Have You Seen Who He Is With?



You have been discarded in an unceremonious fashion. If that was not bad enough, word has reached you (naturally purposefully sent your way by our obliging lieutenants) that we have hooked up with someone else. You haven’t even had time to stagger up from the brutal dumping by the wayside that you have suffered and we have already invited someone else into our bed. Naturally, you want to see who has replaced you. Everybody does. This is not just a case of seeing who this person is but it is about your self-esteem and your self-worth to see who has replaced you. You organise a way to observe the replacement and through your own supporters you find some background information about this person. The combination of this viewing and intelligence gathering causes you to remark to your best friend,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

This is not announced out of breath taking admiration for the person who has replaced you. You are not looking on a stunning beauty who holds down a high-powered position in a major corporation, or who is a leader in her particular field of research. She is not known for her charitable work, being universally liked, someone who is committed to family and friends, someone who shines like a gilded trophy partner. She is the opposite.

You invariably undertake an inventory of your own selling points. I have witnessed this many times. You know that you are attractive. Many people have commented on this. Whether it is your glowing smile, your radiant eyes, your lustrous locks, your curvaceous figure, enticing cleavage, elegant shoulders and a score of other things, there is plenty about you that attracts the admiring looks. You may not be a Nobel Prize winner but you know you are bright, hard-working, articulate and have a keen interest in the world around you. You are well-liked by people. They praise your compassion, your wicked sense of humour, your wild side after a few tequilas or your competitive yet fun nature when it comes to sports and games. You are independent, aware and resourceful. You have an excellent job, you probably had money (until we appeared and leeched it away), a decent home and those trappings which denote the fact you are in regular employment and have good taste. You know you are a catch and that is not a boast. There is always room for improvement and you have your flaws, hey, who doesn’t? Nevertheless, you know you have plenty going for you.

But who on earth have we chosen?

You may not wish to be unkind to another member of the sisterhood but your jaw dropped when you saw that first picture that was posted on Facebook. We were stood there, huge grin on our face, arm wrapped around this new acquisition who is, well, everything you are not. If you are curvaceous, she is rake thin. If you are slender, she is packing some beef. Whereas you have long hair, hers is shorn short and looks as if it has been done in anticipation of her beginning a marine training course. Your elegant dress sense has been replaced by somebody who got dressed in the dark. Your eyes shine with intelligence. Hers are dulled from idiocy, drink or narcotics. Your nails are long and sharp, hers are bitten down and dirty. You learn she has no job, or is wearing an electronic tag, has a reputation around town for being a slut, had her children taken away from her, is known for shoplifting, comes from a notorious family on the other side of town and so on and so forth. Pick any combination and you will be left with someone who is not a patch on you.

You may have an initial surge of pride that you stand head and shoulders, metaphorically and possibly even literally, above your replacement, but we know that this is often overtaken by a sense of confusion and bewilderment. Why on earth have we chosen someone like her? After all the compliments that we gave you about the way you looked, how you behaved, the various characteristics that we praised and admired in you, why have we gone down market in choosing your replacement and why do we look so damned pleased about it?

There are a number of factors which you should have regard to.

  1. You may be witnessing a Panic Pick. If you escaped us and we had not embedded a new primary source of fuel, you will have forced us to rely on supplementary sources as we frantically sought out a new source of primary fuel. This is the result. We would ordinarily target someone who has the traits which we look for which align with the type of the narcissist that we are, however, the need to put in place some form of primary source is paramount and consequently we will sink our claws into the nearest half-decent (in terms of fuel provision) appliance we can locate, target and seduce. This person is the outcome of this. Your cessation as being our primary source of fuel, threw us into a panic and we have picked this person.
  2. It may be an Immediate Ego Boost. This also occurs when you have escaped us. Your escape is a huge criticism to us and wounds us. We need fuel and we need it soon. This person has not been targeted for the characteristics which we might purloin from them for our own use (as we did with you – claiming your successes and achievements as our own, basking in the reflected glory) nor have they been targeted for the residual benefits (money, status, good home and so on). This person has been targeted because they are so grateful to have someone take an interest in them that the fuel is gushing and pouring from them. It is likely, although not guaranteed (dependent on the type of narcissist that we are) that we will be a decent catch (or at least appear as one) for them. They feel extra special for having someone so good looking, successful, interesting and so forth take an interest in them. They cannot believe their luck at having traded up in the relationship stakes. Their reaction is one of total devotion, massive fuel supply and this makes us feel all the better after the wounding that we have received at your hands.
  3. It may be a Two Fingered Salute Triangulation (or a Middle Finger Triangulation dependent on where you hail from) which has been done entirely on purpose to undermine you. This happens where we have discarded you and we want to make you feel alarmed that we have chosen someone so beneath you but we chose them over you, so how bad will that make you feel? If you ever challenge us about this replacement and how unsuited she is, you can expect the exchanges to go something like this.

