Poll : All About the Ex?

POLLHG WANTSTO KNOW

It is usually the case that there will have been an ex when you engaged with your narcissist, where the entanglement falls within the romantic dynamic.

How did the narcissist behave with regard to the ex? Was he or she never mentioned or barely referred to, as if there was never one or if there was, he or she had simply vanished off the planet? Perhaps the ex was smeared, called the psycho ex or the crazy harpy? Alternatively, did the narcissist speak well of the ex and did so in the highest terms in order to demonstrate there was no ill feeling or did you later realise that there was triangulation taking place as the various virtues of the ex were espoused to make you jealous, hurt or irritated?

Perhaps the narcissist started off smearing the ex but then it changed and he or she shifting tack, being pleasant to and speaking well of this ex? Did the narcissist return to the ex at any point, either whilst still involved with you or afterwards or perhaps even both. You may choose as many as are applicable before casting your vote and do expand on your experiences in the comments section.

Thank you for participating.

How has the narcissist behaved towards the ex?

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35 thoughts on “Poll : All About the Ex?”

  1. Popular answer ‘smeared the ex from the start ‘ just what I expected and I can imagine what he is saying about me now !!!! But I can not change that at all, I know the truth , however frustrating at times we can not control what comes out of someone’s mouth , I can only change me and how I deal with it !!! IGNORE all the way .

    1+
  2. Mine hated the ex and constantly told me what an awful, cheating whore she was and how she broke his heart. After a couple months I caught him texting her. After another month I caught him cheating on me with her. After I ended it I found out from her that they were talking the whole time and she knew all about me and that I was wrong about him and that he isn’t a narcissist or a psychopath and that he had only shoved her once so totally not abusive. 😀 I have a feeling she is a narcissist herself. She is definitely one of his flying monkeys. They can have each other. December 8th was one year free (with only a short relapse when he was hoovering). I see him for what he is now not what I wished him to be and it is ugly.

    4+
  3. Good morning, I have just started reading your blog, I have not read any of your books yet but will in the near future. Wow, very interesting and helpful and sad and so so real. After reading some of the articles I couldn’t believe how, accurate and familiar it sounded. I never could get a good reading or understanding from him. Yes he did sweep me of my feet and yes I did marry after 6 months and yes the real him soon showed up. We are in the process of a divorce. Anyhow I answered accordingly on how it happened to me. 🙁

    3+
  4. One of my answers was “Left me for the ex”, but that was just the closest choice. She was with someone else and resisted, but he told her he still loved her, etc. He really seemed to absolutely hate her throughout our entire relationship, so it was hard to hear at the time. The 1st tine I heard about it was a few weeks after our wedding after our 1st fight. When he broke my arm then got me arrested for scratching him. I later realized the scratch was self-inflicted. He had been facing a felony, and my state has a no retaliation law. Problem solved for him – I was never even able to file charges or tell my side of the story since it didn’t ever go to court. But I digress. Anyway, I had moved in with my parents temporarily and was devastated and trying to figure out wtf just happened. Hearing he told her he still loved her hurt more than the broken arm.
    On another note, my narc really put her (and her husband) through the ringer. He harassed them both continually. The things he did to them were just insane. Went on for many, many years. This is his kids’ mother.
    I developed a strong relationship w her after I moved out. She inadvertently exposed our relationship though to her daughter, and he then subsequently found out we were friends. I was terrified of what he would do and had to distance myself. She didn’t truly understand what he was. She knew the words narcissist and sociopath, but doesn’t really grasp what they signify. I tried to get her to read your writings HG, especially the ones about the children, but she said she already knows he’s crazy and has moved on.

    1+
  5. There wasn’t really one for me listed. When we first got together, mine acknowledged that exes existed and briefly described the relationships (after I asked about them), but then never mentioned them again. Nothing negative was ever said about an ex.

    1+
  6. Pretty similar to what you describe in your articles.
    The ex was..
    smeared as crazy. but given the occasional compliment ….then triangulated against me with the cold-shoulder….then the ex still loves me…then given some more compliments.

