Hark, The Somatic Narc!


Narc, the somatic loud does sing,

Returning from his latest fling,

Sexual conquests he finds wild,

Now it’s your turn to be defiled

Turgid all his erections rise,

With a blue pill that’s no surprise,

He wants your body to proclaim

You are the best I cannot complain

Narc the somatic he likes to swing

Sexual diseases he will bring

Narc, the highest heaven he assured,

Narc, with gifts he can’t afford,

Last in time behold him come,

Whilst he spanks you on the bum,

Exposed in flesh the god you’ll see,

Gathering fuel so expertly,

Pleased as punch he starts to swell,

He’s steamier than Emmanuel,

Narc, the seducer here to bring

Sexual conquest is his thing.

Hail the ripped,buff gym bunny,

Hail the displays of his money,

Gifts galore to you he brings,

Even one which often stings,

Looks so good you’ll want to cry,

See that twinkle in his eye,

Born to cheat online he’ll surf,

Bring you crashing down to earth

Narc the somatic with shiny ring,

Hoping to him you’ll always cling.

83 thoughts on “Hark, The Somatic Narc!

  1. Laurie says:

    Lovely, HG. This was a fun break from dealing with shitty relatives.

  2. ava101 says:

    Haha, I just saw an online profile of a guy who fits 100 % this description & visual (no Santa’s hat of course), plus another picture with him and a ferrari, plus another picture of him wearing very fine clothes, and so on.
    Plus the description of a somatic narc.

    It’s very funny when one knows this uhm “assessment” here … 😉

  3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    Clever & Creative!

    I always did appreciate a jingle with a tingle.

    Thanks for making me giggle after a long, hard day.

  4. MyTrueSelf says:

    Whoa… festive selfie?
    ( Bit of a teansy packet/gift, though;-)

  5. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,

    Every time I hear that carol, I’ll be thinking of your fabulous rendition. That was awesome.
    Turgid… now that’s a new one for me … I like it !

    Also, what are your thoughts on competitive bodybuilders?

    Thank you, that was funny as

    1. Brillant HG.

    2. Bubbles🍾 says:

      Ps …. hoe hoe hoe 😂

  6. Narc Angel says:


    Very clever and entertaining!

    I would place my order for one of these toys in every colour but Im pretty sure I know which book Im in.

    (I pray Windstorm doesnt see that exclamation)

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Must have not prayed hard enough! Ha,ha! 😝

      1. Narc Angel says:



    2. Narc Angel,

      This is what you get when you’re on the naughty list!!!
      Somatic Narcs!!

  7. Survivor says:

    Here’s one about the Lesser Narcissist in my life (ex N)

    Hark the Somatic Narcissist sings
    And as usual, no gift he brings
    His dirty washing he piles on my floor
    The smell of fags oozing out of every pore

    I could go on……. but I’m getting triggered … lol

  8. Noname says:

    What the clever little player. Lol.

    Thank you for sincere laugh, dear Tudor. It is really gross-and-funny!

  9. Giulia says:

    I like the poem but the guy is definitively not my type.

  10. Kimi says:

    I think Santa is hot, but then again I always fell for the MR Somatics!

    1. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

      Yes, it was one of the first videos with a young man posing in front of a mirror with a phone.

      Fantastic, HG!

      You are very good at keeping the flow of rhyming

  11. Blank says:

    Eeeewww.. I don’t like this kind of guy
    Couldn’t care less what he would buy
    Once I’ll pull his buttplug out
    He’ll probably deflate, screaming out loud:
    “Hallelujah, the end of the self proclaimed king
    Narc-free tidings I will bring”

    ps: I loved this HG, you made my day, you should write poems more often!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you. I am pleased it entertained you.

      1. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

        I am pretty sure this is one of your first original articles that came out, HG.

        I remember the YouTube video.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Early video, not early article.

  12. Brian says:

    Are you planning on singing this for a youtube vid?
    Would be great

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Have you been good this year, Brian? Let me check the naughty or nice book.

      1. Brian says:

        I’m trying to be good! 😀

        1. HG Tudor says:

          HG’s Big Book of Naughty or Nice agrees.

      2. Brian says:

        Hopefully I haven’t just been ‘trying’.

      3. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Hmm.. HG’s Big Book of Naughty or Nice – wonder where I am…

        1. Narc Angel says:


          For sure we all make one book: The Appliance Inventory Catalog.