“You always told me that you loved my long hair.”

“I was lying. You took too long drying it when we wanted to go out. I have always preferred short hair and Sandy’s is just the way I like it.”

“You told me you didn’t like skinny women.”

“I never said that. You are just jealous because you are fat and I have found someone who really does it for me.”

“She doesn’t even work, you’ve always complained about people who are scroungers.”

“She looks after me. It is a shame you didn’t do that but you cared more about your job than me.”

“She is some two-bob skank whore. Everyone knows that.”

“She is a firecracker in the sack believe me. What would you know, you are an ice queen?”

Whatever part of the replacement’s appearance or whichever characteristic you identify as being undesirable, we will negate that, criticise you (even though we have always said we liked said characteristic of yours). This is done to upset you so you provide fuel, demean you and erode your self-esteem whilst making us look good in the eyes of your replacement. If this happens to you, you should consider that what is actually happening is that you are being given an early and brutal dose of the truth. What really mattered to us was your fuel and all that praise and all the compliments was solely done for the purposes of binding you to us.

  1. This arrangement provides the basis for a Triangulated Hoover to win you back which stands a greater chance of success.

“I was so lost without you, I lost the plot and chose her. I have no idea what I was thinking, she was not a patch on you, do you see how much you mean to me? I could not find anybody who came close to you. I made a huge mistake and she made me realise that it is you that I really do love. Let’s try again?”

The comparison between you and this less endearing individual and our apparent remorse and contrition is designed to maximise the prospects of this hoover succeeding. You will be shocked by how “off the rails” we appeared to go in choosing the skanky individual and you will be relieved by our apparent realisation that you are the one for us that you are far more likely to accept our overtures and be hoovered.

We will behave like we have found our soul mate (sound familiar?) in order to confuse you and make you feel utterly miserable that we are now happy with this person who we chose over you. You will invariably be caught in the grip of still wanting us and therefore to have been discarded and then replaced with someone like her, hurts you hugely.

Accordingly, should you ever find yourself remarking,

“Have you seen who he is with?”

On the basis of sheer amazement at the down-trading that has gone on, you will now understand the motive and rationale behind it. You should also keep in mind that whichever of the four scenarios detailed above has happened, your replacement will not be in situ for long. This person is a temporary primary source of fuel who will soon be dispensed with. This person is a stop gap to allow us to receive sufficient fuel in the interim while a more suitable and longer lasting victim is selected or is a method purely designed to lash out at you and hurt you until we find again someone more suitable and longer-term.

For once we are not reflecting you.


20 thoughts on “Have You Seen Who He Is With?”

  1. I just ran into an old friend of mine, who also know my ex narc. (I escaped and went NC 6 months ago). she has a serious drug problem (shoots meth amphetamines and pills), which is the reason we are not so close anymore. and the first thing that I noticed is that she was wearing HIS clothes; hoodie and sweat pants. I had never imagined that he would ever be with her, until this happened. But now it kind of makes sense why she picked her….
    1. So she is probably an ego boost and / or a panic pick?
    2. Does it has to do with me, that he picked someone I know?
    3. She must be a perfect «victim», because of hee drug problem and thus easy to manipulate? she has gone from one narcissist to another for many years. (He would probably be a «step up» from her ex, who is a voilent junkie). This is the ONLY woman I know who would be with my ex narc. He is not in «my social circle» in any way.

    I did not comment on the clothes. She came over to talk but seemed a little wary and I was also in a hurry. I keep running into her often. So this was kind of hard. I need some advice AS to how I best can behave.
    4. How come I really wanted to Ask if that was his clothes?
    5. How to best behave next time she approaches me?
    I do not miss him, and have no feelings for him. Still this stressed me. I did not see it coming. I really need some Expert advise, HG.