    Also the non-physical forms of cheating like the long intimate conversations and all that.

    2+
  7. She is so special, but not very intellectual. And crazy a bit, you know… too emotional! But she is special, because she was the first… It worth to go back and forward, breaking up and coming back, raging then hugging, hoovering around 10 times across three years. Stalking all the time.
    I knew the story to details.
    Poor girl. It seems she stuck with him for a very long time.
    The time he dis-engaged with me he was informed by lieutenant that she is planning wedding with somebody. As I understood he was very busy to interfere with that … and succeed later to destroy her plan. No wonder.

    He spoke mostly good of her. Kind of still idealizing a bit.

    1+
  8. Beginning of Golden Period: Did not hear about her much
    End of Golden Period: He would triangulate her with me and smear her
    Devaluation Stage: He would triangulate her with me and smear me
    Respite Period: She entered a new relationship with someone else and had a lot of other things going on with her life. The Narc and I carried on with our life for a while. The weird thing is, I always liked the Ex, I just didn’t trust him, and knew he loved to manipulate situations. After my formal relationship ended with the Narc, the Ex and I talked briefly here and there over the phone. She let me know that all of the amazing things the Narc said about their past relationship was not true, it was never a great relationship with the exception of a few fun times here and there. She also did not think that he was even capable of intimacy. When I found out she had the same experience as mine, despite what the Narcissist claimed, I was validated that he will never change.

    2+
  9. My narc has never smeared his exes. The first five or so years he never or rarely mentioned them. It wasnt until about two years ago he brought up an ex out of the blue. We were talking about paranormal type topics and he mentioned how she had experienced a lot in her last home. He then went on to say he wasnt surprised bc of her “bubbley” personality. This really bothered me and i confronted him on it. I told him i didnt want to hear about his exes ever again. This i think surprised him that id call him out on it. Ummm yeah i do have some self respect and im not going to allow you to parade an ex in front of me like that!
    Ordinarily in a healthy relationship with mutual trust you can talk about an ex and feel ok with it but i knew this to be triangulation and a deliberate attempt to upset me. I also feel it was an admission to the fact he was again in contact or reentering the golden period with her. Coincidentally the shelving of our intimacy started. He also brought up how her daughter was attending his same college and he now shares a lot about this college with me as he follows it on facebook again …covert triangulation.
    He also told me his ex will send the odd polite hello email…which i didnt need to know….yet again…triangulation. I flat out told him no more about your ex i dont want to know.
    Its not a surprise he is still in contact with her bc there is no reason to ever fully end a relationship as we know narcissists to be like but every reason to keep them in the wings for fuel and as leverage for negative fuel from the currect partner. We really are just fuel sources to narcissists. They love us for what they can get from us.
    My narc doesnt smear he triangulates.

    2+
  10. My comment refers to the somatic I knew, likely of the lesser school. He claimed he had multiple exes who cheated on him. He failed to mention he was ever married and that his ex wife divorced him.

    Well, years later I looked up ex wifey on FB and this chick (as well as his others) is incredibly mousy and insecure. Somatic is buff and hot and covered in tattoos. There is no way she would have cheated on him. Her motto even says, how she is ‘an overly caring person who can get crazy if betrayed.’

    Hmm. That is telling. My nick name for him is ‘Slit Licker’ because he said to me, ‘I want to lick your slit,’ after chatting with me for half an hour.

    A true poet, he was. A maestro of words. A man who gets to the point and licks it.

    1+
  11. Mine simply smeared his ex and the ex before her. He never went back to any of them or triangulated me with them in any way that I know of. But he was really quick to tell me of how unfortunate he’d been in love. I’m almost ashamed to admit it but he did this on our very first date over dinner. I did react, thought it was strange to even feel that kind of an agression towards an ex; let alone two exes. I’ve had problems in my past relationships too, but I would never make that into a topic of conversation on a first date. Or ever. I’ve tended to leave those problems behind, make peace with it all, see the person for the good qualities he had, and still be on friendly terms with all my exes. But then, as I reasoned with myself, we’re all different. But still I did feel uncomfortable, it was way too private way too soon. In the future I’ll recognise this red flag immediately.

