Me, You and Her



One is never enough for us. Two or more are required. When we commence our seduction of you and launch those missiles towards you bearing love, passion and desire, we repeatedly tell you that you are the one. You are the only one that we want. All of our life we have waited for this moment to be with the one, you. This singularity of number meets singularity of purpose. One is all that we want. We tell you this, we text you this and we do some repeatedly in order to put you on that pedestal. The world may as well just be populated by you and me. Nobody else matters. All that we want is you and you alone. The effect of such words makes you feel extremely special, revered and worshipped and it feels wonderful doesn’t it? Being the sole recipient of our attention, such wonderful, dedicated and loving attention is uplifting, joyful and magnificent.

Recently a commenter posted a quote from Robert A Heinlein which revolved around kissing. Essentially, this quote referred to the fact that when most people kiss they are not putting their all into it, they have other things on their mind, they might be worrying about work, they know they have to put the rubbish out, they are wondering what is for dinner and as a consequence that person’s kiss is nowhere near as it should be because that person has distractions. The person they are kissing does not have their total attention. There is considerable merit in such a proposition. What we manage to do however is make you think that nobody else matters, that you are the only person we are kissing, have ever kissed and will ever kiss. We make you the centre of our universe and you believe it. Yet the reality is that whilst we exhibit this singularity of attention on you, we have so many other people in mind. Understand that when you are with one of our kind there is never, there is never a time when it is just you and me. There is always you, me and her or him or them. Your dynamic with us is not exclusive. It never is. It is not your sole preserve. You are shared throughout the entirety of your relationship with us, from the beginning until, well forever. I do not necessarily mean that we are engaged in s sexual relationship with someone else when we are with you but the fact is that when you think it is just you and I, there is far more going on that you will realise.

At the outset when I am seducing you, I make you feel like the only girl in the world, however there will be at least two other dynamics ongoing. The first is that I will be embarking on a cruel campaign against your predecessor. I will be considering how next to provoke them and punish them so I am able to draw negative fuel from them. I will undoubtedly tell you about them as I explain how horrible and abusive that person was to me. What you are less likely to know is that I am sending them abusive messages, stalking them and organising various methods of manipulation to keep punishing them.

The second dynamic at the outset is the fact that I may also be working on another prospect as well as you. In the extremely unlikely event that you ever had access to my mobile ‘phone and you looked in the messages you would see something like this.

“Message to You 19:48 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

“Message to Her 19:50 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

There may even be,

“Message to Her 2 19:52 – I cannot stop thinking about you. What have you done to me? I love it though. I cannot wait to see you tomorrow even though it is too long to wait for my aching heart.”

Notoriously greedy for fuel and wary of the effects of not having a supply of the same, we will ensure that we have other targeted prospects in hand. You may become the chosen one as my primary source of fuel but the others will not necessarily be discarded. They will be retained as “friends” who rank as high producing secondary appliances, continuing to supply me with fuel. You think you have me to yourself. Of course that is the impression that I will create but you are sharing me with the others who will be kept ready to replace you should you start to fail in your production of fuel.

During the golden period it may seem that there is just you and me but I will be keeping other prospects warm and extracting negative fuel from one or more predecessors in the meanwhile. Then, without warning you find yourself being devalued. You have your suspicions that we are playing away. Indeed, we are as we use these secondary sources that we have kept “warm”. There will be others as we find additional people to draw into our network as we play them off against you. You will find you will be compared to these people, to friends and family and always found to be wanting as we press the devaluation against you. After this horrendous time, we will cast you to one side with a callous discard and somebody else has replaced you. How did that happen so quickly? How were we able to move with unseemly haste and find someone else who we now declare our love for? Easily. They were waiting in the wings all along.

Now disengaged from you will find you are still involved in the dynamic as we play you against your replacement. We will keep trying to draw negative fuel from you and then suddenly hoover you back and make you the apple of our eye again, as your short-lived replacement is cast aside. A period of vacillation may follow as we lift you up and crash you down. You are sat on one end of a see saw, as you go up, she goes down and vice versa. We stand in the centre, straddling this see saw and gobbling up all the fuel that is pouring from you both.