      4. Nuit Étoilée says:

        NAngel – or perhaps in my case the Malign Malfunctioning Misfit Machine..
        ..but I would prefer
        Good Operating Soulful Original, GOSO for short 😉

        *I’m not as good at this as you 🙂

      5. Brian says:

        Thanks HG

  13. Sandra says:

    A good laugh is just what the doctor ordered.
    Thanks for lightening the mood HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  14. abrokenwing says:

    This picture is a huge turn off for me , sorry!🙈

  15. ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Don’t tell me you sing, too!??!!
    I would add this to my christmas playlist.
    Thanks for the 1st thing in the morning humor!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  16. Jenna says:

    Loved this! U r so creative mr. Tudor! And u call urself empty inside?

    “With a blue pill that’s no surprise”
    Nah, he is in his late 20’s

    “Looks so good you’ll want to cry”
    Agree 100% agree😫

    “Born to cheat online he’ll surf”
    Sad isn’ it?

    1. Jenna says:

      P.s. looks so good u’ll want to cry – i meant my ex, not the man in the pic. The man in the pic is overly muscular, yuck!

  17. SandraDee says:

    HG can you please direct me to more on the Somatic Narcissist please? Also are they usually the Lesser Narcissist? Please and thank you

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hello, no Somatic are found in all schools. If you use the search function on the blog it will take you to various articles concerning somatics. You will also find more in the book ‘Sitting Target’.

      1. SandraDee says:

        Thank you I must get that book

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I agree.

  18. Whenever I see a photo like this it reminds me of the time one of the girls I worked with gave me a picture of a Sexy Santa as my white elephant gift.

    When I got home my boyfriend asked me what I wanted for Christmas and jokingly I pulled out the photo and said this would be nice.

    He snatched that photo out of my hand and crinkled it up and threw it in the trash.

    And he used to say I was the jealous and insecure one. His mask slipped that day.

    So now whenever I see a photo like that it makes me smirk.

    1. Narc Angel says:

      I ❤️ HG Tudor

      Heres hoping you can now have a poster size if you like.

  19. ANK says:

    HG, this had me in stitches. Don’t think I’ve laughed so much at any of your other posts. Perfectly captures the somatic.

    Would be so funny to hear the Carol singers belt this one out.

    You really are clever and talented and funny if in a sarcastic way when you write. But you know that already 😏

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you ANK.

      1. ANK says:

        I think I will print this out, and replace sleazy Santa’s face with Narchole’s.

      2. mb says:

        Here! Here! Bravo HG! Hark! The HG prose does ring! Multiplies the fans!!

  20. angela says:

    HaHaaaa… agggg…never in my life i will be with this man..i dont care if he is N or not…i am sick just think this man is with me.
    Send another one with a touch of class please…🤔🤔….maybe Sean Conery..? with 20 less years

  21. Windstorm2 says:

    Very good, HG! Looking forward to more carols! 🎄

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you WS2.

  22. noah80 says:

    Hahahhah! That’s great!
    The last Christmas he hoovered me…I found myself stupid because I fell again on his lies.
    Now there are 4 months that I brocke up with him and 2 months of no contact (I blocked him on all: Facebook, mobile, Instagram, Whatsapp, …and this time he didn’t try to look for me anymore while the other times he had always tried to recover the relationship). I decided to change city for this year so I come back in his city just for this holiday and he knows this.
    I think that this time it is real the end and that this Christmas he will not look for me anymore. Do you think that it is possible this?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, you are likely to be hoovered noah80 in accordance with the Hoover Trigger (you are in the same city and he knows this thus there is already a Hoover Trigger) and the Hoover Execution Criteria being met (he knows where to find you). How likely it is depends on other factors which I cannot address as you have only provided a certain amount of information.

      1. noah80 says:

        Thank you H.G.! Well…he is very proud and touchy so i think that IF he will contact me it will be for a negative hoover… in the end it was I who left him and stuck badly so maybe he feel angry toward me…

  23. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

    Now I am not interested in the guy at the gym anymore. This is my ex Lesser.

    1. HG Tudors # 1 fan says:

      My ex Lesser who finally hovered me after 11 months.

      HG, this is him all the way.

  24. 12345 says:

    So gross. After one date with a somatic, he sent me an 8×10 head shot.

    1. Narc Angel says:


      Which head?

