Tell Me That It’s True

 TELL ME THAT IT IS TRUE

I told you I loved you. That was not a lie. I meant it when I said it. I meant it every time that I said it, wrote it, messaged it, voice mailed it, gifted it and e-mailed it. I knew how to portray it. That wasn’t hard. There is so much material available for me to know what to say, how to say it, what to do and how to do it. I have seen it when it has been directed at me time and time again. All I had to do was mirror it. I have had enough people fall under my spell and love me so that I recognise love when I see it. It became simple enough to replicate it. My intentions really were noble. I wanted to love you and I gave you the love that I knew that you wanted. I did enough to fathom out how you wanted to be loved. Goodness knows I put in the spadework. I observed you and saw who you interacted with. I followed you to the places you frequented and noted what you ordered most often to eat and to drink. I sat behind you on the bus one time and saw the book that you read. I recognised the author so I went and bought three other of her titles and displayed them at home in readiness to show you and to let you borrow those which you had not read yet. I dispatched a Lieutenant to chat you up and gather more information for me to collate and consider. I trawled the internet looking for your footprints. I sat up late as my phone buzzed and pinged with the messages from other prospects that I was cultivating but I made them wait as I searched for you. I found you and using a reliable false profile in the name of a friend of the opposite sex to me I managed to secure your online friendship. I did not approach you directly, despite the cloak of anonymity. I preferred to walk like a ghost through your cyber world, observing your photographs and establishing the places where they were taken. I noted who your friends were, I highlighted potential competitors and I discerned who your family are. I took in the YouTube postings and when they were timed which told me you enjoyed a few glasses of wine in the evening on your own as you posted musical memories from your teenage years. I walked through your posts and your comments, picking up snippets of information that detailed your devotion to romance, your love of small dogs and your dislike of the cold. Like a silent, vast machine I remained your unseen companion for a month as I sucked up as much information as I could in order to build a picture of you and how you wanted to be loved. Each meme you posted gave me a clue. Every discussion with your friends added further layers as I created the person that would love you. I uploaded to him your interests and made them his. I bolted on the necessary skill sets which would please you. I furnished him with the choice phrases that you wanted to hear. I configured his actions, expressions, behaviours and more that would make him provide you with the love that you wanted to much and once all of this considerable preparatory work was complete I began my seduction.

I loved you. I loved you with passion, desire, attentiveness, excitement, mystery and kindness. All created from the morass of information that I had gathered about you which was layered onto my existing experience from previous relationships and my knowledge of how love operates in the world. I know that it worked. You fell for me hook, line and sinker and you became enveloped in my creation where you flourished, you shone and you bloomed. Your happiness radiated from you like sunbeams, the pleasure you took in us being together was tangible and all of those around us commented as such. It was marvellous, spectacular, wonderful and perfect.

You had no idea that my love was a creation. Why would you when not only did it match your concept of love but driven by my excellence it exceeded it? Why would you challenge something that felt so golden and so glorious? You would not. I gave you this love and you returned it. It was a match made in heaven. It was a transaction that suited us both. You received my scintillating synthetic love and you gave me the love that sustains me, that emotion infused reaction which powers and sustains me. We both were winners.

Was it such a bad thing that what I gave you was a fabrication if it looked like the real thing? I might even go so far as to say that it was even better than the real thing. Am I to be regarded as a bad person for this fraudulent act. Is it not the case that my deceit pleased you? Yes, you did not know about this deceit, you had no awareness of the fabrication but that caused you no harm did it? You saw and you believed and seeing is believing surely?

When I took you in my arms, shielding you from the black day that you had emerged from and you looked into my eyes and saw the love, the devotion and the optimism that burned there, did it really matter that I was mirroring what you showed me so long as it made you happy, elated and feel loved? My optimistic eyes were your optimistic eyes.

When I unleashed my hatred you could not and still do not understand how someone could treat you like that when that person kept saying that he loved you.

It was easy to switch to this vicious malevolence. It was easy to peel back the veneer that was the manufactured love. It was easy to switch off the creation that I made that provided you with this perfect love. A flick of a switch and he ceased to exist, leaving you with something else instead.

I did not lie when I said that I loved you.

I did not lie when I whispered that I loved you.

I did not lie when I shouted that I loved you.

I just did not tell you the truth.

The truth that I never felt love for you.

Because I cannot do that.

11+
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34 thoughts on “Tell Me That It’s True”

  1. 664/5000
    I experience it this way: the narcissist does not have his own feelings of love but can only project the love of the victim as a reflection so that the victim sees the ideal partner in the narcissist (being himself). This is actually the purest deceit of stealing and reusing real feelings. In nature I recognize parasites but not to this level, it is stealing sense of identity … and is used for personal satisfaction and the purest illusion to the victim (the victims). How can a narcissist meet this without feeling remorse? Is it the huge void that drives them? This is how I felt it …

    6+
  2. Such a waste of energy all this make-believe. Hours and hours spend on creating something that is completely false, whereas being yourself will costs you no energy at all.

