

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Most of the time Lou.

        1. DebbieWolf says:


          Please try not to give up all hope. No one ever knows for sure what is ahead you know. Please if only a glimmer, keep hold.

          We follow you H because you teach us that all is not completely lost and that we can keep going..in a change of direction etc.
          You lead us in possibilities..
          So keep a glimmer for yourself too..try to.

          Of course this is hard for us all to do at times and often we cannot keep it up but. . .

          Listen, ‘Never say never’…that includes You HG.
          We all want the best for each of us..in this quest we are united.🛡

      2. K says:

        That rascal hope is always lurking about. Right now I am giving her the silent treatment, however, I am sure I will paint her white again in the future.

      3. Nuit Étoilée says:

        I can never give up on hope.. she is my sister..

        Once I asked my narc lion what he thought was the greatest human weakness.. his response? “Lack of empathy” (ohh.. the irony..)

        ..when he asked me mine, I said “that fear is so powerful.. bc if it were not.. perhaps love would win over fear more often..”

        What would you say is the greatest human weakness, HG?

        *though i’m interested in everyone’s response

        1. HG Tudor says:


      4. Twilight says:

        Do you have hope HG?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I seek to remove it as often as I can.

          1. Twilight says:

            Why is this? Is it a reminder of a time when you hoped and no one did anything?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            In part and because hope is an imposter for reasons hitherto explained.

          3. Twilight says:

            Thank you HG
            I believe I understand

          4. HG Tudor says:

            Jolly good.

          5. Twilight says:

            I love that saying and have no idea why

          6. K says:

            Me too, Twilight. I also like “Excellent well”.

          7. Twilight says:

            Ha ha so do I, there are a few others I like to.

      5. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        I can’t seem to give up on hope. Some days it feels as if it is the only thing I have left. I realize that “hope” in itself is not a plan, but coupled with organized action and sincere effort, I am able to still hold onto hope.

        Hope for becoming a better person.
        Hope for healing.
        Hope for being more aware.
        Hope for Mother Earth to become a better home for us all… Hope for a peaceful existence in this world.

        Hope in finding love again.

        But what an interesting question you proposed, Nuit Étoilée!

        For me right now, I have to say our greatest weakness is trust. It’s disheartening how an encounter with a narcissist can remove the innocence and taint us so, but yep… it has to be trust for me. Not long ago, I used to see the offering as courageous… to be able to give the gift of trust.

        What was once my geatest strength is now my greatest weakness.

        From here forward, I will never trust the same again.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Far better to do than hope.

          Become a better person. Do not hope you will BKK. You have more chance from doing rather than hoping. You also have the tools to achieve this.

      6. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Thank you for your words of encouragement.
        I am trying, but I struggle everyday.

        The flesh is weak HG.

        1. K says:

          BKK & Nuit Étoilée

          For now I have painted hope and trust black. I will never trust the same ever again and the flesh is weak but the spirit is willing. We must fight those temptations to give in. Tally ho!

      7. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Thank you BKK for such a thoughtful response. K, I truly appreciate you, and Twilight, too! *so much excellent company here…

        I find strength through weakness then.. and I see fear behind losing hope and trust.. Fear of a repeat experience..

        When one says “I have nothing left but hope” – if that hope allows energy to grow that provides the ability to do something, it is the weakness (hope) that allows one to escape a situation.. When we feel all is lost is when we often feel we are “hopeless”..

        I am very much a woman of action, so hope does not stand alone. And I refuse to allow a narc to take away my trust.. but rather trust more in my own instinct.. so I do not misplace that trust..


        1. K says:

          Nuit Étoilée
          You are right. I trust myself and my instincts and that makes me feel like I have more control and I won’t misplace trust ever again and you are correct when you wrote that hope doesn’t stand alone; we must also take action.


      8. Jenna says:

        Nuit etoilee,
        Greatest human weakness is emotional thinking

      9. BurntKrispyKeen says:

        Thank you all for you words of wisdom.

        It intrigues me how we are strangers yet connected through this unique experience.

        It’s like having a kidney stone. You know that it’s bad, but unless you’ve actually experienced one yourself, you can’t really understand the pain. Not exactly the club to which I aspired to belong, but I must say… the members have been fantastic. (Assets – as I think I heard HG refer to you in another post.)

        I continue to gain much needed strength from your stories, and I respect your advice as I know we all share similar pain, regardless of how far along we are in our healing.

        That’s why I appreciate being here as it has been most beneficial to me since I seem to bounce all over the place with my progress. I only wish I had found this site sooner, but if you think some of my posts are long now… well, timing is everything – I guess.

