Poll : Have You Received a Christmas Hoover?
The Christmas period is a ripe time for hoovers.
First of all, there is a greater chance of you entering a sphere of influence and therefore activating a Hoover Trigger. Secondly, the Hoover Execution Criteria may be easier for the narcissist to achieve at this time of year. We may have returned to where you are as we catch up with friends and family, thus we are reminded of you and know where to find you. We may use the festive period as an excuse to send a gift by way of a hoover, a Christmas card or even dispatch a Lieutenant to wish you the compliments of the season as we provide you with a hoover by proxy.
You may have found yourself attending certain festive events where we would also be – carol concerts, school plays, parties, Christmas fairs and similar and again you enter a sphere of influence by being in our proximity and thus the hoover is highly likely as we see you across the room.
There is also the risk that your no contact regime wavers owing to your emotional thinking surging. It attempts to con you by suggesting that perhaps bygones should be bygones as it is Christmas after all and that it is time to show goodwill to all. Perhaps emotional thinking stirred like the ghost of Christmas Past and reminded you of that wonderful Christmas Past in the golden period and this caused you to waver and contact the narcissist which then prompted a hoover thereafter.
Then again, perhaps there has been no hoover. Yet. The period is not yet over.
So, what has happened and have you had more than one and perhaps from more than one of our kind? Choose all that apply before casting your vote and please do expand on the circumstances in the comments section.
Thank you participating.
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No hoover for me 🙁 I was looking forward to acting with supreme indifference to it. How I can be indifferent when there is nothing to be indifferent about!? Damn your kind are selfish!
You really got the best deal, with no Hoover, Flickatina … and your indifference is out in the atmosphere — he’ll pick up your dismissive vibe. 😉
Oh, and in my defense, in some thread on here…I DID “page” HG for a “911 NC help question”… but he never replied. So I reflected, and I implemented my outstanding/brilliant/resourceful plan.
No, HG, this (which may be very successful!) plan is not your fault. I would NEVER blame a Greater for anything… sir.
Carolime ?
Now Im concerned that youre drinking lol.
I imagine HG did not respond to your 911 because a lot more information would be needed than could or should be discussed here. If you book a consult he can help you formulate a plan that will cover your fears and allow for more success than your current (and very risky) plan.
NA
All e-mails are responded to and as NA points out, book a consultation and you will be given the insight and assistance required.
NA~It’s my stupid device… the “m” is too close to the “n.” lol
I was just teasing HG. This was my decision, obviously. And he can’t respond to every question – totally right. He’s given great info. I’ve thought about a consult a few times, then I think, “Nah, I got this. I can learn what I need to and handle it myself.” (another big weakness of mine — asking for help).
Maybe the Pollyanna thing is also a bigger issue than I previously joked it was… because I’m feeling like this is going to go okay, if I just never allow a boundary to be crossed + grey rock.
I’m absorbing all these comments… thinking, thinking…
Caroline
Im glad you are here and open to discussion from others but there is no one more qualified to help you than HG. He is a subject matter expert in this field and unencumbered by emotion, so can be direct and effective in addressing your concerns and helping you plan, where our judgement can be clouded by it. I think that may be why some people are reluctant-he removes emotion and replaces it with logic, leaving no excuses to be leaving the door ajar for the narc. You think youre stubborn?-try me on for size, and he has assisted me. No, I dont get a commission or discount. I just want people to get the help they need to succeed no matter the source.
Thank you NA.
NA,
Good points…I might break down and do that. Or I might just break down. (sob). Either is possible.
I’m trying to maintain my sense of humor, but I now feel like I made a ridiculously foolish mistake. I’m really not a wishy washy person, and I do have a lot of common sense… so I’m pretty mad at myself.
I was feeling good, but I can now see my big, glaring error, which should have been obvious from the get-go:
I CANNOT CONTROL WHAT A NARCISSIST WILL DO, SO ANY CONTACT IS SETTING MYSELF UP FOR ALL KINDS OF POTENTIAL DANGER, ESPECIALLY WITH AN EX-BF WHO THINKS OF ME AS HIS “DREAM GIRL WHO GOT AWAY.” < yeah, that should have been a clue.
It was a foolish way to try to alleviate my stress/fear…way to ring in the New Year, Caroline.
Flickatina
Hello darling.
Arent they just though? Always hogging the spotlight. How is your……back was it? And what video game are you excelling at now that youre Narc free?
Hello NA! How are you?
Back is still bad – it’s a lifelong condition so it’s just degrees of bad 🙂
I haven’t really played much of anything for a while – I do tend to play things to death for ages then not touch them again for months!
I have been binge watching Criminal Minds recently – got to get my Hotch fix 😉
I did get a new kitten just before Christmas though! Yay!!
Flickatina
Playing things to death and then not touching them again for months sounds familiar.…just cant place it……
Congrats on the new kitten (wink wink). I’ve heard vaginal rejuvenation will have you laid up a bit, so binge away, but the remedy for a bad back is really to get off of it once and awhile.
Meow.
Seriously though-glad to see you are well post-narc with your lovely sense of humour intact.
😂😂😂😂. Bad NarcAngel!!
I never thought I’d see the words “vaginal rejuvenation” on here. Guess there is a first for everything 😮😂
The consultation is totes worth it Carolime – as I can attest.
I have paid just to have random questions answered – or perhaps it’s just way of having HG focus on me for a bit 😉
HG,
Thank you for your comment… but I’m not feeling emotional toward him in my thinking. I feel quite logical. So you feel that he will cause me to think emotionally in time — even if I don’t interact much with him — and am just not feeling it? Isn’t it possible that he CAN’T influence me like that, since I see him clearly now?