    The things he said about the exes are of course what he says about me too now. They were unfaithful to him first and foremost. They were mentally ill, psychos, they harassed him, they were both deeply in love with him (which doesn’t really fit the picture if they were cheating on him); one of them texted him night and day for months after the breakup which was certain proof of her mental instability; she had a gambling addiction, the other one was a pathological liar.

    The only way I will differ here and gain some fame and individuality in his sick mind will be when it comes to the matter of addiction. Probably I’ll be an alcoholic; we fought a lot about his business dinners and the amount of alcohol he consumed so whenever I had a glass or two of wine he would label me an alcoholic and feel superior. Some unhealthy projection usually made his day;)

    0
  12. When I would say or do something and he was displeased, he would say “you’re just like my ex” or “you just did what my ex did to me.”

    0
  13. Mine smeared ALL the exes. They were all psychos. Some who were “friends with benefits” for a once or twice knock off, and not actual girlfriends, were initially spoken highly of and then he would tell a story about them in an unfavorable light. Even old female friends are spoken of first in a good light and then he say something negative about them. He didn’t get a chance to see them again as they all live or moved out of state and led better lives. My ex is a lesser and won’t travel five minutes to see a friend, let alone an hour or more.

    0
  14. the ex was crazy, perverse, and a stalker. come to find out the reverse was true. this woman followed the narcissist way exactly as you discribe in your articles. the ex was a empath. this woman emotionally and financially bankrupted me. it wasn’t until I stumbled on a narcissist blog during her discard stage that it all made sense. I do miss the love bombing in the beginning but was short lived. and it took three more years before I left the situation. in the end I uncovered all the lies and her 5 marriages. I discovered credit cards opened by her in my name. one thing that blew my mind during discard she stopped having sex, but I would return home and her sex toy would be left out. unbelievable things like this. discovered so many things on her phone that was shocking. finally I had enough and removed myself and have not contacted her. 32 days left before the divorce is finalized. I am sure her next supply is on the hook and I feel sorry for that person.

    2+
  15. Badly smeared her from the start even up to me escaping myself..
    Urrgh.
    It was exhausting. Im done with it all now.

    0
    1. Id like to add that he would be unfair or unreasonable at times over access to his children with her …after he had finally obtained it without supervision… and on occasion I had to gently say to him “well maybe she was thinking this or maybe it’s that” etc over whatever it was… I was trying to help and be the Peacemaker but he went ballistic accusing me of ‘siding’ with her.. I didn’t even know her never met her… and any remark I made was purely based on the facts and being evenly balanced.

      But then I said to him don’t ever speak to me about your children or her ever again because he was just getting nasty with me and constantly arguing with me after being on the phone with her or anything to do with her. I was getting it in the neck and I said “don’t you dare take it out on me” and I used to say get lost and clear off in the end.

      It caused huge arguments especially if I had a day off he would call me up and start an argument over her …with me! And my day off would be completely ruined..

      I completely get it all now and I will not fall into that trap again as long as I live.

      I’m doing absolutely nothing to encourage but he still hoovers me. I travelled a completely brand new back-roads rat run to get to work yesterday morning and unbelievably he was coming the other way on the other side of the road. No shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes.. he tooted his horn on tbe car and waved.
      My phrase in life is “what are the odds?!”

      No wonder is it.

      1+
      1. My narc was married to his ex but they had divorced…His ex is happily remarried and had another child in recent years with her husband. They are successful people that live a long way away.
        So him getting all ansy with me over anything was ludicrous…
        I see what he was doing now but to be blunt it really really bored me once my irritation would subside.
        If I ever run up against something like this in the future with anyone I will be completely weaponized thanks to HG.
        I didnt fare ‘too’ badly at the time but my tools were not sharp enough…
        Not then.

