Little Acons – No. 43
44 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 43”
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My mother finally left my father (a lesser narc) when he hit her, after years of emotional abuse.
She told my sister (her golden narc child), who was married to a (greater) narc herself but wanted to leave him, that at least he didn’t hit her, so she should stay and she did.
She told me the same thing when I told her about the emotional abuse I received from my (midrange) narc, but I knew it didn’t make sense so I didn’t listen to her.
I agree, abuse is abuse, it doesn’t matter in what form it’s given to you.
I have grown up witnessing physical abuse. It is much worse than subtle emotional abuse. There were also no visible scars frm the physical abuse eg. throwing lamps, strangling, suffocating. And w physical abuse comes walking on eggshells, not knowing when the next eruption will take place, feeling confused, scared all the time, afraid to speak up, not being able to do what u want else there is a risk of more physical abuse, being controlled, hiding, second guessing urself b4 speaking, becoming a doormat, getting feelings hurt and not being able to stand up for urself or risk another eruption, thus tolerating inexcusable behavior, having poor boundaries, withdrawing, depression, panic, self blame, suicidal ideation. So, w the physical abuse came emotional abuse also, a double whammy.
Jenna
Very sorry you had to go thru that. ❤️
Ty windstorm.
That was a “top phrase” of my childhood.
My Mother of Hell (she’s not a Narc) married my Patrinarc and realized that it was the biggest mistake in her life.
She decided to divorce him, but she realized she was pregnant. USSR system never “liked” divorces in general, not saying about divorces where the pregnant women or women with kids were concerned.
She went to hospital secretly and her colleague-friend aborted the fetus. They both thought, that the abortion was successful and she filed for divorce after that.
But. The abortion wasn’t successful and when she discovered it, it was too late to do something else. She stopped the divorce process and, in a couple of months, she gave me a life…
She was trapped in her marriage with my Patrinarc for forever. I was her trap. I bound her to him. I was a symbol of her disaster and a guarantee of unhappy life for her. She punished me for that. And she did it methodically and thoroughly. She never fought with my Patrinarc. She fought with me instead…
Interesting, it wasn’t my Patrinarc who almost “killed” me. She was. If not my Grandmother and Grandpatrinarc (her parents!), I don’t know what type of person I would be now.
Now, she tryes to amend her previous “wrong doings”. When she gave me her apology, I said “You can’t imagine how badly I wanted to hear those words many years ago. Now I needn’t them. I’ve healed myself. I don’t have any resentment toward you in my heart. I understand why you did to me what you did, albeit it isn’t an excuse. Being a mother myself, I know that no one, nothing in this world can force me to hurt my son. If you want my forgiveness, you have it. Be free”. And then she hugged me and cryed, cryed, cryed for whole hour and I felt nothing. I was indifferent.
Ohh I’m so sorry to hear that, what a sad story, Noname. 🙁 What a big heart you have. It’s no wonder at all that you feel indifferent.
Oh, no, Ava.
To have a big heart means to forgive without an indifference involvement. I don’t have such high level. It is for saints only and I’m not the one!
OMG Noname, my heart goes out to you XXX
NONAME—why do you say your mother is not a narc? i ask because of course she sounds like one, but also because i want desperately for my mother to not be a narc, i keep digging a hole to china trying to prove she is not. because that would be devastating and i would feel shame, but one artifact after another in my discovery points to the inevitable fact she is. do you feel the same desperate hope that maybe she actually cares and is not one? curious as that is my trap.
I see your point, Tappan Zee.
She grew as a naive, non-ambitious, idealistic and fragile empathic girl. She believed in love and was full of hope to meet her “knight in a shining armor”. She continues to read books about “perfect love” even now!
My Patrinarc “got” her in a classic Narc manner (seduction, promises, hearts-and-flowers, etc.). But. He was a very “tough” man for her. He broke her very quickly and in a harsh manner. She inhibited her positive emotions toward him and anything related to him, especially toward me. She became resentful and bitter person. Classic post traumatic syndrom.