Hello Caroline, all of our victims have an innate susceptibility to us. Some people can increase their resistance to us (but you never achieve immunity) so that you could interact with a narcissist on numerous occasions (although of course why bother) and not be ensnared because your logic prevails over your emotional thinking. However, the more you interact, the more your emotional thinking increases until it will reach a tipping point, you lose insight, ignore logic and become ensnared again. Everybody has this tipping point and no matter how much you may think at this point in time, there is now way I am going to be caught again, you will because of the way emotional thinking influences you. Some people have a very low threshold and reach this tipping point very quickly, others have more resistance, but ultimately there is no point in ‘testing’ this resistance and instead it pays dividends to maintain no contact.
That makes perfect sense. Thank you for taking the time to give me your insight, HG.
He had no intention of respecting my friendship boundaries. I’m done messing with this.
GOSO 2
(because GOSO 1 was practice?)
You are welcome.
You know you put your life on hold again now, don’t you Caroline? He is going to be on your mind and eventually maybe in your bed again. It’s not a wise move to ‘stay friends’ like this. But I do understand you. It is terribly hard to stay NC. Don’t have him fool you though, you don’t want the hurt all over again. Find yourself a good man Caroline x
I swear to you that my life isn’t on hold, but that is a totally valid concern, Blank! However, I am trying to handle this entire thing by myself, without telling anyone close to me, because I see how he can interject himself where he wants… so the worst part about me in this situation is that I am super independent (read: stubborn) – and that may place me at some risk. So I am now gong to think about that aspect more, and consider a few things. Thank you! I thought I saw a post that you left the site. I’m so glad you didn’t! Kick my butt as you need to! Seriously, I am not defensive about input. I feel like I’m conducting some crazy behavioral science experiment.
One thing is for sure…I have gained lots of knowledge on here. I feel like I am missing NONE of his narcissistic aspects… listening to him talk/respond was so different now — I felt like I knew exactly what to say and not say. I kinda felt like I was floating inside my body, observing the whole thing (no, I wasn’t drunk, lol).
Anyway, if you’re not too busy, keep a eye on me from time to time. I realize what I’ve done sounds weird and misguided. I get that, I really do. It may be… or it just may be wacky enough to work!
Spellcheck is like a narcissist — it thinks it knows best. It does NOT.
Corrections to Spellcheck overriding me, so my post is readable:
gong=going
inside=outside (really, Spellcheck?)
a eye=an eye (because that’s just good grammar)
Dear Caroline, I don’t know if sharing this with you will help, since every experience is different and we all need to go through certain stages before total disengagement : I really tried to keep a sort of friendship with him and it didn’t work out.
He started hoovering me intensly -after a period of NC- some weeks before his wedding (he found his then future wife while begging me for a second chance and trying hysterically to persuade me he adored me). We kept this new type of contact (initiated mainly by him) for about a year, and he was not for one moment satisfied with what I was offering. I did this (the effort with friendship) because I wanted to soften the horrible experience inside me. He did it because he wanted to re-gain control over me. Knowing that only sex could lead to that, he never stopped trying to take me to bed. Once I felt really scared that he would rape me in the middle of the street (it was a dark, empty street and we had just come out of a bar. It was quite terryfying). Generally, though, he was a “good boy”. He did his best to lure me back, even proposed things he would never propose before, but in vain. Finally, we both went no contact-it has been a while now.
The narcissist before him tried the friendship senario as well, many times. He is even trying it now. I don’t mind, since my feelings have completely vanished (he was replaced by the next narc), but he cannot stand it. He was used to being the center of my world and cannot stand being treated like a casual social media friend.
Anyway, what I am trying to tell you is that , from my experience, they want it all. They want to own you completely. Friendship will not be enough for him, I m afraid. And it will keep him in your life, which is quite unneccessary for you, even if you can’t realise it at the moment.
I wish you the best.
Caroline, reading my comment again, I sound like I’m telling you off. That was not my intention, you need to do what you feel is necessary to do. My way is not your way. I hope this works for you. You know everything there is to know now and I just hope you don’t fall in the trap.
For me it is hard to keep seeing the evil side the narcs have. I tend to forget that and then my emotional thinking goes ‘the sweet way’ again. We are just not wired to understand them. I am glad your life is not on hold Caroline. We will all keep an eye on you here 🙂 Take care! xx
Blank,
I really did NOT take your comment as telling me off! You have a very direct tone/approach, but you also show much care. You get straight to it, and that is often needed. It didn’t hurt my feelings a bit, and I’m glad you said what you did. Everything you guys say causes me to reflect, and that’s a good thing! You’ve all been there/are there, and I value the experience and insight.
Another valid point you just made, about my possibly not seeing the evil side. Could this happen to me? I *think* it can’t, because I’ve learned so much and am not feeling sucked in by his words (when he talked to me, I continually was thinking, “You are a narcissist.”) I *think* it can’t, because I’m going to be grey rocking. I *think* it can’t, because I’m aware and using logic — and I feel logical-minded. But I never say never, so these are real things for me to consider.
He’s respectfully keeping his distance + I don’t feel scared. That feels good. But will this change? If it does, I’m in for a much bumpier NC, and I should be the lesson to all. (“Do not try this at home–at least, not without HG”…lol).
This is for “M” (I replied to you too, Blank, but there’s no reply button on M’s post–so I’m borrowing yours);)
M,
That’s very sobering… thank you. I needed to read that. Yes, that is concerning. My Pollyanna thinking has dropped some now. I can’t keep believing I will be the exception — I need to assume I won’t be. I appreciate you giving me your experience. Several things you said were needed.