        2+
  16. I remember i felt very bad because that.
    When i ask why she was so horrible he only said silly things.
    When i throhgt him away definitly….my revenge..
    I told him that now i understand that poor woman that he always tolk so bad about her..
    He was furius…i was happy…
    I sow pic from this woman..she looks nice and sweet…not at all the woman he make me think she was…i know i was right …he is the problem..not me ..not she..not all the others ones..
    I Didnt know about N persons..but he is exactly N person.

    1+
  17. Most of his exs he was friendly with, but his one long term relationship before me was his crazy ex. I would venture that she is also a narcissist. I had met some of their mutual friends, and they would say that his ex is crazy, also that she accused him of the very things she was doing. Sound familiar? I’m sure he was no angel, just better at damage control.

    He did take me over when he went to pick up his son at her mothers house, and her mom and sister were very happy to meet me, W had “bragged” about me and his son and I got along very well so he also had said nice things about me.

    Whenever I had to deal with her, she was only ever nice, polite and very friendly to me. I do believe he may have “faked her out” a couple times, while with me. He made sure I was right there when he told her on the phone, “Thanks for the offer, but my wife is here now”. Whatever her offer may have been innocuous, like an offer of a ride to the hospital where his mom was dying, but he made sure it sounded to me like she wanted more from him .Or he had led her on that she had a chance. Plus they both thought he would inherit big money.

    When he himself was dying, we were invited to his exs fathers house for dinner, with ex and her date, she did talk to him a lot ignoring her date while we were there, trying to share memories with him, but she kept lighting cigarettes while sitting next to him with his oxygen tank. LOL!

    The one’s whose marriages or relationships he had broken up before abruptly dumping them, were never mentioned, or if mentioned, he never let on that he had ANY relationship with them. I only found out about them when I found their broken heart letters to him that he had kept as some sick souvenirs..

    0
  18. My MMRN seldom mentioned his ex and, when he did, it was neutral for the most part and it didn’t bother me when he talked about her.

    0
  19. There was never an ex because he said he never had a girlfriend. He is also a virgin. We never had sexual relations or kissed, but we talked about sex a lot. He used a lot of songs to seduce me “I could treat you better”. It seemed like he was trying to seduce me for at least 5 months. I would always tell him that I didn’t know when he was kidding or serious. There was a lot of hot and cold but I also played that way. I was taken, but enjoyed the attention. My current relationship was lacking physically and emotionally (He was my co-worker we worked in close quarter for 6 hours a day for 8 months also I’m 25 years older) He used to ask me if I would get rid of my partner. When his game became mean I got mad at him but didn’t tell him because I thought I had no right to feel hurt for someone else since I was taken already, but eventually it came out that I was upset when my sister was having health problems, he thought he could hug me to make me feel better, but I told him I didn’t want a hug. So he started going after me for a hug and I kept dodging him. The last few things after that was him peacocking to Boyz to men “End of the road” and Journeys “Faithfully” and playing with my hair. The next day he asked straight up in a non joking manner. “Lets be honest I want sex” I didn’t say anything because I thought he might say “not with you” just to mess with me because he was acting weird. One time when my leg touched his leg he lifted his finger up and nodded “no” with his finger to move my legs. The day I got disengaged was a day I got what seemed like another serious question “ do you ever think you will leave your partner” I said no. Then after that everything about me sucked. He would say “I would never have anything to do with you your old, taken, deflowered). He used to play with my hair but now he pulled it.