    I wonder though: if your love is a creation, maybe your hatred is too…..

    5+
    1. Iris
      From their perspective it isn’t a waste of time, it is necessary for their survival and it works well for them, most of the time. The hate is real; the love is fake.

      3+
      1. Maybe not K, maybe the hate is also just something they create to extract fuel from us.

        They can turn their hatred towards us on and off. They do that all the time, just as they do with their “love”.

        3+
  3. On a more positive note: most writers, singers, painters, musicians, poets and actors are narcissists, and their narcissism gave them the drive to succeed and create the most beautiful things you have ever seen.

    Our world would be the same without narcissists, so is not just a bad thing.

    You just don’t marry them ;-).

    16+
      1. So as long as you just play with them, and not marry them, it’s all good then? Lol. IF we can handle it… He told me when he said that he loved me he meant it, but that the damage was already in progress. Didn’t know what he meant, but after I found you, it made me think of what you said about Amanda, and that what you are didn’t fully develop until around then. We were around that age (16/17) when we became intimate. I feel like I was his experiment. His practice doll. He admits he knew sense of smell was the strongest binder of memories and emotion so he selected one and bonded it to everything between us. Claims it was not done maliciously. Is that even possible if he didn’t fully grasp everything yet? I feel like he does have a high degree of awareness of what he is. Now.

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    1. Iris, I believe the great art is original. By definition, creativity can not be based on mirroring, it has to do with our emotions and a child inside us. The great art is spontaneous, it is never a calculated move set up to impress. What you see in the eyes of a true artist is his love, not a copy of yours. You learn from him, not the other way around.

      3+
      1. Exactly, that is why there must be some positive emotions left somewhere in their brain. If only they could tap into them in other situations…..

        0
    2. I am thinking in Picasso
      Everybody talk about his black eyes..
      Now i see this black eyes are N eyes.
      His womans realations are N relations.

      2+
      1. Angela, yes, Picasso is one of the Greater. You can find his narcissism in each of his paintings. They show a fragmented world with fragmented women.
        Look at “guernica”, described as a monument against war. They never had an interpretation for the big bull in that painting. The big bull – it is him, watching the evil around him.. and enjoying it (My opinion)
        Read a biography about him and you will find out how evil he was.
        Some women who had spent a lot of time with him committed suicide later. His grandson committed suicide. His son died early because of drugs (as far as I remember) Pure chance? I do not think so.
        He was a cruel evil man.
        I never want to see a painting of him again.

        3+
    3. The greatest artists have empathy and emotions in abundance and their work is their true self made manifest through form. Narcissistic artists (e.g. Picasso, Madonna) have skill without authenticity because they are only concerned with fame, fortune, notoriety, etc. (i.e. Fuel) and their work (like the love of a narcissist) is always a simulation meant to garner fuel. Of course their work is popular, especially during their lifetime – it’s the artistic equivalent of the Golden Period ­ – but in the end it’s hollow, without substance.

      There’s a painting by Rembrandt, arguably the greatest painter who ever lived, in terms of both skill and formal invention, and a man whose empathy for humanity and his subjects is evident in every one of his works (and a man who eschewed fame and fortune for artistic ideals – something a narcissist would never do) called “Artist in His Studio” that depicts a painter standing in the back of the composition, in the shadows, whilst the painting on his easel stands in the fore, occupying most of the composition. This is the essence of great art: the work is more important than the artist. No narcissist could have painted this.

      4+
      1. I don’t agree Jude. There are bubblegum narcissistic artists like Madonna, who are only in it for fame and fortune, but there are also many narcissistic artists out there that are capable of making breathtakingly beautiful art.

        Where it comes from I don’t know but I see emotions, lots of emotions.

        Maybe their brain is so split that one part of it is purely white. That’s the part they can only tap into when they are creating something.

        Call me a romantic if you like, but where else could this ability come from?

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      2. The beauty and the emotions, if the artist is a narcissist, are manufactured. It’s just like the beauty and love that we see during the Golden Period. Breathtakingly beautiful and fake. If a narcissist can manufacture the illusion of perfect love, surely they can manufacture the illusion of beautiful art. What’s lacking is authenticity, the hallmark of the greatest art.

        1+
  4. It makes me wonder though: where does all this beauty come from if their hearts (minds) are filled with hatred?

    It’s such a strange disorder: they have the capacity for total destruction and beautiful creations at the same time.

    8+
  5. Now you’re selling your kind short HG.

    It’s creation not imitation. It’s too original and fragile to be just an imitation.

    Someone in their minds there is room for beauty.

    1+
  6. Is it that some narcissists truly believe that they ‘love’ a person?

