So Wrong

SO

My ex? Where do I begin? You know, I must admit, I have a propensity to always being right. I cannot help me. It is just the way I am. I work hard to get things right, in my job, who my friends are, making the right decisions in my life and most of all in respect who I choose to spend my intimate days with, but I will hold my hands up on this one. I got it wrong. Spectacularly wrong. I am normally an excellent judge of character. It is an uncanny knack I have, call it a sixth sense if you will. I can usually tell when I meet somebody for the first time whether I will get along with them. I can gauge whether we will become firm friends and enjoy one another’s company. It happens with everyone including you. What did my sixth sense tell me about you? Oh that we have so much in common and we are destined to be together. Don’t ask me why but I just knew it from the moment we met. There is just something about you. This sixth sense has never let me down before but it did with her, I got that all wrong. She was just the wrong person for me but I must have let her charm me or something because I just did not see her for what she really was. She appeared so right yet she was wrong on so many levels. Don’t worry, I know I have not made the same mistake with you, you are different, there is nothing wrong about you. Everything was good at first, I think she managed to pull the wool over my eyes and hide from me whatever it is that is wrong with her. I am still not sure but it was not long before it all went wrong. We had a good time at first, no I will be honest, we had a great time. I put a lot of effort into my relationships. I firmly believe that there should be no half measures. If you want to be with someone then you must give your all to them. There should be complete trust and your heart should only ever be theirs. I did this but it soon appeared that it was not enough. I don’t know what I did wrong, other than actually get into a relationship with her, but it all turned sour. I still don’t know what I did wrong. Whereas she was once attentive and kind, I think it was all a ruse now when I look back, she then showed little interest in me and doing things together. She focussed on her job, her home and her hobbies, almost as if I became an afterthought. When I tried to point this out to her she would just go crazy, I mean full on looney tunes. It was scary the way she would just turn on me and point out all the things that I had done wrong. It made no sense. I gave her everything and yet no matter what I did it was always wrong. I just could not please her. There is something very wrong with her. I could go into detail but you don’t need to hear all about that. I think it is sufficient to say I made a huge mistake entering a relationship with her, I got it entirely wrong, but I have learnt from that error and it will not happen again. I know I have got it right this time.

I was right about you. You are wrong, everything about you is wrong. I knew from the start but I thought I would give you a chance to prove me wrong. I wanted to help you. I saw something in you and thought that things would be all right despite the wrongness that surrounded you. Yet everything I did to makes thing right you just threw back in my face didn’t you? You just had to make everything go wrong didn’t you? You would say the wrong thing, at the wrong time in the wrong situation. You would make wrong decisions, based on the wrong facts and choose the wrong option. You got with the wrong friends and did the wrong things with them for our relationship. You showed the wrong tendencies and you committed so many wrongs I must have forgotten as many as I have remembered them. You are inherently wrong; it runs right through you. You taint everything about you with your wrongness and most of all you made our relationship go wrong. I did nothing wrong. I tried to make things right between us. I persevered and held on as best I could as the wrongs rained down on me. I wanted us to work together but not only were you on the wrong page compared to me, you were reading from the wrong book. You gave me the wrong things, made the wrong comments and did the wrong acts. You infected our relationship with your wrong views and attitude. Everything went wrong and it was all down to you, yet you cannot even accept you are wrong can you? You just kept asking me the wrong questions and giving me the wrong answers. I knew you had something wrong about you as soon as we met but something inside persuaded me to give you a chance to make things right, that you just needed that opportunity and you would grasp it and be thankful that somehow you could crawl from that wrong place you inhabited and that for the first time, suitably encouraged and supported, that you would start to do the right thing. I was so right about how very wrong you are. You wronged me but you will see now that I am going to put things right and I will do so in a way that ensures you will do no wrong ever again. Right?

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31 thoughts on “So Wrong”

  1. Yes and always doing so well and accomplishing so much, when I meet him I always wondered at his age why didn’t he have anything, he always blamed it on the ex who took everything and of course I believed everything, and wanted to build a future wanted to build him well that did not happen over the five years we always fought about money because he would spend compulsively. I’m attaching a screenshot of a email and wow it sounds just so typical of a narc well I guess not it did not let me maybe I could copy and paste. Smart financial person aka girlfriend before me and who he is now living with. Just this morning

    Yup and then I will get it. I can’t go to 7/11 today. I will be with the realtor after work looking at houses. I need to finance it before the repo hits our credit according to her it will be easier for me. Because I have fixed enough of my credit and have a good enough job. Thank god for a smart financial person. Anyhow thanks for getting that to me. I look forward to going over it. Have a great day!!!

    Sent from my iPhone

    On Dec 29, 2017, at 9:41 AM,

  2. Ugotit

    Yes its projection-you know this from reading here. Stop paying attention to what he says, as you also know from reading here that they lie and blame shift, and start paying attention to what he does, which is make you feel like youre crazy. Stop the cycle. Beggars will only ever get scraps, crumbs, and someone elses leftovers. Settling for that is what is considered crazy.

  3. I assume from the incessant use of projecting the word ‘wrong’ that this is a word the narc never wants to be accused of.
    Which of the 2 points below would cause the greatest wounding to a narc if delivered without emotion?
    1) being told they are wrong
    2) being told they have mental health problems

  4. Either I’m crazy or he’s projecting instead of being stoic like I usually am I have spent the past week pouring my heart out to him begging for love and attention and he actually said to me when he came to me looking for real support I slammed the door in his face that I always left him instead of working on this things like a real couple would that’s its like my heart is black inside and that I don’t see him what the fuck this is exactly what he did to me not what I did to him either Im. Crazy or he is

    1. Ugotit,

      If he’s a Narc, then he’s disordered and his disorder will make you crazy! Trust me, I know!

