Trying Behaviour

 

TRYINGBEHAVIOUR

You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

14 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour

  1. Echo says:

    Dear Tudor
    I have been intoxicated. I see my narc affair for what He is. I feel He is repulsive, and I don’t want him back. You helped me with this. I Can almost read here at your site and tell what He Will do tomorrow. He is with a new target now. I see him everyday at work and even though I have him He still triggers something in me about Golden periode. I know He isn’t what He acted out to be. I see Right through him but why can’t I overcome the emotional relation – why do I still Think He is the same As I used to know. How Can i try to break the Bond. What Should I do to stop thinking of him? I Can not come to peace with the Way He has treated me even I know what He is. I can’t accept it. You know How the Golden periode works. Help me break the Bond. I know you know How!
    Love Echo

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello Echo,

      You have understanding but you are being affected by the emotional infection and the rampant emotional thinking which goes with it. That is why you are struggling to overcome the emotional element. How can you break it? It is entirely achievable. You need to purge the emotional infection and at the same time control your emotional thinking – no contact also works alongside this (but you do not have no contact because you see him everyday at work). I can explain to you precisely why this is happening and what you need to do to address it and I would advocate you organising a consultation with me so I can provide you with the detailed information and steps you require.

      1. Echo says:

        Thank you so much for your answer. I Think I’ll do that very soon.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

  2. Catherine says:

    Mm.. I’m trying hard to understand that. One of the factors involved in me being overly susceptible to the narcissistic dynamic was the absolute need in me at exactly that time in my life for something not beige I think. I was determined after some normal and what I considered to be in the end just boring relationships to find all the vivid colours in life. I’d come to a point in my life where I’d had these long, nice relations with men where things just went along fine until one day there was just nothing left. What there once was had somehow seeped away unnoticed. It wasn’t that I didn’t try to turn things around, I did, but more from a point of not wanting another failed relationship than from really wanting to save something that I in the end considered to be mediocre. These are truths hard come by for me and truths hard to admit.

    So I finally decided for all or nothing. I’d do flaring red, blazing orange, majestic purple, piercing yellow, breathtaking blue and savouring green. I’d even do excruciatingly painful black if it came to that I guess. But I would not do beige again. I’d rather be alone than doing beige. It was a conscious decision. I wanted the kind of passion that brought out the extraordinary in me, the soul searching, soul wrenching emotions I needed to feel alive.

    And along came my narcissist, repeating the patterns of my childhood drama. Controlling me, playing those alluring games of power that I’d been conditioned to in my early years, tossing me around in a whirlwind, leaving me devastated, but I guess, in some sense truly alive. I tried my uttermost with him like I never did before, I gave him my heart and I gave him my all. It wasn’t enough because nothing can ever be enough during those circumstances. But I, I came alive.

    I think that’s what I’m being taught from this experience. Maybe what I was searching for all along. How to come about feeling alive by myself. Some sort of awakening and at last the awareness of needing to search within for those wonderful colours I need, not expecting to be given them by someone else. From that point onwards healthy relationships might hopefully grow in the future.

  3. Joy says:

    Bastard..

  4. We want the golden period because the N can’t give us beige without losing the fuel which they need.

    Some of us do need the extremes.
    But Ns are only extremes

    Some of us, even though we see the N can’t be fixed,believe we love our N. And care about them, even though we can never really know them. We do know this about them, they have damage they didn’t ask for.

    We prefer the golden period to the alternatives.

    They can’t even do grey.
    Why would we expect beige?

  5. Amber says:

    i love you, mr. tudor. 😢 thank you for this. he ruined me. I’ll send you a before and after pic of my face. but i have a tool for bouncing back i didn’t have before — your stream of empowering and just-as-charismatic articles coming through my email to remind me that it’s a sickness and nothing more. i really really wish that we could harness it, though. that the leadership could be gained and the people could somehow just… like channel their aggression into art or boxing. lol or maybe create art that they *then* box. that would be so cute!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  6. Thank you for your useful content

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  7. PhoenixRising says:

    I hate how intoxicating the golden period was. I hate how quickly and how hard I fell into it. I hate that after all these months, I still miss it. I hate knowing that even though I am fighting the good fight and have removed myself from the game, one little slip up could have me right back in the thick of it again.

  8. patrizia says:

    Definitely tried everything to please him until exhausted ! In return, he acted like a zombie without expression nor love or affection.One minute he would be capable to say that we were doing well after our break up and the next moment he did nothing to ease the hardships I was encountering, due to his behaviour !
    Walking on egg shells and more, on my part!

    Only he could bring back the golden period, but he had other supplies in mind!
    I shortly saw it all happening! I thought I was going to lose my mind!

    No! I am safe and fine at home. I don’t need breadcrumbs! I don’t need to live for an overt narcisst; I have my life and all the colours of the rain bow if I will learn to concentrate on “me” and the many things I enjoy!

    1. lisbeth says:

      You Go Girl!!!!

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