As our primary source you will always find that there is somebody else involved in the dynamic of our relationship. It does not end there though with the person who is our primary source of fuel. This addition of an extra player in the game happens throughout all our fuel gathering activities. We set family member against family member, our brothers against our sisters, or one parent against another. We treat one child as golden and the other as a pariah as we have them compete for our blessing and affection. We pit one colleague against another as they vie for that promotion which lies in our gift. We have friend fighting against friend in order to spend time with us at the expense of the other. We enter the online realm and have people backbiting, clashing and competing all through a few keystrokes on the keyboard. We can never be satisfied with it being just you and me, we always have to involve others and that involvement cannot be harmonious. There must be competition in order for the fuel to flow. Never think that we are dedicated to just you, our need for fuel does not allow it. There is always someone else despite what we may tell you. If you were ever able to ascertain the full extent of our machinations, schemes and plans you would see so many lines radiating away from us, connecting us to you, to her and to many others, with lines running between the unknowing and knowing until it looks like an extremely complex organogram on the wall of an incident room in a police station.

It can never just be you and me. There always has to be another.

35 thoughts on “Me, You and Her

  1. HG,I will TRY to keep this short. My best friend of many, many years is self diagnosed NPD. In an effort to understand why he is the way he is, he has done a lot of research. We’ve read through articles, he’s done the online questionnaires etc.He does tick at LOT of the boxes but i have also seen sides to him that differ to the “boxed” version of NPD. I have seen him experience joy, sadness, anger and other emotions, although he says he does not understand emotions or love. He has opened up to me about things that are deep within then I have seen him switch and put his narcissistic mask back up and try and shrug things off.
    Problem is, I have fallen in love with him. We have been “together” about 3 years of our 10+ years of being best friends. I recognise a lot of those traits and behaviours, but I just don’t know that he fills alll of them. But, as you described up there… he wants more. He wants it all. He wants other women too. He’s at least been honest about it and told me. He said he doesn’t want to lose me. I am half tempted to let him do his thing as long as they don’t become a part of our time or our lives. I know they will just be flings and cast aside when he is bored.. or.. he will fling me off. I know there is more to him than NPD. I don’t want to lose him, he is my everything. I didn’t realise till now how much we talk about everything, everyday.. until now, when I am struggling with staying with him or walking away. Either one is going to kill me.
    In the past he has tried to find articles about how to cure NPD but never finds anything. He insists it’s just in his nature and there is no changing it. He struggles with it as he doesn’t want to hurt me or anyone else really. Is there a cure? Am I being a fool staying by his side?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are being conned. By him and your emotional thinking. This is understandable but also capable of being rectified.

  2. Kevin says:

    I think of it as antivenom. If you get bit by a poisonous snake it takes venom from the same type of snake to heal the bit.

    1. Deepsigh says:

      Yep lol….a hair from the dog that bit ya type senario….

  3. 12345,
    I agree,
    It is possible to appreciate a narcissist as a person.
    I like HGs intelligence and wit,too.

    I’m just glad I’m not in an intimate relationship with one anymore, nor do I want to put up with abuse from one in any case.

    It is deliciously ironic that our help comes from a narcissist.
    Like signing up for a self defense course; you show up and there is a lion writing on the white board,’ How To Not Be Prey.’

    1. Deepsigh says:

      That’s funny!

    2. narc affair says:

      Honestly i could never see myself being prey to someone whose abuse is more obvious and direct in nature. Like for instance the IT story id never put up with that for one day(even tho lesley deserved it and i suspect mightve been a narc herself). Thatd be IT and over.
      The birthday treatment of siobhan thatd mark the end as well.
      A lot of the instances HG’s victims didnt know til well after the end what hed done(garden destruction/bent pens/damage to property/pets let free) but there are examples where imo the abuse is very in your face.
      Any physical abuse would be over in a flash. My narcs never hit or physically harmed me in any way.
      My situation is with very covert abuse and its so under the radar i still second guess myself. I do know what it is thanks to HG’s blogs/books and information out there. Its very well hidden but its there and im not imagining it.
      If it wasnt as covert as it is i wouldve never endured it. My tolerance is very low for more obvious abuse. In a lot of ways i wish it were more overt bc i wouldve left so long ago. Covert or well hidden abuse i find the most dangerous kind. His shelving, triangulations, passive aggressiveness and then sweetness have made it hard to walk away. The shelving has had me close to leaving at times but hes always there to make me think ive not been shelved. I know when things have changed and then changed back again and thats shelving. Yet it is a form of gaslighting in itself when that line is grazed but not fully crossed.
      Looking back i ask myself how could i have been prey and i see weak areas within but i also know i wasnt easy prey and my narcs tactics are very covert and under the radar. Hes sneaky and i feel knows what hes doing.