SuperXena,
I can’t disagree with anything you said. I felt (notice how this is now becoming past tense?) like a very loose friendship with him would suffice until he is with another woman (with him, there are likely several floating around now, just waiting for him), but I can’t know what he’s thinking or planning. All your points are solid.
Ugh…I might have actually given him false hope that he can wrangle something else out of “friendship.” If so, I’m in for a very rough time…
KW,
Thank you. It is a good advancement that you are starting to talk on past tense…good sign!
Do not bother about how he thinks or plans..you already know it with the information given here and the feedback of the bloggers. That is why this site is for. You do not need to know more from him or get any more answers from him.
He will never give you answers.
They are all cut with the same frame…
No….do not give him any more information about YOUR plans, if you have already told him accepting being friends well, that is done but do not mention any more..Cut him off!! Remember: no smoothing things, do not leave doors open…close them alll.
Blank, where are you? I snapped out of it. Please tell me you are around to see how I came to my senses! 🙂
Although my life was not on hold… you were still “point on” because the life I have WAS being held by the narcissist. So NOW I get to be fearful of all the chaos he *may* create in my very full life… do I know how to have a good time – or what?! 😉
Watch out, Caroline. He is trying to hoover you back in with his charm and salami slicing techniques. Good luck with your plan and let me know how it works out.
I really appreciate this comment, K. I want you guys to keep me on point! I feel relieved right now, like I have calmed things down… but if I start seeming different in any way (like a crumbling cookie), I hope you guys confront me. I feel like I can totally handle this boundary I set with him. I do not feel tempted by him. I do not want to see him. But I can’t control him, so that element (that he’ll try to break my boundary) is always there. My goal is to slowly fade away from his grasp. (I hope HG is not reading this and thinking I’m being horribly short-sighted + naïve… but he probably is, and understandably).
I think I can smooth this over and come out better off this way — less problems — but I really can’t be sure yet.
You are correct to recognise you cannot control him. Your significant risk is the impact of your emotional thinking caused by it repeatedly surging through interaction.
Hello Caroline(Carolime?),
I have read all the encouraging and supportive comments you have received from other bloggers. I just wanted to share with you my own experience:
1. There is no “smoothing things up” with a Narcissist. Either you cut the cord once and for all or you will be stuck for as long as you allow him to .
I tried for 6 years( as an IPPS) to smooth things up. I knew after the first year of the “marvellous” golden period that I had to leave him and did not know how.
This “smoothing things up ” costed me 5 more years of my life with repeated golden periods but the outcome was EXACTLY the same after each one: the fall after a golden period. This fall was even harder for each time.
If I had had the feedback and knowledge you are getting here, I could have saved 5 (6) years of my life of wasted time and energy for what: NOTHING!!
2. They always follow the same pattern so:
a) after the golden period(s) when he is infatuated with you, it always comes the fall that for each time is harder.
b) you will never get a closure from him
c) as long as you have him on your radar ( even in the friend zone, that is where he wants you to be) he will always have a hold on you with strings attached that will prevent you from leaving him.
d) they never change because either they do not know what they are or because they do not want to change.
There is no such thing as a smooth process in leaving the narcissist…there is just one way: CUT THE CHORDS.
…..no contact, canalise your time and energy in building up your mind set, look for mantras that can help you in doing this, meet friends, find someone close to you you can talk to, book a consultation, distract your mind whenever you feel emotional, do whatever is necessary to cut him completely off.
If you do not do it there is a high risk you will be hanging on for a long time…you do not want to waste more time in him…do you? Invest it on yourself instead!!!
I hope that sharing with you my own experiences helps you ….
I know it is not easy but now that you know what will happen (because it always does) if you do not cut him off..isn’t it easier? You have the key now!! You have the resources here to do it..so make use of them!
Best wishes
K,
What’s the salami-slicing technique?
Too funny, in now re-reading your “Good luck with your plan” comment, I’m reinterpreting it as: “Good luck with your harebrained scheme, you foolish, foolish Empath.” LOL.
Salami slicing is a technique we regularly use to chip away at you. It means slight and repeated transgressions which are not so large as to make you think it merits a response until suddenly you realise that you have conceded, in aggregate, considerable ground. It is explained in greater detail in “Danger : 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist”.
Thank you, HG! I’ll read that.
Hi Caroline! Happy New Year to you!
Another way to think of salami slicing is that when you are reading HG’s material, it is all laid out in a very precise, concise and tidy, fashion explaining the nuts and bolts of their manipulations.
You have to layer in the fact that while you are in this relationship, you are also living your life mixed in with job responsibilities, possibly rearing children (right there, that can be exhausting depending how young), house chores and maintenance, finances, social life, health care, etc. Not every minute of every day is spent analyzing your significant other’s behaviors. Things can progress for months where you think your partner is just having a stressful time at work and gets snappish sometimes or that they just get sulky if they don’t get their way so you try to accommodate.
It isn’t until with time and distance away from the relationship and you pull out all of the other life “fillers” you realize how conditioned you became by certain behaviors and manipulations repeated over time in a pattern. It is gradual with everything leading up until the disruption causing that very traumatic devalue or disengagement.