She tryed to escape from harsh reality working at hospital day and night (she was a medical doctor). She hated her home, her unhappy life and especially me, who had trapped her there.
When she divorced my Patrinarc finally (I was 24 or 25), she started her journey to her “true self”. She’s made some progress in her recovery, but it isn’t impressive. It is too late. Some wounds never heal.
My aunt told me her mother,
my grandmother,
used to say that to her.
“ I wish I never had you.
You are a disappointment “
My aunt is a Contagion Empath, HSP
obviously the antithesis of my grandmother.
I am certain, also why only narcissistic men are drawn to her.
She is a true magnet for them.
My mother was never told that.
My mother is a normal, my father empathic.
I never saw any overt signs of narcissism in my grandmother.
She must have saved it all for my Aunt.
Such a statement, is hateful and cruel.
Fact, is such people,
should not have children to wield abuse upon.
I bet my narc mom feels this all the time!
She says often that she wants to take a knife and kill me…
Are you serious?? My god.. and you still see her?
Yeah I’m serious, she has said it around 3 times already.
I’ll be moving out of the house soon.
That is horrible! I am glad to hear you are moving out. Does your mother get help at all, she’s obviously not mentally stable. Be safe pianist!
She doesn’t want any help, she thinks that she’s perfect and that there’s nothing wrong with her :/
Thank you Blank! I’ll stay safe!
Pianist 20
I’ve forgotten. Do u have siblings?
Nope.
I’m an only child.
Thepianist20
So was I. Get away as soon as you can so they don’t have power over you. Maybe you will at least inherit when they die. That was my one big benefit.
But don’t let them control you with that. If you are the only child, that gives you a power. They won’t want to lose touch with you forever. Get out and away, but if they have land or money, I’d maintain some contact. It may profit you eventually, but it also may not. Just be sure to stay separate enough for your sanity. Good luck to you!
Sure Windstorm2,
Thank you for the support. The thing is they are very conditional, and I can’t trust them with anything and it makes me feel sad 🙁
I hope I’ll be able to move out soon.
Good luck to you too! 🙂
My mother did a variation of this one by often telling me how much she had wanted a child and looked forward to motherhood, until she had me and realized how wrong she had been and how she’d have been better off never to have had me.
Oh Windstorm…extremely cruel words from a mother to her daughter..to a child ..I feel for you.. An extreme case of abuse, one of the crudest..coming .from the person who you are suppose to trust the most. An abuse of trust…certainly it left its marks in you..
Superxena
I’m sure that I have a lot of psychic scars from my mother and just from my childhood altogether. It was very lonely and sad and caused me to belittle and undervalue myself for decades. But still, their was no physical violence, no physical abuse. It could have been a lot worse.
I think she actually was doing the best job as a mother that she was able. If I had been a little narc, I’m sure it would have been very different. As it was, I think everything about how I was and how i think and act was viewed as a criticism by her. I just couldn’t think and act like she wanted me to.
Hello Windstorm,
-You say: ” But still, their was no physical violence, no physical abuse. It could have been a lot worse.”
I have not been physical abused but don’t you think that psychological abuse is worse?
-What do you mean by: ” If I had been a little narc, I’m sure it would have been very different. ”
In which way do you think it would have been different?
– I understand what you mean with: ” I think she actually was doing the best job as a mother that she was able.”
She was doing her best according to her limitations( NPD).
Weren’t you the one that wrote the following?
“You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear.” No, but you can make a usable leather one.”
… this reminds me of something my Physics Teacher used to say:
“You can’t expect an apple tree giving oranges”
But it seems narcs can make you believe that…if you let them…
Best wishes
Superxena
I do not know if psychological abuse is worse than physical. Certainly emotional/psychological abuse is terrible to endure. What I meant with my statement was it could have been worse – I could have had to endure BOTH psychological and physical abuse, instead of just the one.
If I had been a narc, or willing to believe and do whatever I was told, I assume my mother would have been nicer, but perhaps I am wrong. A docile, obedient clone is what she thought she wanted. But we know how narcs are never happy for long with what they have, so she might have been just the same.