    3. Deepsigh says:

      Yes….In reference to your last comment referring to the fact that HG is a lion teaching prey how to not be prey….I was reminded of the movie LIar LIar with Jim Carrey…..where the little boy made a birthday wish and his father could no longer lie….that was a great movie by the way…..and the funniest part was how the people he was representing in court were the guilty parties and their reactions to him suddenly not being able to lie!!! Hahahahaha…..that movie was so funny….like when the officer stopped him and he couldn’t lie as to why he was speeding and then reached over to the glove box and opened it and out popped all of his parking violations….lol….and the look on the cops face! Anyways it’s just what popped into my head….gonna have to watch that again! Anyways yes I do ponder how it is possible this man can give us the inside view as he does….being he is who he is…..some say….ohhhh….don’t look a gift horse in the mouth…..but I don’t know who made that saying up….so I don’t give much credit to it as I don’t know who made that up….anyways lol…I am actually glad about this author and what he is doing…and I know I need to read again what the reasons are he is doing it….but you gotta give us a little slack here HG as you can see possibly how it’s a bit challenging to for a person like myself to get my head around it…..I deal in total logic and my mind can become perplexed by such things….and to be honest when I stumbled across your articles and your book and blogs….I was reading the description and it said…..this is written by a narcissist about narcissists….my mind said…..huh???????? Seriously????? And then I was like yeahhhh I need to read this stuff….cause it is so uncommon for this to occur…..but I have to say….I was SUPER surprised…..and then half way into my first book…..I stopped and thought to myself…..YEP he’s one….no doubt! How unique! And scary at the same time!

      1. Oh, I love that movie!! It cracked me up!
        My N could not see the humor, and I caught a few uncomfortable expressions on his face. Like anyone could make him stop lying. LOL I didn’t even know at the time. I said “Geez, just easier to tell the truth. People get over it and you don’t have to remember what you made up.”

    4. Deepsigh says:

      One more thing in reference to your lion analogy……class time is AFTER lunch right..? Hahahahahaha……

      1. Yep!
        After lunch!
        Well fueled…erm..fed expert Lion.


  4. 12345 says:

    HG, I don’t think it’s the majority. I like liking you. I appreciate your intelligence and sharp wit. Both are very hot. I’m forever grateful for pulling me out of an erupting volcano with the narc.

    The only reason I can like and recognize these things is because you don’t hurt me/us. While I recognize that you don’t have empathy, you’ve learned to fake it well enough that I feel cared for when you teach me how to heal and stay away from the narc. That’s certainly more than I’ve ever gotten from my parents.

    And no, I’m not flirting peeps. It’s just a fact. HG is hot.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      comments either ignored or binned?

      ^ sometimes it just sounds better in british. so cute, i love the word binned. going to start using it. thankyou. simple pleasures:)

    2. 12345 says:

      Um, so I was a bottle of wine in when I posted this. Reminder…no drinking and posting🙄

      1. Deepsigh says:

        Lol….hahahahaha! Yes and remember don’t phone or message your Narc or ex Narc after having too much wine as well….as I have done so and was a blubbering cry baby…….who knows what all I said to him that night….he did listen however…..I so regretted it the next day! 😂😫😭that was me! 😴this was probably him! Lol…..