Hi, Clarece~~Happy New Year back at ya! 🙂 Thank you for your very thoughtful reply… that was so nice of you to take the time. I’m still learning, that’s for sure. I appreciate all you guys so much…I’m *not* glad that everyone on here has had some heartbreaking/grueling narcissistic experience, but it does help to know everyone here really gets it. May we all have a largely peaceful, joyful 2018.:-)
Exactly, MLA. The memories of being salami sliced are exhausting to even think about.
Caroline
I do not think you are foolish at all and I am genuinely interested in your plans, how they play out and if it will be a positive experience for you. One of the best things about this blog is that many people are still in contact with their narcs (family, friends or intimate partners) and I learn from each of these interactions. The information here is invaluable, yours included.
Nice definition regarding salami slicing, HG. Thank you!
Thanks, K…that’s very sweet of you. I’m not a good example on what is best to do… just trying to avoid my life playing out like a bad Lifetime movie, so I’m laying real low to the ground now and will consult with HG if things get out of hand. But for now, all appears calm. 🙂 Believe me, you all will know if anything happens…
Caroline, I have read “Danger : 50 Things You Should Not Do With A Narcissist” HG recommended. It is excellent!
Thanks, IL…I’m going to!:-)
K,
Time for a status report…
So… what was goofy, misguided Caroline attempting to do the last time we saw her? Oh, just to wean a narcissist off her… and/or maintain a firm-boundary friendship with one (AKA the “What Could Possibly Go Wrong?” Plan)…
Well, it’s been interesting. Interesting good? Not exactly. Interesting bad? Not quite. It’s stable so far, but I’m definitely feeling ill at ease. That could be because of all the kind warnings I’ve received on here — or it could be because I’m now so aware of narcissistic qualities/manipulative tactics when interacting — or it could be because my brain is screaming that it’s only a matter of time before this turns unto an unmitigated disaster and I have to reinstate NC (HG is, no doubt, nodding his head to #3).
So, the narcissist currently is:
-increasingly mirroring me… and seems fairly cautious/is acting exceedingly respectful. He’s not pushing my boundaries, and he seems to be taking his cues in conversation off me. He is being quite funny, and I’m finding it hard not to be funny back, so I’m aware I’m not totally grey rocking. That said, the back-and-forth humor is the part I do enjoy and feel comfortable with — it’s friendshippy.
-I’ve seen one sign of jealousy, where there should not have been one, which is always a flag.
-He acts like he will accept friendship… but he’s not yet talked about or seeming like he has a single female floating around him, which makes me suspicious because: 1) I believe he always has female “fans” in the midst and 2) It makes me feel a bit like he may be thinking our friendship could eventually go somewhere — or why else is he acting like a monk? I’ll feel better when I hear something, anything, on this front… because a lot of my plan hinges on him being involved seriously with someone else fairly soon — so he really can’t mess that part up! lol. (I know I’m joking around a lot, but it’s how I cope…I’m in no way mocking the very real harm a narcissist can do.).
That’s about the size of it, thus far. Doing this has calmed things way down, for sure…BUT is it a temporary fix to a looming, permanent problem? We’ll see. I’m prepared to go back to NC. I really don’t advocate doing what I have. I had my reasons, and this will be my one chance to see if it’s a reasonable/doable side route.
Time will tell.
Caroline
Thank you for the update! We both know that HG thinks you should reinstate N/C and, don’t stress, I joke around too, so I understood what you meant when you wrote that you use humor to cope, and I do not think you are mocking the seriousness of NPD.
We all have our reasons for doing things differently and I understand that, as well. Sometimes, we are not ready to let go or we feel compelled to do things that make sense “emotionally” at the time. Use your instincts and what you learn here to help guide you, and please keep me updated. I still wish you luck!
K,
Oh… my…gawd!!! The behavioral science experiment has ended. Yes, already.
I am back to NC. I posted about what happened to Jasmine somewhere on this thread, so no need to belabor what a nightmare last night was.
NC is the only way, at least for my situation. I still am stunned that it turned so aggressive, so quickly. Everything HG writes about is what went down. Holy crap.
Ugh… I’d say this is a lesson that is learned the really hard way. But I learned. I don’t need to be told this one again (I feel like I just did my own episode of “Smart Empath Gone Stupid.”)
I am going back to smart again…NC…and I may need to throw my cellphone in the ocean.
Caroline,
You aren’t stupid. You are a caring, loving, thoughtful Hunan being. There is no shame in that! *HUGS 💞
(Ok.. going to go find your reply.. I haven’t completely sorted this website yet! 🙃
Jasmine,
How did you do that with your smiley – upside down? I’ve been cheated. None of my cute emojis show up! Well, once in a blue moon they do… but I haven’t figured out why that is. I will now post several adorable emojis below, which will likely not show up:
LOL Caroline, I have android. Mine are on my keyboard. 🙃🤣😊😜😘💖
Caroline
Its not so bad. You came, you experimented, (you lost)… just teasing, but now youll conquer because you see the reality. Dont be so hard on yourself-just tighten up your no contact and pledge G.O.S.O.
NA~Yeah, I lost, for sure (I’m back to looking over my shoulder + checking underneath my car)…Geez, why didn’t you people try to warn me??(LOL!!)
Thanks for the wisdom… caring/support…and laughs. Even if I didn’t have a narcissist on my tail, I’d still want to hang with you guys, just for the laughs.:-)
Caroline
That was quick! Don’t beat yourself up too much. Turn it into a learning moment and move forward. Since I have been here, I have allowed my emotional thinking to take over quite often. Give it time, maintain N/C and logic will win out. HG is an excellent teacher and, if we read and learn, we will find freedom from NPD abuse. Thanks for sharing the adventure and don’t throw your phone in the ocean, just block him.
