Never Again

NEVER AGAIN

I have lost count of the times that I have been told “never again”. I have heard it said by other people who have met my kind even more often. I am entirely relaxed when I hear this phrase because I know that although your intentions are to never go through that dance again with me or one of my kind, it will happen. We may be gone for some time but we will return and when we do we will resurrect all those wonderful memories as we seek to Hoover you back into our reality. The emotional attachment that we create is so great that even though you looked in the mirror every morning and mouthed “Never again” to yourself you will struggle to resist. You cannot help but wonder if this time it will be different. You do not want to say no for fear of someone else receiving our amazing and scintillating love. You want it. You learned the lessons and as the introspective empath that you are (as well as suitably conditioned by us) you will blame certain things on yourself. You will convince yourself, because you want to taste that mesmerising kiss once again, that we have changed and that this time it will be different. Why should someone else get to experience that wonderful love? That is not fair. You put up with the rough and the smooth. You have earned your stripes so it is only right that you get to have us again isn’t it? That is what you want. When we first departed and you saw (for we wanted you to see) that we had found someone new it ripped you apart. Notwithstanding the full horror of your dance with us you hated the fact that someone else now basked in our glorious light. You wanted to warn them not because you cared about that person but because you wanted us back. You wanted us to yourselves. You felt a sense of unfairness that she was now with us. You would lie awake wondering if I was saying the same things to her as I had said to you. You wondered how she would respond to that blazing, heavenly love that you once relished. Would I be the same for her as I was to you? You kept telling yourself that it was only a matter of time before she befell the same fate that you endured, yet the postings and pictures told a different story. You began to worry. Had I changed? Had I become a better person after you? Was she somehow able to please me in a way that you could not? You had to know. You had sworn never again but now you wanted me back. You wanted her to go away and free me to be yours again so that you could apply your learned lessons and everything would be wonderful again. She did not deserve me did she? But you did. You made such sacrifices. You opened your heart to me despite the daggers I drove into it. You served your time and you are entitled to your reward. Not this Jane-come-lately. You want to give us that chance to prove we can do it. You want to show you brought benign influence to bear. You want to prove that the beast can be brought to heel in the most compassionate manner. You might say never again but you do not truly mean it. Not in your heart of hearts.

By contrast when we say “Never again” we most definitely mean it. Never again will your life be the same after meeting us. Never again will you feel able to trust anybody after being subjected to our acid reign. Never again will you be able to smell certain scents, hear certain songs and see certain places without breaking down in tears. Never again will you love someone in the way that you loved us. Never again will you want somebody as much and in such an intense way as you wanted us. Never again will you be able to feel calm and relaxed since for too long you have been subjected to a heightened state of anxiety. Never again will you experience that euphoria you once had with us. So when you declare never again it is never truly meant, but what you fail to realise is just how many things will never again be the same for you.

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11 thoughts on “Never Again”

  1. As HG likes to say, GOSO. This is a great article to read if you’re having a day when you think you can’t win with your narc, you just have to read from their rulebook. They lull themselves into a false sense of security because they believe that we will never leave. Until we do.

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  2. Hi HG – it’s not as black and white as that. We (perhaps not all of us, but many) feel a duty to warn. We do really care about the Narcissist’s new victim, or the one they triangulated us with. It’s not always a case of we ‘tell’ because we want you back. We’re angry, we feel we are owed an explanation, we seek answers and closure. Above all else, we do not want anyone else falling down the rabbit hole. That’s how empathy manifests itself in this case. We feel a strong urge to warn others, in an effort to save them from a similar fate. We may still ‘love’ the Narcissist but at the same time feel very strongly that we do NOT want them back. To state that we warn only because we can’t stand that the Narcissist is no longer with us, is incorrect.

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  3. Not everybody is the same.
    It is not the same 6 months or 1 year later.
    Of course we can forget N
    Of course we will never be the same
    But forget the N..mmm..its very very good..mmm

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  4. And there are a lot of good people to love and to be love..good people..
    N always think he is the best..but really ..after know this dark empty hart and ugly person i only feel nasty…i am in my own process and day after day i am better..like all of us..
    until now 6 month 0 contact and i am in my 75 % of myself..
    N never will come again..he sow my Supernova side…and i can be more double Supernova..better dont see me…
    This blog is important to me..at the moment..make me dont forget i been dancing with evil and i throuhg him away of my life

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  5. Fortunately this it isn’t true for me.

    I’ve had 3 relationships with 3 midrange narcs, but with 2 of them I didn’t miss them at all when I finally broke it of with them. They’ve hoovered me many times and many times I went back, but when I was finally through with them, I was really through with them.

    I sometimes see them by accident and they mean nothing to me. I’m completely indifferent to them. And they didn’t change me at all, I just went back to being me without any effort on my part.

    The last one was different. Getting over him one took me quite some time and the cravings lasted much longer. And because of social media I could now cyber stalk him, which off course only delayed my healing, but I eventually did.

    And this last narc didn’t change me either, because I realized it isn’t about him at all, it’s about me. My relationship with him gave me the change to look within and now I feel a lot better about myself. I can now say “never again” and mean it.

    The narcs on the other hand are the ones that can never say “never again” and mean it, because they are the ones who are forced to repeat the same cycle over and over again: they can never stop idealizing, never stop devaluating and never stop hoovering.

    They are stuck and fail to realise that everything will always be the same for them.

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  6. Yes I said never again and we are back together without me even consenting he just declared it so and I didn’t argue. Then I had a dream last night about being sexually assaulted by an ogre lol probably not a coincidence.

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  7. This may be the mantra the narcissist chants to himself to self soothe. But it is not an accurate reflection of reality. Your ways weren’t that mesmerizing, and some of us can live quite marvellously without you. I for one will never take that loser back no matter what he does. He destroyed our pact himself, and I am stronger than him in every sense. He will have to accept that I simply got away from him. Forever.

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  8. I can finally say this! Just found out my ex-Narc, who has been withdrawing contact little by little, told a friend that he can’t be bothered with annoying people anymore and just got rid of one (me), and that the entire relationship dynamic was getting ridiculous (me asking why he was withdrawing contact each time it happened). I may have been a shelved IPSS, but this would mean he is done with me and I have been dis-engaged from, pushed from the shelf…which is a relief. Never Again!!!

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  9. Dear Mr Tudor,

    “Obviously” , we will “never again” be the same!

    However ……

    Trust doesn’t come with refills!

    Never again!

    Excellent article Mr Tudor

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