Yes, I said the silk purse/sow’s ear saying. I have always enjoyed colorful analogies. My mother had another saying I always liked, “You can’t get blood from a turnip.” That ones very fitting for when people expect love and emotional support from a narc!
I preferred physical abuse over emotional abuse. It was quicker to heal from the bruises.
Hello K,
I understand your point. I have not been physically abused so I do not know …that is why I am trying to get different perspectives.
It seems to me that when a person is physically abused there is also an underlying emotional abuse. A transgression of personal boundaries (as in emotional abuse)but it is more tangible leaving a physical scare that can be seen and shown( giving perhaps a sense of validation.) Being able to actually see the physical scares being healed helps perhaps in the process of healing. I really do not know…just thoughts..
SuperXena
Physical abuse seems easier to recover from, however, when you live with the abuser(s) you live in constant terror or fear of physical abuse, which is detrimental and can cause long lasting physical and emotional scars and the transgression of personal boundaries definitely has a detrimental impact. I lived in a constant state of terror in my early childhood and sometimes I would sleep under my bed or in my closet to hide from my abusive parents and siblings.
If I really look at it objectively, all types of chronic violence is detrimental.
K
Your answer fits with my observations of my friends who suffered physical or sexual abuse. It never really stands alone. There ends up being psychological abuse as well from the person thinking about the abuse and fearing it happening again. This fear works it’s way into your thinking and poisons you slowly. The bruises may heal quickly, but the hurt lingers for decades. Just my opinion.
WS2
You are absolutely right. It was so long ago that I forgot about the terror I felt living with my parents and I think it has affected me more than I realize.
Hello K,
I understand that in the case of repeated physical abuse the fear factor ( even if the abuse was not perpetrated sometimes but knowing it had happened and that could happen again) has a huge psycological detrimental factor that prevails even long time after .
This impact could be compared with the impact of i.ex.”just” intimidation.
In the case of intimidation, even if the action is not carried out, as long as the belief that the action could be carried out exists, psychological damage is still done.
In both cases this fear causes symptoms of C-PTSD.
K, I did not want to wake up these memories in you by asking..it was not my intention. By giving answers you can perhaps realise something that is helpful/ positive for you?
Thank you for your kindness, SuperXena. I do not mind sharing at all and I try to look at my past objectively. The exchange of information is vital so we can understand the dynamic and my childhood memories don’t really adversely affect me much on a conscious level, and I find the overall interaction here to be a very beneficial and positive experience.
Your welcome K.
I do find as well these interactions very insightful. I think that one of the (many) positive outcomes of these interactions is exactly that: being able to look back at all this with objectivity. If one reaches that point of objectivity the rest comes as a collateral effect…
Windstorm, you were treated horrendously, swimming w sharks growing up, and yet you have surpassed this hurt to healing & live such a happy life now – you give me such hope.. er.. make that I am impressed w how you have overcome to share your love. I aspire to this.
HG, I think you are awesome – in case you were jealous 😉 x
But still, their was no physical violence, no physical abuse. It could have been a lot worse.
^ @WS2. i disagree. it is also my pet peeve with abuse. when people ask: well was it physical? was it sexual? was it this or that. i hear their attempts at minimizing. also, as someone who has lived all forms of abuse, i “prefer” physical which includes sexual because there is touching. it is “easier” to identify. emotional and mental far less so. also, physical pain you can point to. physical assault has a beginning and an end. the mind games, machinations and manipulations of “lesser more appealing abuse” not so. i feel all abuse is poison. none is wrapped in pretty packages. all wounds. all harms, all kills. and is intended to do so. it is almost as if i “admire” physical and sexual abuse because it seems “honest.” like there you go. bam, i hurt you. alpha. omega. but the rest? insidious. hideous, grotesque and suffocating. without giving the appearance of such. dangerous. potent. toxic.
No Tappan Zee, we do not disagree on this. What I meant by saying it could have been worse, that at least I was not physically abused was that it would have been worse if I had had to suffer BOTH emotional and physical abuse.