K~Thanks — you’re such a doll. Can you believe it? Just when it was getting interesting… it was over practically before it began. He was so “normal” one day – then totally out of control the next… almost like he’s a (gasp!) narcissist. 😉
Well, gotta go crawl back under my bed for awhile.
Hi Caroline, I don’t know the whole story, but from the little I’ve read.. it sounds like you might be trying to fool yourself. (Because let’s face it.. WE are addicted too) Are you using us as your conscious?
Funny you should say this, Jasmine. It is OVER — my stupid attempt at friendship with a narcissist has failed (born out of fear/trying to placate him)…I am back to NC. He tried to come see me last night, and now he’s ringing me continually. I was shocked… but I shouldn’t have been. Super stupid of me!
I am probably in for a very rough NC time now, as in he is going to be really angry — so who knows what comes next. I may need a bit of moral support, here and there… and I may need to consult with HG, depending.
YOU CANNOT CONTROL A NARCISSIST…EVER.
HG was totally right, in everything. I AM surprised at how quickly this spun out of control, but that’s probably a blessing.
Caroline,
Your attempt arose from emotional thinking governing you. You, however have not only realised the futility of control but the circumstances will cause this logic to be applied in a bolstered manner.
Awww, a warm-and-fuzzy, supportive HG… snap out of it, Caroline! HG is simply protecting his assets (readers he is helping for his legacy) and is encouraging you that you can now stay on the GOSO pathway. He doesn’t actually care, because he’s a narcissist — but he instructs and guides Empaths, which is immeasurably beneficial.
See? I’m better already, HG. 🙂 Thank you.
But seriously…not trying *that* again. Lordy.
LOL. Doncha know Caroline? We are the worker bees. The minions. Bzzzzz bzzzz..
(Found you)
No, not stupid at all. Bravo for being brave! 💞People don’t change. Ever. Take them as they are or move on… and sometimes you need to step up and decide what’s best for you. Be your own superhero💖 We’ll be here when you need a boost xo
Thanks, Jasmine. You’re very sweet… and wise!
Hello Caroline,
What an impressive advancement you have made by going no contact and not having him in the friend zone!
Regarding your comment about not being able to control a narcissist, you are right: you can’t because their minds function completely different than yours.
Perhaps if you think the other way around it would be more effective for you:
Be focused instead on controlling YOUR mind , if you don’t, someone else (narc or non-narc)will do it.
Great of you to go no contact! Keep it like that.
SuperXena,
You know what I love about this site? Well, first, that we have an expert on narcissistic behavior (props to HG) — but that we also have so many amazing Empaths…who are textbook Empaths — but who are also individuals with a unique set of gifts/communication styles. It means that many here can be reached, right where they live… with whatever they face. It’s actually pretty wonderful!
You gave it to me straight, SuperXena — knowing I was embarking on treacherous ground. Thank you. I heard all of your voices – and, most of all, HG’s…because, let’s face it, I sounded like I knew I was in La-La Land. Lol. I am so stubborn, whatever kind of Empath I am! But I DID hear you all, and I absorbed it… and you need to know that it made a difference.
I’m OUT, in terms of coddling this (or any) narcissist. And now (oh joy), the real pain begins… but, ironically, I feel stronger now to face it. It’s my fault, 100%. My narcissistic ex-BF was just being a narcissist. What’s my excuse? I knew better. Now I will do better.
Thank you for your help!!:-)
Caroline,
Your welcome and thank you for your kind words.
I am glad to know that you feel supported here from many different fronts…
After all , many of all the positive collateral effects (for us empaths) of this site are making themselves stronger and stronger.
Funny you should say that Caroline. While reading all these jumbled replies, my neighbor called. (Her son died on thanksgiving) It was her first day alone in the house and she lost it. She needed to come over. As she’s sitting there crying and I’m crying, she keeps telling me thank you and that she thought of me first and I couldn’t help but remember something like that in an empath description of hgt’s.
We *are blessed to have each other. For that I am thankful. Thank you all for welcoming me to your group. I’ll try not to piss anyone off 😉
Oh, that’s so sad, about your neighbor’s son, Jasmine :(… but so glad you were there to comfort/support her. I do feel like many can feel our deep sensitivity and see our gentle hearts, and they feel safe reaching out to us. I think that’s the best part about being an empath – it’s an honor to be there for people in their hard and sad times.
(And you will never piss me off, guaranteed!).;-) So glad you’re here!:-)
Yes, Hoovered by phone and email and almost by a visit… but I talked him out of coming to see me. He is being charming, tender-hearted, sweet, understanding, witty, funny, kind… and seems totally normal. He’s also, clearly, infatuated with me right now. But I have never lost sight of the cold, hears fact that he’s a narcissist who is giving me another golden treatment. I don’t feel swayed by him. I realize I have a small window during this time. I’ve used everything I’ve learned on this site (well, except one big thing) to try to manage down his expectations (yes, ironic) and ease him off me. And yes, I broke NC to do this. Because I was scared at how it was going. I’m not saying what I did was right… I’m just being honest. He says he will accept my offer of “friendship only.” Do I believe this?…I believe he is listening to me right now and will accept friendship IF it’s all he can get. He’s almost through his divorce now, and women have always loved him, so my plan is to wait this out. It is only a matter of time before he’s involved with some woman… because my NISS long-distance fuel will not be enough.
I don’t know if this will work or not, but this is my current plan. I will stick to my stipulated he can “once in awhile call or email” if he doesn’t get crazy on me. If he does, I will enforce NC again, and I will just have to ride out the wave of fear.