        1. 12345 says:

          Thank you Deepsigh😘. I apparently also ordered two Urban Decay eyeshadow pallets as well so I was awfully busy after my bottle of wine🙄🙄🙄

  5. Deepsigh says:

    And….I’m not through with that comment! They are major hypocrites!!!! Because they are jealous as HELL and possessive as HELL and require you to be LOYAL to them ! That’s the part that really gets under my skin! It’s like….really….it’s okay for you to be with multiple women and lie to me and give me jealousy hell when you yourself are cheating?! WHATEVER!!!🤬✋🏻✋🏻✋🏻✋🏻✋🏻✋🏻

    1. Survivor says:

      Why are my comments either ignored or binned?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        They are not ignored.

        1. Survivor says:

          Not ignored but always awaiting moderation or deleted. That’s OK, I get it (I think) hehe!

          1. HG Tudor says:

            If you ask questions Survivor they will be longer in moderation because I read everything and with those comments which have questions it naturally takes time to read, reflect and answer. Thus comments which are observations or responding to other readers where I do not need to pass comment travel through moderation quicker, those which are lengthy and/or have questions stay in moderation longer. I would point out that early last week I finally managed to get the comments awaiting moderation to zero. That was the first time in 18 months.

          2. Survivor says:

            Thank you for clarifying and I apologise for jumping the gun! I forget you have quite a following and I for one appreciate the time you put in, especially to reflect upon before answering. I wish I didn’t like you. I don’t want to like you. You destroy. But you are truly helping so many of us in understanding your type. So credit where credit is due. Thank you.

          3. HG Tudor says:

            No problem. You do not have to like me but I recognise and appreciate the constructive approach adopted by you and the majority of my readers. This is a place to learn, share, express views and opinions and occasionally find some humour. It is a pointless exercise for people to come here and attack me – it is a small amount of fuel and makes them look stupid. An honest approach such as your own does not offend me and is in accordance with the ethos of this place.

          4. Survivor says:

            As someone who has gained much insight into their own behaviour (not just into your type) I am very careful not to offend deliberately. It serves no purpose, I do not ever want to behave as I did before I knew what I now know and, as you stated, attacking (deliberately offending) you and your type only provides you with fuel and makes us look stupid. I know I don’t have to like you but I do. You’re giving survivors not only answers but sound advice. and you do have a cracking good sense of humour – making it harder not to like you! You know, from someone like yourself who has lived his life being dishonest, how does it feel to be so brutally honest?

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Effective, with no down side.

  6. Survivor says:

    HG, what if you were triangulated with the woman he lived with but told you she was just his horrible housemate and u believed it because you took a two week vacation together and spent either a whole day at the weekend or a full weekend together often, and u texted each other at all times of the day and night, only to find out he was leading a double life and u got blamed by the woman he triangulated you with, not him (Mr innocent). Do you think it’s possible that both he and her are narcissists? Because it baffles me why she said I was to blame, she didn’t care to know about his infidelity. I genuinely believed he was single because of all the time we spent texting, phoning and being together weekends and abroad. What do you think?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      When you write ‘you’ do you mean me or you Survivor?

  7. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, when the narc needed to explain to his primary who I was, he said I was a friend and made up a story how we met because telling the truth (it was an affair) was too embarrassing. He also said when they first got together, she asked him whether he had cheated on his wife. He did but told her no. Why would he tell me all this? Is he really remorseful? According to my consult with you, I am a shelf DLS currently on the shelf. Thank you!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No he is not. He told you to make it appear like he was being honest with you in order to draw you under his control.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thanks so much, HG! Amazing how convincing and sincere he sounds! Makes me doubt his narcissism despite all the other evidence! I appreciate your insight as always!

  8. deepsigh2017 says:

    :/sooooo infuriating!!!!!! I am so so so so sooooooooooooo GLAD I am not with a DAMN Narcissist right now and I hope to GOD that I never ever ever……have to be again! I hate their ways!!!!!!! They are my worst nightmare! They suck!!!!!! I would rather be alone and never ever have sex again or kiss again or love again for the rest of my life……THEN EVER be with another narcissist again!

  9. SandraDee says:

    HG how do you keep up with all the ladies? I knew about my exes wife. Then he let me know about his recent one. I already knew about her. I just don’t know who she is

    1. HG Tudor says:

      i don’t keep up SD, I stay ahead.

      1. Joanne. says:

        Great Reply HG 😂

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you.

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