    0
    1. I also wanted to mention he deleted all conversations and pictures from my phone and his phone. He just took it out of my hands (like he always does) and as I’m trying to wrestle with him to get me my phone back he grabs his crotch and says “you can’t have my virginity”. I asked him why he wants me on Facebook if he doesn’t like me anyway he didn’t say anything. Three days before last day with working with him he said “ lets pretend tomorrow that we don’t know each other and this our first day working together” I said it’s your choice but it sounded good to me. The next day comes around, and he is sitting on a bench, and he says “ hi Isabella” I said I thought you wanted to pretend he said “ Nah I changed my mind” I said OK. The last day at work he said “well I’m on to a better job and younger women. He had one last message, he said I never do anything that he suggested and that he wanted me to go to a particular restaurant that he though had really good food and tag him and post on Facebook. By coincident my friend invited me to go to that restaurant and I posted it on my social media but not tag him, after that he pressed the like button, and he asked me “tell me everything”. He then started to click the like button on a lot of my pictures again also to bring up a shirt that he asked me not to wear, and I was wearing it. I started thinking about this and thought why am I allowing him to act like nothing had happened? So I took the advice of HG and unfriended him on all social media. Didn’t hear anything from him for three months. When I went back to work he was still working there but with someone else working alongside of him (we had both signed our names to work together next year) I was not planning on doing this I just put his name down so he would leave me alone, and I was planning on when I went back to work to ask for someone else but for some reason he got someone else. (he probably asked for someone else) Which I was happy about. He would usually just look at me, or ignore me. I just ignored him. He did come up to me and tell me he gave them two weeks and is going to another job. I said that was good because it had insurance. Then he said see you later and that was it until the last day which he gave me an enthusiastic wave good bye.

      0
      1. HG if I may ask? How common is a virgin somatic narc with using the virginity to gain fuel? I was also with someone else which made me more of a difficult catch. Also, is it possible he used the sex lure to keep me around when really he just wanted someone to make him feel good and was not sexually attractive to me (I’m over 20 years older than he is, my info above) Thanks so much.

        0
      2. WOW! I never would have guessed that answer. I want to thank you so much for answering my question HG! He is a christian, and he said he never had sex with anyone. (he said he wants his first time to be with a virgin like him). I could be wrong about him being a somatic. He dresses nice and has to have nice things. Also, has a disability on his leg, so he limps when he walks, and he always wishes he was taller. He would ask me what it’s like to have sex. (he said it sounded messy :)) over time he seemed to flirt with me eventually when he hugged me he would look at my breast and for Christmas he gave me a gift card for a massage, he pretended to trip, so I could catch him. He later told me, “ my mom (he lives with his mom) keeps telling me you have a boyfriend” as he is about to put his arm around me, but then he pulled it back. (maybe it’s because I didn’t say anything) When he got a ride with my boyfriend and I he started playing with my hair from the back seat. I kept looking back then back to my boyfriend to see if he saw what was happening, then he started it again. At first, I didn’t know what he was doing. I just thought he was immature. Also, he loved babies! One time I thought I was pregnant by my boyfriend, and he was so excited he wanted me to buy a pregnancy test. When he disengaged with me his new friend was pregnant, and she was married. I think he loves babies and children for his sources. He sometimes seemed more excited when he was around my kids. If I may ask another question HG? So from what I have written(also from above and below) did he want to have sex with me and is it possible that kids and relatives are his main sources. He never seems to be with girls often. I understand if you don’t have time to answer.(I am SO thankful that you answered my other question) I just have not found a lot of info on why he loves babies and kids, the virgin aspect and did he want sex?

        0
  20. He never wanted to speak of her for the first six months. After that it was non-stop smearing. Have you any insight for that?

    0
    1. Evidently suitably infatuated with you he gave next to no thought to her and then he became concerned that she was going to pose a problem.

      0
  21. My ex-narcissist would never mention the five wives that came before me. He did once or twice, briefly, and the very very few comments were along the line of being crazy or slutty (left him for another woman or cheated on him). Imagine how FIVE wives mistreated him! Well, after I fell off (was pushed) my pedestal he began the triangulation with how sexy and beautiful and smart and accomplished they all were and that I really couldn’t compare. He went on about how he, his first wife and her 16-year-old sister used to have sex and how this first wife gave him an orgy for his 23rd birthday (1973). She was so incredibly sexy and such a “nympho.” Then it was the second wife and how she was a world class chemist and took him all over the world – and would bring women back to their hotel room for him. The third wife was allegedly a bank Vice President and could write herself loans to buy them anything they wanted. The fourth wife understood him so well and she was the only woman he ever “loved.” She was so unbelievably beautiful and was an artist who had regular gallery shows. The fifth wife adored him. She was a medical doctor and he didn’t have to work because SHE took care of him. She was just the most incredible interesting charming lovely woman – that is until she left him with mother for “a big black dildo.”