I know… this is a gamble.
Caroline
I dont understand you breaking no contact to “ease” him off of you. You say you were scared at how it was going. Do you mean he ramped up his efforts and was stalking in a way that you felt threatened after you employed no contact?
Little Angel~I knew I was gonna get crap for this! Lol. But I do love you guys for it… and I’m open to this being less-than-wise of me (though I truly feel I can handle it because, well, I’m me!)
I felt scared because he went to a mutual friend and showed me he could do that… and I didn’t want him involving other people. And yes, I felt like he was getting intense. So yeah, I felt like this may work.
I know, I know…I could write your response back to me myself!
Caroline
Nice try with this statement: (I hope HG is not reading this and thinking I’m being horribly short-sighted + naïve… but he probably is, and understandably). Ha ha ha, thank you for the laugh. Nothing gets by HG, ever. We are all here for you and I am glad you feel relieved. Be vigilant, those narcs are sneaky devils.
No hoover.
Considering the wide matrix Greater has, there is just no need to touch the old stuff, as I expected it to be. Or. Thinks I’m wrapped by one back tendril. Nice, confortable tendril – but wrapping just air now…Oh, he’s loosing grip and doesn’t know what a knowledge power I have now (here). I’m dangerously equipped indeed. Left him in 2017.
Worried how the season ended for some others, so keep refreshing this poll waiting all answers to appear…
No hoover. Thank you HG.
It’s been nearly two years, no Hoover’s at all. Thank God, you (sorry, you don’t get the first title) and being F.R.E.E.!
I escaped 4 months ago, and I received an official hoover this week! Since the breakup, I’ve only just learned about narcissism, hugely thanks to you H.G.! About a month after the breakup, I texted him that I missed him, that I wanted to meet and talk, and he blew me off; I found out he had a new girlfriend. Of course, I didn’t even know the term “Primary Supply”. I had been replaced, within a matter of days.
So, sitting across from him at lunch this week, when he officially bowed his head and promised to “correct” his wrongs, I was in such a different place it was amazing.
His new Primary had turned out to be “crazy”, so he discarded her. She is likely a narcissist herself, and she didn’t provide him with enough fuel. He’s run through all his other secondaries, securing them back on Facebook within minutes after our breakup. But they, too, aren’t providing him with enough fuel.
So, he asks if his issues are “correctible”, tells me he misses me, asks if I miss him. Thank G-d I have read so much of what you’ve written, H.G., because I flatly said “No”.
What I felt like saying was:
“Thank you for your well-timed hoover. Your primary supply has dried up, and she has not provided you with enough fuel, so you have devalued her, and of course, discarded her. She called just before we sat down for lunch! Which of course, you mentioned to me, but you made sure to tell me that you let it go to Voice Mail. This accomplished 2 things for you: you hoped I’d get jealous, thus providing you with fuel, and you received fuel in itself from the call. You will in fact hoover her, in oh, maybe a couple of weeks. I advised you to block her, as you say she is “crazy” and “won’t leave your house” when she shows up, but you failed to respond. You won’t block her, of course, so you can maintain her as a secondary source of supply so she is readily available when your fuel is really low, and your other supplies have begun to fail.
You devalued me when you told me I looked fat in those pictures from that wedding, which is funny, because at the time, I was so “beautiful” to you. So at lunch, when I asked you about the “fat” comments, you shook your head and said, “Oh no, I never said that”. Of course, I saved it, as it was written in text, but I now know better than to allow you to extract fuel from me if I express anger. Gaslighting much?
Had I not escaped, you’d have discarded me, as you have discarded every single other ex in your life, but not before replacing me with someone, or many someones. You would have lined them up, which is what caused our problems, as I always knew you were lining up women. You had supplies all over the place, but your favorite was Facebook Messenger, wasn’t it.”
Instead of the above, I just said, “No”. And paid my own check.
Dear Mr Tudor,
My husband and I were out filling up our car yesterday and we both saw (at the same time) the narc’s car drive past us to stop off at the shops directly opposite. My narc friend has good peripheral vision. He looked our way as he “strutted” out to get his paper (he’s quite regimented in his habits and behaviour) but we don’t know if he noticed my husband filling the car (he knows our car, as its unique, so is my husband.. haha… meaning they both stand out … haha) He didn’t look our way as he drove past to leave, but I know narcs don’t miss a trick … so now we wait I guess!
Great poll!
I’ve said yes to several but not actually Christmas it was always new year for my narc. He would spend Christmas hating me and being angry and ruining my Christmas. In the new year he became a new man. About five times in all. No more; this is the second year completely away from him after I realised what he is and how his type operate.
No hoover. Changed phone number, gave a fake email address and no attendance at the family reunion.
I am fine,Helen, thank you 🙂
I have been unblocked on Facebook and Messenger, and then reblocked on Messenger, without receiving a message, following the narcissist’s visit to my neighbours last night. I don’t know if this is a hoover or whether it means one is on its way.
Helen, it is a hoover alright. An indirect way to attract your attention. He succeeded in that, but there is no need to let him know it 🙂
Thanks for your reply! I think he was just checking to see if I had blocked him back, if the door is still open in case he wants to contact me at some point in the future. Not heard anything since, not even been reblocked on Facebook. It’s crazy how much anxiety this childish behaviour causes…. And no, he has no way of knowing I even noticed. Hope you’re OK….
Surprising results?!