      Sorry you’re having a difficult time with him! Is he coloring you black (“heart is black”) and devaluing you?

    2. You are not crazy. Begging for love from a narc just appears crazy. Its like begging an Apple to love you its not going to happen.

      Love yourself and real love will appear. Never beg or expect someone to give what they can’t.

      Peace and wellness

    3. My guy does the same thing ! I left him on numerous occasions because of him putting his hands on me, An putting me in the hospital.. But he thinks he did nothing wrong at all An it’s always my fault ! I left him for no reason, An he says that I’m cheating on him when I didn’t ! Why is that ?

      1. Projection, provocation, deflection, blame-shifting – all part of exerting control over you, avoiding accountability and drawing fuel from you.

    4. Thank u too everyone who replied I’m only seeing now didn’t get notifications I’m planning my permanent and total escape from him while he’s planning his future sponging off me I’ve been carefully watching and observing and I finally know what he wants which is a better life financed by me not happening

  5. Reading this post ( where the words wrong and right are written numerous times) makes me wonder:

    Is this how the narcissist sees the world? Always under diametrically opposed ends?:

    Wrong-right
    Black-white
    Win-loose
    Allied-treacherous
    Infatuation-devaluation
    Pedestal-dirt
    Stale-fresh
    Upper hand-subservience
    Admiration-critisism
    Validation-disapproval/rejection
    Enemy-friend
    Compliance-defiance

    The list could be longer…

    Is there ever a ” grey” zone? A middle zone for the narcissist?

    1. Happy New Year SuperXena!
      Nope! Grey = Vanilla and vanilla is a no go to a Narc.
      Remember HG’s article on going to extremes? It’s always all or nothing.

      1. Happy New Year to you too Clarece!
        Yes, I have read the article Extremes… but somewhere there I believe they go to “grey zones “when it is needed according to their aims.
        Remember? The aim justifies the means?

        Good to see that you are back on board!

      2. In the case where the Narc goes to a “grey” area to secure an outcome, it’s disingenuous though. Whereas a normal person looks to grey areas as a form of compromise or a viable option and be satisfied, with the Narc it creates their ability to immediately seem contradictory when they make an absolutely different choice at another time in the “grey” area or otherwise. It won’t ever be consistent.

      3. Clarece,

        That is exactly what I mean.
        Independently of why they do it ( in comparison to a non-narcissist by instance) this inconsistency is a grey/ middle zone.
        It is never permanently white or black.
        So ,this inconsistency brings is in fact a middle /grey zone.

      4. Ahhhh, I see the point. Hmmm….but while engaging in the “grey” zone, they are being uncompromising if you are painted “black” with them and agreeable if you are “painted” white with them so therein lies the extremes of one or the other and no inbetween.

      1. Yes, I understand…but then narcissists shift between the extremes: sometimes white, sometimes black…back and forth. That shift is like a middle/grey zone (to me of course) … the compartmentalisation is like a middle zone…

    2. This is a conversation my N and I have had several times. He insists that things are thus way. Black and white, no gray area aft all. At the time I thought he was just being contrary

  6. What happen with your ex ? I ask
    He said ” I told her she change with me..and she answer…Of course i change!…very bad woman”
    OMG…. but i sttay with him…
    Like this..much more strange things..how silly i was ..OMG

  7. There is so much projection here, it’s beyond ridiculous… not to mention, circular arguments, devaluations, future-faking… what a farce!

    It’s a wonderful relief to recognise what’s really going on and to use logic and cool observation rather than to react emotionally. Such a huge relief!

    There are some things I’ve noticed about narcissists since becoming more detached from their game-playing, such as:

    – like everyone, they can be very good at something or have a talent (such as HG and his talent for writing), however, they need to “appear” perfect at everything, so they inevitably undermine themselves with their lies, arrogance and inconsiderate behaviour. They have an irrational fear of failure.

    – it seems they don’t really have any innate life plan or inspired long-range goals (apart from duping others constantly) that enable them to focus on their own achievements. They seem to go through life dependent on who they can manipulate and compete with. When they’re alone, they seem directionless.

    – there appears to be no sense of a unique and real self about them. They are like chameleons, scoping the environment in order to adapt their manipulations to it. Maybe the terrifying black void that HG mentions in his posts is their own sense of lacking a real self?

    Just a few observations since becoming more aware. Thank you HG, for creating more awareness.

      1. Yes, their need to appear superior and in control is pathetic. It overrides everything else. Nothing else seems as important to them.

        I think I’m getting past the point of being angry and frustrated with them now, and I’m trying to get a sense of why they need to be that way. I get the need for fuel, but what is it that drives the need for fuel? Something else in them is lacking obviously.

    1. I agree, it is such a relief to be able to use cool hard logic, and finally break the circle of cognitive dissonanse and emotional thinking. I think what you are describing is their constant need for fuel? It goes beyond everything else, it seems. They have no inner «life» or sense of real self, and it is really all about preserving their fuel supply to «avoid the void» at all times. So I guess they are just exhibiting talents to get the Fuel.

      1. That fuel is what drives everything, and it seems that everything else in their lives, like having a family, seeing the wonders of the world, milestones in life, etc, are insignificant and it’s the fuel that’s the main thing. It must be exhausting, and also depriving. The need for fuel deprives them of many other great things in life. But I guess they don’t care about those things. They only really care about fuel.

  8. Wow, just wow.
    When a highly intuitive friend of began putting the pieces together of my relationship, she said that things will only get worse and asked me if I’m ready to live the rest of my life ‘always being wrong.’

    I had no idea what she meant…until now.
    Thanks HG.

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