    I wonder what he says about me. Probably that I gave him whatever he wanted and bought him a 32’ sailboat for his 66th birthday, but that was only to make him “stay” with me. I know now how he left those five wives broke and broken after a year or two (at least I lasted eleven). I could never understand why he had NO ONE in his life except me – no parents, no wives, no girlfriends, and his two daughters have never seen or heard from him since they were two and three years old (1976). Somehow I bought that BS – all of it. My golden period lasted almost a year. I started a steady devaluation that would alternate with a horrific discard, then a Hoover within a month. I always was allowed to come “home” if I would “behave.” The last discard he planned for at least two years! He left me totally broke but got $163. He took every.single.thing. I would have been literally homeless if I hadn’t had the two credit cards with a total of $20,000 available credit (which he didn’t know about and refused to let me apply for). Thank God I had them because I basically had to start my life over at 50. I often wonder if he regards me as one of those wonderful beautiful charming intelligent ex-wives now to the new IPPS. I honestly pity her and would tell her to stay clear if I could, but I won’t throw my soul back into THAT fire! Besides, I’m pretty sure I prevented any Hoovering this time by filing a restraining order and testifying that he raped me twice, best me up and broke my nose twice and sought to call my employer to smear me. Two years within access to his beloved guns and ammo-making equipment, thus his gunsmithing hobby. He got all the assets, but I’m 51 and he’s 68 – a little long in the tooth now, a retired veteran, deaf, going blind, and largely impotent (my fault you know). Karma IS a bitch. I can make the money back, but he’s always going to be a bitter old man – and a greater narcissist. Good luck with that Baby!

    2+
  22. He doesn’t smear an ex in anyone’s presence that I know of. He always speaks kindly of them. Well, except his wife.

    He referred to any other women as “friends”. She is my “friend’. Always very sincerely as if they meant something to him in a truly caring and platonic way.

    He also wouldn’t mention them very often. I would only occasionally get phrases like, “you should take up running like xyz…she runs for an hour every day.” This was a triple whammy. I got his lovely memory of her staying so dedicated to physical fitness and discipline. The joy of thinking about whether or not he was comparing my body to her and what a fat cow he must be thinking I am, which, I am not.

    He is a genius like that. One short phrase used to kill three birds. Even now reminiscing about it makes me feel less than her. Her body is average and she’s only marginally attractive. I know that sounds catty as hell but it really is true. He could’ve used dog poo to triangulate me and it still would’ve been effective.

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  23. The Greater speaking about his exes’ always bored me to tears. (except the one that suicided) I don’t do jealousy. He would talk about the one who worked for him the most vacillating between being pleasant about her then smearing her. Back & forth, back & forth, blah, blah, blah… to the point I eventually just blurted out ‘well, you were the one who was going to marry her.’ He neither expected or liked that response saying ‘oh thanks!’ sarcastically. It must have wounded or he realised it’s ineffectiveness & changed exes’ after that. I have no doubt she was the ex he went back to after me though & more than likely while we were still together. He then fired her a month later but she is still part of the inner circle.
    It was also one of three warning shots I fired at him that I’d had enough.

    When he spoke of his ex IPPS which is also his business partner, there is a distinct difference. There is jealousy that it is not him that he is with.

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  24. I chose several answers because my narcissist had two exes.

    First, there was an estranged husband. At the beginning of my entanglement with the narcissist, he was around the house every night and on weekends. She told me that they had separated almost four years earlier and he lived and slept in a different house nearby but was at her home as much as possible in order to be around the children. She said she loved him but they weren’t good together. (the very same words she would eventually use on me during disengagement) He was painted as the abuser, serial cheater, bully, pervert and porn addict, etc. and she frequently told me how jealous he was of me and showed me his angry texts about me and our relationship. Once my devaluation commenced, he was painted white and used for triangulation. I would get the silent treatment whenever he was around (holidays, birthdays, family events, kids’ performances at school, etc.) because she “didn’t want to upset him” even though he was living with another woman at that point.
     