My ex husband Mid range narcissistic always sends a card and marks and Spencer gift set. I divorced him years ago and the gifts are sent via our adult children when they see him at Christmas. He usually buys the Royal range! The card is binned and the gift donated to charity. No hoover from the following narcissistic I was ensnared by I was Non intimate secondary source and he was a greater narcissistic. The hoover trigger criteria was not met.
He typically doesn’t wish me well on a holiday or a happy birthday. This year he did. He must know I’m done. I’m proud I didn’t respond. It’s taken so long to get here, indifferent.
May HG will be the only narc in our lives, this Christmas and onwards! Merry Christmas and happy New year everybody!
Dec 7th. Had a nice little convo going on about mountain climbing. Telling me how high he’s gonna climb.
So I told him how much energy I have from doing many miles on treadmill.
This was all in text. Next thing I know he’s talking about energy and sexting.
I said no.
He says, ” But you like sexting”.
He’s still married. I guess I put him off cause haven’t heard a peep from him since. Lol.😂
A Christmas message from one of his sisters. I ignored it.
Hahahaha! Of course I received a Hoover!! A text from a different number (old number is blocked) I blocked this number too. It wouldn’t be Christmas without his old tricks:) My new boyfriend is also pretty sure he has been following him around as well, and has seen him drive past my house numerous times
Star, mine did the same thing, no use blocking his number, he just gets a new Trac phone or uses one of his lieutenant phones.
I have not had a Hoover. However I received a Christmas present. It was told to me that it was from his deceased mother. It was something that when she was alive I liked it. Never thought about it again. My son came home with it for me from his deceased grandmother. When I saw it, it brought back a great memory of my mother in law but it was really out of character for that family. He has been telling his family how hard I am on him and what a horrible person I am. I am the person that won’t let him or them see his kids. When infact he makes plans with them but never shows up. So no hoovering but just strangeness.
I wasn’t hoovered; I was the stupid one to break the NC and I’m ashamed of myself. I wrote here less than a week ago that I intend to stay NC now, and then I let the pain of the holidays affect me anyway. I was feeling so vulnerable and hurt spending Christmas with my family and then yesterday I just couldn’t take it anymore. So I unblocked him and texted him that for me it’s painful leaving 2017 without any kind of closure and with an open end to it all. We never even broke up. I told him I don’t want to start the new year with all the pain of the old one. Something like that. He read it, didn’t even answer so I wrote stupidly again and told him that his silent treatments are childish and emotional torture and then finally I got an answer. He just stated very matter-of-factly that he’s abroad working and that it is and it became too much drama. Nothing else.
I don’t know what to make of it; of course he always accused me being responsible for all the drama he provoked; but he certainly didn’t hoover me; instead I got the feeling that he had moved on. And that hurts so much after all we’ve been trough. I’m like dying inside and he’s somewhere else in the world, breathing, moving on. I feel so stupid, weak and such a mess because it took me like two seconds to fall into that emotional thinking again; all the anxiety and all the pain came flooding back and I was instantly a victim in his world again. It feels like starting all over again now. Still I’m feeling better today already, maybe I had to revisit the past to feel how far I’ve come emotionally since then?
I received a text message from a number I didn’t recognize asking if I was someone I was not. Mind you, I recently changed my cell and no one has this number. Hoover? On the plus side, I finally did not get hoovered by my mother! Seven years no contact finally paying off!
I’ve been Hoovered back in. What do I do?
You get out, you impose no contact and you ensure you stay our. Read my work and it will give you the tools you need.
Addition – I just noticed that I got the definition of “no contact” wrong, I hadn’t blocked that person back then because I hadn’t yet learned that it could be very important. But I didn’t react to him and don’t intend to ever do so.
The holiday hoovers have commenced in full fury. Even as I type this. Text messages abound. They started out to find positive fuel, testing the waters. Now becoming more strange, and I believe gearing up for negative fuel from me. His IPPS I heard might have thrown him out. Anyway, after discovering your blog site and videos, I have the knowledge now how to deal with it, and what I am dealing with. Once again, thank you, HG, you are a true gem.
In early 2016 I got acquainted with a man who belongs to the category of “lesser victim narcissist”. But back then I had no practical knowledge about narcissists. I had broken off the contact completely after only two encounters because I came to find him physically repugnant. When I informed him I didn’t intend to meet him again he accused me of being arrogant and haughty.
At the end of 2016 I was surprised to find an apologetic message on my mailbox asking me to meet. Back then I hadn’t heard of “no contact” but as I had been extremely repelled by his conduct, I kept “no contact” without effort.
A year went by, and a few days ago I got an e-mail from him wishing me Merry Christmas. Since everybody can set up e-mail accounts at his / her own discretion I can’t keep him from reaching me. Of course I will not react to his e-mail but I felt wariness inside me. He should have found other sources of supply by now. Why did he turn towards me again? I have never given him a noteworthy amount of “fuel”, and therefore I don’t understand why he takes any effort.
Made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. There was even a part of me slightly perturbed that I wasn’t “worth” a goodwill Christmas time hoover but nonetheless I was feeling good that my ignoring JN at Thanksgiving had him slinked off.
Then Tuesday, the day after Christmas, I have no idea how this happened because he showed blocked on my laptop still, but I got a contact request thru Skype (it came thru on my cell). Again not sure how that happened. My best friend thought he changed his name from full name to what his friends call him. Maybe? That would definitely be a source of contention being that I hated how he would always promise a visit during our Skype calls and then never deliver. It would also mean he wants to tip me off he is active on Skype with someone new. And this would mean malign hoover indeed.
It is such a cowardly measly hoover attempt. He’s like a hyena hiding in the Botswana brush. I actually get insulted if he is going to be bold enough to reach out, then articulate an actual sentence or call.