    -The issue is with the feeling the narcissist associates with the word ‘love’.
    If he/she perceives love as ability to exert control over another, use them to project the undesirable aspects of their own personality onto then in return the partner must demonstrate ongoing dedication to making sure the narcissist feels soothed and ego-stroked, does the narcissist then know this has nothing to do with how a non narcissistic disordered individual experiences love?

    0
    1. Yes they do.

      If the narcissist perceives love this way then they will be a greater because he or she knows what they are doing. Lesser or Mid Range do not see what they are doing in the terms you have described.

      0
  7. I have come to see it as two types of people, lets say opposites, attracting each other for a mutual goal.

    I think empath’s are seeking the perfect love, and without having found it, we too experience a void. We are always looking for prince charming.

    The narcissist has a void to fill of different kind. They fill their void by inflicting destruction which engenders their needed fix for power.

    Thus the saying “opposites attract”

    2+
  8. Wow, completely blown away. Currently recovering from a very difficult relationship / break up and have been reading a lot. This is exactly what he did, he created this version of himself that I completely fell for. Head over heels, not thinking, crazy, insanely in love. I’m so thankful for the internet and the ability to learn about narcissism, because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to manage. Nobody seems to understand what I’ve been through. It’s like Jekyll and Hyde, only worse, because the person I knew (and loved) never existed. I’m terrified because every single future relationship I walk into, I’m not going to be able to enjoy. I’ll always be thinking “this is all an act” “it’s all a lie”. I’m severely traumatized and can’t believe I would’ve done anything for that man.

    13+
    1. Broken
      I am feeling the same way right now. My family thinks I am melodramatic…it’s just a break up. My friends are dropping off one by one either because they are tired of me being so paranoid or because he has somehow convinced them I’m this horrible person. It’s so tough to pick yourself up from this kind of treatment.
      I also worry about being gun shy in future relationships, but there are some great posts from HG about identifying Narcissists early on. If you search “Exposed” in the search feature on this blog, you will find several articles with questions you can ask early on that will help you to at least see some red flags before you get ensnared. The more I search this site, the more empowered I feel! I think I might just make it now!

      5+
    2. Dear broken, in my opinion he has created just nothing, he just reflected/mirrored your own love, projected it to you even using your own energy: mimicrae indeed HG.

      Broke up a few weeks ago and I remember this: only WE have been able to see and feel what our own love looks like and wasn’t it beautiful? This fact elevates us above the abuser who cannot even feel our love thus acting only as an empty vehicle.

      At least we are proven of the beauty that our love can bring, only look out to expose it to the right kind of people… This is however the only positive note I can see of this abusive behaviour.

      6+
    3. Dear broken,
      So so sorry to hear of your heartache. Please try to be easy on yourself. Please give yourself time to heal. Let Mr Tudor guide you. He will make you stronger and empower you. Ask questions, seek answers. It’s very daunting at first, but it will slowly fall into place.
      Try to not think of the future just yet, but the now.
      Once you discover yourself, then love yourself, you will then begin a new journey.
      There are many wonderful, very experienced and extremely amazing people here who will help and guide you. Please take care for now.
      Heartfelt wishes to you
      💜

      5+
      1. Mimicry? I think not, Your facade would want us to believe these sound bytes. This blog is no joke, not shallow and not copy cat, It is a treasure. A work of art. Something to behold. With heart and soul, I don’t care what you call it, HG. xx

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  9. Mr HG Tudor,

    I like this post very much, in all its honesty, fearlessness, and vulnerability. You set your eyes on someone special – you have feelings for them. You desire them for who they are. This is real, this is true, you are not lying.

    I guess, just like every one of us, you’ve got to deal with this growing feeling of falling in love as you go down the rabbit hall… And then sh*t hits the fan. Unlike Alice from Carroll’s tale, you are unable to enjoy the mind-blowing trip to the magic kingdom of the unknown. You absolutely have to see where you are headed. You begin plotting your route to ensure the safest path and opportunities for escape. You are no longer tripping while the fear of losing control erases most of your emotions.

    You praise yourself for being invincible and omnipotent while others get hurt in your manufactured fall. In reality, all you do is create your escape route – from love. And in the process, you end up hurting yourself so much more than if you’d simply let go…

    …When and who wounded your little Alice, Mr Tudor?

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  10. You cannot love and yet you crave love. You want to be loved so bad. And when you are loved you cannot believe it’s real. Because you manufacture love you believe everyone is a lier and cannot be trusted. But it is you who craves love more than anything.

    1+
  11. This is exactly how it went down for me over twelve months. A flip of a switch at the end and the the monster came out. And after all the reading and learning I’ve done on this site, it still confounds me. It left me devastated like nothing else ever has. Still healing almost a year later. Doubting my capacity to trust another man ever again. Unbelievable!

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