      1. Windstorm2 says:


      2. ANK says:

        Great minds think alike.or is that dirty minds 😂

      3. narc affair says:


        1. 12345 says:

          Hilarious, Narc Angel😁 thankfully, it was the one on his shoulders. I’m dying at the image of an 8×10 glossy of the other head😂

      4. K says:

        Narc Angel
        You are so naughty! I like it.

      5. Blank says:

        Ha ha Narc Angel, I was just thinking if I should get me some white asparagus for dinner tonight. I will now, love the heads 🙂

  25. narc affair says:

    Too funny and in the festive spirit altho i find that pic hideous. Ive never found overly muscular men attractive. Definitely describes a somatic.

    1. narc affair says:

      This pic repulses me bc it triggers a memory when i was about 19. I met a guy in a nightclub who was all muscles like that and had an aggressive way about him. We talked and danced a bit and stupidly i gave my number to him. He would not stop calling me and was more or less stalking me. One call after tge other for hours on end thru the day. My stepdad had to get on the phone and tell him to quit calling. Something about him didnt sit right with me and he seemed like he could be physically abusive.

  26. Catherine says:

    Ha ha, ha ha!! That’s hilarious HG! You made me laugh so hard my stomach hurts now. Brilliant verse. You just made my day.

    1. Catherine says:

      I came home from a walk by the sea a while ago; I live close to the harbour and the sun sets so early up here north in Sweden at this time of year; the light was sparse, the ground covered in sparkling white frost; I listened to the seagulls, watched the boats go by and just like stayed for a moment to watch the sunset, feeling sad for all that’s been. And then I came home, read your poem and I’m laughing out loud. I needed that today. Thank you again.

      1. Blank says:

        It made my day as well :). Catherine, you have no idea how much I’d like to go to Sweden. The lakes, the peace and quiet, the sphere you picture here.. I need to date a Swedish guy. Are they good? 🙂

      2. Catherine says:


        That’s really nice. Sweden has a certain charm to it. There’s certainly a lot of lakes, forests and vast landscapes. And the Swedish men? Well, I do like Swedes. I like the strong, quiet, to the point, and very masculine kind of man (without being narcissistic) and we do have lots of those here. But then there’s all sorts of men here I guess. I wouldn’t know.. ha ha.. I managed to stumble across a narcissist.

        But yes, you should date a Swedish guy! They’re great sex as well;)

        Where are you from?

      3. Blank says:

        I spend hours on Google Earth Catherine :), just love to see the world. Wish I had the money to go travelling. I’ve seen quite a few countries in the past, but I’d also like to see Scandinavia and Russia (well.. the list goes on :))
        Your description of the Swedish man looks perfect to me (although I hope they don’t look like the “Somatic Christmas guy” here, haha, that’s too much for me). But to be honest the men in my country are mostly goodlooking as well.. the younger ones that is 😉
        I can not tell you where I’m from, that’s giving away too much of my privacy.. but my English friends used to call me “the clog” haha. There is no windmill in my backyard, but there are tulips in spring.
        Thanks Catherine, I’ll go find an international datingsite and hook up with a Swedish male empath, preferably a rich one, so I can travel 😉 😉

      4. Catherine says:


        That sounds great. Hook yourself up to a datingsite and find yourself a Swede. And I agree with you; avoid at all costs the Somatic Christmas kind of guy here. I wouldn’t date him either;)

    2. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  27. Survivor says:

    Hahaha! Spot on!

  28. K says:

    He reminded me of Sean Connery.

    Whilst he spanks you on the bum, ha ha ha…excellent line.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wull hellooo Mish K….

      1. K says:

        You are naughty 007. Be still, my beating heart.

    2. narc affair says:

      His face looks a bit like sean connerys but not near as handsome. It looks like his head was cut and pasted on the body 😄

      1. K says:

        narc affair
        True, Sean is hot! All I could think about was 007.

  29. bw says:

    “Sexual Diseases he will bring”… OMG i can’t stop laughing!!

    Always a giver. . .

  30. Tis the season to be naughty!

  31. SuperXena says:

    And stirring things up again..
    First thought of Hark by linking the image to the text:
    His muscle hypertrophy is directly correlated to his neuron atrophy…

    1. SuperXena says:

      The lyrics( it sounded almost like a song) and the rhymes are amazing…this one really made me laugh as in happy of course..

      1. SuperXena says:

        Just adding: humorous and extremely ingenious…

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