Envy and jealousy form two of the limited range of emotions that we are permitted. Of course, our reduced range of emotional responses is entirely by design so that we are furnished only with those emotions which drive us forward in our pursuit of fuel and thus we are freed from the hindering effects of many emotions which you experience such as compassion, sadness and joy. Envy and jealousy certainly provide us with the impetus and motivation to gather our precious fuel but they are emotions that you exhibit as well. Admittedly, there are those amongst your number that are so selfless and giving that an envious thought or look of jealousy never clouds your saintly features, but for many of your kind there is a bitterness that arises from this jealousy although we know you would never admit it and would prefer to blame it on us. Take for example the following exchange I had with one of my ex-girlfriends. I have not named the individual,not because I have some semblance of decency by granting her anonymity. Not at all. No, this is borne out of highlighting that this conversation could have taken place with any number of my ex-girlfriends. It is a conversation that could have taken place with many of you. She was in a period of devaluation and was providing me with plenty of negative fuel so as I worked behind the scenes to line-up my new prospect there was no urgency to bring about a discard. We had arranged to meet at a wine bar. I was fifteen minutes late.

“Oh here at last,” she remarked as I walked in to the wine bar. I pretended not to notice her at first,my eye caught by a tall and attractive lady who was stood near to me at the bar. I smiled at the tall lady and she returned it.

“I said,” declared the ex in a louder voice, “you are here at last.”

I turned to where she was sat as if noticing her for the first time.

“Ah hello, yes what a day, major deal going on and I had to take a conference call with New York,Pretoria and Frankfurt. It’s all happening I can tell you.”

“You could have rung to say you were running late, I have been sat here wondering where you were.”

“Am I late? We said 7-15.”

“No, seven o’clock.”

“I think you will find it was 7-15. I remember distinctly because I told my secretary to schedule the conference call for 4pm to last for no longer than 3 hours to give me sufficient time to get here. Big deal you see, so it needed that time allocated to it.”

“Well, I was busy too you know,” she remarked.

“Not on the scale I have been my dear,” I replied with a smile as I continued to scan the wine bar to see if there was anybody I knew and any further opportunities to gather fuel.

“Oh of course, your work is always more important than mine isn’t it?”

“No need to be like that, I am just stating a fact.”

She began to say something but I cut her off by pointing at her wine glass which was nearly empty and asking,

“Which wine is that?”

“Er, the chardonnay,” she replied.

“The Chablis here is far better, I will get that,” I remark and smile as I see her twist her face at my comment. I indicated to a waitress to come over to the table and I ordered two glasses of the Chablis.

“A far better choice,” I declare pleasantly,

“Oh it would be wouldn’t it since you chose it?” she added sourly.

I pretend I didn’t hear and thrust my hand out and revealed a watch from underneath the double cuff of my shirt.

“What do you think of this then? Impressive no?”

“Why have you bought that? I got you a watch only last month,” she announced in irritation.

“I know but, well, this is of a superior quality and the strap on the one you got me did not fit my wrist properly, not like this one,” I explained and I then continued to espouse the virtues of the chronological item as her face darkened. I of course revelled in this but I maintained the pretence that I did not notice.

“Anyway, enough of that,” she snapped.

“Something the matter? Not jealous are you? Jealous? Of a watch?”

“No I’m not jealous,” she answered far too quickly.

“Yes you are.”

“No I am not, anyway, where are we going this weekend? I thought we might go to Rockcliffe for a couple of nights, the restaurant in the orangerie is apparently really good,” she continued.

“I am not going there.”

“Why not?”

“Because I have been invited to Guisborough instead.”

“Who by?”

“What’s it got to do with you?”

“Er just a bit, I am your girlfriend or had you forgotten about that?”

“I would rather not say, you will only get jealous,” I grinned.

She looked indignant.

“Let’s just say Guisborough is better than Rockcliffe so that is where I will be going,” I added.

“Oh I see, you always have to go one better than what I suggest,” she snarled.

“Hey,I cannot help it if people who have excellent choice invite me to such a place can I?”

“You do it all the time. I get a new car, so you do the same only yours is more expensive. I gained a promotion and rather than congratulate me you tell me all about the targets you apparently smashed. I cook you a fantastic dinner but you tell me it is not as good as the one you did the previous week. I show you a picture and you tell me you have one that is similar only yours is better. Good God, I even told you about a moisturiser I was using, just chit chat and you have to explain how the one you use is superior to it. What is wrong with you? You always have to bring it back to you and go one better?”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s wrong with you?” I replied feigning a look of displeasure despite the fact I was revelling in all this fuel that was being provided.

“You are consumed by your petty jealousy. I share what I achieve, I tell you first, I let you into everything I do so you can feel reassured that you are with someone who is successful and all you can ever do is be jealous and envious. How about being pleased for me for once rather than thinking about yourself?”

“I cannot believe what I am hearing. You boast all the time, you do it with everything. You tell me repeatedly about how you are ‘kicking ass and taking names’ at work, how the higher-ups adore you, how you are looking at buying an even larger house and how you have always been the highest achiever in your family. I told you about my degree result, yours had to be a class higher, if that is even true of course as sometimes I wonder. Your university was better than mine, your post code is a more desirable area,you have more friends than me, you have visited more countries than me. Every time I try and tell you something you have to trump it and go one better,” she continued as the anger tainted her words.

I slowly stand and her eyes widen as she seems surprised by my movement.