Certainly emotional/psychological abuse is very damaging. It warps and distorts your entire concept of your self. Surely being made to feel that you are defective and crazy is very harmful.
I have never been physically abused, but I have friends who were. While they may not have been warped in the same way that I was, they were warped in another, perhaps equally damaging way. They tend to be impulsive, quick to judge and slow to trust. They end up with their own host of problems and don’t seem to be any better off than me. My opinion is that abuse is abuse. All forms are harmful and no one type is better than another.
Tappan Zee:
I agree 100 %.
And emotional / mental / verbal abuse is meanwhile often recognized as having much worse effects on the “victims” than physical abuse, also can (can!) have more often C-PTSD as a result.
Of course it is all just horrible and destructive, no question about it.
And then there is the combination of course which can be in effect mind splitting.
I agree especially that physical violence is easier to put a finger on, one knows what is happening, and it’s easier to explain to others. I lost a “brother” as he said to me that “only you can let yourself be hurt by words, it’s your own fault”. About the emotional abuse he simply said “you just can’t accept that he isn’t in love with you anymore, he told me that you can’t let go”.
An invisible trauma is not easy to explain. Insidious.
Windstorm:
I mean this in the nicest way: you seem sometimes to be still in a kind of “trance”, like … making light of things, or even blaming yourself. 🙁 You did have to suffer a lot of invisible abuse of the worst kind. 🙁 There is no need to excuse that. *sigh*
Ava101
You misunderstand me. I excuse no abuse. I excuse no abusers. Having suffered emotional abuse all my life I am fully aware of how horrible it is, how insidious it is and how hard it is to get over! I obviously should have typed an “also” in my comment that “at least I hadn’t suffered physical abuse – ALSO.” Because if I had suffered from both psychological and physical abuse my life would definitely have been much worse!
I am not in a trance. I see the world and people around me very clearly. 😄
Nuit Étoilée
Nice move. Covering your bases with HG. I am impressed with WS2 too.
Ah, okay, Windstorm, I’m glad. Yes, the “also” makes all the difference.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean “trance” like you have understood it. ;D
I meant hmm… a certain mindset or way to look at things, like … e.g. how my own mother tried to teach me to look at things.
🙂
That is awful Windstorm. She probably meant that she couldn’t deal with the responsibility. My mother would always say how much she’d preferred to be a man, meaning the same as your mother really, but she didn’t want to say it that way. She once did though and she also would say how she’d preferred to have boys. I think girls reminded her to much of her own childhood.
Blank
My mother much preferred boys to girls also. Always made me glad I didn’t have a brother, or my life really would have been hell. I don’t think it had to do with responsibility, though. My mother was happy to have a little girl. The problem was she expected me to be a carbon copy of her – think like her, act like her, want the same things as her. When I turned out so totally different, she couldn’t understand it. I made no sense to her.
And if you look at it from her point of view(midrange narc), it’s understandable. She felt she was perfect and whatever she thought and wanted was obviously the best. Plus she had no empathy at all. I just literally made no sense to her and my different thinking and different desires were a constant criticism of her. She always wished she’d had that little carbon copy narc girl she’d dreamed about to be her shadow and constant fuel. Instead she was stuck with me, who must be mentally ill and defective since I was so different and always disagreed and argued with her.
I totally get what you say Windstorm, it was the same in our home. We were kind of okay (despite all of her dominance and angry way of talking) untill we had an opinion of our own. That was impossible. We had to dress the way she wanted and act the way she wanted.
Looking back I have been a pretty good girl, but at that time she considered me a very sinful human being.
I always wished for a brother though, because I expected it would have changed the ‘girly way’ of raising us and my father might have interacted more. Good luck Windstorm, you know you are not mentally ill, just because your opinions differ from your mother’s.
Blank
Thank you. Being here on the blog and all I have learned from HG is the only reason I no longer feel so crazy. Well, I do still feel crazy, but now I realize I was driven that way and warped by childhood! I imagine I was a pretty normal child initially, other than being one of those contagion empaths. Finally understanding and being able to make sense of everything has been wonderful and very freeing for me.