Why the Narcissist Downgrades


“HG, I am decent-looking, have a good job, I am intelligent, caring, fun and interesting, I dress well, I am a dab hand at cooking and nobody has ever complained about my bedroom skills and he has left me for THAT! Why?!”

It is a refrain I have often heard.

Why, when the narcissist could have you, did he go and choose somebody who is clearly inferior to you in so many different ways?

What is so good about her or him?

Where have you gone wrong?

Why on earth has he chosen her over you?

Why has the narcissist downgraded?

This gives you the answer and it will not only help you understand, it will make you feel a whole lot better too.

Find out here

20 thoughts on “Why the Narcissist Downgrades

  1. Leolita says:

    I just ran into an old friend of mine, who also know my ex narc. (I escaped and went NC 6 months ago). she has a serious drug problem (shoots meth amphetamines and pills), which is the reason we are not so close anymore. and the first thing that I noticed is that she was wearing HIS clothes; hoodie and sweat pants. I had never imagined that he would ever be with her, until this happened. But now it kind of makes sense why she picked her….
    1. So she is probably an ego boost and / or a panic pick?
    2. Does it has to do with me, that he picked someone I know?
    3. She must be a perfect «victim», because of hee drug problem and thus easy to manipulate? she has gone from one narcissist to another for many years. (He would probably be a «step up» from her ex, who is a voilent junkie). This is the ONLY woman I know who would be with my ex narc. He is not in «my social circle» in any way.

    I did not comment on the clothes. She came over to talk but seemed a little wary and I was also in a hurry. I keep running into her often. So this was kind of hard. I need some advice AS to how I best can behave.
    4. How come I really wanted to Ask if that was his clothes?
    5. How to best behave next time she approaches me?
    I do not miss him, and have no feelings for him. Still this stressed me. I did not see it coming. I really need some Expert advise, HG.

  2. SandraDee says:

    I don’t know who she is sadly. He blocked me from his page. He said it was only about sex. He is still monitoring my fb page. It took me 2 days to block his harem cause they kept making more accounts.

  3. ava101 says:

    HG? Would a purely somatic narc who is not very intelligent choose not to target an empath with much better education and higher intelligence? And/or would he be blind to the fact?

    And would he in all earnestness expect an ipps to live in a perfect presentable apartment/house because he regards her as an extension?

    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He would be less likely to do so, but if that target had considerable empathic and special traits, these would outweigh the differential in class traits.

      As a somatic, he would expect her to live in good accommodation.

    2. Bibi says:

      Ava, your question matches the lesser somatic I described above. If he is trashy and has no real money and is now 40 and beginning to lose his looks, he will be running out of options.

      Also you have to consider that an intelligent, educated woman with a career and her shit together is much more likely to see through his bullshit. A dumb one won’t.

      I did some more Googling. Teehee! And I saw the 25 yr old girl lesser somatic is with and she has had 2 DUIs just this year, the last one just last week!

      She got arrested and I saw her mug shot. Really classy.

      Chicks like this would have died in childbirth 100 yrs ago. Thanks a lot, modern medicine!

      That irresponsible behaviour doesn’t sound like an empath to me, but sometimes 2 trainwrecks will find each other.

      1. ava101 says:

        Hi Bibi,

        yes, it is interesting. Also how we are not a fit for just any narc. I have been thinking about the narcs or guys with strong narc traits in my past – especially the ones whom I did NOT get together with.

        There was one guy whom I had met through work who was .. hm … not bad looking but not really my type. I found him ok … That was more than 10 years ago. He had almost no education and wasn’t very intelligent. But he worked out a little bit, bleached his teeth, styled his hair, and so on. He was really boring in bed. He told me though about a girl he liked, who sounded like a real fitness freak, she was a cosmetician and he also stressed the fact how immaculate her apartment was. He also told me I was not in his leage. I had no idea what he meant at first and then didn’t understand why he would say that, as he had absolutely nothing to offer me, nor did I find him particularly attractive. But well, I don’t do my hair or nails every day for hours, nor do I work out every day, and my apartment is chaos.
        The girl he kind of dated then (or tried to) was as educated as he was, and kind of cheap looking. … but she was very susceptible.

        The last somatic narc I had closer contact with asked me several times, if I had cleaned my apartment yet that very day … I found that very strange and thought at first it was part of a role play or a joke or whatever. But I then asked him – why? And he said that I as a woman he uhm dated had of course to live in a well-kept, neat environment. He also completely blanked out the other 95 % of me, just like the first guy!

        I also thought about a guy I was friends with for a long time, he was my lover a long time ago, then he had other girlfriends, but we always stayed friends. He is a kind of elite mid range narc I think. But we both never wanted a relationship. I wondered why … He always kept his girlfriends separate from me, so I don’t know much about them, but I do know that they always were less intelligent than me, not better looking or fitter, but much more mothering, pro-active, doing lots of stuff for him, were very compliant in every regard judging from what he told me, … one woman actually furnished his apartment, from choosing the furniture up to putting it together!

        Why my first love had never been my boyfriend is easier to explain … He was more cerebral than somatic, though surely vain (his hair was permed and dyed when I met him, he had a hand crafted charm/necklace he had designed – and he was only 17 then!!), and talking(!) A LOT about sex … etc. His girlfriend wasn’t just really beautiful (though bigger than me), but also mothering, able to cook, helping everyone around her, dependent (not even daring to drive in the city), not very smart nor accomplished but a real worker bee, but she had to offer special residual benefits in form of her family (well-off, political influence, her father was in a very high position and could do a lot for his prospected career), he lived in their house when at university, etc.