“I’m not sitting here listening to your jealousy, I am parked on a double yellow line and I am not getting a ticket just because you are envious of me,” I hiss. I turn as I hear her shout after me.

“There you go again, it couldn’t be a single yellow line could it? Oh no.”

I smiled and walked away content in the knowledge that these continued bouts of envy provided me with such delicious fuel. So predictable. Single yellow? I liked that.

13 thoughts on “Bitter

  1. Jo says:

    Guisborough, Rockliffe….. do we know each other HG?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      We do not Jo.

  2. Findinglife11 says:

    True. I’ve experienced that crazy frustrating twisted conversation as an empath. Its a brilliantly evil instinct you have about you. Sometimes i wonder if i could ever be like that… bc we all have traits and potential… you either stifle it or go with it… at what turn in my life did i go empath instead of narcicisst?
    i am better than that unsatisfying unquenchable life a narcicisst leads. I made the superior choice i think.

  3. narc affair says:

    Major projection going on here. Narcs have a talent for flipping things around and projecting their feelings onto someone else.
    This story reminds me more of my mother in law. She is exactly like this! It doesnt matter what is mentioned she will turn it back to her and one up it.
    Last thanksgiving i made a yummy dessert and she knew id be making it so she shows up with 3 desserts so no one will try what i made. She wanted to diminish the fact id made a dessert for the meal bc it didnt focus on her.
    Gifts are the same way she has to have her gifts thought of as the besf and if anyone outdoes her she will try her best to diminish it or draw attention away from it.
    When ive hosted the holiday meal she cant stand to see me self sufficient in the kitchen and pushes her way in to control what im doing bc it takes power away from her the fact i can do it alone.
    The list goes on and on but whats infuriating is when you reach the point of being fed up its flipped around to be projected badly on you when it really stemmed from the narcissist. They are the ones who feel this way and project it on others. They drive people crazy then say were crazy. Crazy from dealing with someone whose crazy!

  4. angela says:

    Ha…when N compare himself with his victim it makes he feel devalued ..then it makes up for it systematic devaluation to alleriate and protect himself of his thinking continuous inferiority.
    My brain make “clic” i understand clear the N..
    And i make a big HA HA….

  5. Freddy says:

    So negative fuel lifts you more than insults wound you? I just don’t get this. Is that true for all 3 types? I’m convinced the mid-ranger is scared of me because he does not know what I will say (usually the truth). Surely he’s not putting that on? He really isn’t that good an actor.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      See ‘Fuel, Fight or Flight’ and read the book ‘Fuel’.

  6. Blank says:

    Right. These kind of conversations. I can see it all so clearly now.
    ALWAYS (now I sound like a narc ;)) the denying, the knowing better, the showing off (his knowledge that is, he does not care about material stuff), the NEVER getting things straight nor knowing the where, how and with whom. Anything always needed and still needs to be discussed like this. If I say A, narc says B (or Z rather). So freaking tiring. That’s why halfway our marriage I just stopped asking or discussing anything and we lived completely seperate lives. The irresponsible behaviour also. Everything was my responsibility. He’d come home and did whatever he felt like (watching football, listening to very loud music, smoking, drinking and using drugs that is). If there were problems with the children or the house, he just stared or said something that was totally off-topic and did not make any sense at all. Problems were never his problems. He was the extra child in the house, with needs 100 times bigger than my 2 sons together. And then after any ‘conversation’ the smile indeed. The smug face. Urgh!

  7. Lou says:

    A classic technique of my Darth Moeder. She did this often.

  8. Terrie Dimig says:

    You devil you.

  9. Nina says:

    The end is funny. In truth though, he would do this all the time, always trying to one up me. At first I thought I must be imagining it but it kept happening. I never believed an adult could be exhibiting such childish behaviour. It never upset me though, it was so silly and trivial.

  10. Bibi says:

    You narcs are so predictable. There are a number of ways one can combat this, and make it fun.

    1) Yawn while he is bragging and look bored as shit.

    2) Laugh in his face. ‘That’s the best wine! Haha! Says you, who loves to drink the pink piss directly from the box.’

    Say this loudly.

    3) Oh, that lotion? I read online that it actually causes a latent rash. You should really make a doctor appt. very soon. It might reach your genitals and be like last time.

    Say this very loudly. Make sure others hear.

    4) Tell me who the richest man in Vienna was during Mozart’s time. Oh wait, you can’t? Maybe it’s ’cause no one gives a shit? How many compositions have you written? None? Aw, that’s too bad.

    5) Oh, I didn’t realize you placed such value into such ephemera. I guess I should have expected you to have such conventional thinking, given you’re just an off the rack business drone. Congrats! You are mediocre.

    6) That wine would not be good to mix with your antidepressants (steroids if somatic).

    Say loudly so others at the bar can hear.

    7) The last meal YOU cooked gave me diarrhea.

    8) So you have traveled the world and yet what do you have to show for it? A bunch of postcards? Yawn. How many books did you write as result? None. That’s a shame. Pity to be so uncreative.

    9) I have a great watch. (Then show him your cell phone.) See? It tells me the time, and it was free. You suck.

    10) Jealous, are you? (He asks.) I don’t know? Are you? (Respond). Keep answering his questions with questions. Be an unnerving, unapologetic cunt.

    Then when he gets up in a huff, quote that line from the shirtless guy in Ghost World: ‘This is America, dude, learn the rules.’

    Insert country/province of your choosing. Put your sunglasses on and walk out.

  11. 12345 says:

    15 minutes isn’t a big deal. An hour late is worth a fight.

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