    There was also another man, who was ubiquitous on her social media and who obviously had a very close, intimate relationship with her going back a couple of years. He “liked” all of her Facebook posts and commented on them almost immediately after they were posted and there were a lot of flirtatious exchanges between them in the comments under her posts which indicated frequent and daily contact via phone, text, etc. and his having an intimate knowledge of every aspect of her life. In spite of this, she never mentioned him to me. We talked for hours every day for months as she regaled me with detailed stories of practically every person she ever knew but this guy was the elephant in the room – the invisible man. As our Golden Period commenced, he gradually began to stop commenting on her posts. Nine months into our relationship, he was gone. I asked her why he was no longer on her Facebook friends list anymore and she said he un-friended her but she didn’t know why. I asked “Who is he, anyway?” and she said he was an old friend from high school who had tracked her down on Facebook years ago. He “had a lot of issues” and she phoned him once a year to catch up because he was lonely and doesn’t have anybody. I asked why he was so ubiquitous on her Facebook and she said it was because he was disabled and spent all day on his computer. Complete and utter lies, as I later found out.
     
    I realize now that this other man had been an IPPS who had replaced the estranged husband, the husband being subjected to malign hovering whilst he supported her and the kids (She doesn’t work.). As I was embedded, the other man was being devalued and eventually discarded (or possibly escaped).

    There were also at least two (that I know of) candidate IPSSs, whom I initially beat out for the position of IPPS, but both were merely shelved during my Golden Period until I was firmly embedded. Eventually, they were taken off the shelf, re-engaged with as possible replacement for me and used for triangulation, along with the husband, now painted white, who was receiving benign hoovers (and probably sex) in her attempt to ruin his new relationship and make me jealous.

    And, of course, all of the others…….. How the fuel did flow!
     
    This was all very confusing at the time, although my instincts were constantly telling me to run. Thanks to you, HG, it all makes perfect sense now. Thank you!

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  25. In the beginning she was such a saint to him. She never spoke too much (I am the arguing monster), she was naive and beautifil. Oh and her family was so perfect. Suddenly he started to mention things he didn’t like about me like my clothes and how I would flirt with his friends and that his ex was just like me. Later on he mentioned that she slept with all his mates after they broke up and I am probably like that too.
    Those accusations were so overwhelming to deal with. He changed his mind in a blink of an eye like he never said the opposite.

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  26. MY narc was married, went back and forth between us for about once she found out about me a year into the relationship, would call her things etc but had respect for her as the mother of his children. I guess I was the dirty little secret. Really I can’t answer if they are together now as I have no idea. He asked to see me in September then told me after sex he was no longer in love with me anymore and didn’t want a relationship with anyone. I didn’t contact him at all then got a message exactly two months later just casual asking how I was and saying hi cause I was in his thoughts and telling me how great a time he was having away in China for work etc, i didn’t respond, a week later two calls several messages and a pic of him smiling telling me that I’d not be far from his thoughts and close to his heart and calling me by my pet name when we were together. I responded saying to leave it be, your not in love with me anymore and I’m giving him what he wants. Then I got you were better of without me I just hope your ok. I’ve blocked him from every avenue to contact me and he knows it. Tells me he still cares for me, blah blah get mcfucked. 3 years down the drain.

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    1. However I was the dirty lil secret that got out to his wifes family, his family and a few others.

      My father was a narcissist so I recently found out, a lessor I guess as he was very violent and emotionally abusive, turns out I’ve been conditioned since birth to be a magnet and easy prey to them I’ve dealt with many in my time of 34 years. Still find it surreal that this is all real, even asked my psychologist if they exist. Lol.

      I am working on myself and my self worth before I even THINK about getting back into dating, but most of all I’m working on getting my boundaries in concrete and achieving all that I want to do/be to be happy in my life.

      A dog came into my care recently, I advise you all if a man doesn’t love you the way a dog does then piss him off, love respect and loyalty is what she’s gives me and I pour my love time and affection into her. 🙂

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