        I was so raw and bitterly tender that nobody needed to have suffered exposure to me back then. (Yes. I was actually worse than I am now.)

        You can lead a mare to water but you can’t make her drink. I suppose I landed here when I was finally thirsty enough to be able to lap up the knowledge from the Fountain of Wisdom. And more importantly, as you say… actually be able to attempt to put HG’s advice into action.

        Healing from narcissistic abuse is definitely a slow and lengthy recovery. But since visiting here, I know I have closed the gaping wound’s edges a wee bit closer.

        So thank you all, and a special thanks to you, HG, for your hospitality, generosity and profound insight.

        Here, I see sanctuary.

  11. Jenny says:

    I don’t much believe in the demon theory it seems you can’t connect with the real you because it has been disconnected and denied existence. Jenny

  12. Natalie says:

    This gives me chills because in the midst of devaluation, he would sometimes rock and talk to himself quietly..He told me that ,”they were coming” and that there was “no going back”…Damn!

    1. Brian says:

      Did you ask him who ‘they’ were?

  13. Deepsigh says:

    Wow! I must say that was beautiful and saddening at the same time! Deep sighhhh!!!! Sometimes life just doesn’t seem fair! And yes….WHY? Very beautifully illustrated!

  14. DebbieWolf says:

    *woman* not women!!!!! ..

    But hey, maybe the wierd autocorrect is a message from the universe!💔

  15. Blank says:

    I often think that narcissists are schizofrenic. My last Nex used to always mention, or listen to songs about demons, devils, tormentors, shadows, voices from the dark, vultures, etc.. I never understood this paranoia, maybe that is because I have a clear conscience.

    HG, the tormentors, are they in your thoughts (head) or do you also have visions that look like real experiences?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We are not schizophrenic.

      1. DebbieWolf says:

        Hahaha “we” 😁

      2. ava101 says:

        Could it come together, though??

        1. HG Tudor says:


      3. ava101 says:

        just like the “not paranoid for good reason”. 😉

      4. Blank says:

        Okay, thank you.

      5. ava101 says:

        I meant “paranoid for good reason”, without the “not” of course …

    2. Deepsigh says:

      lol …….you have to be kidding! Can you yiu really be serious? That last question was pretty funny……there is a such thing called metaphoric…..have you never heard the expression?

      1. Blank says:

        Hi Deepsigh, was your comment addressed to me? I sometimes do not quite get who is talking to who here.
        If it was meant for me, I am serious. Sure I know about metaphores. But I can not look inside other peoples minds. People can see ‘things’ that aren’t there for real. When my cousine was depressed and on medication she saw trees on her stairs. These are hallucinations, still for her the trees were there. My Nex husband used to have nightmares always. My last Nex always spoke of demons, he saw them in shadows. And I was asking HG if he had ‘visions’ too. Is that a weird question?

        1. Deepsigh says:

          Oh okay….I apologize I misunderstood your comment. My bad! 👍🏻

      2. Blank says:

        That’s okay Deepsigh X

    3. Medusa says:

      Blank, schizophrenia is a “psychiatric disease”, the hallucinations together with other alterations completely affect the quality of life of those who suffer from it, it has no cure, but it has treatment … Narcissism, it is not a disease, it is a way of being … HG my mother suffers from schizophrenia, for my family it has been very sad, I speak from my experience

      1. Blank says:

        Thanks Medusa. I am really sorry to hear your mother suffers from this. I can imagine this is very sad. My uncle suffered from it as well, the stories I heard were scary, but he is okay now (so it seems, I don’t hear anyone in the family talking about it anymore). Good luck Medusa, I hope your mother can be cured.xx

  16. DebbieWolf says:

    My ex used to say to me:
    “I love the look in your eyes. If only you knew how good it is for me to have the right women look at me the right way”.

    What a waste.


  17. Jojosmiles says:

    Dear HG,

    I will always be his sanctuary….I love him so much and would do anything for him. I am my middle age UMR’s longstanding girlfriend (co dependent IPPS) although we don’t live together.
    Does he truly believe that he actually loves me and I am the one? Will he ever disengage from me?
    He is afraid of losing me – I know this is true because I am reliably informed that when his DLS finished with him recently she told him it was because she had always known of my existence but he got annoyed with her and denied it.
    Do you think he has disengaged from her or has he shelved her? Will he restart their formal relationship? Is he going to leave me for her?

    Please, HG, I need your wonderful insight.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Yes he does think he loves you. He doesn’t.
      2. If you are the IPPS he will disengage.
      3. True but he isnt afraid of replacing you.
      4. Cannot say on the information provided. You will need a consultation for me to give you accurate insight.

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