Since beginning reading these articles i am slightly paranoud of awkward or strange messages coming in via social media.
I believe some of these could be “sock puppet” profiles….fake profiles with someone else behind it.
I have been wary not to attract any of his attention though i cannot control my absence in all his spheres.
Hoping the holidays go off without a hitch. Im truly happy for the first time in a long time. He doesnt get to take this away from me.
There have been times where im angry that he gets to continue going to places i’d like to go to still. Then i ask myself if its worth tempting the spheres to be in the same place. Someday it might be okay….not today though.
Wow! No Hoover has the most votes. Including mine. We’ doing a great job maintaining NC! Given the education, understanding, and proper tools by HG makes a narc free life possible!
Happy New Year’s everyone!
Peaceful
No..he is out of my life…😁😁
Happy New Year to all of you💖💖
Thank you HG
No hoover just triangulation with one of his harem members
He left me Christmas Day 2016. He said he was in love with another woman, who ironically killed her husband on the NX’s birthday, November 3, 2016. I had called relatives to retrieve my belonging from our old house, since he is no longer living there. That is when he called and told me I have to go through him to get my things because he is the only one with a key to the cabin. I divorced him on October 17, 2017.
I was gifted 3 days of a Silent Treatment (he read my texts, but didn’t respond), followed by blocking and disengagement after 3.5 months and a Hoover. Merry Christmas to me!
I found awareness of what he is prevented me from truly connecting although I did feel the pull of addiction to him. I think we both enjoyed the games for awhile… He’s aware that I’m on to him, but as a Midranger he has no idea of what he is, only what he needs.
He’s blocked on all fronts, I’m re-reading Exorcism and am starting to purge all reminders of him. I find my heart’s not broken as it was really never his. I do miss him though.. and I held on to my non-Narc soldier throughout! Narc taught me well!
Hello HG!
I made it through the holidays without a peep from my ex. Several things triggered memories but I didn’t have a breakdown about anything Christmas related. That’s more progress.
Hope you have a fuel filled Christmas.
Another suicide attempt/ threat, posted on social media, was relayed to me by proxy
I responded “no hoover.” Was disengaged from the day before Christmas. Blocked on all but one social media site the day after Christmas. I don’t consider that a hoover but maybe an attempt to yank my chain. What would you say HG?
I voted no because it was not possible. I’m happy there are so many “nos” so far. I hope it’s because you all have robust No Contact in place.
I hope your holidays continue to be narc free.
If you were hoovered, I hope you were able to resist, and you have my sympathy.
Perse
No hoover from my ex MRN he must be well fueled. Thank goodness!!!
Is it a Hoover if I unblocked my social media and he liked my posts on IG each day and even an old Facebook photo? I think he’s trying to get me to write him, but I have not since I know he has a new IPPS and also I hate him.
Nope. Not from most recent narc.
My ex husband narc texted me an inordinate number of times about nothing. I don’t answer his texts any longer, unless child related. Not sure that’s a Hoover or just him being annoying.
My mother stayed at my house two days longer than expected… I felt like the energy had been sucked out of me.
Honestly glad the holidays are over!
Not by my last narcissist (no contact since the beginning of Summer,he is living happily ever after with his wife and who knows how many more),but by the previous one.A friend request, which I accepted, since I feel nothing anymore,so I don’t mind. And some polite messages.He re-appeared after exactly 3 years. He gets sentimental on Christmas days.
H.G. Since you have helped me.. I will play along 🙂
No hoover from the former covert narc.. but a new narc has surfaced and is trying his best to secure supply. I am in the idealization phase with him, but alas.. I am ‘in-the-know”.. onto his game.. for the first time ever I realize the game that is being played while it is being played. Unfortunately.. I am not equipped to play it, well. I know this, but for some reason I am.. And it’s brought me more out of the hole, that the former narc put me in, so for that, I am grateful. Perhaps there’s some hypocrisy to this, as I am getting my ego stroked, as well. It’s been so long, that it’s a welcome feeling. I am ready, however, to get off the ride.. Just not sure how to tackle that, without feeling the wrath of what he is capable of.
Nope. No hoover from my Moron in Munich, but I think I have him blocked pretty well – at least as best as I can. It’s still a little sad that he’s such a loser and incapable of even friendly corespondence, but it is what it is.
No hoover received. None expected now or ever. I think in my case, there is such a thing as a final discard or forever shelving.
Not the case.
I chose by text but it was by email. This hoover was a few years ago when the narc and i broke up briefly. It wasnt on christmas but it was around new years which also happens to be his birthday.
I can see where the christmas season would be a prime time for hoovers. It offers many excuses to get in contact and many reasons. Lonliness, memories, reminiscing, emotions running high, new fresh starts(or cycles to the narc). Suseptibility for breaking no contact would probably be at its highest at this time too.
I have to admit the thought crossed my mind to email my exnarc but not out of any love interest. I was curious how hes been. Ive not bc no good can come from it. Hed look at it as me wanting him back and i dont. We arent what id call friends so why bother. Its better left the way it is which is finished and done. He needs to move on and i already have.
Nope. Not a word. Thankfully.
No xmas hoover and I am reading No Contact so I can only hope to achieve low contact for now because of our 7-year-old. Your kind really are wired to bind us to you for fuel. It is incredible.
ahahahaha HG, I would have bet on the fact that the posts of the last month were headed to strengthen our defenses in reason of the particular period of the year!!! Great!!! No hoover for me and almost leaving for holidays 🙂 that’s good news!!!