  2. I don’t know who she is sadly. He blocked me from his page. He said it was only about sex. He is still monitoring my fb page. It took me 2 days to block his harem cause they kept making more accounts.

  3. HG? Would a purely somatic narc who is not very intelligent choose not to target an empath with much better education and higher intelligence? And/or would he be blind to the fact?

    And would he in all earnestness expect an ipps to live in a perfect presentable apartment/house because he regards her as an extension?

    Thank you.

    1. He would be less likely to do so, but if that target had considerable empathic and special traits, these would outweigh the differential in class traits.

      As a somatic, he would expect her to live in good accommodation.

    2. Ava, your question matches the lesser somatic I described above. If he is trashy and has no real money and is now 40 and beginning to lose his looks, he will be running out of options.

      Also you have to consider that an intelligent, educated woman with a career and her shit together is much more likely to see through his bullshit. A dumb one won’t.

      I did some more Googling. Teehee! And I saw the 25 yr old girl lesser somatic is with and she has had 2 DUIs just this year, the last one just last week!

      She got arrested and I saw her mug shot. Really classy.

      Chicks like this would have died in childbirth 100 yrs ago. Thanks a lot, modern medicine!

      That irresponsible behaviour doesn’t sound like an empath to me, but sometimes 2 trainwrecks will find each other.

      1. Hi Bibi,

        yes, it is interesting. Also how we are not a fit for just any narc. I have been thinking about the narcs or guys with strong narc traits in my past – especially the ones whom I did NOT get together with.

        There was one guy whom I had met through work who was .. hm … not bad looking but not really my type. I found him ok … That was more than 10 years ago. He had almost no education and wasn’t very intelligent. But he worked out a little bit, bleached his teeth, styled his hair, and so on. He was really boring in bed. He told me though about a girl he liked, who sounded like a real fitness freak, she was a cosmetician and he also stressed the fact how immaculate her apartment was. He also told me I was not in his leage. I had no idea what he meant at first and then didn’t understand why he would say that, as he had absolutely nothing to offer me, nor did I find him particularly attractive. But well, I don’t do my hair or nails every day for hours, nor do I work out every day, and my apartment is chaos.
        The girl he kind of dated then (or tried to) was as educated as he was, and kind of cheap looking. … but she was very susceptible.

        The last somatic narc I had closer contact with asked me several times, if I had cleaned my apartment yet that very day … I found that very strange and thought at first it was part of a role play or a joke or whatever. But I then asked him – why? And he said that I as a woman he uhm dated had of course to live in a well-kept, neat environment. He also completely blanked out the other 95 % of me, just like the first guy!

        I also thought about a guy I was friends with for a long time, he was my lover a long time ago, then he had other girlfriends, but we always stayed friends. He is a kind of elite mid range narc I think. But we both never wanted a relationship. I wondered why … He always kept his girlfriends separate from me, so I don’t know much about them, but I do know that they always were less intelligent than me, not better looking or fitter, but much more mothering, pro-active, doing lots of stuff for him, were very compliant in every regard judging from what he told me, … one woman actually furnished his apartment, from choosing the furniture up to putting it together!

        Why my first love had never been my boyfriend is easier to explain … He was more cerebral than somatic, though surely vain (his hair was permed and dyed when I met him, he had a hand crafted charm/necklace he had designed – and he was only 17 then!!), and talking(!) A LOT about sex … etc. His girlfriend wasn’t just really beautiful (though bigger than me), but also mothering, able to cook, helping everyone around her, dependent (not even daring to drive in the city), not very smart nor accomplished but a real worker bee, but she had to offer special residual benefits in form of her family (well-off, political influence, her father was in a very high position and could do a lot for his prospected career), he lived in their house when at university, etc.

      2. Hi Ava and Bibi!

        Wondering if this helps. I know just 4 narc woman who liked to clean their house a lot. Their could be even more i could remember.

  4. This happened but since he’s been with her, he’s been diagnosed with cancer and has a limited time to live. She has met all of his family and socializes with them. Will he stay with her because he is too sick to move on?