      2. Mira says:

        Hi Ava and Bibi!

        Wondering if this helps. I know just 4 narc woman who liked to clean their house a lot. Their could be even more i could remember.

  4. Bonnie Jean Adams says:

    This happened but since he’s been with her, he’s been diagnosed with cancer and has a limited time to live. She has met all of his family and socializes with them. Will he stay with her because he is too sick to move on?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Highly likely.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Umm…he is still with her 3 1/2 years and many triangulating hoovers my way (possibly serving duel purpose) later. Explain that please? I have figured out that she is codependent. …and what I have found, through extensive research, a “reverse narcissist”. She fits all the criteria. Horrible manipulative thing and he said he was with her “to get over me”. Lol! Now I know better but… a little puzzled at why the longevity of the relationship. Unfortunately, we are all working at the same company and I have to see or hear about them quite often. Everyone was puzzled as to “why” he downgraded. Some still are perplexed. I received a promotion 3 years ago and not a day later after finding out that I was to be in management, I was brutally discarded. Albeit, it was after the grand hoover that this happened. The first nail in our coffin occurred after I told him we needed to cool it for a bit the year prior. Not to completely break up but stand back and regroup. I was receiving red flags at the time and needed to reassess the relationship. BAM… he was with her, it seemed, instantly. She was someone I/we didn’t care for. Everything is quite clear now after therapy and research. It absolutely gutted me when it happened and still have healing to do. I have read most of your work however, I haven’t seen anything on a narcissist ~vs~ manipulative codependent narcissistic individual. Your book on codependents describes her only partly. I know she needs to be controlled and has not a thought of her own, hence being wonderful fuel for him. Just surprised that they are still together after all this time. Any thoughts? He is, what I suspect from your writings, a mid ranger. I have him figured out. He has become very predictable.

    1. Mira says:

      Hi Anonymus!

      I have a hypothesis but i can of course not prove it. I think narcs like to triangulate empaths with other narcs (who they think are inferior narcs or made to be inferior to them, thus controllable and can be ‘covenanted’) or married/dirthy empaths. They can include other empaths in the matrix but the core triangle is composed of 2 narcs (in one body kind of, as they melt too) against an empath. They so much like to bully someone together… like to narc parents torment their kids.

      This is what i have seen many times but i can be biased of course. What do you think?

      HG, if you ever happen to have time to comment on this, it is highly appriciated.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        We will triangulate our victims with anybody and anything and this can include other narcissists, although most narcissists will not realise the other part of the triangle is a narcissist (unless a Greater).

  6. Do you need attention? says:


    1. Blank says:

      I could do with a little attention today, why are you asking?

  7. Bibi says:

    Interesting timing. So…the other night I did a somewhat peek at the somatic lesser. (This is NOT the narc about whom I wrote the letter and caused me all that pain.) This is just a dope I blocked online but I thought this was too funny to not share.

    This guy’s entire existence is about looking good and sexual prowess. He is 40 and has a Hot or Not acct with photos that are at least 8-10 yrs old.

    He is with a girl who has multiple kids out of wedlock, one which is with him. She is uneducated, looks trashy, can’t spell, etc.

    In the years since, he has more grey, a beard, looks like a flaccid lumberjack (where did those hot biceps go?) and works as a lawn guy after being a truck driver didn’t work out, I guess.

    When I encountered him he told me he made 100K per year (job title was evasive but I assumed it was a geologist or chemist.) Later I learned he never went to university and barely finished high school. But I accepted what he said at face value. When he told me how much he made, I had a Sophie moment, ‘He is just proud about his new job,’ I thought.

    His goal was just to get me and other women to idealize him sexually.

    How easily I surrendered that idealization. No, I never met him in person, but I was overwhelming him with fuel for the area he craved. He even told me that I did ‘wonders for his ego,’ on my mere compliments alone.

    After the fact, I learned of his criminal past and freaked out. His wife divorced him 10 yrs ago for what appears to have been due to his infidelity.

    He was NEVER my type of guy, mind you, but I do find it telling that he does not look as good anymore, is with this trashy girl who has over processed hair, and he lacks the means to make good money and nor does he have any talent/creativity to make up for it.

    I’m sure it’s an ego stroke to be 40 and and with a 24-25 year old who just had his kid. She is not cultured enough to know what a loser he is. He could never land a woman his own age because he has nothing going for him, no career, no culture, and even his looks are fading.

    HG, I have to say your schools and cadres of narcissists have really helped me to understand why some narcs are like this guy and hold shit jobs or none at all, while others become the CEO of Apple, like Steve Jobs.

    I’d hear how narcissists are supposedly so smart but then I’ve encountered too many dumbasses…like this lesser idiot…to believe that.

    And my remembering this made me take note that perhaps there is a bit of Sophie in some of us, however we might not wish to admit.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Bibi.

  8. GreenEyes says:

    Here’s the deal. When I’m done with your kind and I discard you (the narc). I never look back. I have zero desire or care to look at any pictures and I will never ask anyone one single question about my past narc.

    1. Blank says:

      .. but he or she will be on your mind anyway.. that’s the deal also 🙁

  9. Chingona says:

    They will boink anything that moves, if there’s something to be gained. Never forget that.

    1. Kimi says:


      Ewwww! I know it’s true! I tricked my Narc into showing me pics of his past girlfriends and again, ewwww!😬🤢 However, we were all deceived and abused by the same Narcissist!

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Horns and Halos

Next article

The Five Devaluation Triggers