  5. Umm…he is still with her 3 1/2 years and many triangulating hoovers my way (possibly serving duel purpose) later. Explain that please? I have figured out that she is codependent. …and what I have found, through extensive research, a “reverse narcissist”. She fits all the criteria. Horrible manipulative thing and he said he was with her “to get over me”. Lol! Now I know better but… a little puzzled at why the longevity of the relationship. Unfortunately, we are all working at the same company and I have to see or hear about them quite often. Everyone was puzzled as to “why” he downgraded. Some still are perplexed. I received a promotion 3 years ago and not a day later after finding out that I was to be in management, I was brutally discarded. Albeit, it was after the grand hoover that this happened. The first nail in our coffin occurred after I told him we needed to cool it for a bit the year prior. Not to completely break up but stand back and regroup. I was receiving red flags at the time and needed to reassess the relationship. BAM… he was with her, it seemed, instantly. She was someone I/we didn’t care for. Everything is quite clear now after therapy and research. It absolutely gutted me when it happened and still have healing to do. I have read most of your work however, I haven’t seen anything on a narcissist ~vs~ manipulative codependent narcissistic individual. Your book on codependents describes her only partly. I know she needs to be controlled and has not a thought of her own, hence being wonderful fuel for him. Just surprised that they are still together after all this time. Any thoughts? He is, what I suspect from your writings, a mid ranger. I have him figured out. He has become very predictable.

    1. Hi Anonymus!

      I have a hypothesis but i can of course not prove it. I think narcs like to triangulate empaths with other narcs (who they think are inferior narcs or made to be inferior to them, thus controllable and can be ‘covenanted’) or married/dirthy empaths. They can include other empaths in the matrix but the core triangle is composed of 2 narcs (in one body kind of, as they melt too) against an empath. They so much like to bully someone together… like to narc parents torment their kids.

      This is what i have seen many times but i can be biased of course. What do you think?

      HG, if you ever happen to have time to comment on this, it is highly appriciated.

      1. We will triangulate our victims with anybody and anything and this can include other narcissists, although most narcissists will not realise the other part of the triangle is a narcissist (unless a Greater).

  6. Interesting timing. So…the other night I did a somewhat peek at the somatic lesser. (This is NOT the narc about whom I wrote the letter and caused me all that pain.) This is just a dope I blocked online but I thought this was too funny to not share.

    This guy’s entire existence is about looking good and sexual prowess. He is 40 and has a Hot or Not acct with photos that are at least 8-10 yrs old.

    He is with a girl who has multiple kids out of wedlock, one which is with him. She is uneducated, looks trashy, can’t spell, etc.

    In the years since, he has more grey, a beard, looks like a flaccid lumberjack (where did those hot biceps go?) and works as a lawn guy after being a truck driver didn’t work out, I guess.

    When I encountered him he told me he made 100K per year (job title was evasive but I assumed it was a geologist or chemist.) Later I learned he never went to university and barely finished high school. But I accepted what he said at face value. When he told me how much he made, I had a Sophie moment, ‘He is just proud about his new job,’ I thought.

    His goal was just to get me and other women to idealize him sexually.

    How easily I surrendered that idealization. No, I never met him in person, but I was overwhelming him with fuel for the area he craved. He even told me that I did ‘wonders for his ego,’ on my mere compliments alone.

    After the fact, I learned of his criminal past and freaked out. His wife divorced him 10 yrs ago for what appears to have been due to his infidelity.

    He was NEVER my type of guy, mind you, but I do find it telling that he does not look as good anymore, is with this trashy girl who has over processed hair, and he lacks the means to make good money and nor does he have any talent/creativity to make up for it.

    I’m sure it’s an ego stroke to be 40 and and with a 24-25 year old who just had his kid. She is not cultured enough to know what a loser he is. He could never land a woman his own age because he has nothing going for him, no career, no culture, and even his looks are fading.

    HG, I have to say your schools and cadres of narcissists have really helped me to understand why some narcs are like this guy and hold shit jobs or none at all, while others become the CEO of Apple, like Steve Jobs.

    I’d hear how narcissists are supposedly so smart but then I’ve encountered too many dumbasses…like this lesser idiot…to believe that.

    And my remembering this made me take note that perhaps there is a bit of Sophie in some of us, however we might not wish to admit.

  7. Here’s the deal. When I’m done with your kind and I discard you (the narc). I never look back. I have zero desire or care to look at any pictures and I will never ask anyone one single question about my past narc.

    1. Chingona,

      Ewwww! I know it’s true! I tricked my Narc into showing me pics of his past girlfriends and again, ewwww!😬🤢 However, we were all deceived and abused by the same Narcissist!

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